Losing FWB Benefits
A former girlfriend and erstwhile lover (booty call partner, friend with benefits) called to say hello. A pleasant surprise, since we hadn’t hooked up in a while. Not to say we hadn’t tried. There’s nothing like trying to coordinate a single parent’s custody schedule with a that of a busy career woman.
We had been playing text message tag for a while, asking if and when the other was free to get together. You’d think if we both had really wanted to, we would have made it happen. But along with my general busyness of working, raising kids, attending youth soccer games, and watching wrestling matches, I had lost my mojo for a spell. Hooking up just didn’t hold the same allure.
In retrospect, it’s sort of a strange concept. You’d think if I wasn’t dating, hooking up with a lover would be just the ticket to put a skip back in my step. (Think Tom Hanks in Big.) But I tend to be a giver, not a taker, and my tank was empty, even for some much needed physical intimacy.
Enter some mojo-restoration in the form of boldly asking women out (in real life, not the fantasy creation/deflation cycle of online dating) – and my confidence was restored. I was more than ready for some FWB action. Emphasis on benefits.
But the phone call with my former girlfriend and erstwhile lover turned awkward. We ended it without planning to meet. Maybe I hadn’t correctly interpreted the meaning in her words, the tone of her voice.
I texted her: did you call to say hi or to meet up?
She texted back: to say hi
How fast can you say it – she has a boyfriend now. (Go on, say it three times fast.)
And thus ends a beneficial relationship of the friendly sort.
- Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
- Sexy Flirty Dirty Text Messages
- You-Know-What-us Interruptus
- Tis the Season to Flirt
- Can Friends With Benefits Still Be Friends?
- When a Lover Wants Friendship and Romance
- Sexy Arrangement
- Dream Woman Nightmare
- Booty Call Calendar – One Year Late
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Comment by Me Thinks
| December 4th, 2008
Boyfriend fo sho! But why wouldn’t she just tell you? You think she’s afraid of hurting your feelings or something? Seems pretty awkward to me.
Comment by Lance
| December 4th, 2008
All good things come to an end. You’ll just have to find another one! The beauty of the FWB is that the ending of them is often as undramatic and traumatic as you described it.
Lance´s last blog post..In Sickness…
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| December 4th, 2008
Bummer! But I guess honesty is a great thing. And the fact that she wanted to call just to say hi may have meant that she liked you for more than your booty.
Nice article – I also liked how you alluded to the fantasy creation/deflation cycle of online dating – I’m trying it right now, and it’s hard on the ego!! :)
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| December 4th, 2008
That bed looks comfy.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..The Land of Oz
Comment by T
| December 4th, 2008
Aw damn. True dat, Lance. No drama.
And yes, Teri, that bed does look comfy. Even more comfy with a lover in it.
I’m sure you’ve got something on the horizon though, don’t you David?
T´s last blog post..Gratitude with a capital G
Comment by The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma
| December 4th, 2008
mmmmmmm. Not sure. Why would she get in touch with you if she didn’t want to see you. Maybe the statement “did you call to hook up or just say hi” put her off a little. I think I’d have been a little peeved.
The Girl You Don’t Bring Home to Momma´s last blog post..Quick Post for A Good Cause
Comment by Laura
| December 4th, 2008
Total bummer!!
I am battling at the moment with kids schedules and very busy globe trotting FWBs!! Just seems we arent able to coordinate being free at the same time!
Its sucky!
Laura´s last blog post..HE HAS SIGNED
Comment by mama llama
| December 4th, 2008
Forget the lover, T. I just want some sleep! That bed looks GREAT right now.
…but if someone wanted to wake me up, I would *not* resist.
Why on earth did she contact you if it were “just to say hi” and she has a boyfriend? Is she stringing you along, just in case “he” doesn’t work out, so she can maintain another waiting in the wings? I don’t like it…smells fishy to me. You be careful, Dads. Mama Llama is feeling a trite protective..
Be well.
mama llama´s last blog post..Malawi, revisited yet again
Comment by Attainingme
| December 4th, 2008
It’s nice to hear that hooking up lost it’s allure (albeit temporary) for you.
I always feel as if I wish I had the ability to do a pure physical thing and cannot. It always bugs me, so it’s nice to hear that a man for a period, was feeling the same.
And for her text . . I don’t get it. I would guess boyfriend or wanting something more than just your booty like single mom said.
Attainingme´s last blog post..Match me and I will role-play
Comment by dadshouse
| December 4th, 2008
That bed looks so comfy because it looks just slept in – by two! And I don’t exactly mean “sleep”…
Lance is right about FWBs ending with little drama and fanfair. They simply end their course.
Though, I am intrigued by some female commenters here who wonder whether my ex-gf/former-lover was sending a different signal when she called… Only one way to find that out, eh?
Comment by Exception
| December 4th, 2008
hat is great for her!! Interesting that she didn’t come out and tell you though exercising the F part of the relationship?
Exception´s last blog post..That Comfy Feeling
Comment by dadshouse
| December 4th, 2008
So, I talked with her. She wants the F and not the B. That’s a little weird for me, because the friend part really wasn’t there after we stopped dating. We were simply focusing on the benefits.
I’m still good friends with some ex-girlfriends, so I know a relationship can change shape. Going from girlfriend to friend was doable. Going from girlfriend to lover sort of worked. The physical intimacy was great. But going from lover to just friend seems weird. I mean, taking away sex isn’t exactly endearing!
Maybe over time, I’ll think of her as a former girlfriend, and relate with her that way. But right now, if she’s not my lover it will be hard to just hang out.
Comment by Mike
| December 4th, 2008
I got to give you props for trying to keep it all together. When I was single and dating, scheduling was a nightmare as well. I was dating single moms for the most part so it was coordinating their open time with mine.
If she’s got a boyfriend and you’ve not seen her for awhile I don’t understand her interest in being friends now. I thing your right, best to distance yourself for awhile…
Mike´s last blog post..Logic and Teenagers
Comment by Honey
| December 4th, 2008
Yeah, I don’t generally see the point in being friends with an ex-FWB unless you were friends at some point in the past. I’d opt out, too…
Honey´s last blog post..In Sickness…
Comment by Leah
| December 4th, 2008
Yeah, it’s hard to go from FWB to just F. Strange that she called, but hey, maybe you were just on her mind. Good thing you followed up to see wtf.
Leah´s last blog post..Lavender oil on my fingertips.
Comment by PT-LawMom
| December 4th, 2008
Sounds to me like she was feeling insecure in her new relationship and just wanted to test you to make sure you’re still around if things go south.
PT-LawMom´s last blog post..Snugglebug
Comment by Vinomom
| December 4th, 2008
So you talked to her and she wants the F and not the B ?
That sounds like a big ol’ Saving Face tactic to me. I think you did offend her by assuming, and she just wants to play it cool now.
No one texts out of the blue just for Friends unless she’s now fishing to see if she can make something more out of the Friends Part.
Vinomom´s last blog post..Pharmaceudicals with Wine – Read with Caution
Comment by dadshouse
| December 4th, 2008
Vinomom – I’m not so sure. Our FWB relationship started when she texted me for booty some time after we stopped dating. So, I don’t think she’s one to get too offended. For whatever reason, she has moved on. And like Lance said, there’s not a ton of drama when a FWB relationship peters out. Time for me to move on, too. (Though I kind of sort of was already doing just that. Maybe she sensed it.)
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| December 4th, 2008
Do you think she heard of your new campaign? How is that going – demand updates!
NewWrldYankee´s last blog post..5 Reasons Being an Expat Can Change Your Life
Comment by QTMama
| December 5th, 2008
She sounds weird to me. Sorry, but why go from FWB to just F with no explanation? DOES she have a new boyfriend? I NEED MORE INFO DAVID! *laugh*
QTMama´s last blog post..Thoughts of Things
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| December 5th, 2008
I think in FWB relationships, no one owes anyone any explanations. That’s the beauty of it. No obligations. No considerations. It just is what it is and when it’s done, it’s done.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..The Land of Oz
Comment by A Girlfriend
| December 7th, 2008
I don’t think she was sending mixed signals like others have said. Sounds like she was moving on from the B and wanted to let you know.