Premarital Sex and the Single Parent
A pundit from the Lasting Marriage University suggests that premarital sex is a major no-no. I won’t argue with any moral stance the author takes; after all, we all subscribe to different religions and philosophies. But the blog post gets into Shakespeare quotes, libraries versus bookstores, and suggests it’s human nature that we all should abstain from sex before marriage.
Not sure what this means about sex after divorce. I assume the author would frown on it. (Not that any of us single parents, besides T, are getting any these days.)
Basically, the LMU author states that human nature hasn’t changed since forever. And since forever, pre-marital sex has been frowned on. We prize things that are most dearly obtained, meaning if sex comes too easily (i.e. before wedlock), we won’t cherish it later. And that (referring to Shakespeare) if we rush into things, we take them too lightly. If we avoid pre-marital sex, our marriages will last.
Single parents take note! Er… I mean, you should have taken note!
As a divorced dad, I’m sort of an expert on sex (I had kids, after all), and marriage (mine didn’t last, but that just gives me added depth of knowledge.) I may not have been in a Lasting Marriage, but as James Joyce said, “Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” Maybe I’ve discovered some awarenesses through my pain.
First, has human nature changed? Yes it has! We are evolving in consciousness. Fifty years ago, and before that, the reasons for marriage were different. A husband and wife partnered for survival. Today? Women work, men nurture, the roles are interchangeable and often autonomous. Women work and nurture. Men nurture and work. I have a slew of single parent readers who can back me up on that one.
Second, do we prize that which is most dearly obtained? Not if you’re enlightened and detach from form. My neighbor might prize his Lexus, but I prize peace, love, and fresh air (among other things there for free). All these things are accessible to me any day of the week, and they aren’t obtained at all – they just are. (At least here in the States! God Bless America for giving me fresh air and peace. Now, where’s my government appointed lover?) Virginity is overrated.
The LMU author says a book is more valuable if we buy it rather than check it out from a library. Isn’t that like saying a hooker is more valuable than a girlfriend? (A hooker might be better in bed, but that’s a different topic… ha!)
As for premarital sex diminishing post-marital sex, I say FOOEY! When I’m in a serious relationship, I totally value the sex I have with my partner. One-night stands are unfulfilling, and while the sex might be hot, is it cherished? No. Sex is way better when there is both physical intimacy and emotional intimacy.
Finally, regarding the Shakespeare quote chosen by LMU (I assume if the Bard said it, it must be so). Prospero was watching two lovers together, and said: “They are both in either’s powers; but this swift business I must uneasy make, lest too light winning make the prize light.”
Is that quote necessarily referring to pre-marital sex? (I haven’t been to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, so I can’t say.) From my perspective, that quote taken out of context like this could be referring to tantric awareness. In tantra, you don’t rush to the finish line. The man withholds his seed for as long as possible, heightening the act. You raise sexual energy form the root chakra to the crown, then revel in full body orgasm. Doing the deed too quickly results in disappointment. Tantric sex is all about doing it slow and deep.
I think the LMU author is too focused on the physical act of sex, and on his own perspective for what is morally right. Sex is indeed a spiritual act, but we are all one spirit – one verse, one song, universe – connected by love. The way to love is through compassion. Sex is just sex.
Half of all first marriages end in divorce. Perhaps human nature doesn’t want us to be coupled up in a Lasting Marriage.
I think I flunked out of the U. Either that, or I transferred.
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Comment by lisaq
| December 16th, 2008
Haha…I must have flunked out too! I definitely agree that sex without the connection is unfulfilling. It’s one reason I mostly avoid one night stands.
I think most quotes taken out of context lose something. It’s why celebs and those in the news are always saying, “That was taken out of context.” Duh.
lisaq´s last blog post..Still Need the Perfect Stocking Stuffer? Pure Romance Has Just What You Need to Spice Up Christmas!
Comment by mama llama
| December 16th, 2008
With people no longer marrying as soon as the hormones hit and waiting to establish careers, finish education, etc., it is highly unrealistic to expect basic physical needs to not be met until our late 20s-40s. Social expectation must evolve with societal change. Whether an individual decides to abstain or not is one’s personal choice that might involve a variety of factors, including religion. However, I find it wrong to pontificate the traditional point to society as a whole when “tradition” in the societal sense is no longer considered the norm; we are not marrying in our teens anymore, and many not even in our early 20s.
So there!
:)
Be well, Dads.
mama llama´s last blog post..bursting with pride
Comment by Drleah www. singlemommyhood.com
| December 16th, 2008
Intimacy without intricacy. It’s the gold standard of sexual consumption for many single parents. Lots of us already have way too much drama in our lives without adding the complications of a sexual relationship with expectations.
Drleah www. singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post..Does this make you run like hell, too?
Comment by Kat Wilder
| December 16th, 2008
Wow — this is way too heady for this early in the morning (and I’ve already had my two cups of joe!)
Two comments: People got married when they were 11 and 12 back in The Bard’s day — right at the time that puberty hit. I mean, they never even knew what hit them and then, bam, marriage and sex!
And second (which really is off topic, but still): Why would a hooker be better in bed than your girlfriend? Isn’t a girlfriend trainable if you have a great relationship and intimacy? Explain, please ….
;-)
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..At least one part of his anatomy likes me
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| December 16th, 2008
Of course we value things more that cost us something. But that’s a far and undue stretch to apply it to everything. Especially premarital sex. It makes sex “the prize.” Sex is not the prize in marriage. So there, the argument begins to fall apart.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..JAKE!
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| December 16th, 2008
This topic is not something I lose sleep over!
Those LMU guys sound like total morons. And I agree—they weirdly focus on certain physical acts in a way that degrades all sex and physical pleasure. I’m certain their philosophy arises from a desire to destroy and pervert people’s physical nature, not from any desire to enhance people’s spiritual side!
Ancient sexual mores were created primarily to control who women have sex with so a man would know which children were his. They weren’t biologically or psychologically derived at all.
Ancient sexual morals also contain many things that I’m sure LSU would frown on! They don’t try to suppress men’s sexuality in the same way they do womens’. In the Bible, supposedly Godly men married multiple wives, had mistresses/concubines, and were even expected to marry/have children with their brothers’ wives if their brothers died without having any children. Does LMU support these things too just because they are ancient (& in the Bible)?
Not to mention that ancient societies also practiced other social customs that we now reject as wrong: slavery, forced circumcism, cruel punishments like whipping, stoning to death, and cutting off someone’s hands for adultery or stealing, infanticide, child slavery and marriage, the subjugation of women, outlawing the education of women, and the sequestration of women (ie in harems).
Thus all you can say about ancient customs is that they are old! They’re not necessarily “right”.
And relying on Shakespeare to support LMU’s feeble arguments? Really? Shakespeare’s writing is brilliant, but it was written as entertainment. It’s kind of like basing your whole life on the 90210 TV series.
Personally, I prefer sex with a man with whom I have an emotional attachment. But I don’t think it’s wrong or emotionally damaging to have sex purely for physical release, as long as you aren’t lying about it and as long as you practice safe sex.
When I was married, I was exclusive. But that was because of promises I made to my ex, and because marriage to me means exclusivity.
But I’m not married any more. I find it ridiculous and insulting that anyone would think they have any right to tell me how I should behave.
Comment by Veep Veep
| December 16th, 2008
Is it wrong that I am insanely jealous to hear T is getting some?
Veep Veep´s last blog post..Help a Child in Need
Comment by The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma
| December 16th, 2008
I flunked out and then some…….Have SEX lots and lots and lots of SEX……..MARRIAGE …overrated and no fun.
The Girl You Don’t Bring Home to Momma´s last blog post..What to Say About Today ????? (Updated)
Comment by T
| December 16th, 2008
First of all, I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s “getting any”. I’m just one of the only ones who write about it.
Secondly, I agree with what you’ve said!! But I also know that everyone has their own opinions and perspectives based on their own personal experiences and filters from their past.
I recall the first time my ex-husband and I had sex after we were married. We both called it “guilt free sex” because we were finally wed. Its not like we felt guilty about it before but because of how we were raised and the expectations placed on us by society, religion and our families, it did feel good to finally be legal, in some weird way.
That was then. I’ve learned a lot about myself, sexually and spiritually since then.
And lastly, I love when you talk about tantra. I so totally agree with you on that. Friends with benefits is fun. I’m not into one night stands. But there is something about that deep spiritual connection that makes the entire sexual experience so pleasurable, so timeless, that the very act in itself is a climactic joy.
T´s last blog post..A new contract
Comment by krn
| December 16th, 2008
“we are all one spirit – one verse, one song, universe – connected by love”
Very nice. Yeah, I think you’ve either transferred or matriculated into a graduate program in spiritual psychology, maybe with a minor in tantra? <–not a flirt, just sayin’
I grew up going to the Oregon Shakespearean Festival every summer and spent a year in Ashland as a college freshman a very long time ago. Fond memories, those. Ashland is a pretty, fun little town well worth a visit. I especially love running the trails in Lithia Park in autumn after the leaves have changed color and are beginning to fall.
Comment by Exception
| December 16th, 2008
I have been thinking about this a bit of late… in the end, it is a decision that each needs to make for themselves. Even in the Victorian era, sex was everywhere. If you think about it… sex under lies so much of life as we know it. I am not sure that it is natural to “wait” until marriage… it is a choice that each makes. It is interesting that some like to overlook sex as the predominant character in culture and life that it is… as if it is something that is to be contained and controlled as it once was (wasn’t). (I will stop babbling now)
Exception´s last blog post..The Question
Comment by SDMktg
| December 16th, 2008
I think David has a point in his second paragraph. Once you’ve been married, it’s all “post-marital” sex from here on out. Even if you saved yourself for marriage the first time around, you can’t unbreak the egg.
SDMktg´s last blog post..Gift Ideas for Tailgaters
Comment by single mom seeking
| December 16th, 2008
Can I just add that the line about “T” really cracked me up! Ah, how well we know each other… or think we do!
single mom seeking´s last blog post..Britney Spears, please cancel your Circus Tour
Comment by Solo-Dad
| December 17th, 2008
Cathouse Teri makes an excellent point that somehow casts doubt on LMU’s entire premise. “Sex isn’t the prize in marriage.” Hell, sometimes it’s not even the door-prize. ;-)
As a Single Dad who’s dating, marriage is the-very-last thing on my mind, but -to be totally honest- sex is always on my mind. No big surprise there, I know…I’m a guy. That isn’t to say it’s my dating quest, but it’s there.
Dadshouse wrote: “I think the LMU author is too focused on the physical act of sex, and on his own perspective for what is morally right.”
Agree. I think he needs to get laid.
Solo-Dad´s last blog post..14 Exclusive Hands-On Courses for Solo-Dads
Comment by Honey
| December 17th, 2008
I have to say I don’t understand how anyone can draw the conclusion that it’s in our nature to abstain. We’re animals, and whether they pair bond or not, NO OTHER animal makes a conscious decision to abstain from the procreative act.
I love sex with my boyfriend! Woot!
Honey´s last blog post..I Gave My Boyfriend a Yeast Infection!
Comment by Leah
| December 17th, 2008
I also think that it’s quite a stretch to say that it’s in our nature to abstain. The only time since puberty that I was totally disengaged from sex was when I was nursing – and I do think there is something to that. It’s like nature’s way of birth control. Other than that, it’s our minds that like to put limits on our bodies.
Add me to the club of single parents who are not getting some, and are very jealous of-I mean happy for-those who are! LOL!
Leah´s last blog post..“I had fun with that man.”