Can Dating Single Parents Be Vulnerable?
With seemingly everyone and their brother joining online dating sites in the New Year (gotta find someone to date!), people are making lists and checking checkboxes of all the traits they want in their ideal partner.
- attractive – check!
- intelligent – check!
- funny – check!
- sexy – check!
- likes dirty text message jokes – check!
DepotDad recently asked – are you making a similar list for you? And instead of asking what traits you’d like to see in yourself (that’s what New Years Resolutions are for), he asked:
What are you willing to risk for love?
Great question!! In his post, he suggests several things. My favorites:
Are you willing to…
1. … be shown that you are not right all of the time?
4. … swallow your pride?
5. … look foolish in the eyes of others?
6. … let another see your weakest moments?
I do all these things when I’m with my kids. I’m definitely raising them with a sense of humor. If I screw up, we all just laugh. The important thing is – they are happy, healthy, learning, growing, loved.
But when it comes to dating, I’m not really willing to let go on these things. Not right now, anyway. I’m simply not willing to risk being vulnerable. There’s too much at stake.
- I’m in charge of my kids’ well-being, not some woman I date.
- I’m responsible for paying my bills and mortgage, not some woman I date.
- I’m motivated to buy and cook healthy meals, not some woman I date.
Since I’m caring for my kids and running a household solo (the half-time they are with me), I can’t afford to be weak. There’s no one to cover for me. Sure, I make mistakes. But at the end of the day, my kids know I’m there doing my best to take care of them. I’m not going to give equal status around my house, and with my kids, to a girlfriend who may not be around next week.
Things would be different if I remarried – then I could be vulnerable and know that she’s got my back.
Maybe that’s my problem when it comes to dating – I’m too self-assured in how I move through my days, and I’m not leaving much room for a woman to contribute.
At least not where my kids are concerned.
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Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 7th, 2009
Yup.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Man… Is A Giddy Thing
Comment by Dr. Leah www.singlemommyhood.com
| January 7th, 2009
Relationships are naturally unpredictable and that keeps our single parent defenses up.
Our kids (and us) have likely had enough change. There’s a lot of clarity when we stay strong — single parents tend to become their own “best friends”.
Dr. Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post..Getting that “online sixth sense”
Comment by T
| January 7th, 2009
Wow. Yeah, I think as single parents, most of us do feel we have to hold our stuff together. I’ve seen myself fall apart after a break-up and my sweet nurturing kids step up to try and make me feel better. I hate that for them but then again, maybe its healthy for them to see me fall down and then get back up. I think that love is worth it. Definitely worth the risk.
T´s last blog post..Calling for Love
Comment by Bonnie
| January 7th, 2009
It is hard, but you can have emotional intimacy without letting go of your responsibilities. When you have it at your best it can allow you to have the safe freedom of really sharing the challenges of parenting and responsibilities with your partner. When you are both able to open up and be vulnerable with each other it is amazing. Do you really want to end up with a partner that can’t be vulnerable with you? Ask yourself what you need to be happy in a relationship and then write it down. Look at that list every time you are about to walk out the door for a date. It will revolutionize your dating experiences. The woman you end up dating will end having similar priorities to you because you won’t be interested in those that don’t. It just works. Try the list. It will also change who you attract.
Comment by MindyMom
| January 7th, 2009
Of course you can’t give equal status to a girlfriend! Or even if you remarry really, because your kids already have a mom. You do however need to be somewhat vulnerable to let that woman get in the door and then close enough to become an imporatant person in your life. Important enough that you want to share her with your kids and your kids with her. We can’t know this right away so one day at a time works for me. I try not to think too far into the future but enjoy each day as it is while remaining open (and vulnerable) enough to see where it can go.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Single Moms: Guilty
Comment by single mom seeking
| January 7th, 2009
First of all — I know you know this! — being vulnerable doesn’t mean being weak. But I DO understand about what you mean by opening yourself up to someone… and then having to dive back into “parent mode.”
One guy used to tease me towards the end of our dates: “I can see you going back into mother mode now.”
As Bonnie points out, isn’t there a way to have times in which you can feel vulnerable… and then switch back?
single mom seeking´s last blog post..What do you think about non-Jews on JDate?
Comment by Exception
| January 7th, 2009
Interesting…I wish I had something delightful to say, but I have a question instead. How are you defining vulnerable? I understand your premise. I freely admit that I am not willing to put the energy into a relationship that one requires as that energy is given to taking care of myself and my daughter… but I am still willing to give myself to people as friends – to be vulnerable, to laugh, to show weakness, to admit when incorrect, to let them into my life.
Comment by Laura
| January 7th, 2009
Pretty cool to hear a guy say this – often its independant women who put men off – didnt think it worked the other way too!!
Laura´s last blog post..Why its cool to be single
Comment by mama llama
| January 7th, 2009
I find myself thinking more and more how I will probably never find another marital…or even live-in…partner again after this, and for precisely many of the reasons you mention, including vulnerability.
To be honest, I think that thought is actually giving me strength now.
Good post, great fodder for reflection. Thanks, Dads. Be well.
mama llama´s last blog post..feeling shattered
Comment by Honey
| January 7th, 2009
Well, here’s another one for you under “what are you willing to risk for love”: are you willing to compromise on issues that are truly important to you?
Honey´s last blog post..Happy New Year: Best Of Honey and Lance 2008
Comment by loriann
| January 7th, 2009
Wow David,
This one hit close to home this morning for me :-)
I often wonder about my ability to share my life with another, to share my vulneribilites. It’s that fear vs. love thing again for me. It’s those casual dalliances, a warm body on a lonely holiday night that is easier than exploring really sharing oneself? I wonder.
Comment by dadshouse
| January 7th, 2009
Bonnie – I totally understand that a single parent can be vulnerable with a partner again. I’ve had a few serious girlfriends post-divorce, I was was vulnerable with them.
The thing that struck me about DepotDad’s list is that I’m unwilling to show vulnerability early on, and that makes it harder to connect. I’ve actually had women tell me they don’t think I need a woman, because I do so much on my own already, and I’m mentally/emotionally stable on my own.
I know there are some women who feel stronger and more secure in a relationship if they feel they are taking care of the man. SingleMomSeeking, for instance, has said a few times that she tends to find men who are wounded and need caring for.
Surely there are women who are okay with me having it all together! Where are they?
MindyMom – I agree with you completely. You can’t give equal status to a dating partner when you have kids.
Exception – I am vulnerable, silly, goofy, make mistakes with my kids and friends. But when it comes to my public face w.r.t. being a parent, I don’t like showing weakness.
Comment by Wendy
| January 7th, 2009
I realize I say it a lot. I need to hear it a lot.
For me,staying in the moment is the way to go. I can show vulnerability and thus my authentic self (which is tantamount) one minute on a date and then switch into mommy mode when that moment arrives.
I just need to be who I am, and where I am at that particular moment. And it’s always evolving.
Nothing says that my being vulnerable with you this moment is any reflection of anything other than this moment. It stands alone.
Wendy´s last blog post..And So It Is…
Comment by krn
| January 7th, 2009
Wendy, you make an excellent point. Being fully present is the key and allows us to switch back and forth fluidly between parent and partner mode, or whatever other mode– career mode, maybe. I think that in each of us there is enough energy to care for many people without draining our own reserves, if we take personal time on a regular basis and are caring for ourselves well to begin with. This is challenging for single parents, but it’s quite possible. You really nailed it with your comment that any given moment stands alone for what it is. If a man is vulnerable, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t managing life well and certainly a very competent person could become vulnerable at any time. Being willing to feel and show yourself in the moment is precisely what attracts me to another person. When glimpses of competency and vulnerability show in one date, that’s a lovely thing. :)
Comment by dadshouse
| January 7th, 2009
Wendy – I totally agree that living in the moment is the way to go. However, when you’re dating, the moments you show someone are a glimpse of what may lie ahead. I think I very purposely try to show my parenting strength and competence early on when I meet a woman, because I don’t want her to think I need rescuing.
But I think me being confident and at ease with my parenting role is not what single women on the dating scene are necessarily used to seeing, and so they sometimes aren’t sure what to make of me.
Maybe I should just be in the moment, like you say, and if a moment shows vulnerability, I shouldn’t get caught up in it.
Comment by The Exception
| January 7th, 2009
I sometimes wonder if men see me as not “needing” the. I mean, I do it all on my own and rarely think twice about it. The reality is different. I don’t “need” them as much as I “want” one to enrich my life. I have learned, perhaps the ahrd way, that it is far more enjoyable to live life as one’s self rather than attempting to be anything different. I don’t mind letting a man see, from the get go, that I am not always pulled together and perfect because… guess what… I am not!
Who is?
Perhaps it is different for Men? Perhaps women, in general, expect them to have it all together and be the stronger sex? I am not sure, but I do know that an attractive man is he who is himself – showing all his sides and willing to be silly and admit that he knows as little as do I (if this is who he is of course) because he is not putting his best foot forward as much as he is being his natural self. This is the man I would see in the future; this is the man I want to know from the beginning. After all, aren’t those silly, little things the ones we find most endearing? If I want a strong, perfect man, I will watch a movie or read a book… or go to work – as there a number of men there who think they are quite the bomb… !
The Exception´s last blog post..Seize the Moment
Comment by katherine.
| January 7th, 2009
You hit upon several of the reasons I have yet to remarry.
Any guy entering my life would have to already understand and KNOW how a new adult…or even one who evolved into a significant, monogamous, longterm other…doesn’t achieve equal status. (It has been an additional deterrent to previous suitors that two of my kids are not mine by birth…but still held first priority with my daughter.)
I am a firm believer in that whole “life stage” gig you are always writing about. It would be very unlikely that I would ever date a man who is not also a single parent…even now that my kids are all over eighteen. I strongly believe a man who is not a parent is unable to really “get it.”
I have never wanted a man I was dating to help or “contribute” to my parenting. I too am rather self assured in my abilities. As for vulnerability…he (whoever he may be) must prove himself worthy of my vulnerability. Not an easy task. And yes… it just may delay a deeper connection. You mention women who think you don’t need them because you do so much on your own. I would say men are even more put off by women who don’t appear to need them.
Where you and I TOTALLY differ…I have been known to let a man buy groceries and cook a healthy and delicious meal …in my kitchen even.
katherine.´s last blog post..wordless wednesday ~ playa del carmen alley
Comment by cyndi
| January 7th, 2009
Yeah, I, for one, feel like I have too much at stake to let myself make even small dating mistakes that would have been ok before the N-Man’s time. Need to protect his heart too. The result is, unless I’m certain it’s perfect first, I’m not going there. HA! Good luck with that approach, huh? Plus, I find that my days are already so packed full that I’m not able to comprehend how I’d find time to let someone else in and risk mucking up the system. Or maybe the bottom line is, I’m just not ready yet, even though in my mind I think I’d like to get back out there. Maybe all I’m really ready for is the fantasy right now.
cyndi´s last blog post..Yay vacation
Comment by L
| January 8th, 2009
I dated a guy like you. Totally had it all together, raised his kids alone, worked, went back to school to finish a degree. He had very little room in his life for me. He had remarried earlier when his kids were younger, probably b/c at that time he needed more help. But at this stage of his life, he didn’t NEED anyone. I need to feel needed and wanted.
You might be giving off that vibe, that you don’t need someone. At least open up enough, to let the women know that you do want a serious relationship with the right woman.
Comment by SoloDad
| January 8th, 2009
Vulnerability is a huge risk for some guys, me included. Solo-Parenting is a 24/7 commitment. You have to compartmentalize in dating. Your kids are your priority – that’s in stone. But you (not you, DadsHouse…but you…as in all of us) also should allow yourself the opportunity to be vulnerable. I think vulnerability is the precursor to intimacy.
Now, if I could just walk that talk. :)
SoloDad´s last blog post..How to Simplify Your Living Space & Experience Less Stress