Comments on: Can Dating Single Parents Be Vulnerable?

By: SoloDad

SoloDad — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 05:52:21 +0000

Vulnerability is a huge risk for some guys, me included. Solo-Parenting is a 24/7 commitment. You have to compartmentalize in dating. Your kids are your priority - that's in stone. But you (not you, DadsHouse...but you...as in all of us) also should allow yourself the opportunity to be vulnerable. I think vulnerability is the precursor to intimacy. Now, if I could just walk that talk. :) SoloDad´s last blog post..How to Simplify Your Living Space & Experience Less Stress

By: L

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 11:18:28 +0000

I dated a guy like you. Totally had it all together, raised his kids alone, worked, went back to school to finish a degree. He had very little room in his life for me. He had remarried earlier when his kids were younger, probably b/c at that time he needed more help. But at this stage of his life, he didn’t NEED anyone. I need to feel needed and wanted.
You might be giving off that vibe, that you don’t need someone. At least open up enough, to let the women know that you do want a serious relationship with the right woman.

By: cyndi

cyndi — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:09:01 +0000

Yeah, I, for one, feel like I have too much at stake to let myself make even small dating mistakes that would have been ok before the N-Man's time. Need to protect his heart too. The result is, unless I'm certain it's perfect first, I'm not going there. HA! Good luck with that approach, huh? Plus, I find that my days are already so packed full that I'm not able to comprehend how I'd find time to let someone else in and risk mucking up the system. Or maybe the bottom line is, I'm just not ready yet, even though in my mind I think I'd like to get back out there. Maybe all I'm really ready for is the fantasy right now. cyndi´s last blog post..Yay vacation

By: katherine.

katherine. — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:08:55 +0000

You hit upon several of the reasons I have yet to remarry. Any guy entering my life would have to already understand and KNOW how a new adult…or even one who evolved into a significant, monogamous, longterm other…doesn’t achieve equal status. (It has been an additional deterrent to previous suitors that two of my kids are not mine by birth…but still held first priority with my daughter.) I am a firm believer in that whole “life stage” gig you are always writing about. It would be very unlikely that I would ever date a man who is not also a single parent…even now that my kids are all over eighteen. I strongly believe a man who is not a parent is unable to really “get it.” I have never wanted a man I was dating to help or “contribute” to my parenting. I too am rather self assured in my abilities. As for vulnerability…he (whoever he may be) must prove himself worthy of my vulnerability. Not an easy task. And yes… it just may delay a deeper connection. You mention women who think you don’t need them because you do so much on your own. I would say men are even more put off by women who don’t appear to need them. Where you and I TOTALLY differ…I have been known to let a man buy groceries and cook a healthy and delicious meal …in my kitchen even. katherine.´s last blog post..wordless wednesday ~ playa del carmen alley

By: The Exception

The Exception — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 23:59:50 +0000

I sometimes wonder if men see me as not "needing" the. I mean, I do it all on my own and rarely think twice about it. The reality is different. I don't "need" them as much as I "want" one to enrich my life. I have learned, perhaps the ahrd way, that it is far more enjoyable to live life as one's self rather than attempting to be anything different. I don't mind letting a man see, from the get go, that I am not always pulled together and perfect because... guess what... I am not! Who is? Perhaps it is different for Men? Perhaps women, in general, expect them to have it all together and be the stronger sex? I am not sure, but I do know that an attractive man is he who is himself - showing all his sides and willing to be silly and admit that he knows as little as do I (if this is who he is of course) because he is not putting his best foot forward as much as he is being his natural self. This is the man I would see in the future; this is the man I want to know from the beginning. After all, aren't those silly, little things the ones we find most endearing? If I want a strong, perfect man, I will watch a movie or read a book... or go to work - as there a number of men there who think they are quite the bomb... ! The Exception´s last blog post..Seize the Moment

By: dadshouse

dadshouse — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 22:52:51 +0000

Wendy – I totally agree that living in the moment is the way to go. However, when you’re dating, the moments you show someone are a glimpse of what may lie ahead. I think I very purposely try to show my parenting strength and competence early on when I meet a woman, because I don’t want her to think I need rescuing.

But I think me being confident and at ease with my parenting role is not what single women on the dating scene are necessarily used to seeing, and so they sometimes aren’t sure what to make of me.

Maybe I should just be in the moment, like you say, and if a moment shows vulnerability, I shouldn’t get caught up in it.

By: krn

krn — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 22:44:37 +0000

Wendy, you make an excellent point. Being fully present is the key and allows us to switch back and forth fluidly between parent and partner mode, or whatever other mode– career mode, maybe. I think that in each of us there is enough energy to care for many people without draining our own reserves, if we take personal time on a regular basis and are caring for ourselves well to begin with. This is challenging for single parents, but it’s quite possible. You really nailed it with your comment that any given moment stands alone for what it is. If a man is vulnerable, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t managing life well and certainly a very competent person could become vulnerable at any time. Being willing to feel and show yourself in the moment is precisely what attracts me to another person. When glimpses of competency and vulnerability show in one date, that’s a lovely thing. :)