Dad's House

Single Parent Dating
& Parenting Teens

50 Responses to “Sexy Text Messages That Can’t Be Ignored”

1. Comment by Dr. Leah | January 12th, 2009

   There are no “accidents”. Whether its a “no contract” cell phone, an AMEX chit for a pricey restaurant, or sales slip from a florist, you were meant to find this evidence. Your partner is looking to gauge your reaction.

   Could this be happening on some subconscious level? Sure. The reality, however, is still the same.

   Why is your partner choosing to “communicate” in this way? That’s the million dollar question. As in most things in life, it is not what happens to us but, rather, how we chose to react.

   After a “message” like this, the ball is definitely in your court. You now know. What are you going to do about it?

   Dr. Leah´s last blog post..Getting that “online sixth sense”

2. Comment by lisaq | January 12th, 2009

   Ugh! What a perfectly horrid thing to have to deal with.

   lisaq´s last blog post..Top 10 Dating Resolutions for 2009

3. Comment by Wendy | January 12th, 2009

   Reminds me of one on my list of top three things for a relationship….

   trust.

   Wendy´s last blog post..Check this out…

4. Comment by Cathouse Teri | January 12th, 2009

   I’m afraid that my only advice is that a “controlling, blaming partner” who cannot be approached about anything should have been left behind long ago.

   I should know. I stayed with one for 18 years. Which was about 17.5 years too long.

   Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Man… Is A Giddy Thing

5. Comment by MindyMom | January 12th, 2009

   The phone speaks for itself so no denying what’s going on. With a “contolling, blaming partner” the only thing that will happen if confronted is them trying to gaslight the one who found the phone causing doubt. It’s a matter of deciding what you want to do about a cheating, controlling and blaming spouse. My advice; RUN!

   MindyMom´s last blog post..Women’s Intuition

6. Comment by debra | January 12th, 2009

   So sorry your reader is having to live this. I had a similar revelation with my ex, though his indiscretion was via email, which he left open our our shared laptop; yeah, he wanted to get caught. I would have almost rathered it had been a sexy, steamy exchange, I could have written that off as a superficial relationship….but the ‘I love you’ ‘I miss you’ ‘xoxo’ stuff caused a far more serious pain; it implied a longer term relationship had been going on, and that it had a strong emotional component, as opposed to just a physical one. Not that I would have forgiven either. When I was in this spot, my decision was clear, I have always had a no tolerance/no forgiveness attitude toward cheating. Your reader’s approach will depend entirely on her own beliefs, but hopefully she’ll get support from family/friends etc. no matter what she decides.

7. Comment by Me Thinks | January 12th, 2009

   I am with Cathouse Terri 100% on this: a “controlling, blaming partner” who cannot be approached about anything should have been left behind long ago.

   I certainly wouldn’t just put it back quickly without wanting to know more. I’d like to pretend I wouldn’t do it but… I would probably look at the number its from and do some research, maybe even call it to find out who it is, or investigate a little. I know it wouldn’t matter – cheating is cheating regardless of how or why – and it wouldn’t change the outcome – divorce and immediate end of the marriage – but I know how I am and I’d need to understand it better or it would eat me up wondering about it.

8. Comment by ditz | January 12th, 2009

   Having gone through something similar (it was emails, not texts), my advice is not to confront right now. Get legal advice, and start making plans. Those are not innocent text messages. You can look up the cell phone # being called, for a fee online, but that isn’t going to help very much, really, except having those numbers and dates written down might help in the confrontation. The reader has to decide what they want to do.If you want to mess with their head, move the phone to a different drawer LOL.

9. Comment by Exception | January 12th, 2009

   This is heart wrenching… with all the work and effort… and then to find something that seems to go counter to everything that they are doing…

   Exception´s last blog post..The Nagging Questions

10. Comment by Mike | January 12th, 2009

    That’s one of those moments that will define you. I would expect the spouse to be that way since that would be how they keep control and rationalize their actions. Personally it’s a issue that needs to be talked about and issues need to be handled with outside help. If the spouse is unwilling to do that then I would see the end coming soon.

    Mike´s last blog post..Must Love Dogs 2

11. Comment by katherine. | January 12th, 2009

    I’m with ditz.

    If your reader is gonna end the relationship with the controlling partner they need an escape route.

    make note of the number(s) called…the number of the drawer phone…start making plans…get legal advice…maybe evidence.

    although I can not imagine how difficult it would be to maintain as if your reader didn’t know…

    katherine.´s last blog post..wordless wednesday ~ playa del carmen alley

12. Comment by T | January 12th, 2009

    Well, first of all, you didn’t say whose drawer it was in or how old the kids are. Could it be one of the teenage kids is hiding a secret romance?

    And if it is the ex….

    *sigh*

    I’ve been on both sides of this one. I also agree that part of it is that the one committing the act does want to get caught. Because once they are caught, they don’t have to carry their guilt anymore. Then they can project it on to someone else.

    “Controlling” and “blaming” are both actions brought on by fear and guilt. The controlling spouse probably feels terribly guilty but has no idea how to reconcile their guilt. So, they project it on to their significant other. It makes it much easier to deal with when you can blame someone else.

    Now, this reader could confront with all of this in mind and perhaps find compassion in the feelings of their spouse. But we all know that is easier said than done.

    I wish I could give an answer of what is the best thing to do. It is not going to be a fun process, by any means. I would definitely write down the numbers, the texts, etc. Perhaps even bring it up to the counselor when they’re at their next counseling session. Maybe it’d be best addressed with a third party involved.

    Good luck.

    T´s last blog post..Does it matter who has it worse? Really?

13. Comment by Cathouse Teri | January 12th, 2009

    I’m assuming it was found in the spouse’s underwear drawer. I agree with T. The best place to confront this is in the presence of the counselor. That way there is a witness. AND you have an informed, yet objective contributor to the conversation.

    I mean, it’s not like things can get worse, right?

    I’m all for red flags being tended to early on. This situation has probably gone very far past that. For instance, if my partner and I go one WEEK without sex, I know there’s something that needs to be discussed. :)

    Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Man… Is A Giddy Thing

14. Comment by rdawg | January 12th, 2009

    As I read that story I could feel my pulse quickening remembering my own feelings after reading several inappropriate txt’s on my ex’s cell after her late night outs. It’s an awful feeling made worse by having it turned back on you. After a while I knew exactly how the argument would go. First, she would act like she didn’t know what I was talking about, second, deny anything and everything, third, turn it around and blame it on me.
    Once the trust was gone it was time to move on.

15. Comment by dadshouse | January 12th, 2009

    Rdawg – that whole “turn it around and blame you” thing is the definition of co-dependency. I was in a relationship like that post-divorce. Once I realized it was co-dependent, I was able to stand tall and not get sucked in to those projections of guilt.

    Dr. Leah – I totally agree. “Accidents” like that happen to bring things to light.

    T – fear and guilt are terrible motivators, aren’t they? Great insights.

    Exception – I feel the same way. When I read the first email I exchanged with this reader, my heart went out to them.

16. Comment by Cyn Bro | January 12th, 2009

    What a devastating find. I can’t even imagine.

    I like the idea of moving it to another drawer and not saying anything. I think I would also start small conversations with “hey we need to talk” and follow it up with small relationship talk such as “the cable bill was so high this month” but then I am a little evil.

    My true advice is to start planning. Face the situation head on, plan for your future and move forward at an appropriate time.

17. Comment by Wendy | January 12th, 2009

    The reader wonders what they should do?

    It’s simple in a not so simple way.

    Trust your gut.

    You know what to do. Just listen.

    Wendy´s last blog post..Is Being a Parent Enough?

18. Comment by lumberjack | January 12th, 2009

    I went through the same thing 7 months ago with my ex.

    If you share a computer with this person, or have access to their home comptuer, put on a keylogger ASAP. They may not be contacting their affair partner via email, but they will be emailing their girlfriends about it. How “he’s different” and you “just don’t understand her”.

    Find out how deep she is in, she may already be planning to divorce you, don’t allow yourself to be suprised any further.

    For me, I knew it was over, but I tried months of counseling trying to save the marriage for the sake of the children. She never cut off the affair and now she’s gone.

19. Comment by Leah | January 12th, 2009

    How terribly painful. Yet I am with Dr. Leah that this was an accident that was meant to happen, and it is the perfect out to what sounds like a very difficult marriage. I’m sure that doesn’t make it any easier…

    Also, this just popped into my head. Before the reader confronts the spouse he or she should make sure that there are some safeguards against the spouse withdrawing all the money in joint checking accounts, etc. I have heard horror stories about what people do when their backs are up against a wall.

    Leah´s last blog post..Impermanence

20. Comment by Lance | January 12th, 2009

    That is indeed a smoking gun. Why would a partner leave this is an underwear drawer?? That’s the first place I’d look if I was snooping around. It’d be safer to store something like that in a hidden compartment in a purse!

    If the passion is gone (ie no sex) and the evidence is there that the partner is cheating, it’s time to cut the cord. Sack up and do it.

    Lance´s last blog post..Thought Leader Interview Series: David Wygant

21. Comment by krn | January 12th, 2009

    To your reader- hugs. Individual counseling to discuss feelings about this might help a lot.

    Then, consider consulting a reputable, highly recommended attorney right away to start planning your independence in case you decide that is what you must do. Be careful and be smart. I know it hurts and I’m very sorry to hear that you’re going through this. In time, you will be better than you’ve been in a long time. Time, taking care of yourself and living a good life again will help you heal. Mediation is a possibility, but it’s very, very difficult with someone who is controlling and blaming.

22. Comment by Gennaro @ Enduring Wanderlust | January 12th, 2009

    It sounds like the relationship is coming to an end. That is, unless, the person was always very flirtation and always exhibited this behavior (without following thru) and their partner accepts it. It’s a rare case, but it might be possible.

    Gennaro @ Enduring Wanderlust´s last blog post..Scuba Diving Certification In Affordable Paradise

23. Comment by Jim Everson | January 12th, 2009

    Wow. This needs to be cleared up right away. The controlling spouse needs to be confronted and the facts have to be put out there. If there is an innocent explanation, great. If not, then the partner who found the phone needs to seriously ask themselves if they want to be in a relationship with someone who is controlling, deceptive, AND unfaithful. And if the answer is yes, then they have serious issues to deal with, and if the answer is no, then the sooner ended the better. Best wishes to your friend/reader. This situation sounds very sucky.

    Jim Everson´s last blog post..Just Wondering

24. Comment by Mad Mom! | January 12th, 2009

    If after much deliberation, you decide you want to end the marriage, I would take the phone, put it in a safey deposit box, don’t tell him you found it, (it will drive him nuts when he can’t find it) file for divorce, and use it as evidence against him in court. Turnabout is fair play.

25. Comment by Kat Wilder | January 12th, 2009

    Whose underwear drawer? Hubby’s? And she does the laundry? Hmm, then you just say, “hey, look at this. What’s this phone about?” Because obviously, he wasn’t hiding it!

    If you start stooping to a low level by snooping, or keeping the phone, recording the phone numbers, reading the messages (too late!), you become just as guilty. Or maybe the only guilty one.

    Innocent until proven guilty. Still, paying attention to his reaction, and listening to your gut, will tell you all you need.

    Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Ann Coulter, single moms and me

26. Comment by Lisa | January 13th, 2009

    Been there, only it was years ago and it was a pager, which magically disappeared after I asked about it.
    Sometimes you’re just fighting a losing battle, going to counseling, trying to make it work.
    Sounds like your spouse is just trying to find someone new for when you finally kick them out. Definitely ask about it, but be prepared to be lied to. I spent way too many years with a lying, cheating SOB. I hope you don’t waste too many of your yrs on a losing battle.

27. Comment by rdawg | January 13th, 2009

    keylogger, cell phone records, or just as simple hitting the back button on the windows browser, it’s stooping to their level. My ex always found some other way to hide the evidence of her affairs. After a while you get tired of beating your head against the wall and realize your kids deserve way better.

    Dadshouse – thanks for the heads up on the co-dependency defintion. In all of the counseling I’ve gone through, not once was that ever mentioned, but you’ve hit the nail on the head, thanks, now maybe I can try and understand things better and move on after my separation.

28. Comment by Solo-Dad | January 13th, 2009

    What a yucky situation. I’ve been there and there isn’t any way to go back without losing your self-respect. Begin today to make a plan for your future.

    Solo-Dad´s last blog post..Solo-Dad Recommends: Zen To Done

29. Comment by dadshouse | January 13th, 2009

    Rdawg – there’s a fabulous book on codependency by Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, blogged about here: http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/07/29/great-books-for-relationship-and-divorce-advice/

    I have a follow up post to this sexy text messages situation coming shortly.

30. Comment by Honey | January 13th, 2009

    Ugh, how awful. I agree with what others have said here:

    1) Take whatever pre-steps are necessary to protect yourself financially, and
    2) Confront the spouse in the presence of the joint therapist. If you want a divorce, serve him there as well.

    Honey´s last blog post..My Boyfriend’s Mother

31. Comment by Jcubed | January 13th, 2009

    Call an attorney! Get a seperate checking account! Throw a small bag with survival supplies (e.g. change of clothes, travel toiletries, cell phone charger, fifty bucks…) into your car! Establish an escape route/destination! Put the number for the nearest battered women’s shelter in your cell phone!

    Just a few suggestions from someone who has been there.

    You were meant to find the phone. You don’t have to set yourself up for even lower self-esteem by the confrontation and inevitable brow-beating that will ensue.

32. Comment by PT-LawMom | January 13th, 2009

    My ex was that way (controlling/blaming). His cheating hit home with incontrovertable proof (STD) and even then he managed to not only blame me but make me think I was crazy so much so that I made my OB/Gyn retest! Ugh. And I stayed with him for almost another year trying to fix the relationship before filing for divorce. I think your reader needs to consult an attorney about her options and face the various realities. And pay attention to JCubed. I didn’t believe people who said that to me but he raised his fists to me the day before I filed… in front of our five year-old, who was quivering under the covers. To your reader, good luck (and I am so sorry).

    PT-LawMom´s last blog post..Getting it

33. Comment by movin down the road | January 14th, 2009

    I’d walk in with the phone in hand and hand it to the spouse (who’s affair phone it is) and then walk back to the other room. Then they know you know and then they have to figure out what to do from there…in terms of waking the elephant.

    movin down the road´s last blog post..Comfort Food Today

34. Comment by Prayingforyou | January 16th, 2009

    Went through it myself…I confronted him, said he was sorry…but continued doing it…so I called her and begged :( We are in counseling now; lots of prayer, still building the trust back up…long road; but it’s worth the work!

35. Comment by SDMktg | January 19th, 2009

    Been there. Trust was lost on both sides of the relationship and we tried to make it work for over a year before it all collapsed. In the end she just didn’t want to be married anymore.

    SDMktg´s last blog post..Inauguration Feast – Recipes for Obama Taking Office

36. Comment by brookem | February 2nd, 2009

    i just wrote a post on sexting (sexy texts) last week. but it was quite different than this one.

    i really feel for this person. what a shitty situation to be in. i’m honestly not sure what i would do, because i’ve never been faced with such a situation. im inclined to say that i couldn’t just let it go. id try to find a time that i could speak with my spouse in a calm way and let him know what i found. i couldn’t deal with the angst of not mentioning it.

37. Comment by samUwell | May 14th, 2009

    so, it looks like i am not the only person going through this very same thing right now.

    my wife and i separated in the middle of Feb to take a break and try to work on our marriage. she actions towards me began to take a different look by the middle of March. in April, i knew something other than working on our marriage was consuming her so, i began to dig. and dig i did. it took me close to a month but i finally got her passwords for her bank account and her work email.

    on May, 7th thats when i finally found it all out. naturally, i forwarded all the “sexting” between her and this guy to my email, took screen shots of everything and then texted her, “how long have you and XXX been seeing each other?”

    i was quickly bumped off her connection, i logged back in 1 hour later and all the emails were gone. LOL!!

    even with all this information that i have, she still will not admit to having an affair with this man and i believe its because he too is married and this is driving me NUTS!!!

    i am 38 years old, father of a 14 year daughter and i dont know what to do? please help!!!

38. Comment by Willie Gunnz | June 19th, 2009

    I’m going through this right now. I found “miss you” texts and “always thinking of you” texts and it devastated me. I’m 32 yrs old and we have four kids together. After days of silence she finally explained the situation to me. She claims to have only slept with him once but one or a hundred is all the same to me. What hurt the most is that she was telling him the stuff I wanted her to say to me. I’m the kind of person that likes to tell my lover that i love her and miss her all the time, just so she knows that she is loved. She begged me to stay with her and that she made a huge mistake. I want to believe her but i don’t. I want to leave her but I cant imagine breaking up our family. (i was raised by a single mother)I still love her but I don’t trust her anymore. She has started to show me more attention by texting and calling more. She tells me that she loves me and she seems to really want to make us work. She’s the type of person that doesn’t know how to talk about her feelings and she’s trying really hard to talk it out now. She claims to have stopped communicating with him. Am I just setting myself up to be hurt again or do “we” really stand a chance? Anybody been through the same, please let me know.

39. Comment by natty | July 31st, 2009

    i have just recently read my boyfriends texts, and i feel terrible for doing so, but i am angry because he said in a test message to a girl he has once been with, ” i’m drawn to you “, in the past week i have managed to make jokes about his other women to try and see if he reacts, but its no use. I dont know what to do, I don’t think he would cheat on me, but i am going away to school so soon so i think he’s using her as a back up plan incase we split up, but it hurts so much inside and i can’t find it in myself to approach him and tell him that i saw the text, I feel like i betrayed his trust in the first place by reading the texts, im in agonizing pain over this, but yet i smile on, can someone please send me an angel …

40. Comment by Ginger Magnolia | August 27th, 2009

    Dad, I wonder if you can share what your reader ultimately decided to do, and what the outcome was?

    My ex didn’t even try to hide his sexy texts – he didn’t get a no-contract phone until after I knew about his affair…because he didn’t want the military to know about it – his career was more important than his family.

    I was surprised to find comments here telling your reader not to collect the proof before revealing that he/she knew about the affair. By some act of God, I had enough wherewithal to do just that, and I am very thankful that I did. I don’t feel as if that was “stooping to his level.” Every dirty picture, every sexy text was simply handed over to my lawyer (there were a lot). I only saw one, and that was one too many.

    If I hadn’t investigated what was happening, I would have been taken completely advatage of (more than I already had been)when we got divorced. There’s using investigation to keep you and your children protected, and there’s using it to exact revenge – and nothing good would come of that, for anyone involved.
    Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Totally Music Tuesday

41. Comment by April | August 28th, 2009

    I believe that there’s 2 types of cheating. One can be forgivable if not done habitually. The other is the worst kind possible and is unforgivable because a certain line was crossed.

    The forgivable kind is the one just done for sex. In my opinion sex can be just sex. Someone can cheat because they’re not getting the attention or amount of sex they require from their partner. There’s usually no strings, no feelings, just sex. To me this is forgivable because the partner can always strive to provide the cheater with whatever was lacking to begin with. Then, hopefully, they can work on things and get past it in due time.

    The unforgivable kind is the kind where love gets involved. Love is far more sacred than sex. Don’t get me wrong, being cheated on hurts. But having the person you love fall in love with someone else behind your back hurts far worse.

    I’m reading this kind of late, as I followed the link from Hot Dads, so I do not know what happened between these two. I find it hard to give advice in situations like this because people tend to do what they want regardless. However, I hope this person has figured it out and made the decision that’s best.
    April´s last blog ..What happens in the mind of April over 5 days

42. Comment by thewildmind | August 30th, 2009

    I know I’m really late to the scene and probably whatever is going to be done has already been done, but…if it were me…I’d keep the phone, silence it, carry it with me or put it in a safe deposit box and watch my partner spiral out of control when they realize it’s gone missing. Hmmm, that might start some conversation now, mightn’t it? Another option, text phony responses back that cast doubt and suspicion between the two of them then step back and watch things spiral out of control. It could actually be entertaining.

    I know, I know, pretty evil of me to even suggest those things, and I’m really not trying to make light of a truly heartbreaking situation, but isn’t there a saying that goes, “All’s fair in love and war?” People tend to hang themselves if given enough rope to do it.

    Yes, dadhouse, I agree with the others who’ve requested an update. Please! Please! How did this story end…or has it?
    thewildmind´s last blog ..Dealing With Frustration

43. Comment by thewildmind | August 30th, 2009

    Oh, and I would contact my attorney immediately and get my financial affairs in order, since someone obviously already took care of the emotional affairs.
    thewildmind´s last blog ..Dealing With Frustration

44. Comment by Sara | September 7th, 2009

    Definitely I think she or he should do their best to not immediately confront the spouse, but they should collect the evidence and protect themselves financially. That does not mean they cannot also decide whether things can be worked out.
    Just curious, do cheaters usually deny even when there is undeniable evidence? Do cheaters who want to continue the affair and leave the marriage ever at least apologize or acknowledge their responsibility? Either partner could have done things better I’m sure, but only one chose to go outside the marriage which pretty much dooms the marriage as far as I’m concerned. Even if they continue to successfully hide it they will compare their spouse to the other person, they may resent their spouse seeing them as an obstacle to having all they want (house, pension, custody, lover)causing them to treat their spouse worse ( unloving, cold shoulder, no sex, contemptuous, resentful, critical ) and then when their spouse reacts in a way that is not entirely pleasant – if this affair lasts a while then they come to think of their spouse as unhappy and complaining. All along there was good reason to complain. Now the cheater blames the spouse for the affair because they were not pleasant to live with. Familiar pattern. and they will treat their spouse differently and then likely blame their spouse for complaining when maybe the spouse is complaining because they sense or know the cheater is treating them poorly. If they do apologize and admit it, just possibly they wanted to get caught due to guilt and the desire to improve the marriage. More likely though they want the other to go through the work of actually filing for the divorce. In Maryland you need to have a witness or private detective see a public display of affection, and you have to show they had sufficient time for sexual intercourse (oral does not count, and neither do homosexual acts), and the text message might only help as a way to back of the PDA to show the nature of the relationship. So one needs to collect evidence and not tip their hand, or the cheater will start covering up and erasing the evidence. The faithful spouse might even be the one considered at fault if they leave the marriage without proof that will hold up in court, and their might be all kinds of ramifications if they live in a state where their are grounds for divorces as opposed to no fault states. So there is justification to snoop in this case. The cheater will love to turn that around and blame you, but thats because they want to get away with it or wait until they can make the best possible arrangements before they ask for a divorce. PROTECT YOURSELF.

45. Comment by sher | October 9th, 2009

    He clearly doesnt respect you the way that you need/deserve to be respected. Make sure you are financially stable. Pack your things and go. For every three miserable toads like him there are three better men out there.

46. Comment by ShrimpieDad | October 26th, 2009

    This is one that’s close to my heart. I suspected my wife was cheating on me for months, only to have her vehemently deny it, accuse me of being a jerk for not trusting her, and punishing me for doubting her. Ultimately we got divorced for a very angry, disfunctional relationship. [ Ed. Note: this comment in its entirety is here: discreet affair comment. ]

47. Comment by bribri | November 21st, 2009

    NO MALE ON PLANET EARTH WOULD WANT TO BE IN A COUNCLERS OFFICE WITH HIS WIFE!!! ur just gonna make him feel like his balls have dropped!

48. Comment by bribri | November 21st, 2009

    and btw for every jackass messed up jerk out there, there are 3 beatiful bitches to make up for trouble the jackass has caused the human race!!!!

49. Comment by marc | December 22nd, 2009

    found our joint phone bill with 750 txts to another lads number 400 of which were whislt we took the kids on holiday when confroned she told me it was just a bit of fun texting i am no longer with her and have since found out the truth which was not nice upwards and onwards i say the bitch

50. Comment by Anonymous | January 26th, 2010

    My spouses text from an anonymous person said “I miss you” “I want you” “I need you” “I love you” “Muah” – top that one!

Leave a Reply

Name (required)

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Website

Dad's House
© 2008-2010 David Mott, DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved. Privacy notice. Terms of use.