Discreet Affair
When you’re having marital problems and you find a pre-paid cell phone hidden in your wife’s belongings, and the phone is full of sexy I love you text messages, Dad’s House readers tend to agree – there’s a discreet affair going on, the marriage is over, pack your bags, freeze your financial assets, and run for the hills.
Except for one thing – you recognize the phone number of the texting sender as an openly gay female friend.
Your wife’s having a discreet affair with a woman? The Dad’s House reader who emailed me about this situation said his first reaction was no. He knew it was probably just his male ego talking; no man wants to lose his wife to a woman. But when he thought about it more, he knew the sexy texting was hard evidence that things between him and his wife were worse than he thought. A discreet affair was highly probable.
Still, did it mean his wife was gay? Maybe she was bisexual, or experimenting, going through a phase. Would she eventually return her focus and energy to the marriage?
A lot of men would just walk away from a wife who was having a discreet affair like this. But maybe it’s different if you’re parenting children together. There are couples who stick out the most hateful marriage simply so their kids can have one home, one family. (Ann Coulter would be proud.) This reader had been raised to stay married, no matter what. The discreet affair was testing him deeply.
Seems his wife was already in therapy, dealing with issues from her past. Perhaps she was trying to sort out her sexuality. As her husband, he felt duty-bound to stay by her side – after all, when they got married, they both vowed they’d stick together through thick and thin, richer and poorer, better and worse.
But did marital vows cover the question of straight or gay? Did you have to stay through an affair, discreet or not?
Question for Dad’s House readers – looking back on your own marriage, now that it has ended and you’ve been on your own for a while, do you wish you had somehow figured out a way to work through all the relationship problems, support each other through difficult times, give each other the space needed to evolve and grow, learn to accept, forgive, and live from a place of compassion?
Do you wish you’d fought for the marriage at all costs, for your kids’ sake?
Or in some situations is the best option divorce?
There’s more to this story, including what happened to the cell phone – coming later this week.
Subscribe and be the first to know.
In the meantime, fire away…
- Lonely Housewives
- Failed Marriage or Success?
- Dating After Divorce
- Shirtless Runner – Flirting With an Affair
- Get Divorced!
- Great Books for Relationship and Divorce Advice
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Comment by MindyMom
| January 14th, 2009
To answer your questions Dads, I did fight for my marriage and was willing to try to work out our problems even after I discoverd my husband was having an affair with my best friend. I thought that would be the better route for me and my family than dealing with the devastating consequences of those two remaining together – because of how deceptive and manipulative she had been – but my husband was getting an ego boost and preferred that to working on our marriage and taking a good hard look at himself. So, unless both parties are willing to do the work, it’s a done deal.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Saying Goodbye
Comment by Wendy
| January 14th, 2009
For the question of do I wish I’d fought for the marriage at all costs…hell no. In retrospect, I wonder what the confusion was. Hindsight is 20/20, and I see clearly now that he is not the one for me.
One of the most important commonalities in a marriage for me is values. They must mesh.
They didn’t in my case, and it sounds like they may not in your readers case as well.
Wendy´s last blog post..My Story
Comment by Attainingme
| January 14th, 2009
Great post. I think about this a lot. As I watched my parents go through the above, I found it incredibly hard to understand my mother’s desire to fight. I thought their separation was the key to the rediscovery of their identity’s and the key to their individual happiness. I learned that all of us are different. We all need different things and I know to accept whatever path a couple may choose to pursue, the fight or the flight.
I am interested in what people have to say . .
Attainingme´s last blog post..Human Yo-Yo
Comment by Me Thinks
| January 14th, 2009
I tried – went to marriage counseling ALONE, he wouldn’t go – but my ex had mental health issues that essentially altered his personality to where he truly was not the person I married. Trying to “fix” him took a toll on our marriage that was irrepairable. He’s healthy now but still changed so much, we can get along and laugh sometimes but I am such a happier person now, I can’t imagine life together anymore.
One thing I learned from my experience is to fight harder right away instead of waiting to see if things get better on their own. That is setting it up for failure. I will never be the one who lets a good relationship fail simply from lack of effort.
Comment by Tricia
| January 14th, 2009
MindyMom, you and I have the same exact story.
When my ex just came right out and told me about his affair with my best friend, his purpose was to get me to dump him and free him up to be with her. But I fought. And fought. Especially after finding out I was pregnant just four days later.
Our marriage was never what I had hoped or wanted it to be, and when this happened, honest to God my first thought was, “This could be just what this marriage needed.” It ultimately didn’t turn out that way, though. I think the biggest lesson I learned is that no matter how seriously one person takes their marriage vows, it does no good if the other one doesn’t.
Of course, now that I can see the forest for the trees, I’m thankful that I’m not stuck in that anymore and now have a second chance to get it right.
Tricia´s last blog post..And…..exhale….(part I)
Comment by Dr. Leah www.singlemommyhood.com
| January 14th, 2009
My husband broke up with me over the telephone as the moving van was pulling away with all our possessions. You can’t make this stuff up . . .after that, I was fighting for survival.
In hindsight? Always 20/20. I deserved better than the best of what he had to offer. My kids and I would have been way better off if I had been brave enough to leave before he made that fateful phone call.
Dr. Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post..Valentine’s Day party giveaway contest!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 14th, 2009
I don’t think it matters whether the straying partner was seeking out same-sex dallying or not. It’s still infidelity. And the vows we take do not extend to that sort of worseness.
But all of that aside. It is my feeling that this situation has been destructive for a very long time. The infidelity is the least of the problems. True, couples stay together for the sake of the children and/or for the sake of their own battle with the way they were raised to stay married. But when infidelity rears its ugly head, everyone says, “Holy shit! Something serious is wrong here!”
So it’s the controlling, blaming aspect that has been allowed to run rampant in this relationship that I see as the real issue. And the illness that the children are being exposed to is a much greater evil than any amount of separation could ever inflict.
Just ask my kids. The divorce destroyed them. But we all came out of it in the light. That dark place is nowhere for healthy things to grow. And my kids wouldn’t have it any other way now.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Man… Is A Giddy Thing
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 14th, 2009
As for hanging on too long, these lyrics describe that exactly:
I saw my life this morning
Lying at the bottom of a drawer
All this stuff I’m saving
God knows what this junk is for
And whatever I believed in
This is all I have to show
What the hell were all reasons
For holding on for such dear life
Here’s where I let go
I’m not running
I’m not hiding
I’m not reaching
I’m just resting in the arms of the great wide open
Gonna pull my soul in
And I’m almost home
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Man… Is A Giddy Thing
Comment by MindyMom
| January 14th, 2009
Dad’s readers are so great! Yes, I do realize now that I am better off without a husband that could be so easily manipulated to choose to believe someone with ulterior motives over his wife of 12 years. Deciding to serve his ego and split up two marriages and the lives of five kids (2 hers, 3 mine)for “love” is just selfish. and cowardly. As Dr. Leah said, “I deserved better than the best of what he had to offer.”
The former friend (now his wife) is an entirely different story.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Saying Goodbye
Comment by Rob in Victoria
| January 14th, 2009
Long-time reader, first time poster… I think.
I’m not in a position, at the moment, to answer your questions, but I wanted to go back to a point you raised: “no man wants to lose his wife to a woman”.
I don’t think I agree. It’s an ego-driven response, I think, but if it were to come down to that (and I’ve given it a lot of thought, certain circumstances being what they are), I think I’d have a lot easier time “losing” my wife to a woman than to another man. With a woman, it would be less a matter of feeling judged and found wanting, or feeling that I’m inferior to a man that she has chosen over me. Circumstances would be truly out of my control.
Rob in Victoria´s last blog post..Surprise in the mailbox
Comment by caren
| January 14th, 2009
my marriage might have survived an affair, but when i discovered that my husband has a life-long problem with sociopathic lying, when i realized that any intelligent person would not trust this man, that to do so would lead me down a path to depression and self-doubt, that staying with him would be emotionally debilitating, i had to leave and not look back. it’s sad as hell, but (to rephrase an old saying) “ain’t nobody sane if momma’s not sane!”
Comment by dadshouse
| January 14th, 2009
Attaining Me – your comment is what I was trying to hit on with my Hey Ann Coulter, It’s Evolution post. I like the way you said it: their separation was the key to the rediscovery of their identity’s and the key to their individual happiness. I think both of those things are huge. Without them, even if you stay together as a family, can you really be happy? The Dalai Lama says the very purpose of life is to be happy…
Teri – I agree the controlling blaming aspect is the real destructive force here, and reason enough to leave.
Rob – that’s a good point. A woman turning to a woman to be her lover is either doing it because it’s in her genes, or because she is choosing feminine energy over masculine energy. Either way, what can you as a guy do?
Mindy, Tricia, Leah, everyone else – I think we agree it takes two willing and motivated parties to make things work. If one checks out, there’s no saving the marriage.
Still… there are situations (I’m not saying this discreet affair is one) where it seems like the couples could have tried harder. I wonder what’s the point-of-no-return line after which you know the marriage can never be fixed? I guess it’s different for everyone.
Comment by Exception
| January 14th, 2009
This is an interesting turn of events. Isn’t every situation very different for each of us and dependent upon the timing and individuals? Had she been honest with him from the beginning… if we had the perspective we have now… if we were then the person that we have become…
Comment by Lindsey
| January 14th, 2009
Everyone will have their own version of “fought at all costs for the kids”. But, really, it takes two people, one person alone can’t keep a marriage together.
I fought my ass off to “fix” my marriage. It just didn’t work, because it wasn’t supposed to. Myself, my ex-husband and my son are all better off because of it.
Lindsey´s last blog post..“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
Comment by mama llama
| January 14th, 2009
I recently had an interesting date with friends where it was stated by one that the “shock” of a woman cheating with another woman would not equate to the “shock” of a woman cheathing with a different man. Why, I asked…because penetration and becoming one was an issue with her. It was enlightening, and some believe that.
It’s like the cheating on 2nd Life that turned into the real-life divorce; even cheating among avatars is cheating, no matter the form taken. Beyond me to cast blame or judge; I am merely submitting my definition.
Now onto fighting harder: It must take two. He knew there were big problems; it was not until I came out and blatantly told him that I want to separate (two whole years ago now) that he said he would do anything. Why? He won’t do it unless I tell him to…and even then it is debatable. Last time I told him to do something (get the toilet fixed) I got a bowl of fruit thrown through the window in a tantrum (and it was January…with a broken window, BRRR!) and irreplaceables smashed. Never again will I ask him to do anything.
But everyone has their different tolerance points; my boiling point might be much lower than others. I think we know, as humans, when enough is enough. Societally, however, we have the ability to do something about it now whereas before, no matter how dysfunctional or to what cost of the children’s well-being, silence was maintained in order to upkeep an image.
Complex post, Dads. Thanks.
Be well.
mama llama´s last blog post..So, whaddya want from me?
Comment by Will
| January 14th, 2009
I have just been through this. My ex is a lesbian, and we tried for 10 years to keep it together for the kid (later kids, what was I thinking???). She left me for the 4th woman she tried to snag, a week after I buried my dad.
And I (and this person in this story) was not alone. I urge your friend to go here: http://www.straightspouse.org/ There are millions of people married to homosexuals. It CAN be made to work, but over 90% of the time, it will not. Lesbians are especially vicious.
The main things to remember are:
1. They are gay. Nothing you can do about that. It is not your fault. All of the love and devotion in the world will not fix this. Trust me.
2. You need to focus on your own needs. Your instincts will be to try and fix things, try to love your spouse, try and support them through their issues and journeys. If you are not careful, you will be used mercilessly.
3. Read this: http://tinyurl.com/9jta7u
[Ed. Note: this URL links to a book on amazon, The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families, Revised and Expanded Edition]
4. Go to the above website, join the mailing list, and ask for help. You will need it, and the people there are wonderful.
God speed. This sucks.
-Will in Austin.
Comment by Kristy
| January 14th, 2009
Ok I’m going to finally delurk in order to answer these very fine questions. My ex and I separated Dec. 27, 2002 and divorced in August of 2003. We separated largely because he had two affairs, the first with his first girlfriend who attended our wedding reception and the second with our married next door neighbor. He left me for her and they subsequently got married right away. He was re-married before we were even separated one year.
Looking back on your own marriage, now that it has ended and you’ve been on your own for a while, do you wish you had somehow figured out a way to work through all the relationship problems, support each other through difficult times, give each other the space needed to evolve and grow, learn to accept, forgive, and live from a place of compassion?
Looking back I wish I had been a better wife, but I have no regrets because regardless of what you do or don’t do you cannot control another person’s actions. I learned from my former mistakes and sometimes learning is only done by making mistakes.
Do you wish you’d fought for the marriage at all costs, for your kids’ sake?
No. I do not believe in the term “kids sake” whatsoever. I think you shouldn’t fight in front of kids for their sake but everything else involved in marriage must be for the “marriages” sake.
Or in some situations is the best option divorce?
Sometimes divorce is the “only” option. My son was 9 when we separated, nearly 10 when we divorced. He’s now 16 and he is rather well adjusted and see’s that both of his parents still continue to love him despite divorce. I do believe divorce causes harm but staying married can often cause a deeper harm when you show your child that you are accepting less for yourself. And often people who choose to stay for the kids sake begin to harbor resentment against their own kids.
Since I have been remarried now for 3 years to someone I met after our separation, and I am far far happier, I must say for me divorce was the best option. I’m about to graduate from college, a goal my ex never supported. I’ve met more personal goals and I’m just so much happier. In my happiness my son is happier.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 14th, 2009
I love that sentence ~
“In my happiness my son is happier.”
Good one, Kristy. And thanks for delurking.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by single mom seeking
| January 14th, 2009
I also love the fact that this post is getting folks to “de lurk.” Way to go Dads!
It’s a very poignant post for sure. I’ve often thought about how much time/energy/tears I put into trying to make my relationship with my ex.
Thank you Dr. Leah, for this:
“I deserved better than the best of what he had to offer.”
And, yes, Kristy, when people say, “I’m so sorry about what you went through,” I will remember your line:
““In my happiness my daughter is happier.”
Thank you!!
single mom seeking´s last blog post..Do single dads prefer to date women without kids?
Comment by krn
| January 14th, 2009
In answering your question honestly, a small part of me does wish that I would have fought harder to save our marriage, but that small part of me is being unrealistic. When one partner has decided they simply do not want to be married (to anyone) anymore, it’s over for both parties. It takes two to save a marriage.
We’re all happier now. But, once in a while a tiny part of me still finds my ex attractive. I do catch him looking at me in “that” way once in a great while. I don’t want to be with him again, but I know that attraction did hold us together for longer than it should have. I suppose, there will be a shred of physical, but only physical attraction, between us always. I can live with it and know that I’ll never act on it. This is perhaps the only instance where I feel completely confident using the word never.
Comment by Leah
| January 14th, 2009
Yikes, this is such a difficult question, but such an important one. We tried very hard for a year to save it, but in the end my ex wanted me to become another person, a person I was not capable of being without ceasing to authentically be me. I was willing to do a lot to transform the marriage dynamics but I just couldn’t change that completely to please someone else. Part of me really wishes I could have, but it was not meant to be.
I will carry that line of Kristy’s with me! Beautiful!
Leah´s last blog post..Now I’m scaring myself.
Comment by movin down the road
| January 14th, 2009
this is the case with an old friend of mine. his wife is now with her gay lover (there was an affair) and he is now dating a very heterosexual woman and they are co-parenting their three daughters. It happens, eh? If there is an affair, i would have a hard time staying put, for sure.
movin down the road´s last blog post..Comfort Food Today
Comment by DEM
| January 14th, 2009
Wow,
“Delurk” The web is full of them, me included.
What was the question? Oh yes. It is about character, boundaries, and enabling inappropriate behavior.
How many people post who are the ones in a relationship who have “acted out”? Very few. Those who act out do not give a shit about character, boundaries, and have no concept of inappropriate. At least in the moment.
The question: All costs? Anyone who has been the one who has not acted out has, I believe, is the person in the relationship who is willing to make it work at all costs. The answer to your question by those of us who have not acted out is a pathetic and self inflicting “yes”.
My long-term wife (California family law is awesome!) came to me five days after our family vacation (where we took our “family Christmas photo” and stated that she was going to have an affair with a much older, heavily cologned, SOB that she had met at the gym. She said that, because I had been such an SOB myself in our marriage and because the family was so important, I should accept this situation and soldier on. At the time I did not recognize the depth of her despair. That was a Friday and by Sunday I had agreed to the situation. Character, boundaries anyone? I agreed because I have two kids who depended on me to provide them with a stable home. Kids first, parent second. My long-term wife (who had up until her anouncement had never, ever mentioned to me that she was unhappy in our relationship) proceeded to stay out all night with this SOB. By week two she was “comfortable” enough with the situation where she invited me to go to the movies with her and her “boyfriend(?)”. WTF.
Those of you who have been acted-out on by their partners: Cut and move on. Trying to repair, sustain, or rebuild a bad marriage is a losing proposition that will only cause you pain and misery and delay the necessary personal healing and intense parenting that is absolutely necessary in the wake of the event.
I wished my ex wife happy birthday today. Two and a half years later. I am not too bitter but she is the definition of a (insert that word that is totally appropriate).
Character, boundaries, and enabling innappropriate behavior.
Try to think of the relationship between two adults and parenting relationship as two completely seperate entities. The inability to seperate the two causes a lot of problems.
Delurked!
Comment by lisaq
| January 15th, 2009
I’m a little late to the party, but no. I don’t wish I had stayed and tried to work things out because I truly believe that, in my case, my girls were better off this way. They grew up in a happy home even though it was only with one parent and they grew into beautiful, wonderful young women. If we weren’t happy, they wouldn’t have been happy. That’s one of the things I considered when I made the decision to end it.
lisaq´s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy-Grey’s Anatomy Edition
Comment by Jcubed
| January 15th, 2009
A vow is a promise. Once one partner in this agreement has broken the promise, to me, all bets are off. This does not mean that I do not feel like a shit for deciding to get myself out of a terrible relationship. Yes, we tried counseling.
Save the relationship at all costs? Is the relationship truly saved, just because you decide to stay? Is there ever any trust after an affair? (I’d have to be Mother Teresa for that degree of forgivness.)
My parents’ marrage was very turbulent. I clearly remember the fear I felt when they were home at the same time. They were so consumed with their problems, we were raising ourselves. I’m getting that sick lump in my stomach just thinking about it now, 30 years later. In my own marrage, I decided after 2 years of deliberation and counseling that it would be better for my son to have at least his mom back.
He was 7 years old at the time. His reaction? He was so angry at me, this normally affectionate little boy did not hug me for 2 years. He communicated with me in only the most perfunctory way. I stayed the course. After he learned that I was not going to try to keep him away from his Dad, he woke up. He is now 13, very engaged in our life together and his life; an A student and busy choosing a college, expanding his friend network, teaching himself guitar, learning to ski, polishing his culinary skills.
To me, this is the relationship that is worth ‘at all costs’ measures.
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| January 15th, 2009
Wow, I love Will’s comments. Sounds right on.
Leaving my abusive alcoholic husband was the best thing I could have done for myself and my child. Case closed!
Comment by Mike
| January 15th, 2009
I fought the losing battle for my marriage for years until one day I realized I was writing the blueprint for my son’s future marriage. I never wanted him to be where I was. Also I would never want him to bear the weight of I stayed miserable so you could have a happy home. Yeah that’s a good message for him.
Mike´s last blog post..Tobacco is Still King
Comment by Steve Bargelt
| January 15th, 2009
I might have a unique perspective on this discrete affair. My girlfriend is openly bisexual. She doesn’t really seek out female relationships – we’ve been dating for almost a year and as far as I know there haven’t been any girlfriends during that time. She knew I was a very open person so she was up front with me from the very beginning that she is bisexual. I am totally okay with it. I am totally and completely in love with her. She is totally and completely in love with me. I would have no problem with her having one or many girlfriends. I have the same philosophy as Rob (above) that if she does leave me for a woman there isn’t much I could do about it – I’m just the wrong gender.
So if I found purely sexy texts between her and another girl on her cell phone I’d be totally fine with it. If I found the same texts on a secret cell phone, not so much – I’d be very upset about the deception of the secret phone and secret affair. I’m not sure it would be the end of our relationship but it would not be a good thing, for sure! It is my hope and understanding that she will be upfront with me about any girlfriends she is talking to, seeing or playing with. This is simply a trust issue and has nothing to do with the gender of the other party.
The other issue is the ‘love you’ texts. If the emotional side of her relationship with her girlfriend starts to interfere with OUR relationship then it would become a problem. If she can be in love with me and her girlfriend and we are still in a very healthy, happy relationship then I would be with it. On the other hand, if we are having problems (like the couple in this post certainly is) then I would be upset despite the fact that the other party is a girl because at that point she is letting another relationship take away from our stability and happiness. Then again as my girlfriend pointed out (yes we discuss Dad’s House regularly!) girls do tend to say ‘love you’ and ‘miss you’ to each other every day even if they aren’t lovers! So the ‘love you’ texts could be innocuous?
Finally to the question of staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids: My advice is “Don’t do it!” – I stayed in a loveless marriage for 15 years (okay it was loveless for maybe the last 10?) and I don’t think there is any way a human being can be a great, loving parent when they themselves are unhappy every day of their lives. The kids will sense this and know this and grow up with a twisted sense of what adult relationships are supposed to be like.
Steve Bargelt´s last blog post..My first yoga experience!
Comment by T
| January 15th, 2009
I find reading all of these comments very interesting. I’m too overwhelmed to dive into a long drawn out response right now. But I do like hearing the differing perspectives.
I fought as long and hard as I could, personally, in my own marriage. Until I realized I had to be a mom for my kids instead of trying to convince my husband to love me. That was my breaking point.
T´s last blog post..That restless feeling again
Comment by D
| January 15th, 2009
We have three children and I did fight long and hard to save the marriage but in the end I walked away. You can’t fight to save a marriage by yourself, it takes two to make it work. This is not the life I had planned for my children and it is tough being a single mom but this is a much happier, more relaxed home without all the constant underlying stress that existed when I was married.
Comment by Prayingforyou
| January 16th, 2009
Marriage is always worth the fight, an affair is sin whether it’s with a woman and a woman or a woman and a man…
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 17th, 2009
And the wages of sin is death, right?
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Hanna
| January 17th, 2009
I fought the way my mom fought to keep an unhappy couple together. When I was a kid, I used to WANT my parents to get divorced, so I wouldn’t have to listen to fighting all the time. I don’t want my daughter to feel the same way, but alas, now she will grow up and want her parents back together (apparently that’s the research).
I look back at my trying to make our relationship work, and I’m ashamed mostly. I was in denial. I didn’t have enough self esteem to see the abuse and manipulation. I should have left him a lONG time before I did, but whats the point in bemoaning the past?
Hanna´s last blog post..Julie & Ann
Comment by SDMktg
| January 19th, 2009
No regrets. I fought as hard as I could to keep my marriage together. Ironically that’s part of what drove us further apart. I kept trying to be a “better” husband for her and become the man she wanted me to be when even she didn’t know what that was. I fought with her all the way to the end because I still believed we could work out our issues. That would have meant her making changes she wasn’t willing to make and she wanted to be single. I’m pretty sure that part-time parenting was part of what she wanted too.
I only wish I had spent more time doing what made me happy and actively pursuing my own goals instead of trying to make her happy. It probably wouldn’t have changed much but at least I would have been happier. Being unappreciated and disrepected is never good for anyone’s soul. Moving forward has been very rewarding.
SDMktg´s last blog post..Inauguration Feast – Recipes for Obama Taking Office
Comment by discreet sex
| March 15th, 2009
no man wants to lose his wife to a woman but every man wants to be with another woman and his wife
discreet sex´s last blog post..love affair
Comment by Get Girl
| March 25th, 2009
This is the way things should be, get off what we are on now
Comment by Sassy
| March 30th, 2009
I would never, ever go back! My ex has continued down the same sad path he was on when we were married. He gets worse with age. Meanwhile, I have moved on and am emotionally stronger than I have ever been in my life. Feels good! No regrets.
Comment by Janet
| April 8th, 2009
I did everything I could to keep us together, to the point that I sometimes feel embarrassed about it now. But I could only do what I thought was right for me and our son (not yet born at the time), and in the end, I think it’s good that I did everything possible. I never have to look back and wonder, “What if?”
Unfortunately, it takes BOTH people wanting to work it out, and he didn’t want to make the effort. Since then, I have learned much more about him and realize now that our not being together is most certainly for the best!
Janet´s last blog post..Money Can’t Buy Me Love.
Comment by Frank Azzurro
| April 15th, 2009
these are heartbreaking – but valuable and interesting – stories and are very interesting. a healthy love life is just as important as a healthy overall family life, and two loving parents who wouldn’t dream of ever cheating on each other is unfortunately rare in this age. i feel lucky – married an entire three years this year; don’t laugh at the newbie! – that I seem to have that.
i’m going to post more of my thoughts at my own site, and reference dad’s house…the more i read this blog the more i like it, even when it’s stuff we’d all rather not deal with like the above stories.
corrupt.org/blogs/frank_azzurro/family
Comment by mark
| July 5th, 2009
just wanted to say hi, , really, , i am a single dad, two kids, girl 18 and boy 16,
I think i can identify with everything you say on this site , and sit here laughing, and nodding to myself.
I have been doin the single parent bit for nearly 4 yrs now, and up until I read these articles, I thought i was the only one thinking like this,
I now know there are 2 of us, ,lol
mark
Comment by ShrimpieDad
| October 26th, 2009
This is one that’s close to my heart. I suspected my wife was cheating on me for months, only to have her vehemently deny it, accuse me of being a jerk for not trusting her, and punishing me for doubting her. Ultimately we got divorced for a very angry, disfunctional relationship. Afterward, one of her former best friends came to me to tell me that my instincts were right: My wife had confided in her that she been cheating on me with a married man (and continues to see this man over 18 months later). To this day she denies ever having an affair, both to my face and to the child therapist we see together for our child’s own well being. Without honesty and complete disclosure, a marriage cannot last or at least, will be miserably unhappy. The cheating partner should realize that they are at fault for causing such pain in the marriage and ultimately to their children once the divorce happens. My marriage was obviously by no means perfect, but there was no abuse, no neglect, a continued active sex life until things fell apart. Some people just are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship. I was willing to do whatever it took to make the marriage better before we divorced (while not knowing that she was cheating the whole time). Once I realized that she was unwilling to work with me or the therapists we’d seen but instead wanted to just keep doing what she wanted whenever she wanted, I knew the tension wasn’t going to be good for my daughter, so I filed for divorce. To this day, even though she continues to lie about the affair, my ex is convinced that I BETRAYED HER by divorcing her. Some people just lack the ability to decipher right from wrong, that is, they convince themselves their actions are ok because it is what they want. Their selfishness overrides any feelings of concern they will hurt someone. And the wost type-are the ones who put themselves and their personal gratification before their very own children. The refuse to look at their own behaviors and blame everyone else for their unhappiness. If you’re married to one of these and can’t get any help from them to work it out, my opinion is to give your children the opportunity to live in at least one household where honesty and morals are practiced, not just discussed. They will realize the truth as they get older and will resent you for not taking care of them otherwise. By bringing children into the world, we’ve accepted the responsibility to protect them, even from their other parent. I can’t control what my ex does in front of my daughter but I can show my daughter the right way to live, how to build healthy relationships, and how to repspect others.
Comment by Travis
| November 22nd, 2009
@ShrimpieDad – Man… I think our Ex’s were related.
I was accused of abandoning my obligations to her and family. Which lead to more physical abuse, on her part… This, only after I discovered multiple affairs, her continually attempts with other men, increase in lying, and psychical and emotional abuse.
She never once admitted that she cheated, just that I was to blame for it. Even now, she will say, “we both made mistakes” Bleh, sure. In her mind, my mistake was deciding that my sanity and health were more important than falling victim to her behaviors.
Now, my children have witnessed that their mom had her new boyfriend show up the day I left. My kids have expressed frustration with being there and would rather be with me.
But here, they see a home where honesty and love reign supreme. And of course they have a very happy father.
Travis´s last blog ..Insomniacs Parental Guide to Moving Into Dangerous Neighborhoods