Father Daughter Hit the Pump
I take pride in being a loving father to my teen daughter and son. As a single dad with half-time custody, I’ve made a point to stay involved in raising them.
Over the years, I’ve watched my daughter mature from preteen girl to car-driving teen, and she’s become quite the confident, intelligent, self-assured girl (young woman). My daughter rocks! (Proud daddy moment. Sorry.)
While I’ve raised her with tons of love and nurturing care, I never treated her with princess gloves, fearing that would hold her back. I’m a father who wants his daughter to kick-ass on her own strengths, rather than wait for a man to take care of her. (Note to Ann Coulter: I have nothing against men and women coupling up. Lord knows I’d love some feminine energy and regular sex in my life. I just want my daughter to know she can take care of herself.)
My ex-wife has a similar attitude – that our daughter is better off if she’s confident enough to fend for herself. (My ex is someone else who kicks ass in that department.)
This means now that my daughter is driving, she doesn’t turn to mom or dad for gas. She’s a responsible teen who buys her own fuel at the pump. Right?
By the time I was driving as a teenage boy, I had a fast-food service-industry job that gave me money for gas, movies, and cheap dinners out with my girlfriend. I still had time to study my ass off in school and get into a good college. I never asked for hand-outs from my father or mother. (Okay, maybe in college when I was down to my last dollar, and I wanted – no, needed! – a twelve-pack of beer.)
My daughter knows this. So when we hit the gas pump in her hand-me-down truck the other day, she pulled out her gas card, pronto.
“How low is your tank?” I asked.
“It’s pretty much empty,” she said.
“And how much money is on your gas card?”
“Six dollars.”
That would buys her a few gallons. Sheesh. She’s got plenty of time in life to learn to be self-reliant. I filled her tank on my credit card.
Sometimes a father’s daughter really is daddy’s little girl.
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Comment by debra
| January 20th, 2009
Sounds like you have raised (and are still raising) a daughter who will most certainly be self reliant, but, possibly as important, a woman who will appreciate the kindnesses done her by others. Because she was not brought up treated like a princess, feeling like she was owed all she was given, I would bet that she was genuinely appreciative of the tank of gas you bought her. I worry about friends’ daughters today….I fear an army of women that my son is someday going to have to cater to because they were such spoiled princesses as children.
Comment by MindyMom
| January 20th, 2009
Aw, what a sweet moment. I’m sure your daughter appreciated it. It’s nice when we can surprise our kids with a little gesture like that. Not all kids expect it or feel entitled to it – at least not all the time.
Debra, as a single mom raising four daughters, I can assure you; none of them are being raised as spoiled princesses. I hope you are teaching your son to respect women as much as I am trying to teach my daughters to respect themselves.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Sex with the Ex
Comment by debra
| January 20th, 2009
MindyMom – my comment was a bit exagerated, the princess craze is all the rage with the preschoolers/kindergarteners among my friends and it has been a topic of playground conversation lately, how to be less indulgent of our children, in general, but the princesses in particular. My point of reference is very different from your reality too, my friends are blessed to be stay at home moms, which, I suppose, contributes to the indulgences in some instances, as compared to my life as a single mother, like you. In an odd way, I hope that being raised primarily by a single mother will lead to our children having a special appreciation and respect for themselves and others, because in a lot of instances, they have different challenges to adapt to that I think can make them very strong people. I meant no offense and should not have generalized like that.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 20th, 2009
And she always will be.
(Important point: She didn’t ask you to fill her tank, you offered, right?)
My daughter was not raised at all to be a spoiled princess. But yes, my boys have run into some downright asinine women. I don’t think times have changed. A good woman is still hard to find. There is nothing new under the sun.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Kat Wilder
| January 20th, 2009
The odd thing for young men nowadays is that women their age — 20s, 30s — are often doing so well by themselves that they aren’t as interested in marriage as some of the men. I’ve heard that from quite a few men. The women see marriage as limiting them instead of expanding them. (and I just saw “Revolutionary Road” so I am full of thoughts on love, men and women, and marriage; yikes!).
We women may not be princesses anymore, but we’ve become our own fairy godmothers. But … where does that leave men? Slaying dragons forever?
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Girl-on-girl, hot; guy-on-guy, not?
Comment by Wendy
| January 20th, 2009
“(Proud daddy moment. Sorry.)”
No sorries…shout it from the rooftops!!
Wendy´s last blog post..…He Would Come
Comment by The Exception
| January 20th, 2009
Awww… She may be self confident and able to do it all herself, but… she is always going to be your little girl.
Comment by Dr. Leah www.singlemommyhood.com
| January 20th, 2009
“I’ve made a point to stay involved in raising them.” . . .
That’s a choice? To me, it’s a moral imperative.
Single moms and single dads . . .dads typically express raising their kids as a choice; moms as their privilege, but one not always sought as a sole responsibility.
Dr. Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post..Valentine’s Day party giveaway contest!
Comment by dadshouse
| January 20th, 2009
Dr. Leah – moral imperative? Sorry, that sounds a little preachy. Yes, I’ve chosen to stay involved in my kids’ lives. There are plenty of single moms around here whose exes didn’t make that same choice.
Likewise, my ex-wife has chosen to stay inlved in our kids’ lives. She could have just as easily traipsed off to Morocco or wherever people go to hide these days. Both of us chose to stay involved.
We all make choices in life. If some choose to have their lives ruled by moral imperatives, then that’s their choice.
Would privelege have been a better word? Sure. Any Dad’s House reader knows I adore my kids and am happy and grateful that I have the privelege of staying in their lives.
Mincing words is dangerous sport… Please don’t project different meaning onto what I said.
Teri – my daughter did not ask me to pay. She had her $6 gas card ready. I offered.
Kat – if a man slays a dragon and there’s no woman there to watch… oh, never mind
Comment by T
| January 20th, 2009
Yeah, I did that to my dad too. I didn’t turn out so bad… :)
Should
T´s last blog post..Let it be
Comment by T
| January 20th, 2009
Oops! Sorry.. trying to say …
SHOUT it from the highest rooftops, as Wendy said above, that you have raised an amazing young woman!
*distracted by Aretha Franklin’s singing My Country Tis of Thee… wow*
T´s last blog post..Let it be
Comment by Laura
| January 20th, 2009
At least she is trying!
I started waitressing in my aunts restaurant when I was 12 – so learnt what it was like to have my own money! So when I got a car – I had to full it!
But even now, at 30, my mom fulls it sometimes!
Laura´s last blog post..No regrets
Comment by QTMama
| January 20th, 2009
This made me smile DH, and want to hug the shit out of you.
QTMama´s last blog post..I Live, I Date, I Learn
Comment by katherine.
| January 20th, 2009
I followed my parents’ example with my kids. They had (required) part time jobs and an allowance that provided funds for extras. But we didn’t consider gasoline an extra.
They had more “home chores” than most of their friends did…and accountably was mandated…they weren’t spoiled by any stretch…but I consider gasoline the same as food…a necessity.
They drove themselves to school and sporting events…which I would have had to do if they weren’t driving. It was literally impossible to walk to school…and there is no bus service in the mountains. The oldest two took over shuttle service for the younger ones previously provided by yours truly.
Not to take away from your Daddy pride…she seeems like a true gem…
katherine.´s last blog post..red and the pledge….
Comment by Dr. Leah www.singlemommyhood.com
| January 20th, 2009
DH: Sorry to have grazed a sore spot.
Dr. Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post..Valentine’s Day party giveaway contest!
Comment by dadshouse
| January 20th, 2009
Comments that create unnecessary categorizations, divisions, and stereotypes between men and women, or moms and dads, touch a sort spot, indeed.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 20th, 2009
Dr. Leah touches on an interesting point. When I was young, people would mention to me how lucky I was that I had such loving and caring parents. Honest to god, my response would be, “Isn’t that their job?”
As I got older, I realized that loving your children and being involved in their lives is a choice. There are many, many, many parents who do not choose to love their children rightly. This is not a natural imperative. Except in the sense that your morality is a choice.
So we should never take for granted that someone loves us. They don’t have to.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon
| January 20th, 2009
Timely post, dadshouse. Sounds like you’ve done right in raising your daughter to be confident and self-sufficient, including financially. But I also think kids need to have a safe haven in their parents as well, and that extends to finances at times. Filling up her tank is a caring gesture and reaffirms in her mind that you are, ultimately, her protector, in whatever capacity. That doesn’t undo the values you’ve instilled in her as a parent.
I actually blogged last week on the question of children and the current financial crisis, and had two readers suggest that kids should learn to fend for themselves. I agree, but also think part of parenting is shouldering some burdens that children shouldn’t necessarily need to carry, primarily younger children. The fact that your daughter appreciates your gesture and understands the love and nurturing behind it is a testament to your ability to balance these things. I commend you, and appreciate your sharing the story.
Jorge Fitz-Gibbon´s last blog post..Eye-popping summer camp price increases
Comment by Lance
| January 20th, 2009
@Cathouse: Very well said. Loving ANYONE is definitely a choice you make, whether you like it or not.
Lance´s last blog post..Is Sex a Distraction or Should We All Just Get Laid?
Comment by Lance
| January 20th, 2009
Also, DH, does your daughter have a job? I probably missed that in an earlier post. Wondering how she WOULD pay for gas on her own.
Lance´s last blog post..Is Sex a Distraction or Should We All Just Get Laid?
Comment by dadshouse
| January 20th, 2009
My daughter occasionally refs soccer for pay, and earns money through babysitting and chores. She’s eyeing a gig at the local Peet’s if she can find time between her AP courses and sports.
Comment by D
| January 21st, 2009
DH I wish my ex had your point of view. We have three daughters and he is doing his best to raise them to be helpless and it makes me crazy. I am doing everything I can to teach them that they are clever, self-sufficent and capable of anything and I just hope and pray this lesson sticks. And Bravo to you