Trading a Can of Whoop-Ass for Compassion
The other day I read a comment by a woman on a blog that touched a nerve. She essentially said that many men think with their “little heads” (yeah, those heads) and can’t distinguish between honest communication and a roll in the hay.
As Dad’s House readers may guess, it pissed me off.
Forget the polite use of “many” (I’m not sure who could make that quantification with any sanity or certainty), but a nerve was touched in me. I felt that once again, men were under attack. Just like when blogging single moms say “men suck”, “men are lazy”, “men are idiots”, “men are monsters”. It bugged me.
I responded to this new affront in typical Dad’s House style – I opened a can of whoop-ass in the form of an 800-word blog post defending men. I scheduled the post for 4am publication, then went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night I awoke, feeling differently.
Maybe it was Mama Dharma’s post about feeling compassion rather than anger toward her ex, and how forgiveness flipped rage into understanding. Whatever – I realized I didn’t want to put more dis-ease into the universe. I genuinely feel sad for any women who were so negatively touched by some man, sometime in their life – whether physically, mentally, or emotionally – that they now sometimes take subtle or direct verbal jabs at men. (I’m not saying this commentor did that, though it’s possible they might have.)
I removed my angry rant of a post, went back to sleep, and woke up to a blank screen this morning. And here I write.
As one of the few men who blogs in a female-dominated corner of the blogosphere (check how many single mom vs. single dad bloggers have chosen to be listed at the Facebook Single Parents Connection Group) – let me just say, it can be positively exhausting. You have no idea how many little slips of the tongue women make and laugh off that can be perceived as demeaning toward men. Or how many times a blogging man offers advice, only to see it ignored until a woman says the same thing. (If you don’t want a man’s perspective, why on earth do you read this blog? Or maybe you just don’t “trust” a man’s perspective…)
I understand all this goes with the territory. There are single mothers who were treated poorly by the man in their life, either when they were together, or simply because he left. And some of these single moms might still be harboring anger, resentment, disappointment, lost hopes, distrust. Believe me, I know the feeling, at least a bit. My own divorce was amicable, but I still sometimes associate painful feelings with the separation.
Perhaps the exhausting part for me in the single parent blogosphere is that I do often take offense when some single moms go off on men. We men aren’t all lazy, stupid, clueless, sex-addicted idiots (at least not all the time). We’re feeling, thinking, desiring, hoping, dreaming, emoting humans, just like you. (Except that we probably don’t process emotions as quickly and smoothly as women. But I hate to generalize.) If you’re rolling your eyes because your ex showed none of these traits, then perhaps you’re simply feeding your pain-body in a steady-state, same as I was doing. We all can choose to react differently.
Peace. Joy. Gratitude.
Now then, wouldn’t a can of whoop-ass have been so much more fun to read?
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Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 21st, 2009
Whoop-ass belongs in the bedroom. ;)
It is hard not to take offense when generalizations are tossed carelessly about. I agree that women and men both have become accustomed to the “accepted” snide remarks made against the sexes.
I got a kick out of it when we were visiting friends the other day and one of the women made the usual, “WHAT would men do without women??” comment. My guy laughed and said, “Whatever we want?” This pissed her off. But all she could muster in response was, “Whatever.”
It would be best for all of us to take care in really thinking about what we say. This all brings to mind a little bit of advice from Demetri Martin:
~There’s a saying that goes “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Okay. How about “Nobody should throw stones.” That’s crappy behavior. My policy is: “No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.” Don’t do it. There is one exception though. If you’re trapped in a glass house, and you have a stone, then throw it. What are you, an idiot? So maybe it’s “Only people in glass houses should throw stones, provided they are trapped in the house with a stone.” It’s a little longer, but yeah.~
Hee hee.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Wondermom
| January 21st, 2009
OK, maybe I shouldn’t respond to this considering the post of mine that is linked below!
I just wanted to say that I think you’re a great guy and I wish you would open a can of whoop-ass on some of your fellow y-chromosome-carriers. I know that not all men are deadbeats, jerks, cheaters, whatever but sadly in this little corner of the blogosphere, there are quite a few. Frankly, I don’t even consider those men…they’re usually “men” in my book. Real men take care of their families (even as a single dad, you’re still participating in your children’s lives and living up to your responsibilities), treat their fellow human beings with respect, etc. When I read about so many of the exes in this little community, I think it’s a disgrace to call them men because they’re not.
Anyway, I see your point and it is well taken. I will be more careful about making generalizations in the future. The last thing I want to offend or further alienate the fathers out there who are making an effort.
Now about that whoop-ass for the ones who aren’t…
;)
Wondermom´s last blog post.."Men" are stupid!
Comment by Laura
| January 21st, 2009
I agree with you!
My ex hasnt made me hate men – he has made me angry and bitter at him! He does not control all the other billions of men in the world!
So yes while I often do make general statements about the opposite sex they are often not meant with malice and usually based on my experiences with all the men I have been with!
Laura´s last blog post..Blogging and dating…dating a blogger
Comment by SingleParentDad
| January 21st, 2009
One of the best generalisation rebuttals I have ever witnessed was on this topic. I was on a short ski trip, with some people I didn’t know that well, one of the girls said that all the good men were married. And I was about to give her the proverbial double barrels, but one of my still married chums beat me to it.
“I’ve not always been married, was I an idiot before?”
He then went on in great detail to explain that her statement was quite ridiculous, and eventually got her to agree, basically that her series of bad choices and experiences were not enough to quantify her musings.
Good night that.
SingleParentDad´s last blog post..Only If You Say Please
Comment by MindyMom
| January 21st, 2009
Hey Dads, I could see your frustation in your response to the above mentioned comment on my blog. I added my two cents to that correspondence last night and guess you haven’t seen it. Here is what I wrote:
Men such as yourself are taking the hit for the other guys that actually deserve it. In the single parent blogosphere you are outnumbered by women, all of whom have exes and a lot of those exes are dirtbags. Generalizations happen but you do represent a minority of your gender. Good guys ARE hard to find!
In real life women face some very frustrating stereotypes; we’re all “bitches”, “psycho bitches”, “nags” or “hoes”; you get my point.
Take it with a grain of salt and continue to show us all that exceptions do exist. ;)
MindyMom´s last blog post..Breaking "The Code"
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 21st, 2009
SingleParentDad’s story reminded me of how often people say such silly things. “All the good men are taken,” or “She must not be single, she’s too good looking.” What the hell? No matter how good looking or “good” someone is, they are not ALWAYS taken. It’s an idiotic concept, at best. And should not be thought, let alone spoken out loud!
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Dr. Leah www.singlemommyhood.com
| January 21st, 2009
Of course, DH is referring to a comment I made far too flippantly about men and “southern brains”. I am truly sorry that this off handed comment caused DH distress. A quick read of any of his posts leaves no doubt that he is a sensitive, caring man greatly devoted to his children.
As I just said, this comment certainly wasn’t directed at DH but neither does it reflect my undisclosed issues with men.
It must be tough to be one of the few male voices in this corner of the blogosphere.
Again, my sincere apologies to DH and all the fine men who reassure us every day that “good guys” not only exist, but are fairly plentiful.
Comment by debra
| January 21st, 2009
“Maybe it was Mama Dharma’s post about feeling compassion rather than anger toward her ex, and how forgiveness flipped rage into understanding. Whatever – I realized I didn’t want to put more dis-ease into the universe.” I love this! (and have been following along Mama Dharma’s journey as well, she’s an inspiration). It is an exhausting effort to open those cans of Whoop-Ass, and so much easier, once the decision is made, to find the forgiveness and compassion, than to muster the energy for hatred. Thanks for this reminder.
Comment by Lance
| January 21st, 2009
DM, where was the original comment/post? Two points from a Devil’s Advocate:
Blogs writing exists in a sea of generalizations. I think we have to embrace this fact, and also accept that our blog readers are the EXCEPTIONS and not the rules. When I say that all chicks are irrational, I don’t actually mean 100% of women. Just the women I seem to date! Anyway, you get the picture. Bottom line for me as a blogger, I’m perfectly okay with generalization and interpreting the info through my own lens. My advice for any reader or commenter is to not be a pedantist. Rather, respond with a perspective based on your own experience.
My second point is men DO think with their peckers a lot, generally speaking. I mean, c’mon, nothing new there. I’d be a bloody liar if I said I didn’t.
Lance´s last blog post..Is Sex a Distraction or Should We All Just Get Laid?
Comment by Jim Everson
| January 21st, 2009
Right on, DH.
And am I to assume that women who DO make unfounded generalizations are actually using their “big heads” when doing so? If so, then then I’m not yet convinced that the products of the big head are in any way superior to the products of the little head.
Jim Everson´s last blog post..Musing on Obama
Comment by April
| January 21st, 2009
I think it just goes to show that some women haven’t forgiven the person who has mistreated them and just continue to put blame on someone else.
Not using a can of whoop-ass shows a lot more respect for women, which you obviously have.
I have a million reasons to be angry with my ex but refuse to give him that energy.
It does seem harder as a single mom to date into new relationships because like myself are wondering if there is more to it than just another ‘hook up’!
Comment by The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma
| January 21st, 2009
I’ll admit, I’m guilty of grouping men. I have always been attracted to the loser who treats me like shit, and your right I shouldn’t assume all men are the same. It’s more of a defense mechanism than purposely being ignornant and thinking all men are the same.
The Girl You Don’t Bring Home to Momma´s last blog post..Drum Roll Please…………
Comment by The Exception
| January 21st, 2009
Well done DH – that is all there is to say – well done.
The Exception´s last blog post..How Young is Too young
Comment by krn
| January 21st, 2009
I admit that I’d love to read your “can of whoop-ass” post, Dad’s. But, this one is so heartfelt and thoughtfully written that it got me thinking.
Do you think men recognize thoughtfulness, emotional availability, generosity and compassion in one another in the same way that women recognize these traits in men? I’m not sure we do and sometimes I think that’s why some women (okay, maybe just me) aren’t able to recognize these traits early enough in the start of a relationship to keep us interested. Perhaps if we were able to see men through a slightly different lens, so to speak, we might be more successful in recognizing these qualities in potential mates? Do you have any opinions or even brotherly advice for your female readers on this topic, Dad’s?
Comment by D
| January 21st, 2009
I love this post for this is exactly why I quit hanging around with my usual crowd of women, the male bashing. My ex is a jerk and I will be the first to say it but most men aren’t and I refuse to join in on the whole sale bashathon that seem to run rampant around here. And since I left my marriage with a well defined idea of what I don’t want and will not tolerate, the men I have met since have been wonderful.
Comment by T
| January 21st, 2009
Ok, lets try this again..
I, for one, enjoy your comments on my blog. It is always nice to get a man’s perspective. For instance, your comment about the 12-hour-first-date-guy needing time to process our date was something I would not have thought about.
Another male friend who reads my blog emailed me later that day and said the exact same thing.
The thing is, you could say the same thing over and over again but until someone is ready to hear it, all they hear from you is blah, blah, blah.
Remember the expression, “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear?” Bingo.
It doesn’t matter if the teacher is male or female. It is sad that some have lost trust because they felt hurt by the opposite sex. All that we can do is show compassion, plant a seed of forgiveness and hope that it takes root.
I read here because as much as I try, I still don’t understand how men think. We seemingly speak different languages, don’t we? I love your perspective. Your posts and your comments are always helpful. But even then, we have to take one person’s perspective and generalize it.
I love this post David. I am so thrilled to see what a wonderful teacher you are.
Thank you!
T´s last blog post..One and (probably) only political post
Comment by Vinomom
| January 21st, 2009
This post sparked a variety of feelings, the least of which is not admiration, but, I have to ask, is it possible you’re being a tad over-sensitive?
While men have to deal with being generalized, and probably more so in blogosphere, surely you aren’t saying women don’t receive an equal amount, perhaps even more so in the real world?
As Mindymom said, we are “bitches, psycho-bitches, nags etc”
This stuff really doesn’t bother me, to be honest, whether I’m on the giving or receiving end. Well balanced people know a generalization when they hear one. Just because my girlfriend says Men are Idiots I don’t start wondering if she’s right. It’s just anger, frustration, whining, bitching -whatever you want to call it.
And for the record, I think women generalize other women and men generalize other men (I really need a Thesaurus for the word generalize here) I’ve called plenty of other women psycho bitches, and I’m sure sweet responsible guys like you have referred to other men as Dirt Bags or Losers.
Either way, taking the high road, (by not opening your can of whoop-ass) is a nice road to travel.
Vinomom´s last blog post..It Could Be Worse
Comment by Mike
| January 21st, 2009
Can I hear and “amen” for that beautiful rebuttal.
Mike´s last blog post..Tobacco is Still King
Comment by Leah
| January 21st, 2009
All I can say is wow, just wow. Thanks so much for the shout out, DH and I’m honored that perhaps my journey has influenced yours in some way. Also humbled by the thoughtfulness of the posters. I can so relate. The blogosphere is spontaneous and off the cuff (something we love about it, right?) but also it’s easy to slip into false generalizations borne of the hurts we have suffered. In the midst of my deepest ex-husband rage this month, my friend had to remind me to stop referring to him as an a$$hole because it solidified that image of him in my consciousness. At the time I was pissed at her for saying that, but she was right.
I’m moved here to provide my favorite quote by the B-man: “Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed.”
Leah´s last blog post..MTM comes clean…
Comment by dadshouse
| January 21st, 2009
Dear Readers – thanks for the kind thoughts.
I took the whole day off from the blogosphere – I didn’t visit anyone, and I didn’t even read comments on my own blog (until now). I simply retreated into my “cave” (if you’re familiar with Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, you’ll get that reference). The comment that spurred this post wasn’t that bad taken on its own, but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.
I simply got fed up with the seemingly pervasive attitude that some (not all, but definitely some) single moms have that men are assholes. It drives me nuts. I know a ton of women where I live who LOVE men and would NEVER use the word “asshole”, “jerk”, “clueless”, in the same sentence with any man. I know a ton of great men – loving to their kids, committed to their families, hard working, responsible, community volunteers. Maybe I’m lucky where I live. Who knows?
The whole single parent wounded mentality thing is a great defense mechanism, but in my opinion, isn’t very healthy. Thankfully, I don’t see it that often in blogs. But I do see it. Sometimes single moms even joke that they feel a need to simply say “men are assholes”, even though they don’t really mean it. Um, then why say it?
Readers here make a great point that there are men in the world who diss on women, using demeaning terms. But to tell you the truth, I don’t believe I have ever seen a single dad blog do that. Have you? So why do single moms sometimes put down men?
I reckon all of this will blow over for me with a good night’s sleep.
Comment by single mom seeking
| January 21st, 2009
Yes, there’s one single dad (no names named!) who bashed me quite harshly months ago.
We worked things out behind the scenes (by email, after I asked him why he felt such rage towards me). But I remember how much his words stung.
Thank you for this, DH.
Sweet dreams.
single mom seeking´s last blog post..When two single parents are dating each other. One dad speaks up.
Comment by dadshouse
| January 22nd, 2009
SMS – did you two know each other? I’m wondering if any single dad bloggers make demeaning generalizations about all women, like some single moms do about all men. Or some men Or many men. You get the point.
Comment by Lori
| January 22nd, 2009
I read very few blogs, but since I stumbled across yours, I’ve been a faithful reader, because you do sound like such a wonderful dad, and guy, in general.
Even though I had a horrible ex, I realize that I chose poorly. He’s the exception and not the rule. I love men, and hope to meet a wonderful one, and reading your blog is just another reminder that there are great guys out there. You changing your mind about sending out the long rant just proves it again.
Comment by Sam N
| January 22nd, 2009
I prefer whoop ass!! Men are so apologetic about being different from women. Women criticize us for so many things that make us men and then lump us into 2 general categories: Asshole-Shit-heads & Santa Clause. However, I just read a blog post about how a woman loved having her arms pinned down and taken with male gusto during a hook up! Uh… mixed messages? Let men be men please.
Sam N´s last blog post..Head of State – Fond Memories and New Beginnings
Comment by Lance
| January 22nd, 2009
You single parents get really riled up sometimes.
Lance´s last blog post..The Weekly: Gorging on Obama, The Coolest Thing Ever, Obama Mancrush, Nappy Hair, Less Fat Kids
Comment by Attainingme
| January 22nd, 2009
Interesting how easy it is forget how words and generalizations hurt. THank you for sharing this. It’s a pleasure to see how simple thoughts can affect many.
Attainingme´s last blog post..To marry
Comment by single mom seeking
| January 22nd, 2009
DH: No, I don’t know that single dad I mentioned personally. Yes, that’s why his words hurt: I felt like he was making these false, rash generalizations about me.
But we worked it out… even if his post is still live (!).
Lance’s comment is hilarious! (Although I was sure he was going to add: “You all just need to get laid.”)
single mom seeking´s last blog post..I’m a sucker for single dad movies. Are you?
Comment by dadshouse
| January 22nd, 2009
SMS – that sucks! Generalizations are the root of all blogging evil. (I don’t know if that’s really true, but I like how it sounds)
As for getting laid – I certainly need to! And that’s not my “little head” talking. It’s my entire being…
Comment by searchingwithin
| January 24th, 2009
It’s sad but we generalize all the time. Take a child who has misbehaved, for example. Many times the parent will say, you are a bad boy/girl, when what they should, and actually mean is, their behavior is bad.
When a relationship splits up, there is a grieving process, shock, shame, denial, anger, depression, acceptance. I would hate to think that these women that speak about men this way, actually believe what they are saying. I would hope that they are in the anger stage, and will learn to move on into forgiveness, rather than to hold onto the anger for dear life, as a means of protection.
~Best Wishes~
searchingwithin´s last blog post..Dare To Meet the Most Wonderful Person You Will Ever Know…Yourself
Comment by SDMktg
| January 27th, 2009
I have noticed the generalizations too, maybe even more in real life. For a long time after I first got my apartment with my kids 3-4 nights a week everywhere we went people would ask “Mom’s night out?” or something to that effect. Even when my twins were babies I’d take them out in the stroller and someone would always have to make the comment “Twins? Oh, their poor mom.” Usually while she was at lunch with friends, getting her nails done, or something else. And she has t-shirts with a few of the terms mentioned above, which she wears proudly. I just keep doing what I do…trying to be the best dad possible and ignore what others might think.
SDMktg´s last blog post..Sports Licensing and Tailgate Show Day 1