Co-Parenting – How To Deal With an Ex
I’ve been divorced for almost nine years, and in that time my ex-wife and I have made it a point to put the kids first, and try our best to get along as coparents. For the most part, it’s worked. Our kids are happy, healthy confident, social, smart, well-adjusted. (Proud papa, can you tell?) They don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. (At least not that we know of. Break out the nanny cam! Knock on wood!)
What’s the secret to our success? Respectful co-parenting.
I know, I know – it takes two to do the coparent tango. But sometimes if one party shows respect, the other reciprocates. That said, every situation is different. If an ex is bitter or physically abusive or emotionally nuts or just doesn’t want to play along, you might have to take this post with a shot of tequila and a grain of salt.
Note pads ready? Here are my basic coparenting rules:
- Do what’s in the best interest of your kids – this is California Divorce Basics 101, and a good rule of thumb for anyone to heed. You can use this coparenting notion to resolve custody disputes, property disputes, money disputes, start healthy birthday traditions, etc. (Pollyanna would be proud.)
- Don’t talk down to each other – when you interact with your ex, treat them as an equal partner. This can be hard to do, especially if there’s still some painful emotional charge between you. But as co-parents, you’re trying to raise children with both of you involved.
- Do treat the co-parenting as a business relationship – just because you’re talking to your ex about the kids doesn’t mean you have to fall in love, hop in bed, cook them dinner, lend them money, or anything else. Feel free to remove all emotion from your co-parent dealings. Treat your ex as a colleague in the business of coparenting and raising your kids.
- Don’t fight in front of the kids – they have suffered enough! Let them enjoy some peace, and revel in the stability that comes from knowing their parents are working hard as co-parents, working together in the business of child-rearing.
- Do use email – it removes emotional charge from the negotiations and debates that will necessarily arise. If an ex sends an angry, hateful, spiteful email, just delete it. You can email your coparent again later when things have cooled down.
- Don’t badmouth the other parent in front of the kids – this serves no one. The kids know you two don’t get along, or else you’d be together. Kids are smart. You’ll demonstrate a valuable life-skill to your kids if you can get along peacefully with your ex. We’ve all had to work with someone we didn’t like. Show your kids how to do it by doing it as coparents.
- Do communicate – there’s nothing worse than having one parent get all communications from schools, doctors, sports teams, etc. while the other parent is left out in the cold. Let your ex be part of your kids’ lives.
Skirmishes will happen. My ex-wife and I have two or three good blow-ups a year. When that happens, we simply go back to the basics – email communication, coparenting as a business, do what’s best for the kids. We focus on coparenting.
In nine years of divorce, it’s actually sort of worked.
Try it.
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- Marriage Advice from a Divorced Dad
- Should an Ex’s Significant Other Attend Kids Events?
- Jon and Kate Divorce – What the Future May Hold
- When a Divorced Parent Wants to Move Away
- How is Facebook Used by Single Parents?
- Great Books for Relationship and Divorce Advice
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Comment by debra
| January 27th, 2009
along with ‘don’t bad mouth the other parent,’ ‘don’t bad mouth the other parent’s spouse.’ Depending on the schedule and skills of the actual parent, the step parent can be a very important part of the co-parenting situation. Keep the lines of communication open with both of them, if possible.
Comment by Wendy
| January 27th, 2009
Okay, I might be back a few times to day to comment. This is an issue that has me emotionally charged.
Communicate, you list. My son started a new school a few weeks. I am primary custodial parent. His father, who he sees six days a month later said “You never called me and let me know how his first week went.”
Huh? This seemed like childish, control games to me.
If I want to know something and it’s info someone else has, I call and ask.
Email. That’s my thing. Takes the emotional factor out. Now, he says “I don’t like to check my email as often as you do!”
And yesterday, in court for a different issue, I find out he has son on his work insurance policy which he denied nine months ago. I have had son on Medicaid. I emailed yesterday and asked him for the insurance card so that I would not be committing Medicaid fraud in a week when I go to pick up son’s meds. Won’t do it. He won’t respond to me.
I am in a hot mess about that one. Not sure which way to proceed there.
Thanks for the timely vent.
Wendy´s last blog post..High, High…I am so High!
Comment by Dr. Leah www.singlemommyhood.com
| January 27th, 2009
If only co-parenting were just this easy …
Dr. Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post..Are you going to see Inkheart?
Comment by MindyMom
| January 27th, 2009
My shot of tequilla and salt went down great. Thanks.
All good points but unfortunately there are so many “other partys” out there that can’t or wont put the kids first or show espect and grace but in fact wish to inflict harm.
For the lucky ones, your list will work great.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Betrayal is Inevitable in Every Realtionship
Comment by Me Thinks
| January 27th, 2009
Excellent post! Yes, folks, this can work even if you have a crazy, bitter ex.
Briefly – my ex was totally unreasonable with visitation, money, everything when we first got divorced. I was patient, took the high road (okay, 95% of the time, I lost it a couple times). He worked his way up to being somewhat more reasonable. I pushed a little when I could, gave in a little when I couldn’t and now we have a pretty good working relationship. He’s still a jerk about money but my primary goal is to be good parents.
Sometimes I have to remind myself the biggest reason I wanted a divorce was so my kids would NOT grow up with parents that are arguing all the time. It can be done, you just have to be willing to be the one to work harder sometimes.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 27th, 2009
How many does it take to do the two-parenting two-step? :)
This is all good advice, but yes ~ it does take two. And since two people couldn’t very well get along enough to make a marriage work, it’s likely they can’t do it in making a divorce work either.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Wondermom
| January 27th, 2009
DH, I have to say that I love your blog and I have a lot of respect for you as a person (what I know) and as a parent.
BUT, I think you’re sometimes a little naive about some of the single parents in the world (won’t generalize and say single dads…there are women who are just as childish and destructive).
Your list is awesome and is what I strive for every day. I’m so happy that you and your ex have such a positive coparenting relationship for your kids. If my ex had been like you, we might still be married! As you said, it takes two to tango…
Now where’s my shot of tequila?
Wondermom´s last blog post..Manic Monday
Comment by Wondermom
| January 27th, 2009
OK, that came out totally wrong and now I wish I could delete it. Note to self…don’t post on a dad’s blog while dealing with a massive headache, ex on IM, and lawyer on the phone!
It is a great list…when you have two adults. Somebody pass the lime?
Wondermom´s last blog post..Manic Monday
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 27th, 2009
*Teri passes the lime* :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Laura
| January 27th, 2009
I may send this to my ex ;-p
Or maybe I will just try it from my side and hope for the best!
Laura´s last blog post..The Good Guy
Comment by katherine.
| January 27th, 2009
the list is great as others have said. But it does take both parties to dance…and after nine years you probably have the steps down…and take turns leading and following.
I note you mention that you and the kids’ mom have a couple good blowups a year…
wendy: Send your request for insurance information to your ex’s HR/Benefit department. Don’t complain about his lack of cooperation….et cetera…just a friendly, formal, business letter. Include the info about being the custodial parent, copy your attorney and his. They are required to provide you a card…even if were not the custodial parent.
katherine.´s last blog post..five oh ——> 49er forever…
Comment by krn
| January 27th, 2009
I’ll save your list for when the other parent (Dad) wants to be involved and is willing to make career sacrifices for our son. He lives in Germany now, is in D.C. one week a month and is a Disneyland dad several times a year. He could retire from the military and make a fabulous living just about anywhere (he’s got a doctorate in a highly employable field). Eventhough we were married for a couple of years when I got pregnant after a very romantic second honeymoon to Spain, eight years later he’s still not ready to be a Dad! He’s got ten years to begin to parent effectively, so I haven’t completely given up on us co-parenting later on. Goes to show that sometimes the “smart” people aren’t that smart.
Someday, he’ll likely be very sad about the choices he’s made. In the meantime, we have a great kid! Our extended family has helped me create a wonderful, full life filled with love and support for our child. They are great co-parents. It does take a village to raise a kid, afterall.
Hugs to all the single parents here who are doing the best they can, given the way things have worked out~
Comment by T
| January 27th, 2009
Well, I do agree with ya DH, but I also realize that both you and I are fortunate to have exes that are respectful and mature. It definitely does take two.
Sadly, many single parents don’t have the option to follow these rules. I DO agree however, that if one party can find a way to treat the other with respect… even if it seems like they aren’t getting respect in return…. it can create a better situation eventually. But it takes some major staying power to continue to be calm, open, and respectful when it appears that the other party doesn’t give a damn about your children or you for that matter. And most importantly, not projecting your anger at your ex into your child’s reaction of your ex. They have a different perception than you do. I would still attempt to follow these rules so that your children can see that you are being kind, even if the ex isn’t.
I still think of Mama Dharma’s compassionate act of sharing her son’s clothing and toys with her ex’s new pregnant wife. That one act changed how he communicated with her. It takes a major act of compassion and forgiveness to get there.
Miracles can happen.
But tequila does help.
:)
T´s last blog post..J always has the right tool
Comment by dadshouse
| January 27th, 2009
Wendy – as a dad who has been left out of the communication loop more than once, I often don’t know to ask for information. It is so much easier when my ex simply forwards it to me. Sometimes this doesn’t happen, and I hear through neighbors about goings on I should have been informed about, and then I ask and get what I need. My point is that communication helps foster a healthier, less toxic environment.
Dr. Leah – why so dismissive? I understand there are couples who will continue to carry their marital fighting into divorce. For them, coparenting is so far off the map, this list won’t help a bit. But for others? My ex and I have been doing these things for years, and it works. It can be this simple. I don’t pretend to think a 500 word blog post can fix every divorced couple’s problems, but perhaps it can start a new train of thought. My favorite books for divorce and relationship advice are here: http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/07/29/great-books-for-relationship-and-divorce-advice/
MeThinks – awesome. Sounds like you made the best of a not perfect situation. My ex and I decided early on to put the kids first, and try to keep our petty fights out of the co-parenting. We still have petty fights, but try not to let it affect the kids.
Wondermom – no, I’m not naive, but thank you for your concern. I’m well aware there are deadbeat dads, wife beaters, child abusers, etc. I choose to address the positive rather than the negative. For some, my list will be quickly dismissed as completely unreasonable. For others, it might help them get to a point where they can treat their ex as a colleague in the business of coparenting.
Katherine – yep, we still fight on occasion. But then we go back to this list and treat coparenting as a business, remove the emotional charge, and focus on the kids.
T – I agree! Sometimes all it takes is one party to show the other respect and compassion to turn the tables and open up lines of communication. As for miracles, they happen daily. Life is a miracle. Co-parenting doesn’t have to be blown into the realm of angels. With effort, it can work.
I know some of you think “if communication was good again, we could have stayed married!” But that requires fixes on every level of the relationship. In co-parenting, you focus on the kids, and communicate for their best interest, and let the rest slide.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 27th, 2009
Focusing on the kids. Now there’s a remedy that I would love to have bottled so I could sell it! ;)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by rdawg
| January 27th, 2009
In the few months I’ve been separated, those rules have worked fairly well for me.
Going back to last weeks post, forget the shot of tequila, whip up a pitcher of Dark and Stormy Cocktails for lunch!
Comment by Wendy
| January 27th, 2009
DH,
I am missing a connection here. I wrote about ex saying I had “never called him to let him know how his first week went.” Your response DH, included: “as a dad who has been left out of the communication loop more than once,I often don’t know how to ask for information.”
I need (would like) to hear that differently. Not getting it. I can’t connect how he would not know how to call and ask for that basic information.
It seems as simple as picking up phone, dialing 555-555-5555 and saying “Wendy, how’d his first week go? Anything to report?”
DH, my question to you is sincere, not flippant.
Also, in our situation it feels pertinent to mention that I am juggling son’s academics, homework, social, medical needs, etc for about 25 days out of the month. Dad is just responsible for the other six days. I will not take on the additional responsibilty of making sure he is in the loop. All he has to do is pick up a phone, or jot an email. I do respond. Always.
Katherine, thank you for the info. That is what I was in search of today. Off to compose the letter.
Wendy´s last blog post..High, High…I am so High!
Comment by Kristy
| January 27th, 2009
This is a great post…but I can’t even get my ex to return my phone calls, give me his new address every time he moves or produce necessary documentation without my attorney calling him. Glad it worked better for you.
Comment by dadshouse
| January 27th, 2009
Wendy – maybe I mistyped. I didn’t mean “don’t know how to ask”, I meant “don’t know to ask.” Does that make more sense? There are times when stuff is going on in the school or with activities, and if I don’t know that stuff is going on, I don’t know what specific questions to ask, or even that I need to ask.
For you – I’m wondering what email you want your ex to write. Should he send a weekly email asking you what he needs to know about? I understand you are overworked and over burdened with responsibility. But, how much of the info you don’t want to pass on is because you’re stuck with all the work (or have the privelege of being more involved), i.e. is there resentment involved? I know nothing about you, so don’t take that question personally.
Think of it like a business. If a business partner gets info, they pass it on to whoever needs to know. I don’t normally go to people at work and constantly ask “did anything important happen that I should know about?” That gets annoying, fast.
Kristy – sounds like this list is empty rhetoric for your situation. Sorry to hear that. I hope that things get better at some point. Like I wrote in the post, it does take two willing parties.
Comment by dadshouse
| January 27th, 2009
btw – if one parent prefers conversations that start with the other parent asking questions that show they care, but the other parent prefers just sending factual information when it’s appropriate, then that’s a huge difference in communication style. Is it a Mars/Venus thing? I don’t know.
Comment by Susan
| January 27th, 2009
I would agree that putting kids first is the key to a good co-parenting relationship. And, I would also emphasize that it’s important to look at it more like a business relationship. No, you don’t have to like the person, but you do have to find a way to work together and accomplish a goal. Maybe that means contacting the other person only by email to avoid getting caught in an emotional trap; maybe it means you contact the other person only on your drop-off/pick-up days (unless there is an emergency), rather than a continual “checking in”; and it probably means you’ll have to be creative in dealing with the reality of the situation.
I do enjoy a good co-parenting relationship with my ex, and I realize I’m lucky. My hats off to those who are doing it on their own.
Susan´s last blog post..A few words for Ann Coulter
Comment by Me Thinks
| January 27th, 2009
DM – I cannot agree with you more when you say sometimes all it takes is one party to show compassion. In my particular situation, the tables turned when my ex’s ex-GF/friend committed suicide and he found the body. I was the only person he felt like he could call to talk about it. That was after being treated REALLY badly by him for nearly a year and some pretty petty behavior and poor parenting on his part.
Sadly it was a death that got him to open up to a reasonable level of communication but the point is it did. He changed. And he thanked me (a little) for maintaining a respectful relationship and doing a great job of raising our kids pretty much on my own. Up until then he had them maybe a total of 20 hours a month! Now we have worked up to where he has them about 30% of the time and he loves it.
So… yes, not everyone’s situation will or can end well. But that is no reason to not make a point of being the one who is “bigger” and doing things right when they are in your control. I knew even when he was a jerk that one day my kids would understand and appreciate the efforts I made, and they were 3 and 5 at the time.
Comment by Mike
| January 27th, 2009
I have to admit things are better between my ex and I since we switched to texting.
Comment by Wendy
| January 27th, 2009
I think I would just prefer he ask questions to show he is interested than saying he didn’t know how son’s first week of school went because I didn’t call him and tell him.
We are all responsible for getting our own needs met. (adults anyhow).
Thanks for clarifying.
Wendy´s last blog post..High, High…I am so High!
Comment by Exception
| January 27th, 2009
It sounds as if you and your former spouse work very hard to make co-parenting a success. Sometimes I have to wonder if much of the issue is not just hurt feeling and old habits dying hard, but expectations. To do it to the best of the abilities of both involved, expectations have to be minimized, forgotten, or at least realistic. I would think that communication is key!
Exception´s last blog post..The Mobile Device Blues
Comment by dadshouse
| January 27th, 2009
Wendy – you just said “we’re all responsible for getting our own needs met.” It sounds like one of your needs is to have a partner who shows he is interested in you and your kids. That’s great. But it also seems clear you won’t get that from your ex, so why keep trying? Maybe if that need was met elsewhere, or at least not attached to your ex, you wouldn’t mind giving your ex the info he needs to coparent. Just because a man doesn’t inquire daily or weekly doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. I don’t call my kids every day they are at their moms, but I care about them a lot, and they know I’m here if they need me.
Mike – texting and email are great ways to remove the emotional charge, aren’t they? When my ex and I have a big fight, we immediately resort to email, and it’s all coparenting business with no emotion. That helps us a lot.
Susan – oh, I love hearing from other divorced parents who are successful coparents. It really can work. I agree, each situation is differnt. But keeping is a business relationship certainly helps.
Me Thinks – wow, that’s a powerful story. I admit I went through a very rough emotional/spiritual patch after my divorce. When I bottomed out completely, my ex was there for me, at least enough for me to get my shit back together. We didn’t necessarily grow closer from that, but it removed some of the blockages. There was a new level of respect for each other as individauls who have weaknesses and can falter.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 27th, 2009
Things are better between my ex and me since we stopped speaking.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by justrun
| January 27th, 2009
I think, no, I KNOW that you’re probably the exception. It’d be nice if more single parents could see past themselves enough to do what’s best for their kids.
justrun´s last blog post..Warning: Real feelings inside
Comment by SDMktg
| January 27th, 2009
CT is cracking me up right now. Text and email are about all I can handle. It’s great for scheduling and keeping track of the kids’ activities. You can also go back so there’s no “you never told me about…” Even if there’s a discussion on the phone one of us puts it in writing as a back up so no one forgets.
I try to follow all of those rules and then some. My kids have every right to love their mom and they are entitled to whatever relationship she chooses to have with them without my interference. I put them first whenever I can and sometimes it does mean giving in. My ex wants to be friends but our values are so different I’d rather just be coparents. It isn’t easy but it’s worth it. I see that every day in their faces. And they know who does what without anyone keeping track for them.
SDMktg´s last blog post..Sports Licensing and Tailgate Show Day 1
Comment by Kat Wilder
| January 28th, 2009
Gotta agree with the e-mailers, Dads.
I prefer e-mail because sometimes neither of us remember what the other one said or agreed to. Sometimes, I need a record !
But everything else you say is spot on. The only ones who get hurt if former spouses battle are the kids. If you’re still fighting, please, get over it!
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Does this relationship make me look fat?
Comment by Mike
| January 28th, 2009
Yes it is DH. I really hadn’t realized why things had improved until your post.
Mike´s last blog post..Capt. Subtext & his Girls
Comment by ilinap
| January 28th, 2009
Gosh, I hope to never have to try this. I’m a child of a divorce that didn’t go so smoothly.
ilinap´s last blog post..Sitting on the Edge of History
Comment by dadshouse
| January 29th, 2009
Seems this post touched some nerves, based on emails I’ve received. I’m told I came across as condescending with this comment I made: “we’re all responsible for getting our own needs met.” It sounds like one of your needs is to have a partner who shows he is interested in you and your kids. That’s great. But it also seems clear you won’t get that from your ex, so why keep trying? Maybe if that need was met elsewhere…
Please know I didn’t intend to put anyone down with that remark. I actually apply that comment to myself all the time – if I find myself trying to get my ex-wife to act a certain way, and she doesn’t want to act that way, then 1) maybe I should quit trying, and 2) maybe there’s a need of mine that’s not being fulfilled, and which I could have fulfilled elsewhere.
That seems like sound advice to me, and promotes self awareness. If anyone found offense in my remark, I apologize.
Comment by Jen
| January 29th, 2009
These basics are everywhere. Every book and article I read contains these basics. I apply them the best I can but what happens when you try and try to keep dad informed and he refuses to reciprocate because he lives by the belief that we have separate homes therefore information regarding little man should not be shared. I wish dad would step it up a bit and work with me not against me. I can say he’s testing my strength and patience at times but I keep trying and hoping one day it will get easier. I found that once you put the past behind you its easier to focus on what’s best for your child.
I have to wonder though if arguments and bitterness stem from unresolved issues in the relationship making it nearly impossible to co-parent together. My question is because he moved on first – he left me, he got married and yet to this day still has the same bitterness towards me as if I am the one who ended our relationship. Decisions and comments he makes don’t always revolve around our child but are made to be vindictive towards me.
Jen´s last blog post..Bridal Fairs
Comment by Fairy Girl
| October 29th, 2009
I’ve been divorced for somewhat 5 and a 1/2 years. My ex and I are both happily re-married. Our relationship (4 of us) was always very amicable, until a month ago. I received the most self righteous and mean e-mail from the “step mother”, whom I always thought was quite a nice / decent person. I won’t go into to much detail but the e-mail was very hurtful. I did not reply and will not reply. I believe her true colors have been revealed. I have chosen to have no further communication with her unless my child is around, then I will be civil.
The only thing she said in the e-mail which is so true is that she will always be second best and in my eye’s she is no longer good enough for my beautiful child.
I am desperately trying to forgive and in time I will BUT forget NEVER !!! To much damaged has been done !!
Fairy Girl´s last blog ..No two are the same….