Texting vs Calling for a Date
I recently met a woman on craigslist. I know, I know, I’ve long said that online dating sucks. (It does.) But craigslist dating is different. The focus is on the event or experience, rather than making sure checkboxes align. I.e. instead of looking for a soul mate, you simply look for a fun date.
She was a single mom in my area, cute and athletic. I’m a single dad, smart and fit. She insisted she’d rather meet than chat forever. Fine with me! I’d love a sexy and fun date with her. But I wanted to at least talk on the phone first. I gave her my cell number, she called me, and we had great flirty chemistry.
“When are you free?” I asked.
“Not until next week,” she said.
We worked through our custody schedules and found a Thursday night that worked for both of us, and penciled each other in.
Now then – why not make actual plans on this first phone call? It’s a gut check, really. You hang up, think about it for a day or a weekend, and if you still have the urge and gumption to meet, you follow through.
The weekend came and went. I had my kids, and was busy as hell. It never entered my mind that I should call her. Come Monday, I realized we probably should have made plans already. I’m guessing there’s a dating rule that says “Don’t go out on Thursday night unless he calls the weekend before.” (Not that I care about rules, but some people do.)
I called and got voicemail. No problem, I left a message. Hi, how was your weekend, look forward to Thursday, give me a call, let’s make a plan, etc.
I didn’t hear back until the next night. She sent me a text that was somewhat vague: sure, let’s meet Thursday.
I texted right back and suggested a bar where we could meet for a late evening drink.
A few hours later (WTF! I just texted her. It takes her hours to respond?), she texted me back with her own suggestion to meet at the bar of an expensive restaurant in the early evening.
Sounds like she wants dinner, not drinks.
Truth be told, I’m now feeling nervous about the whole thing. This woman told me she got over 100 responses to her ad. She has no shortage of suitors. That she is texting me, and taking her sweet time between communications, and suggesting such an expensive place, makes me think she’s just fishing around for her best option. It wouldn’t be the first time a woman turned a simple craigslist meet and greet into an expensive meal.
And that’s the thing. This is a different woman. Maybe she really just likes the drinks at that place. Who knows? If she’d sent sexy texts, at least I’d know her intent.
Oh, how I pine for a rotary phone on my kitchen counter! No voicemail. No texting. Just conversation.
In the meantime, all I have to go on is my gut. And the advice of my readers…
- Internet dating – sadly, I’m a bit of an expert
- Craigslist Dating for Women
- Dating After Divorce
- Online Dating Expectations
- Twitter Texting By Romantic Candlelight
- Some Text Messages Deserve a Truckers Salute
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Comment by MindyMom
| January 28th, 2009
I think she’s just setting some boundaries. If a guy asked me out for late cocktails I would think he just wanted a hookup. Aren’t I worth a real date? Are you looking for a hookup or a quality relationship?
You don’t have to take her to dinner if you don’t want to. If it were me and I was interested in you, before dinner drinks would be a great option. If it was going well it could extend into dinner. If not I could say I had to be somewhere and leave it at cocktails. You could do the same if you hadn’t already asked her for later in the evening. Oops.
Just take her where she wants to go dude. That tells her something.
MindyMom´s last blog post..The Difference a Day Can Make
Comment by Dr. Leah www.singlemommyhood.com
| January 28th, 2009
She’s meeting a stranger so she’s taking care of herself by opting for a place that’s comfortable and familiar. She prefers “nice places”. And, as MindyMom said, “setting some boundaries”. And, likely, has “a life” so doesn’t jump to answer every text message immediately.
She sounds intriguing. Of course, take her where she want to go.
Dr. Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post..Are you going to see Inkheart?
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 28th, 2009
I would meet her for drinks and then if you don’t feel like buying her dinner, beg off and say you have dinner plans with an old buddy.
My concern is that she won’t even show up for the drinks.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Me Thinks
| January 28th, 2009
Agree with the other comments. Sometimes I get a text and don’t answer for a couple hours if I’m busy with kids or other stuff. And I would be completely suspicious of anyone wanting to meet for lat-night drinks that it was merely to set up a booty call. As a woman doing the online dating thing (briefly, thank god) I was always told to pick places on your turf. If drinks go well and naturally extend to dinner, you could always suggest a less-expensive place nearby, no?
Comment by Me Thinks
| January 28th, 2009
Oh forgot, one thing to keep in mind is if she is getting all those responses and still wants to meet up, that is great – you probably made some kind of connection on the phone. She no doubt has been screening through all the freaks and is overwhelmed by it all. You probably know this but make sure you call her the day before (today?) to reconfirm. Hope we get a good BORING date story out of it :)
Comment by Laura
| January 28th, 2009
I hate that delayed response thing especially if they text and then you reply and they then take days to respond!!
I would go for the date – who knows DH anything may happen and it usually does on your dates :)
Laura´s last blog post..Questions for the boys
Comment by The Exception
| January 28th, 2009
We aren’t going to hear anything about it if it goes well!! ;)
I don’t always text back immediately either just as I don’t always answer my phone! I agree with Me Thinks though in that if she is still engaged, she finds you interesting… will she show? That is a different story but I do hope Teri is incorrect!
Good luck!
The Exception´s last blog post..It’s A Snow (or shall I say ICE) Day
Comment by dadshouse
| January 28th, 2009
No booty intentions. By late evening, I meant 8pm (weeknight, and we both have kids). She suggested 7pm at an expensive restaurant. I totally get that she should feel comfortable in her surroundings, but the most expensive restaurant in town?
Hoping some men weigh in – I know Lance agrees with me that a first blind date should NOT escalate to dinner, under any circumstances. Look what happened with T when her first date turned into a spontaneous 12 hour affair.. overwhelming.
I know you women want to be pampered, but this is Craigslist, she has 100 suitors. She could be lining up free meals for weeks.
I have to set my own boundaries, too. I’m not very good at begging off mid-date. I’d rather structure the date so that we meet for drinks at a comfortable time, then end it.
Comment by T
| January 28th, 2009
True, DH. If you have to set your own boundaries, then do!
Let her know that you’d prefer to meet elsewhere. Let her know that you’d prefer to meet later. Let her know that you’re going to grab dinner with the kids first or something so that she doesn’t expect dinner!! Communicate openly with her. If she backs out at that point, then she’s probably someone you wouldn’t want to date anyway. Remind her that this is an initial meeting.
Yes, those 12 hour first dates are overwhelming!
And I had to laugh at The Exception’s comment. If it does go well, we won’t hear anything about it. True. Because you’re a respectful guy like that, aren’t you?
Good luck David.
T´s last blog post..She is definitely my child
Comment by single mom seeking
| January 28th, 2009
As a single mom who text messages… I try to write back right away, but sometimes life with a kid does take over. So the fact that it took her “a few hours” — not a whole day — to respond isn’t a red flag, I say.
I just watched a video on dating with Evan Marc Katz — on SingleDad’s site — and he says that coffee/dinner dates for a blind date are a no-no. Just too much pressure… What do you think?
Why not take the fancy dinner out of it at first? An evening walk? Wine tasting?
single mom seeking´s last blog post..Waiting. And then her father responded.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 28th, 2009
It’s hard for me to really put myself in her place here, mainly because I don’t think that if a man suggested one place that I would suggest another (unless I was willing to give a legitimate reason). But thinking back to my dating life, I can almost assuredly say that if a man balked at meeting me because _whatever the reason_ then I would lose interest. I don’t like balkers.
Yes, she has an endless list of possible suitors. That’s what it’s like to be a woman. And yes, if you want a shot with her then you need to be able to stand out somehow. And make some show of being willing to pay the price. Which, in her book, may simply mean being willing to buy her a few drinks at her favorite place.
So perhaps what you are really struggling with is… do you want a shot with her?
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Mike
| January 28th, 2009
Guess I’m the only guy reading. Sorry ladies this sent a red flag up for me too. Maybe I’ve heard the “Single girls got to eat line” way too much. Just as was stated what a late night dates says so does where you pick. The most expensive place in town sets a tone. My suggestion to DH would be to text back saying you don’t care for the place and suggest another. See what happens. If she counters with the second most expensive place and town dump her. Also I hate the long wait replies. That’s what texting is all about, it’s quick.
Mike´s last blog post..Capt. Subtext & his Girls
Comment by dadshouse
| January 28th, 2009
I enjoy pursuing a woman, but I don’t like feeling as if I’m being lured into a trap… hence the balking.
I hear a lot of women say they want a date to be spontaneous, but they also want a man to take charge and make a plan, but then the woman wants to make the plan to set boundaries, but then she wants to be pursued, … I’m probably just jumbling up the words of different women who have different views, and confusing myself into thinking I don’t understand women at all!
It’s so much easier when I ask a woman out if I’m interested in her, and I suggest a nice place to meet for a quick drink, and we leave dinner for another time. If she already doesn’t like my choice of time or venue, then WTF? Maybe that’s a sign both of us should heed.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 28th, 2009
I think your instincts are good, David. You wind up second guessing yourself and in story after story after story you find that you should have just gone with what you thought at the first!
In my opinion, she is probably a high maintenance broad who is trying to get you to fit into her plans. And, even though a man must do this to a degree, he must not think he is to be led about by a ring in his nose.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by shirleyt
| January 28th, 2009
She told you she had over 100 suitors? That sounds like a head trip to me. I would never suggest the most expensive restaurant in town on a first date. The lack of clarity in general–expectations, plans, etc.–would drive me nuts.
Comment by MindyMom
| January 28th, 2009
I agree with Teri’s comments. Also I would never suggest the most expensive place in town for a first meeting. Not a message I want to send and clearly not one any guy wants to receive. I think you have very different comfort levels already. Not a good sign.
But why do men think women are out for a meal? I can’t imagine setting up a date just to get a dinner out of it. Nor would I want to commit to a whole meal with someone I don’t know. Maybe it is just drinks and she has no intention of having dinner. What about appetizers in the bar? Maybe she knows someone that works there and feels safe meeting a stranger there.
And I would still shy away from 8:00 drinks for a first meeting. Any nice girl would.
MindyMom´s last blog post..The Difference a Day Can Make
Comment by SDMktg
| January 28th, 2009
Waiting several hours between texts means she’s either busy with her own kids or she’s on a date with someone else, on the phone with girlfriends, doing something else…
Drinks can’t hurt. If she tries to press it into dinner you can suggest going somewhere else or eating in the bar. At least she got back to you. A lot of times those indefinite “lets go out Thursday” situations end up with total radio silence. No answer on the phone, no response to text or email or anything like they dropped off the face of the earth.
SDMktg´s last blog post..Sports Licensing & Tailgate Show – ROK with Nokona and DMC
Comment by Honey
| January 28th, 2009
Well, if you think she’s trying to bilk you, then text her back and say, “sounds great – first round’s on you!” Then see if she suggests something else :-)
Honey´s last blog post..My Boyfriend’s Mother
Comment by ditz
| January 28th, 2009
Another idea, move the time up to 5 pm, same place, tell you you have dinner plans with a buddy already at a different restaurant. If its going really well, your ‘buddy’ texts you with a cancellation. If its not going well, your ‘buddy’ wonders where you are. A bit of theatrics, but she is not playing fair.
Comment by debra
| January 28th, 2009
Is it possible, perhaps, that we’re all overthinking this? Maybe it is just as simple as 1)she knows someone there and feels comfortable meeting a stranger there, and 2)has an early morning on Friday and wanted to leave herself the option of spending time with you, but starting a bit earlier to not have such a late night if the conversation went well? I have to agree with MindyMom, I can’t see trying to trick someone into going to dinner. But maybe that’s just me, I figure I will have dinner one way or the other, no need for games. I say, give her the benefit of the doubt, and try to push away the assumptions that she is going to be a gold digging, high maintenance woman, until after you’ve met her.
Comment by dadshouse
| January 28th, 2009
Ok, I talked to her. Seems she’s double booked with a family engagement… We are now meeting earlier, so she can get to her family thing after.
As for gold diggers – I don’t assume she’s one, but gold diggers and dinner whores definitely exist in Silicon Valley. I know from experience, and keep my guard loosely up… http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/03/31/confessions-of-a-serial-online-dater-part-1/
Like The Exception said, if the date goes good, you probably won’t hear about it! (Sorry)
Comment by Sugee
| January 28th, 2009
This is going to sound wrong and snotty ’cause I am bad at tact. Okay so why you gettin’ all uppity and strange about conversation and pickity pick about when she calls back and how long she takes to text and how many “suitors” she has, when u said in the beginning of the post that it’s all for a fun date and not a soul mate? Such things shouldn’t weigh in heavily yet or throw red flags just yet … Will await Thursday’s post!
Comment by cyndi
| January 28th, 2009
I think you’re reading way too much into things. I personally don’t tie myself to my phone. Sometimes it’s days before I even notice if I have a new text message. It’s certainly often hours before I can get to it on my busiest days. My assumption, based on how my life is these days, is that she’s just living hers.
Go out and have fun and if anything comes of it, fine. If not, hey, we can’t all be perfect for everyone.
Comment by krn
| January 28th, 2009
I agree that you may be over thinking this, DH. One hour is a perfectly reasonable ajustment to make between two busy people’s schedules. As for the choice of bar, there are many possible reasons why she wanted to meet there. Ask her when you get there if it’s a favorite place of hers and perhaps she’ll tell you what prompted into her decision.
Have fun. It sounds much nicer than a coffee date.
Comment by dadshouse
| January 28th, 2009
Sugee – I get what you’re saying. On the other hand, if it’s just a fun night for drinks, why the most expensive place in town right at the dinner hour…?
btw – I owe you a chicken and dumplings recipe… maybe tomorrow… I didn’t forget!
Comment by Amy
| January 28th, 2009
“Dinner Whore” What? That is totally new for me! There’s gotta be a better way to get a free dinner!
Man, I really do miss rotary phones. And actual letters I can hold in my hands – with actual handwriting!
Amy´s last blog post..Journal 122: January 2009 I Haven’t Said Anything About This In A Long Time
Comment by Lori
| January 28th, 2009
If a man suggested a place and time for drinks, and the time wouldn’t work, I’d suggest an earlier time. Not a different time and more expensive place. I’d be suspicious of that also.
Now, as for the changing the time again to much earlier, b/c of a family thing, I’d say she’s date stacking. With that many responses, she’d have to be, to fit in all of the potential suitors.
But she seems interested in you, and maybe you’ll hit it off.
Makes me wish I was in the big city again, where you can get that many responses to an ad.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 29th, 2009
I just think she sucks. And not in the good way. ;)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Lance
| January 29th, 2009
I prefer to make the plan on the first 1-2 dates for exactly this reason, I’ve got control of the situation and there are no surprises, like unexpected $100+ dinners. I think it’s your job to call the shots in the beginning. Call back and suggest somewhere else and give a reason, like you’re running errands beforehand and in another area, or something. Or you can just say you’d prefer a more casual setting for 1-2 drinks, nothing fancy. If she doesn’t bite, then you know you’ve got a golddigger.
Lance´s last blog post..Filthy Butt Sex On New Years Eve
Comment by dadshouse
| January 29th, 2009
She just flaked on the date! She told me by texting me, of course. This after changing the time and venue. She mentioned rescheduling at some point… ha
Comment by ditz
| January 29th, 2009
Aww, bummer Dad! I was looking forward to the post-mortem on this one.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| January 29th, 2009
Yep. Sucks. Leave her in the dust, dude. :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Zeus
| January 29th, 2009
I saw your post and was gonna reply to NOT go, but now you don’t have to worry. I have very few rules, but if you have to spend more than $40 on a “meet for the first time” date, you are headed down the wrong road.
If you have to try real hard to impress someone from the start, the expectations only increase from there. You know the movie “The Money Pit”? Yeah, women can be like that too. If she would have offered to pay, you would have known her intentions were good. Then, you could have went “dutch” or you could have paid knowing that she understood that it was an expensive place but she was willing to put her own money up to find someone.
I have went out on dates with very attractive women and never once had to spend over $40 on the first date. Later, when I know we have a chance to go somewhere beyond just meeting, I’ll take her for a night on the town.
Take the money and go out tonight. Thursday is a big “singles” night and with less money than you were going to spend on her, you can have a nice conversation with a very cute, unassuming lady that will also be out looking to meet up with a guy.
This is exactly why it is better to meet women in person instead of online.
Comment by krn
| January 29th, 2009
She flaked? After making a special request? That’s very rude. Sorry to hear about that, Dad’s.
Comment by Lori
| January 29th, 2009
And another example of why online dating sucks.
Comment by dadshouse
| February 5th, 2009
Funny update: after cancelling last week, this woman texted me last weekend, and wanted to try setting things up with me again. I figure if I follow the advice of my readers, I’ll have a sane life, and that will be bad for my blog! So in the spirit of having a great followup story to this post, I agreed to schedule another date, planned for tonight. I made it clear it would just be drinks, not dinner.
She emailed me today to cancel! Lol.
This time, she said she went on 5 dates last week (um, was one of those on the night she cancelled with me?) and has been getting freaky voice mails from one of those guys. Plus, every guy she met did NOT look like the pic he sent. So, she is DONE DONE DONE with online dating. And she is NOT going to meet me tonight.
I guess me sending her Brad Pitt’s pic, and trying to pass it off as me, wasn’t a good idea… (just kidding!)
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| February 5th, 2009
Oh… My… God…
So she called to set up another date and then emailed you to tell you her sob story about all the SOBs online and figured you are probably just another one?????????????
All I can say is ……….. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Classy broad. Well rid of her!
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..It’s Cold Out There But It’s Warm In Bed
Comment by dadshouse
| February 16th, 2009
Another update – this woman called me AGAIN. I typed a long-ass comment about what she wanted, and what it all meant, and I realized that long comment deserves its own blog post and ensuing discussion. Look for it later this week, after my white hot tantra update.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| February 16th, 2009
Woo hoo! Can’t wait! ;)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Nah… I’m Not Jaded ~
Comment by Lori
| February 16th, 2009
It’s never good to date so many people at once. But even thats no excuse for her being flaky and rude.
Comment by donna
| February 17th, 2009
my first instinct said–the most expensive place in town? just out of basic consideration, i don’t think most women would suggest that on a first (& blind no less) date.
sounds fishy. trust your first instincts.