My Teen Daughter is Dating
My teen daughter recently told me she has a boyfriend. Hooray for her! She’s sixteen, so this is a normal and healthy part of growing up for her, and an inevitable milestone for me as her dad.
She told me a bit about him – smart, athletic, etc. (And close to her age – unlike Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend Justin Gaton, who is twenty. Doh!) I won’t go into more detail for privacy sake. I’ll just say, it sounds like my teenage daughter is making good choices.
[Ed. Note: my daughter and I discussed this post before I wrote it, and I'm not disrespecting her privacy.]
A neighborhood mom recently asked if I’d met the teen boyfriend yet. Um….no, can’t say that I have. Is that a problem? I didn’t think so. I long ago had a father daughter talk about sex and relationships with her, and we’ve had ongoing conversations since. But this mom was concerned that I should be more clued in and involved regarding my daughter’s dating life.
For the record, this mom has met my daughter’s teen boyfriend, and she backs my daughter up on the quality of this young man. So that’s not the issue. The mom simply won’t let her own teenage daughter go on dates with a boy until the mom has met him. She wants to see for herself who her daughter is spending time and getting close with.
On first blush, this makes sense. A parent should care what company their teen keeps. My parents certainly knew the family of the girl I was dating as a teen. So I have no problem with the neighborhood mom’s choice regarding her own daughter.
But looking closer, I’m not so sure my choice is that bad, either.
Mainly because when I have dated post-divorce, I didn’t have my kids meet my girlfriend until enough time had passed that I felt things were serious enough to involve them. To this day, my kids have met two women I’ve dated, and a few more close female friends. Each time, I waited a few months before introducing these women to my children.
In other words, my daughter is doing the exact same thing in terms of me meeting her teenage boyfriend that I did with her meeting my adult girlfriends.
I trust my daughter’s judgment. Plus, teens her age tend to date in groups. They hang out together, usually at one parent’s house with a parent home. Just not my house right now. I know at some point I’ll meet my daughter’s boyfriend, hopefully before they’re done being teens.
Can’t wait for my Meet the Fockers moment.
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Comment by MindyMom
| February 3rd, 2009
I agree Dads. By the time our kids are well into their teens we know them pretty well and can trust them and let go enough to let them make their own choices.
I have met most of my 17 yr. old daughter’s friends over the years, and when she has dated I did eventually meet her boyfriends if I hadn’t already at a previous group event. I’m lucky in that she did grow up with most of these kids so kow a lot of the parents too.
In the end, even the best kids can get into to trouble because they are teenagers. Mistakes and poor judgement goes with the territory and we just have to be there for them when that happens.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Tired Busy Mom – With an Update
Comment by Lance
| February 3rd, 2009
Dude, you should pretend you’re a CIA agent (like in Fockers) and mess with the guys head!
Lance´s last blog post..10 Twitter Hotties You Should Follow
Comment by Writer Dad
| February 3rd, 2009
My daughter just turned seven. I can only shudder in anticipation.
Writer Dad´s last blog post..Deja Vuesday: Sink or Swim
Comment by Lori
| February 3rd, 2009
I agree with you Dad. Why not wait til its a little more serious before meeting him.
I once asked a brother-in-law if he liked the guy his daughter was dating, and he said he didn’t bother trying to get friendy with the guy, since guys will come and go in his daughters life. Once its serious, it would be a different story.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| February 3rd, 2009
“The mom simply won’t let her own teenage daughter go on dates with a boy until the mom has met him.”
Ha ha! Good luck with that!
I’ve known a lot of teenage girls. And I mean a LOT. Regardles of how close they are to their parent(s), they maintain a certain level of grown-up privacy about their beginning private life. You are wise not to fall for the naive idea that if you told her she couldn’t have a boyfriend until you met him that it would make a damn bit of difference.
Being a teen is all about learning to trust your own judgment and hoping that your parents respect you enough to trust your judgment, too.
Five thousand points to you, David! :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by SingleParentDad
| February 3rd, 2009
What a stage to reach, but you seem totally cool about it, as you should be.
I think trust is a massive thing, and remembering that kids need to learn from their decisions too. I can remember being a teenager, and would have rebelled terribly against any relationship advice my parents gave me. As it happens, they did very little, except when I went out with a girl that I shouldn’t have done. And perversely, now I look back, their actions actually prolonged that bad, bad, relationship.
SingleParentDad´s last blog post..Poorly Boys
Comment by Exception
| February 3rd, 2009
It is all so situational. I thought about this and one of my daughter’s recent questions about my dating. She didn’t know that I went out because I do it for lunch etc. After reading your post I considered something – am I teaching her to hide a date? Like you, at this point, I would trust my daughter (which is completely about each individual parent and the child in question) but I would want to know that she is dating. I don’t want her to think that because I don’t tell her when I go out that it is okay for her not to tell me… Something for me to keep in mind.
I like the group thing but somehow I think things are a tad different here.
Exception´s last blog post..It’s All About Me
Comment by T
| February 3rd, 2009
Interesting…
I would have thought much like the neighborhood mom but I definitely see your point. I guess because we’re dating ourselves, it leads us to know a little of what our children would go through in dating too.
Of course, my girls are only 7 and 4 so I have a while before I have to think about this. Whew!
T´s last blog post..Do happiness, do sexy
Comment by loriann
| February 3rd, 2009
I loved this post David!
I met my daughter’s current beau last October during a family gathering, for a weekend at Stinson. I give the young man props as he’d not been dating my daughter for very long before the gathering which consisted of all my siblings, their families and my Mom. So he was hit with a total of 16 of us. Immediately, one of my brothers gave him the whole “Meet the Fockers” routine ~ I’ve got my eyes on you! My brothers are a bit formidable, one being in the wine business the other in the garbage business. They told him they could make a body disappear :-) The young man was a very good sport for the weekend. AND, he was attentive and respectful of my daughter and I could see she meant a lot to him. He survived the gauntlet, with all his body parts intact.
Comment by katherine.
| February 3rd, 2009
ummm….
no.
Meet the kid.
It doesn’t have to be a grilling or a weird interview about his intentions being honorable. Doesn’t even have to be on your turf…food before/after a school event works well.
This is not about trusting her judgment. Being the divorced dad and not bringing home the new woman in his life is NOT the same as your 16 year old daughter not bringing her new boyfriend home to meet dear old dad. It is very beneficial to establish your presence in her life in HIS mind.
I just about always trust my girls judgment where boys are concerned. They didn’t have to bring a guy home before they dated him….but once given the title of “boyfriend” he best be coming around. I wanted to see how he responded to her…how he interacted with adults…if his car seemed safe and reliable. (More than once we offered the girls HS boyfriends to take one of our cars rather than his jalopy.) I thought it was important to have the boyfriend (and later my boy’s girlfriend) to feel comfortable around me.
Trust me…it will only be a couple years before she goes to school. If she goes away (mine went to Davis and Merced) you will have established a pattern which both of you will appreciate when she stops dating boys and starts dating men.
katherine.´s last blog post..the fam….
Comment by Laura
| February 3rd, 2009
What a big milestone!
It has been mentioned but this all goes around trust! You trust both your kids – you are open about that and that allows you to let her do what she feels is right – regardless of what you do!
I hope I have that too one day!
Laura´s last blog post..The Step Mom
Comment by krn
| February 3rd, 2009
Wow, that’s huge. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful girl.
Katherine makes some good points. How you handle your dating life is very different from a newly dating teen. It does present the opportunity to establish a pattern and I agree that being a presence in your daughter’s boyfriend’s mind may be beneficial to her. Since I don’t see any risk in being introduced very casually, I favor the idea. But, it’s for you to decide and you know your daughter. It sounds like you’ve made excellent choices about similar issues in the past.
Lori ann’s post cracked me up. Sounds like you have a fun family! Humor is a great way to make a point. I bet her boyfriend had a fun day, even if he was outnumbered and teased by the uncles.
Comment by single mom seeking
| February 3rd, 2009
I’m with Katherine on this one.
Yes, when YOU “dated post-divorce,” your kids “didn’t meet my girlfriend until enough time had passed that I felt things were serious enough to involve them.”
That’s because you’re the parent, Dads!
I applaud you for trusting your daughter’s judgment… I remember my own father having that same trust with me when I was 16.
I was grateful that my dad wanted to meet my boyfriends. He took a true interest in my life, whether it was my boyfriend or my grades.
He made a formal invitation to have my high school boyfriend out to dinner with us. No big deal, but looking back, I was incredibly appreciative that he showed an interest.
Isn’t it your role as a parent to know who your kid is making out with after school?
single mom seeking´s last blog post..Am I a terrible mom for letting my kid watch The Bachelor?
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| February 3rd, 2009
In truth, I think dating is for married people. It is hardly a way to get to know whether a person is a suitable partner. One-on-one situations do not reveal much about a person, except that you learn who they think they are. For instance, seeing how someone interacts with others and reacts to certain situations is an important aspect of developing a real relationship. But that advice goes to all ages.
David’s daughter is clearly not the average sixteen-year-old. And even though I have never met her, I would bet my life that she does not take his unmeddling attitude as disinterest. She very plainly has a dad who is involved in her life and she will share the things she is dealing with in her time (like she did this boyfriend news).
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| February 3rd, 2009
(Incidentally, if anyone is interested in seeing a movie about the real dangers of not listening to a parent’s advice ~ go see TAKEN.)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Holly Hoffman
| February 3rd, 2009
Whoa. I’m in disagreement here. I’m not a parent, but my teen dating days don’t feel so very far away.
No offense, but you not introducing your girlfriends to your kids is completely different from not meeting your daughter’s dates. As the adult you have a lot more experience than your daughter regarding what is and isn’t appropriate. I
t’s not just a trust issue – it’s a caring issue. My parents *cared* about who I was dating and thus met them. That concern for my well-being, that attentiveness to what I was doing & with whom, made me feel loved, cared for and special. At some point they stopped caring, and it stung. Bad.
Your daughter may not be giving you cause for concern, but your concern might be appreciated anyway.
Holly Hoffman´s last blog post..News Flash: Sex is a Distraction
Comment by dadshouse
| February 3rd, 2009
Great comments! Teri, thanks for the 5,000 points. Where can I redeem them?
Actually, I think I’ll share those points with Katherine, Single Mom Seeking, Krn, and Holly, i.e. the commentators who said that me showing my teen daughter I’m interested in meeting her teen boyfriend (thank God he’s not 20!) is a way to show I care.
Is there a way to do this – show I care, and express an interest to meet him – while also allowing her to share things with me on her own good time, as Teri said?
As for after-school make-out sessions, maybe I really am a CIA agent, and already know about her teenage life… mwua-ha-ha-ha-ha….
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| February 3rd, 2009
Sharing is caring! :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..All The World’s A Stage
Comment by Canadian Bald Guy
| February 3rd, 2009
My daughter just turned 10 last month…and I’m scared to death of the crazy world that’s out there waiting for her. But I think I gotta agree with the thought process…she’s sixteen: give her some space and she’ll respect you for it.
I certainly wouldn’t close my eyes and turn my back on the boyfriend (I also agree in the suggestions to “Focker” him up a bit), but you two obviously have a close and trusting relationship so not pressuring her to meet the boyfriend right out of the gate is probably the best idea.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post..Confessions from a cubicle…
Comment by kmn
| February 3rd, 2009
You should meet the boyfriend. I agree with Holly that your reason for keeping your dates private is not the same thing.
My daughters are 16 and 18. If the title of “boyfriend” is being used, they’ve been together socially for a bit already. It isn’t about trusting or not trusting her. Her boyfriend is an important part in her life (however short-lived that may be) and you asking to meet him acknowledges that. As long as you ask to meet him and not demand to meet him. This is new to her, she has no experience, so offering to meet him shows caring and support.
I haven’t commented before, but I really like the blog!
Comment by Jim Everson
| February 3rd, 2009
Man, you are one cool cucumber. I hope I can be as cool when the day comes. I’ll just tape this to my fridge for another ten years. Then we’ll see how I do.
Comment by SDMktg
| February 3rd, 2009
Just don’t do like a friend of mine did. He was in the pool when he first met his 16 year old daughter’s boyfriend. The poor kid walked over to shake my friend’s hand. My friend claims it was an accident but I guess he shook the boy’s hand too hard and suddenly boyfriend was airborn on his way into the pool headfirst with all of his clothes on. My friend’s daughter didn’t speak to him for a few days. Thankfully my daughter is only 7. I did meet a lot of my younger sister’s boyfriends though when she was in high school. That was interesting.
I think finding a blend of parental concern and showing trust/giving space is the ideal. I guess we all just do our best at any given stage.
SDMktg´s last blog post..Super Bowl Commercials on YouTube…Vote for your Fav.
Comment by Damo
| February 3rd, 2009
Meeting the guy can’t hurt.
I let my 17 yr old daughter know that she can date any-one she likes…only 1 rule…”Whatever he does to you, I’ll do to him”
He better ‘pucker-up’ when they get home!!
Comment by single mom seeking
| February 3rd, 2009
Ditto was Cathouse Teri said: “Sharing is caring!”
It sounds like you and your daughter have a great, communicative relationship. Why don’t you casually suggest that you meet him? She’d probably have a great idea about what would feel most comfortable… Getting bite to eat one night? Or he can come over for dessert?
single mom seeking´s last blog post..Am I a terrible mom for letting my kid watch The Bachelor?
Comment by mama llama
| February 4th, 2009
I remember my parents only officially “meeting” a boyfriend of mine (high school) once, and then drawing unfair conclusions about anyone else I went out with. I had only wished they cared enough to trust my judgment and actually want to meet the guys I cared to spend time with.
When meeting the one boyfriend, we all went out for pizza. Noisy, distracting place, public, not a lot of pressure…it was an easy way to meet without so much formality. I actually applaud my father for that stroke of brilliance. It could have been a bit more liberally practiced, however; I would have loved to have shared more of my life with them had they been open to learning about who I was becoming without the constant teasing (not good for an insecure soul).
Just a thought…
Be well, Dads.
mama llama´s last blog post..the mirror
Comment by Attainingme
| February 4th, 2009
Wow. You have a great perspective and you are a great dad. Trust is important. Thank you to you and your daughter for sharing.
Attainingme´s last blog post..Armed
Comment by ilinap
| February 4th, 2009
Please don’t embarrass the poor lad.
ilinap´s last blog post..Wise Words from Garrison Keillor
Comment by MomSweetNSpicey
| February 27th, 2009
I think you should read the book Interview Your Daughters Dates by Dennis Rainey – my husband read it and now gives the book to all his friends with daughters!
Comment by Joanna
| April 1st, 2009
My Aunt did the same thing to my cousins. She said she didn’t want to meet their boyfriends until they had dated for a bit because she said she met too many boyfriends that my one cousin wasn’t that serious about.
Comment by aunt lee
| April 2nd, 2009
I tend to go for what the dad in “Clueless” did — make the boy come in to pick her up and tell him “Anything happens to my daughter, I’ve got a rifle and a shovel – I doubt anyone would miss you..”
But then I’m a big believer in using movies to jumpstart conversations with kids about relationships.
aunt lee´s last blog post..Riahnna and Chris and True Love part II
Comment by TeenDad
| August 11th, 2009
I’m now 19 and experiencing being a dad. I must say although it feels good it’s still hard. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but to be honest, the hard part is having to balance time. My daughter is great and makes managing her never dreadful. -Teen dad