Fathers and Daughters – What a Dad Needs to Know
When my sixteen-year-old daughter told me she had a boyfriend, I was thrilled. Not only for her, since dating is a normal part of growing up, but for me, too. That I was in the loop meant our father daughter relationship was healthy and strong. Right?
Not so fast. I hadn’t yet met her boyfriend.
At first, that didn’t bother me. After all, I’m a single dad on the dating scene, and I don’t introduce my kids to every woman I meet. But some Dad’s House readers said a teen daughter thrives when her father shows an interest in her life. Great point!
I asked my daughter, her friends, and some of my girlfriends to give me hot tips for fathers with teen girls. Here’s what they said.
What a Dad Needs to Know About His Daughter
Sex – we all know high school kids think about sex, even the ones with purity rings. A dad should know his daughter’s attitude about sex. Where is she getting her sex education? If from girlfriends, is the sex knowledge good, or is she being misinformed? And of course, is she having sex? (Good luck on that one.)
I talked to my daughter about sex when she was a preteen, and we’ve had conversations since. When a father daughter sex talk is uncomfortable for either party, make sure she has someone to talk to – her mom, an aunt, an adult female friend. Someone you trust. A dad needs to know his daughter is getting accurate and appropriate information about sex.
Boys – how are they treating her? How is she treating them? To find out, you can talk to her, eavesdrop, monitor her Facebook page. Also, if she does co-ed activities like track, drama, or band, go watch! Just promise you won’t do anything that mortifies her. (I quote my daughter on that.)
Tampons – if you’re a single dad, you might want to know where she keeps these. My daughter ran out once, and asked me to dash to the store on her behalf. Now I keep an eye on her supply, and help her stock up accordingly.
Beauty stuff – my daughter is beautiful, the apple of my eye. I compliment her daily. Still, teen girls are at an age when they may want to experiment with changing their look. Make-up, clothing, hair styles, nails. Even tom-boys might be curious.
For a dad to tell his daughter that she might want to change her hair or wear some make-up could send her a mixed message. Is she not good enough in his eyes? But, for a dad to accept that his daughter wants to experiment with her looks brings validation. Big difference. Just don’t expect her to let you take her to the mall for beauty stuff. Better if she goes with a woman. I once sent my daughter on a clothes shopping spree with a buddy’s wife. It was a huge success.
Girlfriends, yours – a single dad’s daughter might want to know her father is dating, but she certainly doesn’t need to hear every gory detail or sexy and funny story. She’s your daughter, not your confidante. My daughter said she doesn’t want daily or weekly updates on my dating life, but if I’ve been seeing the same woman for a month, I should mention it.
Girlfriends, hers – don’t tell your daughter that one of her girlfriends is hot. That’s creepy! Don’t flirt with her girlfriends, either. (Moms shouldn’t flirt with teen boys.) If you need a reminder on this one, go watch American Beauty. Enough said.
Details of her daily life – my daughter and her friends hate when a parent doesn’t even know what classes they’re enrolled in. If you ask about biology when she’s taking chemistry, you’re clueless. Major faux pax.
After school – where is your daughter hanging out? What’s she doing? If she says she’s working on homework with a friend, but then stays up all hours working on homework, maybe you’re getting the runaround. Teen responsibility is something learned, and sometimes needs parental guidance.
What matters to her – a dad needs to know what his daughter thinks is important. Is she obsessed with saving animals? Fixated on boys? Can’t get enough soccer? Whatever her passion, take an interest. Listen. Encourage her. Show up.
Some of my daughter’s friends have dads who have never attended one of her high school soccer games. That’s really sad. I know people are busy, but your daughter only grows up once. Make an effort to be present in her life, especially for something that’s important to her. Be a proud parent.
What she says – what your daughter says isn’t necessarily what she means. According to my daughter: “you don’t have to come” means she wants me to come, but is giving me an out if I can’t make it. “Don’t come!” means don’t come. And “yes, come” means dammit, I better be there! Listen to her intonation, and hear what she means, not what she says.
Bottom line: A daughter wants to know (!) her father cares about her.
Now then, all you female readers who had dads, please weigh in with your corrections or validations! I’m learning this stuff as I go.
- My Teen Daughter is Dating
- Father and Daughter Hit the Pump
- A Father Watches His Teen Daughter
- PreTeen Sex Talk With a Boy
- Prom Night
- How is Facebook Used by Single Parents?
- When a Single Dad’s Daughter Needs Girl Stuff
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Comment by mama llama
| February 26th, 2009
I agree. On pretty much everything above. What a thorough, detailed list.
I remember, at about 25 years ago, when my father once made what was, in his mind, an innocent statement about my changing adolescent body. I remember I was wearing a bathrobe and he said, “Looks like you’re developing that teenage spread.” I took it to mean that my ass looked fat. I have never been anything but underweight, but that one simple comment has haunted me since.
Moral being, be very careful of how your words can affect your daughters and sons as well. As I only had a sister, I can attest to the sensitivity–sometimes extreme–of females. But what might seem funny out of the mouth of an adult might crush that teenage daughter and forever impact her life.
Just a thought. Be well, Dads.
mama llama´s last blog post..reflecting on mulch
Comment by Lori
| February 26th, 2009
I’m quite impressed. If only all fathers could do even half of these things.
I know I need to compliment more often. It seems I’m always saying “you have too much eye liner on.” She’s just started wearing it, so what I need to be doing is spending more time showing her how to put it on, or take her for a makeover.
I was so much more on the ball with my oldest daughter.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| February 26th, 2009
Being a daughter myself, I’d say you are doing a lot of good things. Being a mom to a boy, I’ve had to learn how to talk to boys (it’s different! Balls are involved or some other activity).
But “monitor her Facebook page”? Isn’t that like reading her diary (even though it’s public)? Are you telling her that you’re doing that?
, under the beauty category, you say: “I compliment her daily.” On … her beauty? Could be dangerous territory there. Beauty and weight are complicated for women; evidently, it starts earlier and earlier. Tread carefully!
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Pay attention, there will be a test
Comment by Wendy
| February 26th, 2009
“Listen. Encourage her. Show up.”
Kudos to you on this point.
I am a firm believer if you don’t listen, encourage and show up for all of it…the simple, mundane and day to day stuff particularly, then you won’t stand much of a chance of being let in for the bigger stuff.
It’s a worthwhile investment.
Wendy´s last blog post..I Used To Think…
Comment by MindyMom
| February 26th, 2009
Great list Dads. It shows how much you care and are involved and WANT to be involved. Your daughter is lucky to have a dad like you. As you know, not all kids are so fortunate. You are also setting a good example for the men she will choose to bring into her life.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Going 50/50
Comment by Holly Hoffman
| February 26th, 2009
I think you’re right on track! And I love that you point out that you can supply her with older female confidantes/shopping partners. You don’t have to be everything to your daughter, but you are able to give her the things she needs by finding appropriate role models. Good for you.
And checking up on her tampon supply? That’s going above and beyond!
Holly Hoffman´s last blog post..Recession economy follow-up: I actually really love my job
Comment by dadshouse
| February 26th, 2009
Kat – I agree, it’s important to tread carefully with compliments. I tend towards praising her brains or athleticism more than just flat-out beauty. I don’t want to raise a “daddy’s girl”, or someone who feels beauty is the end-all be-all. But if I like an outfit she selected, I’ll tell her. If I like a flip she’s trying out in her hair, I’ll tell her. etc.
As for Facebook – my ex-wife actually does that monitoring, and my daughter knows about it. They are Facebook friends. I just talk to my daughter about the dangers of interacting with strangers online, or with putting words and pictures on a public forum like that. Facebook should NOT be used as a diary – unless you want the whole world to know your secrets. Stuff gets out.
Mama Llama – it’s scary, because I know how damaging words can be. I grew up with brothers, so being around my daughter is new terrain for me. When I wrote the original post, and so many female readers said I needed to meet her boyfriend simply to show an interest in her life, I was shocked how clueless I felt! Hence, this list – I really did sit and interview some women and girls, including my daughter, at length. But no list is comprehensive, and there are always nuances. I need constant input from female readers to get things right.
Wendy, Holly, Mindy, Lori – thanks! A daily investment of little things goes a long way.
Comment by notasoccermom
| February 26th, 2009
I love this writ-up. I tis interesting to see a fathers perspective.
I think one challenge that a single mother has that a single father may not have, is the threatening manner if a boy is bad news!
notasoccermom´s last blog post..Guess who is home? For a whole month!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| February 26th, 2009
My father never talked to me at all about these things. And I adore him and never suspected for a single moment that he didn’t think the sun rose and set on me. My parents made me feel constantly beautiful, smart and important. And not only didn’t my father talk to me about these things, neither did my mother.
(Is this the part where I say, “And see how great I turned out?” while everyone rolls their eyes and says to themselves… “hmmmm, this explains a lot!” Hee hee.)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Nah… I’m Not Jaded ~
Comment by ditz
| February 26th, 2009
Dads, I think these are great ideas for moms, too.
I do monitor my kids My Space and Facebook pages. We have talked about ‘content’ and privacy, which resulted in some suggestive song lyrics being removed. We talked about future employers and others reading it, and how it is not truly private.
My daughters complain about their father dismissing their opinions and making decisions that are better for him than them. When a parent says, ‘this is better for you’, yet the child has valid reasons for a different choice, kids begin to doubt their parent’s integrity.
Comment by QTMama
| February 26th, 2009
Good good post DH. I’m digging it.
I remember once in my teenage years, I was standing in the kitchen wearing a sports bra and tennis skirt after a particularly grueling tennis practice. I was chugging some water down when I noticed him staring at me with this funny look on his face. I said, “Dad, what?” and he said, “Where did THOSE come from?” pointing at my breasts. To this day, I still remember that exact look of … surprise and worry and almost sadness on his face. And it still makes me smile.
Methinks you are a good daddy.
QTMama´s last blog post..Details Details
Comment by krn
| February 26th, 2009
There is something useful for all parents in this post, Dad’s and daughter. I agree that parents and their friends should not flirt with their kids’ crowd. My parents had one male friend that made comments about my long legs the entire time I was growing up. Soooo creepy, that. I love to flirt, but it’s important to know when it’s not appropriate.
Comment by T
| February 26th, 2009
I love that you take an interest in all of this David. What a great post!!
My dad and I were never close, mostly because he had interests that he tried to force on me. Then again, we did enjoy music. I wish we would have explored what we did have in common more.
And listening to her, truly showing that you’re interested… speaks VOLUMES!!
You are giving her a great role model. Girls base relationships with men on their relationship with their father. She sounds like a healthy gal!! Kudos!
T´s last blog post..Oprah’s giving props; Motherhood is funny on ABC
Comment by PhenomenalMama
| February 26th, 2009
Good for you for taking such an active role in your daughter’s life. I don’t think enough dads do this.
A thought to keep you warm at night: I remember reading once that the women who grow up to have good self-esteem are the ones that had the best relationships with their dads.
PhenomenalMama´s last blog post..Snapshot: Inside the Bus Station
Comment by Hadley
| February 26th, 2009
What a great post! I really believe that having a healthy relationship with her Dad is a wonderful gift in and of itself for any girl, and helps her in all of her future relationships with men.
The only point I have a different view on than you is when it comes to meeting the boyfriend. I think if he wants to take her out, he should know from firsthand experience that she has adults firmly in her corner who are watching to see that she’s treated with respect! I don’t see the analogy with her meeting your romantic interests…you have the benefit of experience and can take care of yourself. Teen girls can benefit from a little (not too much) help navigating beginning to date. I know my high school boyfriends were kept on their toes by having to sit in the living room for a few minutes with my Dad before we left from time to time!
Comment by Exception
| February 26th, 2009
This is a topic that is close to my heart. At the end of the day, I honestly believe that it is about love and building a relationship that is singular to the father and the daughter. Dads are important, but girls survive quite well without them too. Perhaps it is that a dad can provide a lot of enrichment when he is involved and engaged and everything…but the reverse can reverse the impact?
In the end, there just isn’t an instruction book. Unless parents realize the significance of their role, demonstrating love and support. Point is, parents need to get it, dads and moms alike. If they don’t get it, is the damage greater if they stay involved but not involved or if they are not involved at all? (I am way too mental today)
Exception´s last blog post..How Time Flies
Comment by justrun
| February 26th, 2009
That bottom line is 100% true, and makes all the difference in the world. I’m speaking from experience, or lack thereof.
justrun´s last blog post..It’s been going around
Comment by Canadian Bald Guy
| February 26th, 2009
I’m bookmarking this post. My daughter is 10 and is constantly telling her mom (already) that she wants to “move in with daddy”. And for as much as I’d love to have that happen, I’m afraid of her upcoming teenage years.
Thank goodness other single dads have been through the same thing. Great stuff here.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post..No seempathay!!!
Comment by Leah
| February 26th, 2009
What a sweet post. You and your daughter are lucky to have one another. Wish all dads were as conscious and thoughtful as you :)
Leah´s last blog post..Creative Emergence
Comment by SDMktg
| March 4th, 2009
Showing up is definitely important. I remember my sister being really mad when my dad and his then wife chose to attend the one Christmas Eve service that she wasn’t in her senior year of high school. I was was impressed when he introduced me at a housewarming party and told the person what college I went to until my sister told me he asked her where I went a few minutes earlier.
This is a great list.
Comment by robert dimond
| September 2nd, 2009
My 21-year old daughter moved into her own apartment near her office. Of course it makes a lot of sense, except that it scares her dad half to death.
“She has to find her own way,” my wife said. “She has to build up some independence,” she added. “She will meet a lot of new friends,” she also said.
It was that last comment – those “new friends”– that bothered me. Would they all really be “friends”? Or would they be predators – thieves, rapists, even killers?
Of course I am not the first father to worry about his young daughter striking out on her own and living by herself in an apartment. But this was my daughter, and I was going to worry as much as I wanted. But beyond that, I wanted to make sure that she was as safe as I could possibly make her.
After a few weeks went by, I asked my daughter, Melinda, how things were going and if she had encountered any problems or had any safety concerns. When she paused before answering I knew that something was wrong. But of course she didn’t want to get me worried and to start saying “I told you so.”
“I have been getting some screwy phone calls,” she said. “I think they are just guys who want to have some fun. But they are a bit scary. You just never know, because I am alone and maybe somebody would like to verify that so that they would know there is no one here to help me in case of a threat.”
I knew that there would be moments like this, so I had to maintain my composure and assure her that there was something we could do to help her with this problem. What this something was I had no clue.
There is a man in my office who I go to for all questions related to what kind of help is out there for any kind of problem I can raise. He lives on the computer and he is an encyclopedia of computer help knowledge. So I went to him with my problem. Of course he had an answer.
“What your daughter needs to do is to make sure these callers know there are a lot of different people living at her place,” he said. “No one would dare attempt anything when they realize she is not only not alone, but there are several others either living there or visiting often.”
“So,” I asked, “you’re saying she has to get some roommates? Her place really is not that big. I’m not sure that’s going to work.”
“Not roommates” he said, “just their voices.” That’s when he told me about The Voice Changer, which you can get at http://www.yoursecurityandsafety.com/voicechanger.htm.
“With The Voice Changer,” he said, “your daughter can answer the phone every time with a different voice, just by pressing a button.”
There are two versions, he said, TVC-1 disguises your voice by digitizing it; the degree of change can be adjusted as you are speaking by pressing a button on the front of the unit. Melinda can make it sound like a man or just a different person. She can even make it sound like a robot.
TVC-2 has 8 different voice changing settings. Just press a button and a man can sound like a stranger, a woman like a man, a granddad like a child, etc.
That was the answer, no doubt. I ordered TVC-2, gave it to my daughter, explained how to use it and suddenly the strange phone calls have halted. To callers who don’t know her, it probably sounds as though she is running a rooming house. Good. I haven’t heard too many instances of a rooming house being invaded by a predator.