Sex and No Sex
Remember that scene in Big when Tom Hanks struts into work the morning after having sex? I trust every Dad’s House reader has felt that lighter-than-air feeling more than once. Oddly enough, I recently experienced it for quite a different reason.
I felt it after not having sex.
Let me explain. I met a woman for a first date, and there was instant chemistry and attraction. We got to know each other over drinks, and wouldn’t you know, there was enough lust-fueled flirtation and desire on both our parts to take the party straight to bed that night. Bedtime sex plus morning sex makes for sexy fun times, indeed.
Granted, first-date sex is a terrible way to start a relationship. But for a night of passion, it can be just right. Nothing like a good lay to clear the chakras, release some tension and stress, raise sexual energy, and feel good from head to toe.
As Bad Mutha Blogger said, quoting Osho, about great sex:
Become the kiss… Become love and enter everlasting life.
Or as Lance from Honey and Lance might say:
I love a good f**k.
The morning after that night of hot sex, I had a spring in my step, for sure. And sex aside, there was enough attraction and interest on both our parts to warrant a second date.
That’s when things got weird.
Once you’ve had sex with someone, it can be a little awkward getting to know them. Do I treat this woman like a girlfriend? A potential girlfriend? A lover? A potential lover? Will we make small talk when we meet, or just get busy and have sex again? On the phone ahead of time, she was tough to read.
I knew that first night things would be awkward like this. But I decided to keep an open mind for our second date, and let things unfold. I wouldn’t push for sex, but if sex ended up on the menu, I wouldn’t say no.
We met for drinks in a busy bar, and got along fine. Our conversation never dulled. But the sparks just weren’t there. We were friendly enough, but we just didn’t seem a good match.
Still, we could be sexy lovers. Our casual first-date sex had gone well enough.
After two drinks, we left the bar and found ourselves back on my couch, ready to raise the heat from a nice simmer to a smoldering boil. Except – except…
I like a woman who is sexy and confident, whether a man tells her she’s hot, or not. I find the sex is better when sexual energy is rising for both. Making out on the couch, I realized something was missing. There was passion, but no zest and vibrancy. It was vanilla, and I like spice. (Sorry, it’s hard to explain.) I knew that having sex would only involve us more, and I didn’t want that.
We let things cool back down to a simmer, and after a while said goodnight. It was sort of like my Myers-Briggs hookup that ended without a bang, except this new woman and I had already slept together and were now choosing not to on the second date.
But get this – the next day, I had that lighter than air feeling, that spring in my step that comes from a night of great sex. My chakras were cleared. Energy flowed freely from my head to toes. And I didn’t have any guilt that might come with sleeping with someone I wasn’t that into.
Don’t start thinking I’m becoming a monk. This was one experience with one particular woman. I’m still quite open to sexy hookups when they come my way. But this night of no sex made me realize – sometimes not having sex is a sexy choice.
- Beginners Tantra – Sexy and Heartfelt
- Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
- Rebound Sex Coffee Date
- Taking Third-Date Sex to a New Extreme
- Sex, But Where’s the Romance?
- US Patent 587994 – Male Chastity Device
- Mark Sanford, Eliot Spitzer, Gavin Newsom – Move Over!
- Sex Toys Suck!
- Texting Goodbye to a Lover
- Husband Watching Wife and Lover
- Ken Wilber on Sex, God and a Well Hung Prana
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Comment by lisaq
| March 2nd, 2009
Sometimes it does indeed. Perhaps you felt so good because you knew the choice you made was the right one.
lisaq´s last blog post..Viagra for Women
Comment by MindyMom
| March 2nd, 2009
That’s interesting that you started of with sex that had gone “well enough” but then fizzled on the second attempt. I can’t say I’ve ever experienced that but usually by the time I have sex with a guy I know I’m already into him and he’s into me.
And don’t we all prefer spice to vanilla? I know I do. Good call on your part though. You did the right thing.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Purging the Negative
Comment by Dr. Leah www.singlemommyhood.com
| March 2nd, 2009
No greater satisfaction than making the right choice. Feels wonderful for all the right reasons. Nothing sexy about feeling less than proud of yourself the morning after.
Dr. Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post..Have you heard about the man who can’t even “buy” a date?
Comment by T
| March 2nd, 2009
LOVE IT!!!
And I too prefer spice to vanilla. Though, vanilla can be nice sometimes… with chocolate syrup and whipped cream… but, um, yeah.
Great post David!
T´s last blog post..Saturday evening… and a bit of rum
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| March 2nd, 2009
“Granted, first-date sex is a terrible way to start a relationship.”
I’ve yet to see anyone make a good argument backing this up.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..How Much Is Too Much? How Little Is Too Little?
Comment by PhenomenalMama
| March 2nd, 2009
Ah sex…
After my most recent relationship I discovered that I’d only been having mediocre sex for my whole life. One thing that we did share was really great sex, and I suspect that’s at least one of the reasons why we hung on as long as we did.
The good news is that it’s taught me how great GREAT sex can be…and I will forever have something to aspire towards. ;)
PhenomenalMama´s last blog post..Emptiness
Comment by QTMama
| March 2nd, 2009
*Hive Five* You got some! Nice job, DH. I’m happy for ya.
QTMama´s last blog post..Interview with Emilee – Almost
Comment by Mike
| March 2nd, 2009
I understand. For me I usually just steer the ship towards a relationship afterwards. If it never makes it at least I shot for the best and it did what it could.
I totally agree that I need a connection with a person or it just fizzles for me and it becomes a waste of time for me.
Comment by sky
| March 2nd, 2009
Quite a few of my friends had sex on the first date, and they got married, and they were drunk. Seems to be the norm here in England.
sky´s last blog post..Currys GRIFFIN ITRIP AUTO for only 39.99
Comment by Twenty Four At Heart
| March 2nd, 2009
Let me get this straight. You are a MAN … and you didn’t have sex … AND you were happy with that decision?
You are blowing my stereotypes right out of the water!
Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog post..I’m Such a Bitch, I Can’t Stand Myself
Comment by Wendy
| March 2nd, 2009
After reading Sky’s comment…
I want to move to England and become part of the societal norm!
Wendy´s last blog post..***Leavin’ the Light On***
Comment by Elaine at Lipstickdaily
| March 2nd, 2009
Sex on a first date can be awesome . . . but I agree it can lead to huge complications afterwards. Interesting turn it took in your case . . .
Elaine at Lipstickdaily´s last blog post..Guilt Free Eggs
Comment by dadshouse
| March 2nd, 2009
Teri – are you saying first date sex is a great way to start a relationship, or the sex makes no difference? I think I went into this second date not knowing what I wanted or what to expect, since we’d already had sex, and the second date just came off flat. The intellectual connection was there, but there was no emotional intensity. As for sexual tension – we’d already been there and done that, so by the time we hit the couch, it was contrived. Since it was “vanilla”, it sort of went nowhere.
Compare that to a relationship I was in two years ago. We didn’t sleep together until the 5th or 6th date. By then, I was crazy for this woman. I totally wanted to jump her bones. The sex was great. And by then, I was hooked on other levels, so I wanted sex with her every time we were together.
I’ve also had a lover who I never dated – we had sex from day one, and stayed together as lovers for four months. We never tried to connect on any level except sexual, but that was so intense, and “spicy”, it worked just fine for what it was.
TwentyFour – yeah, men are able to use discernment on occasion when it comes to sex. Though we seem far more likely than women to be okay having sex without emotional attachment.
Phenom Mom – isn’t sex great when you find a lover who rocks in bed, and brings out the rock star in you?
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| March 2nd, 2009
I am sure you can quote examples where first date sex seemed to make a difference as well as some where waiting until fifth date made a difference but you would be hard pressed to prove it. After all, how do you know? I mean you didn’t try it both ways with the same woman, didja?
There are far too many variables in any given situation for you to be able to make a convincing argument either way.
You could say that it’s been your experience that first date sex is a bad idea. But you can’t make a statement like, “first-date sex is a terrible way to start a relationship” because that white-washes the whole thing making all things vanilla. And they’re not.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..How Much Is Too Much? How Little Is Too Little?
Comment by dadshouse
| March 2nd, 2009
Teri – good point. It’s been my experience that the women I ended up dating for an extended period of time were women I waited to have sex with. I was captivated with them beyond the physical. It’s quite possible I might have felt that way even if we’d had first date sex.
I will say, even if I’m captivated with a woman, if she’s terrible in bed, I probably won’t date her. There’s one woman in particular I stopped seeing just because the sex was bad.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| March 2nd, 2009
Well, David, that may have had something to do with your own personal moral base. Not all men feel that way, nor has that been the experience of all men. I agree that sex is important. I have no idea what I would do if I met someone I were not sexually compatible with, because quite frankly, I have yet to find someone who fits that category!
I will add that the woman you stopped seeing because the sex was bad had nothing to do with WHEN you had sex but rather the mere fact that you did have sex. I asked my youngest son about this subject once, wanting to get the more … hmmmm … untainted view. (I always ask the youngsters when I want to know the uncomplicated truth.) He said that WHEN he slept with a woman had nothing to do with whether or not the prospective relationship would last. The only difference it might make is that if they had sex on the first date and she was terrible in bed he would probably not see her again, since that is really all the relationship stood on at that point. But if he were seeing her awhile before they had sex and then turned out to be terrible in bed, he might continue to see her based on the other connections or, as you put it, captivations.
Still, in the end (pun intended ~ hee), it seems y’all would feel pretty justified in discontinuing the pursuit if she turned out to be bad in bed ~ whether t’was the first date or the fifth.
(God help me, I canNOT see the difference between those two. I’m just saying.) :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Just Another Of The Lights of My World
Comment by The Exception
| March 2nd, 2009
Wait… you mean you are a man and admitting that there is such a thing as bad sex? (re: your last comment?) ;)
Great choices – or walking and living in integrity can give quite the high… jus tlike great sex!
The Exception´s last blog post..Fun on Facebook
Comment by krn
| March 2nd, 2009
Aaaah, “lust fueled flirtation.” Nice, Dad’s. Very nice!
It’s great that you discontinued the make out session when the chemistry just wasn’t there on the second date. And even better that you were energized the next morning after making a choice that was right for you!
Here’s to finding lust and love~ *glass up to you*
Comment by Canadian Bald Guy
| March 2nd, 2009
There’s something to be said about that initial attraction. That’s why so many one-night-stands happen…the physical attraction and the initial mental attraction can be so powerful that you just want to jump on some bones and get it on and everything will be perfect after that.
But realistically, what happened to you certainly wasn’t the first time I’ve heard of it…hell, it’s happened to me before.
The fact that you stopped things is commendable (to me, at least). I don’t know if, in the same situation, many men would stop and take a step back…rather they’d go through with it and find a way to break-up with the woman later.
So yeah…kudos. Vanilla is fine…but when sex truly is incredible, it takes things to a whole other level.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post..When it rains…
Comment by Lori
| March 2nd, 2009
I truly believe that not having sex is the best way to start a relationship. Make sure you’re right for each other first. Then you don’t have to worry about the possibility of hurt feelings if you don’t want to see the person again, and you have the buildup of sexual desire by waiting for more than 3 dates.
By not having sex, you know that its really the person that you like and desire, and that its not just that you loved the sex.
Btw, I’ve had sex start out vanilla only to become much more spicy.
My guess is your lady was holding back, wondering if you were just interested in getting laid.
Comment by katherine.
| March 3rd, 2009
now I am looking back trying to categorize previous exploits….
katherine.´s last blog post..playing "Telephone" and assuming the worst….
Comment by Eathan
| March 3rd, 2009
I’ve been so busy.. I’m late commenting on this one. Where do I start. lol
“Granted, **BAD** first-date sex is a terrible way to start a relationship” You had me holding on to my chair..and I had to read it twice. Great sex always clears my mind.
I’ve never had a bounce in my step from not having sex, esp if it was good the 1st time. If there’s no spice there… have another glass of wine. ;) (joking)
Maybe you realized that the extra work wasn’t worth it. That’s what it sounds like to me.
Eathan´s last blog post..Can You Still Live With The Ex?
Comment by badmuthablogger
| March 3rd, 2009
YES! Not having sex can be a big high. You’re onto something there, Dads. No need to become a monk (although I’m wondering about that path for myself). My 2 cents is that it’s SOOOOO much better making love when you’re actually IN love, so why bother with casual sex? It’s all root chakra until you learn to open up your other chakras and let it flow all the way through your crown. That takes a lot of trust and trust takes time. Personally, I think it’s worth the wait. Hey, thanks for the link :)
badmuthablogger´s last blog post..Charlie bit my finger – again!
Comment by dadshouse
| March 3rd, 2009
Eathan – agreed, bad first date sex is a terrible way to start things off. But great first date sex can distract and be misleading – make you think things are better than they otherwise are. (It can also be a sign that things are great. Every relationship is different)
I think you’re right, I realized it wasn’t worth the extra work.
Bad Mutha – I agree that most casual sex is root chakra based. Though not all! I had a lover last year, and while we didn’t hit the crown chakra, we did make it up to the heart, and maybe even the third eye. It was intense and consuming and heartfelt. Of course, we dated for a year before we switched gears to friends with benefits, so we definitely had time to build trust.
Another lover I had was all about root chakra sex, and she kept my interest for several months. So, root chakra doesn’t necessarily mean terrible sex, that’s for sure!
Comment by ilinap
| March 4th, 2009
“Not having sex is a sexy choice” is exactly what I’m going to tell my sons…when they are older than 5 and 3.
ilinap´s last blog post..Time Travel
Comment by Lance
| March 6th, 2009
I would definitely say that and I’ve had nearly this exact same 2nd date no-sex experience. Interesting.
Lance´s last blog post..Watchmen is Totally Rad…Why are the Critics Such Douches?