Dad's House

Single Parent Dating
& Parenting Teens

76 Responses to “When a Divorced Parent Wants to Move Away”

1. Comment by Dr. Leah | March 3rd, 2009

   Time will race by, speaking of bicycles, and your kids will be in college and, then, out on their own. Don’t wish away this special (and fleeting)time with both your kids.

   Dr. Leah´s last blog post..Have you heard about the man who can’t even “buy” a date?

2. Comment by Me Thinks | March 3rd, 2009

   Most decrees have a clause stating the parents cannot move than x distance without the other parent’s approval and retain custody (I have to stay in contiguous counties). I went through this when I first got divorced. However, at the time my ex hardly saw the kids – I knew I could either buy my way out with reduced child support or just give him the ultimatum that if he doesn’t agree he’d have to take the kids full time since I was going.

   But I knew it was wrong – why would you do even think about doing that to your kids? It is so unfair to “take away” one parent because you selfishly want to live someplace you like better. I don’t care what the reasons are, its still not the right thing to do for your kids.

   And this is why I will never again date someone outside of my metropolitan area – this is an inevitable struggle.

   Wait until your son has graduated then move where you want. You two have worked hard to maintain full involvement in your kids lives (I would argue more than most married parents). Taking away the day to day contact with both parents would be wrong wrong wrong.

3. Comment by T | March 3rd, 2009

   What a dream it is…

   I, too, have realized that I’m stuck here for a while. I mean, I love it here. My brother is finally joining my sister, mom and I here. But I also have thoughts about moving somewhere else someday.

   Yeah, just thinkin’ out loud….

   T´s last blog post..My tribute to Dr. Seuss

4. Comment by Kat Wilder | March 3rd, 2009

   Parents should never move away while their kids are young, period! And young means still in high school. I have seen the damage (to the kids, natch) that does.

   You have to suck it up and stay close to the other parent until the kid(s) head out on their own.

   However, when The Kid heads to college or wherever, I might be out of here, although maybe not permanently — I have created “family” here and have deep connections to so many. Just until the state gets its act together!

   Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Why are wives so mad?

5. Comment by MindyMom | March 3rd, 2009

   If I could move away and put even more distance between me and my exes I would go anywhere! And I’ve dreamed of it many times, BUT since I’m a mom and this is where my kids live and love it, this is where I will be. Probaly forever since by the time my youngest is 18 I will have had kids living with me for 32 years!

6. Comment by ditz | March 3rd, 2009

   Even moving a few miles away can be problematic if the kids have to change schools, since it pulls them out of the neighborhood and adds a school commute. I would love to move to a more affordable area so that I could buy a home, but its not going to happen unless I gave up school days with the kids.

7. Comment by debra | March 3rd, 2009

   It is a wonderfully indulgent dream, to think of how life would be if we were free to make the decisions we’d like to make that would make us the happiest. But realizing that our happiness is not the number one priority is what makes us good parents. You have created such a wonderful life for your children, one that I only wish I could provide my son. I think often, as I prepare to move closer to work this summer, what a gift it would be to my son to have both parents in the same neighborhood, but work schedules, commutes and the extended day care that would be involved makes it financially very difficult. Thank you, for the example you and your ex have set, it really makes me think long and hard about my decisions before I make them.

8. Comment by Vinomom | March 3rd, 2009

   I’m surprised everyone is so against the idea! It’s not as if the son isn’t an age where he could voice his opinions on the issue. I’m sure if he said “no way, I can’t deal with moving” DH would stay put.
   But how do you know he wouldn’t see it as a great adventure? Maybe he’s always wanted to get to know DH’s family better. Kids are resilliant, and they adapt quickly.
   I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want to be near your family and have a support system around you. I would bring it up with your son and get his input.

   Vinomom´s last blog post..In The Neighborhood

9. Comment by Honey | March 3rd, 2009

   I lived in 3 different states by the time I was 18 and I was fine (and by “fine” I mean salutatorian and a national merit scholar). I don’t think it’s a big deal except for the custody issues, but if he can work that out with his ex then I think it’s fine. In all the considerations for our moves when I was young, I don’t think whether or not my sister and I would find the move to our liking was ever even on the table. I think we coddle children too much today.

   But then again, this is just one of the many reasons I will never have children, so I am sure my advice is to be taken with a grain of salt.

   Honey´s last blog post..Top 10 Signs You’ve Become an Adult

10. Comment by SingleParentDad | March 3rd, 2009

    But by moving your boy you are effectively moving his mom, as in scenario 1). Perhaps the appeal of the west coast is even more as you are not there, and a move there by no means would guarantee you a nicer life, with or certainly without the children. How does your summer and your holidays work? Could you take the kids for the whole of the summer as a balance, staying with your family, or are there too many obstacles to that?

    SingleParentDad´s last blog post..Your Choice Kid

11. Comment by krn | March 3rd, 2009

    I’m with Vinomom on this one. If (a big if, but…), your son is also interested in moving and having the opportunity to spend time with your family, it’s worth a discussion with your ex. I think it’s a talk that the two of you, you and your ex, might want to have alone, though.

    We live near my family, but it’s a small community with much less to do culturally than what we’d become accustomed to in the other areas we’ve lived in. My eight year old is very aware of the compromises we make in staying here. And he “gets” the advantages of family love, help and support. He’d like to move when he’s older, so we often spend vacations scouting for our next new area.

    Our best to you and yours, Dad’s, whatever you decide~

12. Comment by dadshouse | March 3rd, 2009

    I guess the question is, are teens okay living full time with one parent? Maybe it’s even better for them? (Ha. Wishful thinking on my part, probably.) Vinomom makes a great point – my son might see the whole thing as an adventure.

    Of course, if my ex doesn’t see it as a positive, it’s all a moot point.

13. Comment by Dr. Leah www.singlemommyhood.com | March 3rd, 2009

    I would worry about any adolescent who would willingly move away from friends and his mom for “an adventure”. Of course, kids are resilient and adjust . . .ask any “military brat” or adult whose family was forced to move frequently. After all, what was their choice? These kids simply do their best to make it work.

    I can’t imagine any parent seeing “a positive” in losing physical contact with their child for long periods of time. Obviously, many parents are okay with that arrangement, however.

    Dr. Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post..Have you heard about the man who can’t even “buy” a date?

14. Comment by ilinap | March 3rd, 2009

    I tell you what, I grew up a child of divorce. I rarely saw my mom. Still don’t since she lives overseas half the year. The feeling of being left/neglected/abandoned have never left me (and I’m 40). I wish I had grown up around family. I wish my parents had worked out a joint agreement. I believe in the end, my mom just didn’t want us. She loves us but didn’t want to have kids chain her down at the time. Your children are damn lucky to have two parents and an extended family who cherishes them. The coast will wait. And then I’ll bring my brood for a visit.

    ilinap´s last blog post..Time Travel

15. Comment by PhenomenalMama | March 3rd, 2009

    My girls are only little, but I’m glad that my ex and I are both in positions where we have NO desire to leave the city that we are in (in fact, we only live two blocks apart!). I personally think that the best case scenario, though not always realistic or possible, is for kids to have access to both of their parents whenever they want/need it.

    It’s not an easy situation, that’s for sure.

    PhenomenalMama´s last blog post..“Why Can’t We All Live In The Same House Again?”

16. Comment by Cathouse Teri | March 3rd, 2009

    We are talking about the same damn coast here, right? :)

    I like what Vinomom said.

    As a child of the military, I can tell you that moving around can either make one feel constantly unstable or very adaptable. Hard to say. But people move all the time. Kids survive very well. But like Vinomom says, did you ask the kids? They might wanna do it!

    Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Just Another Of The Lights of My World

17. Comment by dadshouse | March 3rd, 2009

    Yes, same coast. A three hour drive or so. I’m just thinking aloud here. Though for me, the dream is a nice one.

18. Comment by Canadian Bald Guy | March 3rd, 2009

    I made the mistaken when I was younger (and simply not ready to be a father) to give permission to my daughter’s mom to move away with her new husband to another province. I’m in New Brunswick, she’s in Ontario. I only get to see her twice a year now (more if I’m REALLY lucky).

    If given the opportunity, I would never have allowed that to happen. My son lives in my city with his mom, and I get to see him multiple times every week…and I cannot believe I’ve allowed myself to miss so much of my daughter’s life. Thank god she loves me and misses me so much that she wants to live with me.

    But at the end of the day, I wouldn’t want any child to have to make a choice between parents that they didn’t really want to make.

    Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post..When it rains…

19. Comment by Shirley | March 3rd, 2009

    I have another perspective on the parent-moving topic. I moved last August from Sonoma County to the Bay Area, where I grew up and where my parents and brother/family still live. I had moved in 1992 to Sonoma County when I got married, and my kids lived there most of those years. I never felt at home there but it seemed a good place to raise kids. My ex’s mother and brother/family live there, so the setup was similar to David’s. However, there weren’t good job prospects for me there and I didn’t want to stay there another seven years until my youngest finished high school. In addition, the relationship was still quite co-dependent, with me holding it all together in a way that might have worked for all of the other players but did not work for me.

    So I moved to the Bay Area in August, after my oldest went off to college. My younger two kids (now 12 and 15.5) wanted to come with me. Before I moved, I had 50% custody—-now I essentially have them full time. They go to Santa Rosa every other weekend and on vacations. While the move was definitely difficult on all of us in different ways, as most moves are, I still feel it was the right thing to do. And even though their dad and I used to live next door to each other (yes, it’s true), the way we parented was so different they suffered from lack of continuity. Living primarily with me, they have the same experience every day of the week–expectations, homework help, rules, etc. And they have better schools, more of my family, more academic help from me, and one primary home. Moreover, my youngest daughter is still very close to her dad. If I had to do it over again, I would. Just another opinion…

20. Comment by Janet | March 3rd, 2009

    I guess it all depends on your kids and their mom’s feelings about it. Personally, it sounds like you’ve got a pretty awesome situation right now as far as your custody arrangement goes.

    I would fight like hell if my ex tried to move away with our son…but the situation is quite a bit different as our son is very young and we don’t currently share custody 50/50. (I have him the majority of the time.)

    I definitely can’t blame you for dreaming though! Sometimes I think about moving away too…or at least taking a looong vacation. :)

    Janet´s last blog post..February’s New Restaurant

21. Comment by katherine. | March 3rd, 2009

    I moved from southern California, (where my exhusband and his family live) to the Central Coast (where my family lives) the summer before my daughter started high school. I stayed there for several years after we split up so that he could be “down the road” for most of her childhood.

    Moving 350 miles definitely made it difficult for her and her dad to be as involved. They spent much less day to day time together…but she spent many a weekend and school break with him and his family. And my family was able to be around her for the last of her school years

    For me…if I had stayed in southern California until she graduated from high school…that would have always been her home. I am not sure if I could have ever escaped. By moving when we did…she truly (at 27) feels she has two home towns. And one of them is on the central coast.

    I just posted about going back for the first time…so the move has been on my mind a great deal lately. It is now and always was, the right decision for us.

    katherine.´s last blog post..playing "Telephone" and assuming the worst….

22. Comment by PT-LawMom | March 3rd, 2009

    I moved about 10 times with my family when I was growing up (my Dad worked for Mobil and they weren’t joking… ha,ha). It was incredibly hard. But the hardest move of all was in the middle of my junior year of high school. I was so angry and bitter and it really ruined my chances at merit scholarships. My brother moved six months earlier at the beginning of his freshman year of high school but it was no easier for him. He ended up dropping out and getting his GED because he never adjusted (we had moved from the suburbs to inner-city Washington, DC and the transition was just too difficult).

    I moved away from DC to three other states before returning and settling down to have my son and get married. When my parents left DC it took me a whole THREE WEEKS to put my house on the market and quit a job I loved so my son could stay close to them. ;) All of this is to say that being close to family is important. Kids thrive in that village, which isn’t to say you can’t provide it through good friends elsewhere but it takes time to build that. So now that I’m divorced, even though my parents and I drive each other nuts, I live in their garage apartment/poolroom and my son lives in their house and unless I get married again, I don’t see that changing because I know that any inconvenience for me is secondary to my son’s best interests. My ex-husband now seems to realize that, too, because even though he has farms in Guatemala and family up in Maryland, he is living in a dingy small apartment a few miles away so that he can see his son two days a week… for now, at least.

    Long story short… dream, but remember that sacrificing for your kids will pay off, even if they never recognize that sacrifice.

    PT-LawMom´s last blog post..Broken

23. Comment by Laura | March 3rd, 2009

    Ah this is a dilema I face currently! My folks want to move, I want to move and right now today my ex isnt involved so he isnt really a consideration!

    I personally couldnt live too far from my folks – the support is vital for me – even if I was in a happy r/hip and not living at home!

    Laura´s last blog post..The roses! The story!

24. Comment by Vinomom | March 3rd, 2009

    Dr Leah – I think that is a really odd comment about questioning a child who would willingly leave his friends and school. Depending on the child, and their current social situation being able to sort of “reinvent” yourself at a new school with kids who haven’t know you your whole life is an exciting prospect.

    There are a lot of interesting comments on here from all sorts of different backgrounds. But for one, no one is forcing the child to move, as compared to a military family or families that have to move for their jobs. Secondly, it is only 3 hours away, hardly insurmountable for visiting on long weekends, and special events. And thirdly, I would imagine if David’s son hated it he could probably choose to go back (I’m saying this judging on the history we’ve been given of both DH and his exes parenting styles) I don’t think abandonment would be an issue either. Not when the parent that is leaving wants to take him with you.

    Of course, as DH says, if the ex doesn’t agree it’s all a moot point.

    Vinomom´s last blog post..In The Neighborhood

25. Comment by dadshouse | March 3rd, 2009

    Vinomom – I want to come live near you! :-) Actually, there are a lot of readers I wouldn’t mind living near. Great advice and support. Much appreciated.

    Shirley – your situation resonates with me a lot. Thanks for weighing in.

26. Comment by badmuthablogger | March 3rd, 2009

    Hmmm.. food for thought. As the child of divorced parents living in different countries (Dad American, Mum British) I can honestly say that it was a mixed blessing. I lived with my mum, and only saw my dad once a year. But it was an amazing once a year, and we had adventures that were incredible. My trips over to America to spend a few weeks with my Dad were the highlight of my life. But it was painful too, and on the whole I would rather have lived closer to my Dad and had a proper relationship with him. It’s probably one of the reasons I’m damaged goods. What’s interesting is now history is repeating itself. I have a son with a British man, and yet I live in California. Should I move back to the UK so that our son can have a better relationship with his dad? Or should he move out here? It’s a big dilemma, and I’m giving it some serious thought…
    BTW – dads, I think you are doing a GREAT job as a parent to your kids. Very inspiring.

    badmuthablogger´s last blog post..Charlie bit my finger – again!

27. Comment by Cathouse Teri | March 4th, 2009

    I was forced to move (well, “forced” is a strong word… who is really forced?) 750 miles away from my youngest son (who lived with his father) when he was 16. That’s a 12-hour drive. I had a great job opportunity I couldn’t pass up. And as a mom who hadn’t worked for 18 years ~ so there was no job history ~ this was important. My daughter was living in LA by then, and my oldest son was living in Utah (where I was moving to). The plan was always that he would join me at the end of the school year. But then it was going to be at the end of the summer. And then the end of the first semester of the new year, and then the end of that school year, and then the end of the summer, etc. It never happened. I did visit a lot (every couple of months) and he would come visit me. My entire family lives where I moved to, so he loved those visits. But he especially LOVED LOVED LOVED California, where he grew up and he came to realize he just didn’t want to go. We stayed plenty close during that time. And I moved back when he was 18. (Incidentally, that job opportunity never panned out ~ which totally sucked.) He survived it just fine. It was hard, but life is just damn hard. You do what you gotta do. So when is it something you gotta do? THAT is the question of all questions.

    Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Just Another Of The Lights of My World

28. Comment by The Exception | March 4th, 2009

    We all ahve such vastly different experiences. Though I know loads of people who honestly want to bring up their kids with family close at hand, I know just as many who thrive with their kids hundreds or thousands of miles from family. Some kids thrive while moving while others don’t. For some parents, it is not possible to maintain a life in this or that area any more especially with the economy as it is. For some, it is an emotional strain to be a fish out of water. The most important gift we can give to our kids is our following our hearts and passions (I read that somewhere)… and for each of us that is entirely different. We are not sacrificing but giving ourselves and our children something different – or giving them ourselves. I have no doubt that dreams are nice and that the coast is calling but that DH will give his kids and himself the best experience possible – whether that be where he is now or somewhere else.

    The Exception´s last blog post..The Magic Inch

29. Comment by SDMktg | March 4th, 2009

    This is an interesting topic. My whole family is in San Diego and the kids’ mom and I live about 5 miles apart with the school in between us. Her family is in Denver. I have them just over half of the time and I am the one that is the most involved. If she wanted to move somewhere else it would be a battle. I really wouldn’t like it if she wanted to move without them either because they want her in their lives so much. If she won and took them with her I’m pretty sure I’d move to be closer to them. They’ll always be first in my life.

    Of course there’s nothing wrong with exploring the options and asking about it. 6 hours (3 each way?)is a lot of driving to visit your son if you are doing it frequently but some people wouldn’t mind.

    SDMktg´s last blog post..UPDATE: Jack’s waking up – Jack In the Box CEO Recovers?

30. Comment by Christina | March 4th, 2009

    Wow, we were (and still are) right in the middle of that. My husband’s Ex wants to move 70 km away from us and take the kids with her. Their situation is about a 55/45 split, and we were fighting her like hell. Their original separation agreement bound them to a 40km distance, which we’ve honoured every step of the way. We’ve recently come up with a reasonable solution (through mediation) but through this whole experience, I would say that kids are definitely better off with easy access to both parents. Never mind the rest of the family, its mom and dad they need. Everyone else is extra (unless mom or dad are absent and others have stepped in to fill those shoes).

    As a stepmom I think about how *I’m* limited in my geographical area and they’re not even my kids! I couldn’t take a promotion at work that would require me to move. So we’re all affected by a divorce with kids, not just the original bioparents. That aside, I adore them and have happily made this sacrifice for the unity of my family. But it can be tough for all of us.

    Christina´s last blog post..My wish list (click the title)

31. Comment by gr8 dad | March 4th, 2009

    this is a great forum and i have a very serous like wise situation problem with very little time to act. i am remarried now and my ex marrried a young military man who has a kid thats 10 somewhere else in the country. i have 7 and 10 year old daughters with my ex, and my ex just had another baby with military boy. i have my kids 3 days a week and half summers and half hoidays. my ex just told me they got orders to move 1000 miles away and there going for it. im so scared that i am going to lose my kids. i dont think i need a lawyer it almost seems a slam dunk to keep the girls here but i cant jump till she files the relocate papers. if i contest can the kids still leave the state during court fight? there just so many ?s to be asked here? we live in virginia and my wife and i are determined to keep these girls here were there roots and whole family are. any one with ideas or answers will be helpfull thx.
    a real good dad.

32. Comment by Cathouse Teri | March 4th, 2009

    All I can say (again) is that you really have to do what you have to do. The kids will be fine.

    Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Just Another Of The Lights of My World

33. Comment by Cathouse Teri | March 4th, 2009

    (And the battle between parents is the very hardest thing that kids have to deal with. They can adapt to anything. But when their parents are constantly battling, regardless of who is right or who is wrong or who is thinking of them and who isn’t…. to them, it’s simply a battle they do NOT want to be in.)

34. Comment by Myd | March 7th, 2009

    Reading all of these comments gave me a lot of perspective, but I’m still unsure as to what to do about my situation…

    I grew up on the East Coast and moved to California about 5 and a half years ago for graduate school. I was in a 2-year program and had every intention to move back East when I was done, but then life happened and I got married and had a child. Now we’re divorced and my son is 3, and I really want to go back home. My whole entire family is back there, I have no support in California and I’m just not happy where I am. The only reason I stay is for my son to be near his dad…I grew up without an active father, so I didn’t want the same to happen to my son.

    But if I really want to move, I think now is the time to do it, while my son is still young. I see many advantages to us moving back East, but I also know that means less time for my son to be with his dad and dad’s family.

    Any suggestions/thoughts would be helpful. Thanks!

35. Comment by dadshouse | March 9th, 2009

    Myd – that’s a tough one. I’m a huge advocate of dads staying involved, and I think it’s great you want your son growing up with both parents involved. I’ve also lived in the Bay Area for nearly a decade of divorce with no family nearby. Family is a strong pull.

    Is there any way your ex would want to move back east with you?

    I have friends who grew up without a dad in their life, only to have him resurface when they were adults. They try hard to let their dad be part of their life, but there can be an undercurrent of resentment that he was not around during their youth.

    I’d start by talking about all this with your ex. Maybe he understands how important your family is to you, and that you want to share that with your son.

36. Comment by April | March 9th, 2009

    I’d start with mentioning it to your ex, in much the same way you did here. Not that you’re committed to it, and you know it’s a long shot, but would she be willing to consider it at all? Certainly, kids have survived much worse, and 3 hours isn’t so long really. And if she’s willing, then talk to your son.

    April´s last blog post..Weekend Wrap-Up

37. Comment by Chuck | March 9th, 2009

    I’m currently in a situation where my son lives about 1000 miles from me. My ex and I decided that he was young enough (1 year old) when we got divorced that he wouldn’t know what it was like to have me around all the time. Plus, my ex could be with her family and my son could grow up with them. He is now 2.

    I fly down to visit him every 3 weeks for 3-4 days at a time and try to talk to him on the webcam whenever I can.

    I carry an incredible amount of guilt for not being around him more, but I’m not sure I would have any less guilt of being a “bad parent” even if I saw him every day.

    I had no father growing up and moved at least once a year and I’m very happy with my life, the only regret not being around all the time for my own son.

    Fortunately I’m in a financial situation where I can afford the trips to visit him and full child support, otherwise I’m not sure I would’ve allowed my ex to move away.

38. Comment by just cooked the sausages | April 7th, 2009

    The problem is that there are no clear cut answers to this question, and the more you think about it, the more things there are to think about…driving you a bit crazy! So just to add another thought; there are also plenty of examples of unhappy, unsettled kids coming from homes where the parents have stayed together or even just stayed in the same town. For example, I was deeply shocked to find that the daughter of the most happiest, well-off, stable family you could imagine (stay at home mom and everything) was self-harming. No one can understand it!
    I must admit I have an interest in seeing it from this angle as I would like to move away and that would mean putting a 1hr 50 flight between me and my daughter’s father. He has not been overly active as a parent, he doesn’t ring and child support hasn’t changed in 10 years! He picks her up every other weekend but always waits for her to make arrangements rather than instigating. He has rather a hippy attitude to life and is not overly concerned about earning money. It’s admirable in some ways but exasperating in others when you are seemingly shouldering the concerns about your daughter’s future. The country I live in is suffering heavily at the moment due to recession and I have an opportunity to move to Scandinavia where standards of living are amongst the highest in the world. My daughter is 12 and I so want to give her great opportunities. But, like you, am torn about whether it would really be ‘better’ for her. Again, like others in this post, I am sort of repeating a pattern in that my Dad moved away when I was young and my Mum left as soon as I was established. I don’t resent them now one bit (well Dad a little) but see them as inspiring me to have a go. Maybe that’s how the pattern gets repeated?
    I would definitely talk to your ex. No harm done there. She might be surprisingly receptive?

39. Comment by just cooked the sausages | April 7th, 2009

    I also agree that three hours is not long, especially as they get older. Also, they oviously have a good relationship with you that will be very hard to damage. These are strong bonds we are talking about.

40. Comment by Just sad about it all | May 15th, 2009

    Well my two cents — I had to move out of CA to buy a house. I had 50% custody of my daughter and did not want to leave without her, but court disagreed. So, she now lives with her Dad and Stepmom during the school year, and sees me all Holidays. Well, now Dad is moving, and while he starts his new job he is leaving her with Stepmom but refuses to let her see me. I am very frustrated, as if I were him, I would take her with me. She doesn’t have the best relationship with Stepmom, who is expecting baby #3 in August. I am remarried with one other child.
    It’s been very hard not to be with her, and if real estate went down where she was living we would have moved back.

41. Comment by Tina | June 2nd, 2009

    I share custody with my daughters father with me being the primary care taker 70/30 time share. I wanted to move to another county which is only 20minutes away with my boyfriend. Would the Judge allow this move or would I have to stay put. My daughters school will remain the same. Nothing with change except for the home.

42. Comment by Dawn | July 2nd, 2009

    Hi DadsHouse,

    I’m in a similar situation where I want to move to a tropical country with my partner and his son and bring my daughter. However, I could never take my daughter away from her father or do that to him since he is so involved. I am very fortunate that she has her father in her life and that he is as actively involved as he is, I would never want to change this. However, my partner is unhappy living where we live and wants to move but won’t because I can’t. I’ve tried to bring up the idea to my dd’s dad in terms of would he consider a move also, would he consider us taking her and he seeing her on holidays and during the summers. He has not been very positive about any option and I cannot think of a way to make it work. I feel more and more depressed, unhappy and unsatisfied every day and desperately want to move. I could NEVER fathom moving without my daughter so am stuck. The only option I can see is waiting until she’s graduated high school. She’s only 3 now, so 15 more years to go (she hasn’t even started school yet!). I think 6 years seems like a long time especially if you’ve been wanting it for a long time now, but 15 yrs is longer and I keep reminding myself the time will fly. The hard part for me is trying to convince my partner to try and enjoy life here for the next 15yrs (and myself) especially when his ex seems open to him taking their son.

    Dilemma’s. Life. As much as I agree that you have to follow your heart and your passion and show your children this important lesson, you also have to put your children’s best interests first and this is what you give up (your dreams) when you have children. Or at least you have to put them on hold. I think the children have access to both parents regularly and having that relationship is very important to their development in life. I would say wait the 6yrs to move, you’ve made it this long and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, so stick with it. I will try to be strong too, as hard as it is not to follow my dreams, passions and love.

    Good Luck and do let us know if you figure something out, because I’m always searching for creative ideas to making it work. (Maybe homeschool? 6 months of the year with me and 6 months with dad?) who knows! then you have sports and extra curricular activities to think about too…

43. Comment by Becky | July 17th, 2009

    Someone please help. My ex moved to Hawaii last year with his wife and son. We have two kids 14 yr old son and 9 yr old girl. They spent the summer there last year and they are there now for this summer. I got a phone call from my son a couple of days ago that he wanted to stay there to live with his dad. I’m crushed.

    I am having a very hard time with this because it’s so far away. The reason my ex moved there in was because he wanted to not because of a job transfer. I didn’t agree with it then and I still don’t agree with it. I feel both parents should be involved in the kids daily activities. He told me when they decided to move that I did a great job raising the kids and they’ll be fine. Now my son wants to move there to be with his dad. I know he misses him very much but I really dont think it’s in his best interest to move there for not only for this reason. (that’s just not a mother’s point of view) I know I would have a hard time with this even if ex lived here, but not near as bad.

    I don’t know what to do. Either I let him stay with his dad which is what he thinks he wants or I make him come home and possibly start a custody war. Should I sacrifice my loss to help with my son’s loss of his father? As a mother I don’t want to miss out on my child’s teen years. Those are very critical years, but then am I only thinking of myself? I’m not in a position that I could just hop on a plane to go see him play sports or go to awards ceremonies.

    I see so many comments on here the says both parents should stay close to the kids. I wish he felt the same.

44. Comment by dadshouse | July 17th, 2009

    Becky – I can relate to your feelings. I’d be devastated if my kids chose to live with their mom full time and I couldn’t see them. On the flip side, I’d love having them with me full time. It’s a tough spot, all around.

    I know a girl whose parents divorced when she was young and the dad moved away. The daughter stayed with the mom and step-dad, and visited the biological dad during summers. Once she became a teen, she decided she wanted to go live with her dad full time. The mom allowed it (I think for six months to see how it went), as she figured she couldn’t control her daughter forever. But I think even if the mom had objected, the courts would have allowed the daughter to go, as most teens are old enough to choose which parent to live with (at least in California, if I’m not mistaken.)

    I’ve heard the pull is even stronger for boys wanting to be with their dad during the teen years. It does not mean the mom did a bad job, or that the kids are trying to get away from her. At some point, some kids want that male presence. In your case, Hawaii might also be a strong attractor.

    If it were me, I’d probably involve a counselor to find out what the true reason is that your son wants to live with his dad. Custody battles are never good. I hope there’s a way to navigate your situation so that everyone feels valued and respected, and the end result is healthy. I do feel for your plight.

45. Comment by Justin | July 23rd, 2009

    I am actually going through a dilema similar to this right now. I am 23 and my wife/girlfriend of 7 years left me about 5 months ago. Since then I have only seen my kids (5 yo son, 3yo daughter) on weekends. However, since I have been unhappy with my job/commute for so long I am considering making a change by following my own dream and joing the Canadian Forces as an engineer for both the education and because it is something I have wanted to do and I feel it will make me happier person and therefore I would be a better father to my children when I see them. The training involved would take me away from them for a good chunk of time, then I would be stationed away from them as BC doesnt have a military base. I have considered all the ways I could stay involved through phone/webcam/visiting on all my leave. I would see them many times a year and try to be there for them as much as I possibly can. It is a really hard decision. It is basically do or don’t, what I want to do is something that should be done when I am still young. I would not consider myself a “deadbeat dad” as the article above put it, as I would make every effort possible to be a part of their lives, but I would also not be the same dad I would be by staying put. Is guess this is just me arguing with myself on the internet.

46. Comment by Stuck in Texas | August 2nd, 2009

    You can still be a very involved parent when you live in another state. I know because I did it. I was a noncustodial parent for ten years, and I used every vacation and holiday to be at my kids’ events and activities, attend parent/teacher conferences, or even just to have lunch at school with my kids once in a while. I communicated with the kids’ teachers, gave them stamped envelopes to mail me copies of report cards and school calendars. When I lived in another state, I was actually more “involved” with the kids school than the custodial parent. I don’t believe he ever took a day off work to have lunch with them. My relationship with my kids was actually closer and healthier when I lived in another state than when I moved back to Texas to live near them.

    So you would by no means be a deadbeat dad just by the fact of living far away from your child. You could be as involved as you want to be. The world is a very small place these days, with the Internet and cell phones and digital cameras and all the various ways to stay in touch. Physical distance need not be a hindrance between anyone who wants to be involved and close.

47. Comment by ShrimpieDad | August 3rd, 2009

    I hear you David. That’s a tough one I’m just beginning to go through. My daughter’s mother and I divorced last year after 4 years of marriage. We live in NYC and had always planned on moving soon after marriage. After we married though, and especially after my daughter was born, my ex began to grumble about leaving NYC and eventually put her foot down and refused to leave. My daughter was almost 2 by that time. This was just symptom of a lot of other problems and we eventually separated and divorced. With her mother’s refusal to leave Manhattan, my desire to get 50% custody, and the fact that my ex is a British citizen, the only way I could ensure I remain a daily factor in my daughter’s life was to make it a provision of the custody agreement that in order to keep custody, we both have to remain in Manhattan. I grew up in SC and moved here from DC. NYC is NOT where I want to live or raise a daughter but now I have no choice. Being with her is more important to me than where I live. Still, I miss nice people, affordable living, less focus on money and status, and jobs that require you to be on call 24/7. And the influences on kids here are ridiculous. While my daughter is only 3, I look at the older kids who live in our building and the maturity level and worldliness they have terrifies me. They don’t get a chance to be kids! I dream of her being able to run out the back door and play in the grass, climb trees, and walk next door to her friend’s house without me having to follow her every step. Doesn’t look like it’s going to happen though. I’m new at this and 15 year away when she goes to college is a LONG way off. :(

48. Comment by like sophie's choice | August 8th, 2009

    Sadly, many of you will think I am a horrible mother. After being married 6 years, the last 2 of which were in a different state than we were married in, moving back after having primary placement of my son (now 9)so he could be closer to his Dad, I don’t know what is right or wrong anymore.

    At the start of the divorce, he moved…left my son, and went back to original city. I stayed for a year, thought it would be better to be in the same city. (Also had 2 older girls from previous marriage). So the girls, my son and I moved back, leaving my mother and father. I had never really wanted to move in the first place. Here I was, moving back to where I thought everyone would be best off.

    After 5 years of horrible attitudes, and verbal abuse from my son’s father, I have recently left, and moved back with my older daughter who wants to attend college here, where I was born and raised, and my family lives.

    Court battle after court battle…ridiculous games, trying to make ends meet and keep some peace. I have given up, and cannot go on like this. The stress was getting to my son, and to me. I would rather have him be with his dad and “new step mom” most of the time, and see him for longer periods…summer, breaks, and holidays, than a couple days, where we do not even have enough time to converse between after school care, dinner, homework and bath.

    It doesn’t matter if you are the mom or the dad, someone gets the shaft when you move. But, in the end…how do the real people out there who absolutely DO NOT get along with the former spouse fair? It would be great, if we could all get along, and not be controlling, or manipulative, or verbally abusive. Unfortunately, this is not always the case…hence the divorce. I cry every day for the time that I will miss with my son, but when times are stressful…is it worth it, year after year? Dad will never change, and I have learned after DV counseling that sometimes it is better to move on with our lives, even if it means a new city. Some day my son will understand why, if he doesnt already know…why I left, and why I chose to help his sister who has struggled also. I simply am unable to be in two places at once. Tired of the control, and arguing.

    I guess in the end, Dad has “won” again, and without fair options in the court system, I end up looking like a horrible mother. I love my son more than anything, but having an even tolerable relationship with his father and new wife is just not in the picture. So many more details left out, it would take way too long to explain everything. It has barely been a week away, and it feels like a month. (Less stress = broken heart).

49. Comment by Sasha | August 18th, 2009

    My son (age 37) is divorced and has four small boys, oldest 9 years. He gets upset when I discuss this, probably trying to block it out, so that is why I am the one sending this. He does not know.

    During his marriage, his wife was jealous of everything that he did, including having fun with his kids. She would physically attack him because he had to work and could not be there much so that he could support them as well as pay child support for a child she had with someone else and support a child that he had before he married, so that is six people. She would not work on his day off where he would have watched the children. My son loves the boys and he works and works to pay the support for them.

    Much more, but to get to the point, She has just recently been beaten up by the man that she had babysit the boys and he is in jail. She has moved to Victorville with the boys suddenly which is more than 100 miles away from their father. My son works all night on Fridays which would mean driving 100 miles on no sleep, picking up the boys, travelling back 100 miles, having them for the night in the shared housing he has with friends, and starting off on the trip back to Victorville again so he can get them back in time, then travelling back 100 miles. The kids would be sitting forever in the car and basically the whole weekend would be travelling with a dad operating on no sleep.

    They love their dad and look forward to seeing him. The ex-wife and kids just moved and already my son has missed the visitation. She is supposed to meet him half-way, but her car has been towed due to her not making the payments.

    I am positive that she moved far because of her jealousy and is punishing my son because he could not deal with her anymore and finally left after she smashed his daughters school picture because he visited her at Christmas. This after years of abuse. There was no reason for her to move so far. There is no family there and she is not going there for employment.

    My question is – Can she move 100 miles away from the father making it impossible for him to be involved in their lives? This is in the same state. Is it just when the ex moves to another state that they need the courts permission or is it when the distance is too far with no real reason for moving there. She said it was cheaper.

    My son does not own a home and I live in a senior apartment complex so unless there is a way, they, for now, will have to stay with their mother and she is not likely to give them up easily even though they know she abused my son and was beaten up by this man. Incidentally, she has visited this man in jail who will be out in May or sooner, so I am concerned that he will move to Victorville. He has used the belt on my grandchildren and the mother made scratch marks down one of the kids faces. My son reported this and she was visited by child services.

    Do you know, though, all I can do is worry. What else can be done. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

50. Comment by mike | September 2nd, 2009

    Sasha,

    Every state has its own rules concerning moveaways. Your son should ask an attorney. And yes, she probably did it so she could have all the control because of the jealousy issue.

    On another note…I am glad to find this site! If anyone wants advice or wants to ask questions about divorce/custody, please ask. MY ex tried to move away and I won custody! Now she lives 1000 miles away (not far enough) and I get to walk my son to school every day!

    David, I would like to compare notes with you sometime on being a single dad! It is difficult, but not as hard as people would think listening to all the single moms whine all the time.

    mike

51. Comment by Paula | September 5th, 2009

    I am on the other side. Filed for divorce after discovering adultury/long term affair with woman who is or was a scout commissioner from son’s former scout troop in neighboring county. Had experienced years of rejection; withholding of affection (no cuddling, handholding, sitting shoulder to shoulder, or kissing),no support;little time given to home and none to relationship although tons of time to scouts; no desire to behave like friends;no validation; him trying to make me think I was unreasonable or crazy when I then asked if he was in love with someone else or having an emotional or sexual affair; frequent disparaging remarks and rejection; minimal sex for entire marriage, no sex with him allowing me to believe the problem was physical on his part or depression most of the time but when I noted he did not act depressed in front of others telling me he was just the type of person who did not need sex, and the idea of sex was repulsive, and he did not like woman although denying he was gay.(On meds but is really a clown, funny often, entertaining and the life of the party just about everywhere but at home – and he flirts with women and seems to enjoy working with them very much.)It turns out he has known his mistress for 8 plus yrs. – although I suspect for other reasons – old and recent writings but all recently discovered that he is is bisexual or homosexual – possibly using her for a cover or for a place to live if he’ll need it,or a place to stash money and things he has hidden away in preparation, or just for sex, or for drugs, or loves her but is bisexual, or needs a cover for being homosexual. I won’t go into all reasons for saying these things, but it is not baseless. However, sexuality and affair have no bearing on custody, and I’m not saying it should if it does not affect the child. MY CONCERN IS CUSTODY AND WILL HE MOVE. I CAN FORGIVE THE AFFAIR, BUT HAVE NOT YET FORGIVEN THE WAY HE IS HANDELING THE AFTERMATH OF DISCOVERY AND THE DIVORCE BECAUSE IT IS A CURRENT BATTLE. I do not want it to be a battle, but both must want to cooperate. He just threatens. I also have a protective order for him choking me, but I got away before any marks- although were obvious when I and my older son looked hours later. Scenario – Dad with prior knowledge our marriage would end alienated me from scouts, I believe criticized me to gain sympathy, was involved enough to have some good character witnesses with people in scouts he parties with, plays in a band with etc.

    Now he may move out of state to keep his job with Boeing, technically may be considered off site with paycheck coming from facility in another state, but 10 yr old son has only ever lived in Maryland near my family. 10 yr old son loves both Mom and Dad. Older son is in fact in a college dorm in PA and will be closer to Dad than Mom if Dad is transferred. 18 year old son said he thought it would be better for me to have custody, but I know he is dependent on Dad for college, and although he is aware of the affair and a little troubled by his fathers’ recent behavior and aware his father wasn’t so nice to me, and knows his father has been away a lot and coming home with empty beer bottles in the trunk of his car and hes seen him drunk at a gig his band played at I do not expect him to say he was a bad father. Father mopes around and for six months spends much less time with his younger son than he used to, possibly to make younger son want him more. This was extreme the last two weekends spending up to 20 hrs of my sons waking hours unavailable to him. Dad still lives in house and won’t leave – saying he wants custody, an days he will say I’ve abused him verbally and emotionally for years, and he will make me pay for the divorce and he will get the house. Boeing would buy the house if it would not sell at the price we paid for it in 2003. If he is transferred back to Philadelphia he could temporarily live with family. He now denies the once admitted affair and takes the fifth. He falsly claimed in response to interogatorries my son is very AFRAID of me. I make about $62,000 and get paid for 32 hrs per week but have to work 40 hrs to get it, would probably work 50 hrs to get paid for 40 hrs but they have no openings for a 40 hr. position. I have no company paid benefits but due to physical job needing four limbs – not allowed to work with cane, crutch or arm cast for instance – I must now buy expensive disability insurance so I can afford shelter if I sprain an ankle, and I’ll pay about five times the cost of the full time employees for health care because they have no full time openings. In my profession, anything higher paid would be longer hours, evening, weekend or holidays, and likely unethical practices in an unstable work environment – for instance the home health company I worked for previously shifted my territory to another county and then closed the office covering the county I was hired to work in placing me too far away from my son’s school. The nursing home I worked at previously- has changed contracted rehab companies a few times since I worked there as have other nursing homes in the area. In the previous hospital I worked at I was already at the maximum pay I could make with no raises given to anyone who made what I made, and published salary ranges show I was at the max for other hospitals as well. He gets approx. $30,000 in free health care for him and the kids (one son in college)and other benefits that will not affect child support, and makes &103,000.00 a yr. and is guaranteed a raise each yr. The scouting community see him as a great contributor and he said they will be his character witnesses. He alienated me and thwarted my participation in scouts (remember his scouting mistress), but I was involved in piano, taekwondo, and went on field trips, did school parties but not the same ongoing working relationships with other parents that scouts involve. Often the same parents aren’t at each party or field trip for instance. I was very involved with my children, but due to my husbands’ extreme social schedule, his need to leave the house at 4:45 AM to see his mistress but telling me he had to get to work early,and my work schedule where I went in later so as to avoid too much AM childcare with husband more often than me picking them up for about 3 and a half of the last 10 and a half years. (relatively recently just not the last 6 months) The problem is this did not ever involve the same kind of cooperative parental participation or parental involvement that scouts does and the socializing that planning for camps and camping for a week with the same adults you see week after week does. Therefore, I do not have as many nonfamily member character witnesses he does. He is relying heavily on scouts, his steady higher paying job (I had changed mine for the children over the years as we moved or their school schedule changed etc. but have been in the same job for 3 yrs now), and seems to believe his charity work (primarily performing in a band for contributions only he says at private parties and churches and county fair) Meanwhile I am afraid to go to the gym because he is claiming I am selfish although 2008 was the first time I ever joined a gym and did not go more than 20 times and now I cannot go because he is away so much I have to be with my son – there is no way I have had time to do charity work because he is too busy socializing, going to band practice 2 times a week and band gigs sometimes two times a weekend, and scout meetings that he goes alone to without my son and visits to the mistress 5 or more times a week, and sponaneous trips out of the house to mysterious places, including parks.

    We live in Maryland. Will they likely give him sole custody based on what I have said the following: 1) My son is a boy that is the only child at home and getting older – 11 yrs I believe by the time the divorce is final. 2)He has a higher paying job. 3)He has been involved in scouts and I’m sure will have many scout leaders say what a great Dad he is. 4)He he has helped my brother-in-law with Christmas in April where homes are fixed up for others. 5)If I work full time I will actually have to work more hours (He can even leave work in the middle of the day for afternoon delight and then return to work – as a P.I. has caught him leaving the mistresses home a couple of times – but did not stay to see her leave or capture PDA so it might not be legal proof.)

    Do I have any hope? In the absence of proof that my husband is doing drugs I don’t think I would get sole custody, and the P.I. said even if he filmed him taking something from someone, it would not prove what he took or handed off and the police would never get there in time, and could not search without a warrant…. And homosexual sex is not adultury in Maryland, and even prostitution that is hidden from the child does not mean the child would be taken away. The lawyer said the court ordered drug tests don’t work because the people have enough warning to clear the drugs from their system – they are not random apparently.

    Will the fact that he may need to move to keep his job lead the courts to give him, with the higher paying job and health care, sole custody, or shared physical custody with an arrangement that allowed him to take my son from state?

    I’m sorry this was so long. Any suggestions are appreciated?

52. Comment by Tom | September 15th, 2009

    I have a dilemma. My ex-wife fought tooth and nail to move out of state with my kids. Everyone told me that apparently she had a boyfriend she wanted to be with and i didn’t believe it. Well, she’s lived there not quite 2 months and she and my kids have gone camping overnight (overnights are forbidden in our agreement) and now it looks like she’s planning to marry him… do i have any recourse against her for lying in court papers as to why she wanted to move?

53. Comment by TP | September 21st, 2009

    My ex lives in So. California, where I am from originally. He works as a massage therapist in a resort town and makes plenty of cash under the table.
    We were married 10 years and he never paid any mind to me or his son. In fact, my son almost drowned once at 3 years old when I went to work and his dad was supposed to be watching him. He decided after 10 years of my supporting him, that he wanted to “find himself” and did not know why he wanted to be married in the first place. We divorced 5 years ago and then I relocated to the Bay Area because my adult son was seriously ill and needed my help.
    My older son is fine now, and I finally have a once in a lifetime great paying job. My son J only saw his dad on long school breaks and 1/2 the summer. His dad never came to the Bay Area to see his son, his son’s school, etc, I had to send my son on the plane to see his dad. We did this for 4 years. Last year when my son was 12, he went to spend 1/2 the summer with his dad and the other 1/2 with my mom. When it was time to start school, my mom and son said they wanted him to attend only 7th grade in my mom’s So. Cal. city (located 1 hour from my son’s dad) so my son could finally bond with his dad and my mom would not be all alone. I agreed so my son and my ex could bond. Hid dad takes him to visit him twice per month and his new live in girlfriend has a boy my son’s age, so the boys play video games and stuff together. Well, my son spent 7th grade with my mom and was able to visit his dad and now that I want him to return home, he is saying I don’t care about him because I want to ruin his happiness. He likes seeing his dad (and dads’s girlfriend’s son), he likes living with Grandma and being the only one being doted on, and he likes his school. He wants me to quit my job and move to his Grandma’s town so he can stay at his new school, see his dad (now his dad hangs out with him because he is easy to take care of and keeps my ex entertained), and have Grandma move in with us. I am trying to buy a home for us in the Bay Area so we can stop being perpetual renters and have long term stability, plus my job of 5 years is here. With today’s economy, I won’t find another job unless I take a drastic pay cut and then I’d need to work 2 full time jobs to pay for a home to rent, and I’ll never have another opportunity to buy another home again if I make way less money (I won’t be able to qualify for another home if I quit my job and move). Plus I’m over 50, and it’s hard enough finding a job anyway, let alone being older.
    I’m losing my mind trying to do what is right but I can’t support us without my job. My ex never pays child support and hides his money so don’t even go there about taking him to Court or getting support. He didn’t support us when we were married, and he hasn’t changed a bit except now he wants to be a “friend” to our son when it is convenient for him. Should I make my son move back to the Bay Area, keep my job and buy us a cozy home to live in, plus my mom said she would move here too. Or, move back to So. Cal so he can see his dad and stay in a school he loves?

54. Comment by Jim | October 1st, 2009

    My wife went to her hometown for a funeral two weeks ago. Every time she goes to leave her son tells her he wants her to say and he will live with her if she gets a place (she has no job and has to get HUD housing). He doesn’t want to leave that city and move here, we had him down during the summer, and he is 15. She gets upset wanting to do what is right for her son, but we live in another state. I want my wife to come home and I think she does too, but her son makes her feel guilty for leaving. We have only been married a month. We all need to know what others think for this situation and to have peace with that answer. Her son or I will be hurt if she chooses on over the other, and she will be hurt not matter what decision she makes. We just don’t know what to do now. Stay with him and divorce me, or come home and take a chance it will ruin her relationship with her son. Thank you.

55. Comment by Arenee | November 19th, 2009

    .. I moved away from my 5 yr old son. he lives with his father and I live two states away. I felt the need to move only because I had and have opportunity to make something of myself and earn a living wage where I am now. I feel that if I could provide for my son as a single parent in the state he lives in, I would absolutely move back. I’ve been trying to find an online support group or something to talk to people who are in similar situations.. I cant find anything. I speak to my son every single scheduled time, i send money on a regular monthly basis, pay half of medical and school expenses and visit as financially feesable. He is supposed to live with me in the summer, I’ve been away for 6 months. Your situation is the closest I’ve come to finding someone similar to mine. which isnt very close. I jsut want some feedback really.. I have no idea if I should have stayed there now, and lived in poverty, or if this was the better choice. thanks.

56. Comment by NicH | December 15th, 2009

    I live in Oregon and I have no family and very few friends here since my divorce 2 years ago. My 12-year-old son is very settled and taken care of with his dad, and I am moving to Southern California and wherever my airline career takes me. I feel strongly that my boy needs his mother, but reality is that he lives with his dad, and that continuity and stability is there for him. I am always going to be his mother and have his best interests at heart. I will always visit him in Oregon every 6-8 weeks for a few days at a time, and have him visit me when my home is set up. I will always call him 1-3 times a day and let him know I care and love him enough to not take him from his environment. Moving from him is hard, but it’s harder to live somewhere that I am not happy, where I feel lonely and that life is not worth living, in the sense that I am working to exist in an environment where I do not want my home to be. I want my son to see me strong, happy, settled, stable, and as an example of success in doing what makes me feel whole. He makes me whole because he is alive. I wish we could all be together, but divorce changed all that. These days and times and years will be gone forever, but chasing them and hanging onto them with unstable motives makes them difficult and unpleasant. I would rather our time be quality, pleasant, and worth waiting for.

57. Comment by stuck in texas 2 | January 17th, 2010

    Here’s my story:

    I was very unhappy in my marriage of 10 years…long list of reasons. I have four children: Ages 9, 8, 6 and 4. In July of 2007 I left them. I had postpartum depression really bad…and leaving made me feel healthy again…I got divorced and found the love of my life in Maine. I lived in Maine for 2.5 years and went back every few months to visit the kids and they were with me and my boyfriend for the Summer. I had a blast when I had them. Well, I felt like I needed to move back to Texas to be near the kids. I moved back to Texas in October 2009. I am frickin’ miserable. I left the man I loved and the life I created in Maine-The kids are very resilient. My ex husband is the primary custodian and does not need my permission to relocate geographically. He has mentioned on SEVERAL occasions since I’ve moved back that he’s probably moving-he isn’t sure where yet. I moved to Texas to be near the kids BUT…I can’t play these games. He will never give me full custody/the kids. As of now, I have joint custody–but, obviously it’s limited. He’s allowing me to have them 4 nights a week. (So, I have them more than he does at this point…and I pay child support). I just found out a month ago that the profession I work in will not give me reciprocity for my license and requires me to go back to school.

    My decision is this:
    1. I will not go back to school and get a license in a state that he will up and leave whenever he relocates for a job–been there done that…hence, the divorce. Why put in the time, effort and $$ to go to school and grow roots here when he will leave.

    2. The love of my Life is in Maine. Yes, the kids have enjoyed me being back…but I am miserable..PERIOD. Their dad is an AWESOME Father…and I wouldn’t even THINK of taking the kids from him or pursuing that. I will go back to the original arrangement of me living 1900 miles away…visiting them every four months and having them for the summers. I am happier and healthier that way…and the kids will still have somewhat of a stable environment with Dad and get to look forward to their Maine Visits with Mom and Boyfriend and his son.

    3. I feel like I came back and tried this…and if I wouldn’t have I would have always wondered if I did the right thing by staying in Maine and not trying to make it work in Texas. Now that that is laid to rest I feel like I can get back to the life I started in Maine…and be the healthy mom from afar. When I did live so far away…I talked to the kids everyday…sometimes two/three times a day. I emailed their teachers, mailed the kids little special care packages and even the ex would send pictures they would draw for me (when he was in the generous type spirit).With the job I have, I have clients…I have my Maine license and a small clientel base there. I need to stay somewhere and grow roots…In the ten years we were married we moved about 15 times…I am tired of it. So, even if the Ex husband keeps relocating…they can at least be reassured that mom is in Maine and isn’t going to relocate. I can only hope that they will know I love them and forgive me one day. They are healthy, resilient, happy kids…who have bounced back from a lot!

    I just need advice on how to tell them :(

    Thanks,
    Stuck in Texas 2

58. Comment by mags | January 26th, 2010

    You are an unselfish and loving parent, unlike my ex husband who was relocated for work and chose to fight me to take my daughters away from me out of state. The courts found that since he earned 3 times more than me, they’d be better off. We had 50-50 custody, I asked my girls if they wanted to stay here or go. They both said it’d be too hard if they had to decide. So, I didn’t want to make things harder on them by fighting any further.

    I wish my ex and his new wife, who has a problem with blonde, blue eyed, women who have nice figures (me!) would’ve been as thoughtful as you when considering the girls feelings.

59. Comment by Sasha | February 10th, 2010

    I sent in a comment before – #49 – Sasha.

    My son’s ex-wife is still in Victorville. A new boyfriend has moved in with her. I believe that the last man that beat her up is still in jail. The four boys, 10 years and younger are still with this lady who physically and mentally abused their dad. The 8 year old has been scratched on the face by his mom who was frustrated, and two weeks ago was hit on the head with the hard part of a hairbrush for not brushing his hair.

    The 5 year old yelled at his teacher and the youngest, 4, bit his brother. She has an anger problem which has been documented. Her oldest son from another man was taken from her because she was an unfit mother.

    My son now wants custody of them. Why did he not try this before if he knew she was abusive? This is what one attorney asked him. When he was married to her he was working, working, working to support their four, his daughter from another woman, and her son, also his wife and trying to pay the rent, etc. She screamed and physically hit him for being gone (at work) and made his life hell. He knew only to keep working to keep things going. She would not work even one day a week and he just knew he had to keep on working. He was driving and gone for a week at a time. He did not know how the children would live if he did not keep working and he gave her a chance to take care of them and did not miss a single child support payment.

    He now wants to get his children even though he has to stay with friends which would give them a more stable environnment than what they are in. He has been told that he should wait until something more serious happens by one attorney. He has been given conflicting information.

    Does anyone have advice as to whether he has a chance to get them back? Does he have to wait until the children get really hurt, although emotionally this has already taken place? The ten year old has watched his dad being screamed at and hit, has moved to about for different schools, saw his mom being beaten up and also went to jail with his mom to visit the man that did this, and now who knows what this new man is like that has moved in. Because of her temper he may not be able to tolerate it and hopefully will not harm the children.

    Any advice on my son’s chances would be appreciated.

    My son is not aware of this website. I will let him know I have sent in comments and hopefully he will read and perhaps send something in.

    Sasha.

60. Comment by Matt | February 11th, 2010

    It is very hard no matter how you slice it. If you stay close, you lose, if you leave, the kids lose. I am a divorced dad of two young kids, my son is 2 and daughter is 5. I stayed put becuase of my job and my ex-wife left with the kids and moved 400 miles away. Now at most I get to see my kids once a month and that is about it. I made the decision to stay as their mom never worked and I am still supporting the kids and their mom. But some days, I it feels so bad to be so far away from the kids. I have been doing it for a year or so, don’t know how I can be this far away for much longer.

61. Comment by Stephanie | February 22nd, 2010

    Huh. My husband and I were living in Spain for his work when he stood up and 1am and flew to England (I am Canadian, he is British), stating he had been dating a 21 year old for the past few months (he was 39). Our son was 18 months old. Not only did he uproot himself, he left me in a horrid position, having to decide whether to return to the UK (so our son could be close to his father), to Canada (where MY family is) or to stay in Europe where I had a stable job. In the end my mother came to Spain to help me out for a year while I kept my job and searched for more permanent solutions – my ex husband saw zachary on weekends every 2 months or so until he was nearly 3, and after we returned to Canada, he visited him once. Now Zachary is almost 5 and we are going to the UK for him to “meet” his daddy’s family,a nd I am disgusted by the whole process. How ANY father could leave his child in another country is beyond me. If it were not for teh fact that my ex husband pays me 1000.00 every month I would seriously be questioning the extent to which this man deserves contact with the son he left in Spain when he was 18 months old. Any ideas? I’m seriously curious to hear other people’s thoughts on this. And yes, he contributes financially, but so do I. nobody says “wow, Steph is a GREAT mom, she cares for her son financially every month!” Curious to see if anyone has any opinions on our situation. Have a good day!

62. Comment by Stephanie | February 22nd, 2010

    p.s. especially curious to hear Dad’s side of things; from what I can read here there are few of you who could stand to be away from your kids.

    [ Ed. Note: here's a post describing Stephanie's situation, with commentary by Dad's House readers - http://dadshouseblog.com/2010/02/23/dad-moved-away-and-now-he-wants-back/ ]

63. Comment by Nicole | March 6th, 2010

    My husband and I are in a similar situation. He has two kids in middle school and we have one together. Living in SF is $$$, schools are horrible and the city is rough and dangerous. I do not want my children raised here so we are looking to relocate to the Pac NW. We have 40% custody and can retain that same time with a few extended weekends, spring break, thanksgiving break, 1/2 winter break and all of summer. You don’t have to sacrific your new families happiness and finaces if you can be clever enough to work the visitation schedule. The kids love the idea of keeping the time but being given the opportunity to explore an entire new part of the country. Our cost of living will be lower 35% giving us more expendable income to use towards all of our kids. Dads don’t give up! My husband is not guilty one bit and neither am I. We owe it to our kids to provide them with a good home not to squeeze into an small and very expensive apartment just for his two kids who don’t care anyways.

64. Comment by SoCalGirl Lost in NC | March 8th, 2010

    I am facing a similar dilemma. I am from California but married in the military to a guy from North Carolina. Now I want out. The South is just not for me and when things go bad (divorce) you just want to go home.

    I have three munchkins age 4 and 2. I use the logic that if I am gonna go I better go now. Its early and like another parent said, they wont remember as much when they are younger. Almost like wanting your kids to forget you :0(

    But I have found encouragement in so many others posts. You just have to do what you have to do. My heart aches all the time because I don’t want to be here but I am torn because I love my kids and know that no one loves them like I do.

    And the bottom line is that if it does not work out I can move back. It is just that after so much sacrifice for a marriage that fell apart I need something for me and it would be worse to resent my own children because I made them into ball and chains. If I am happier, they will be happy.

    And I agree with “Stuck in Texas”. You can be as involved as you want to be.

    Plus, my ex and I are agreeing to switch out their school years periodically until high school at which point they will need to stay put in one place.

    Life is complicated and I had to go between parents to. I just hope that it will be an adventure for them to be able to spend time in So. Cal. They need to know my family too. . .

    We just have to make our decisions and see how things go. Good luck to all you worried parents who love yours kids so much to worry at all ;0)

65. Comment by Kenneth Duckworth | March 8th, 2010

    My situation is this. I am a Foreign Service Officer, i.e. State Department and like the military I am “deployed” every 2 -3 years to another country. I am now preparing to be “deployed” once again, and have decided to file for divorce from my wife who has been abusive – both physically and verbally towards me – for the past six years. I intend to file for custody of my 11 year old daughter – actually joint custody with my being the primary care giver. However, this would necessitate my daughter moving overseas with me for the next 2 – 3 years. I do not want to sever her relationship with her Mom, but at the same time it is not healthy for her to be in the same home with someone who is so short-tempered that she will physically assault me, including spitting on me and cursing worse than an angry sailor, over something as trivial as a spilled cup of coffee, will use language that would make a sailor blush in front of my daughter, who has repeatedly cheated on me (3 times a charm!), is only tangentially involved in daughter’s day-to-day activities and on occasion has called daughter “stupid” and “useless.” Does anyone have experience in a similar situation and advice they can share?

66. Comment by mags | April 11th, 2010

    Sasha, tell your son to write down every event that you spoke of along with dates even approximate dates of the abuses from the kids mom and step ‘dad’. And get a new lawyer! Also document how many moves she has made causing the children to change schools. this establishes that the children don’t have any security in their environment.

    He also needs to go to the school and speak to the teachers regarding the living situation, make them aware of where the children are coming from, and make an appointment with the school psychologist to have the children evaluated. Make no secret to the psychologist about what your son suspects, they will take it seriously, it’s their job to report on these matters.

    Have any CPS reports been filed? Do it before something serious happens.

    File a motion after everything is documented, school psychologists are called, so that you have something to bring to court…just make sure your son’s side of the street is clean..custody battles are brutal and everything will be pulled out..but people make mistakes, use humility, and show a responsibility to change if need be.

    He should also enroll in parenting courses, if he gets the kids he should be prepared, the judge will also be more likely to award custody if he feels your son is taking this responsibility seriously.

    And pray for him and your grandkids!

67. Comment by Dane | April 11th, 2010

    Thank you for all the posts of experiences. This has helped me this evening. I am a remarried father of 3 elementary schoolage children. I am a 50/50 parent and raise them completely differently from their bio mom. Bio mom and myself moved to current depressed area years ago and it is long past the time we should have moved back to family.

    The timing is right, me and kids are very welcome into my wife’s family and bio mom is set to graduate nursing school. I have proposed she move to her home city by her family and i move to my wife’s family area. I will insist on summers and holiday’s with kids. But it will be hard to let go of the control as a dad. 1000+ miles. The tears are close to the surface.

    Presently the every two days switcharoo, me living in a 2 BR condo barely scraping by, constant legal garbage over money its going to kill me if stay around here. Bio mom’s family no doubt has tried to financially break me into agreeing to this. But why fight it? My kids love me. They love where i might move.

    If i chose to move I will discourage my son from ever trying to live with just me – the father. The siblings must stay together.

68. Comment by keri | April 21st, 2010

    I am so glad i found this site. It has been very helpful. I am in a delima myself. I have physical residence and my two kids 11&12. There father sees them three weekends a month and one weekday night dinner. My issue is that I intend to go to graduate school next fall. This would require me moving out of state becuase the state I am in does not offer the program i need. My other issue is that my husband is a paraplegic and he needs to move to warmer climate for health reasons. I am torn in what to do. I know my ex will put up a fight. If the courts tell me i cant move i dont know what to do because I love my kids dearly. I want whats best fro them and i dont want to hurt them. Do I throw my career aspirations that i have been working towards out the door or leave my kids with there father? What about by husbands health? I will fight till the end to take them with me but there is always that what if. I am willing to let him having them summers and vacations which is more than he has them now.We are also not moving some place where we dont know anybody. We want to move close to the area I grew up. I have a big family so family support would not be an issue. Any suggestions?

69. Comment by JMM | May 3rd, 2010

    I have a similar problem. I got divorced about 6 years ago. I have two children with my first wife. My children are 7 and 5. My ex and I live in the same town and within a few miles of one another. I got remarried about 2 years ago and we are expecting our first. My new wife and I are originally from the same town which is about 4 hours from where we live now. My wife and I want to move back to our hometown where we both have an extensive family and lots of friends. Fact is, the only reason we are still where we are now is my two. My job would allow me to work from both spots and I have the financial flexibility to maintain a place here if we decide to move. I have thought about how it would work if I planned to spend 1 week per month here and have my kids live with me during the summers and hollidays. The option of my kids moving with me is not an option so it would purely be my sacrifice. For those of you who have been through such a situation, does it really work or am I simply “dreaming”?

70. Comment by SKK | June 14th, 2010

    I am fighting this situation myself. My ex and I have joint custody and get along well and arrangements are great. I am desperatly trying to move back to my hometown but my kids (11 & 12.5) cannot leave the province we are currently in(custody agreement). Their father is very involved in their life and is a great dad. I dont want to take that away. Does it make me a bad mother if I move and allow the kids to stay with their dad during the school year and have them visit me in 3 provinces away in summers and holidays?

71. Comment by Chanel | June 16th, 2010

    Ugh…I am in the EXACT same spot!! I hate that I am stuck in this city I hate and my family has all moved away to Amazing placed…I could pick any of them just to try it out! But I’m here in the “arm pit” of Texas because I felt guily when I divorced and agreed to stay here! What was I thinking and how do I ever fix it!! Good Luck…my only advice is do what you can live with. Because it’s really hard to live with regret…especially when it comes to your kids! Good Luck!

72. Comment by JMM | June 26th, 2010

    SKK and Chanel – I feel your pain. I too have almost 50/50 custody. My children are 7 and 5. Im really torn with what to do. On the one hand, I know the children appreciate (or will appreciate) the fact that I live near and I see them every week. On the other hand, the quality of life for my new wife and I in this town is horrible. We have no social network at all and (due to my divorce and those circumstances), I feel as though this town is against us. Both my new wife and I are from about 4 hours away from here. Both our families and friends are there and we constantly here about all the great things going on there and how great life is there. It really makes me angry sometimes. My issue is not so much if we move but when. My thought is if we move now or relatively soon (within a year or so) the kids are still young enough to adapt and grow accustomed to longer times apart. My fear is if I wait until they are say 10 12-15, they will feel as if I have abaondoned them. Lastly, if I wait until they are out of high school, I will be over 50 years old and will have missed out on “the good years” with my family and friends back home. What to do??

73. Comment by Ace | July 18th, 2010

    I have a situation I would like to get some feedback on.
    When I was married – my ex wife and I were closing house in Washington DC, and moving back to NJ after my business failed (dot com bust). My ex took my kids to Africa to stay with their grandparents “for a few weeks till we settled” (they were 1.5yrs and 4yrs old) . When she came back – alone and without telling me, she moved to her friends house, got a new job, gave me various excuses and eventually told me she wanted a divorce. I tried to expedite things – by creating no fuss, and the divorce took 1.5 yrs. My kids came back to the US after 2 yrs. I see my kids very regularly and attend their recitals etc. I mention this, because I just dropped my kids off after the weekend and my ex just told me that her “job situation has changed” and she is looking for a new position and may go to CA with the kids. I know from my eldest daughter that her boss just moved from NJ to CA – and she was close to her.
    I do not want to create a long drawn our legal issue, but it has taken me the last 3-4 years to develop the relationship back with my kids and I feel like the same thing is happening again. I feel like this is deja-vu and I am really hating life right now. Do I not make any waves and let the kids go – or do I fight, create a potential legal nightmare.

74. Comment by dadshouse | July 19th, 2010

    Ace – here in California, the courts like divorced parents to do what’s in the best interests of the children. When it comes to moving, if the kids have roots in a community – preschool, school, church, friends, family, etc. – then it’s often “in their best interest” not to be uprooted. My attorney told me it’s hard for a divorced parent to just up and move the kids someplace else if the other parent is staying, and the kids have multiples ties to the community.

    You have every right to spend time with your kids. And it might just be in their best interest not to uproot and move across country. Perhaps you should talk to an attorney for legal advice.

75. Comment by Rachel | August 21st, 2010

    What to do? I moved to NC 15 yrs ago and have a wonderful life with a great paying job, house, friends, church, etc. My youngest will graduate HS in 3 years. I divorced 2 years ago and have joint custody with my son living with me.
    For the past year, I have been dating the man I was engaged to in college and we plan to be together/marry in the future. However…he lives in upstate NY with a great job of 25+ years and has an 8 year old son – shared custody but lives with his ex-wife in a nearby town.
    All the reasons I left NY are still there – lack of job opportunities in my field, poor economy, winter!!!, and just a totally different culture. It would be financial and professional tragedy for me to return there (as well as leaving my children here, even though they are older). Yet, I don’t want my fiance’s son to miss out on having his dad close by in NY. Moving back to NY worries me because I will give up so much and honestly, it’s depressing there, so I’m not sure if marrying the love of my life will be enough to overcome everything I will forfeit. It’s not the ideal way to begin a marriage.
    Although there are many comments and opinions here, I am looking for research based evidence of the impact of long distance relationships between fathers and children. I know each case is different, but in trying to be objective, that’s what I’m looking for. We’ve got three years to figure this thing out…but it’s extremely difficult being so far apart! We see each other once a month and when I get longer vacations, spend 1-3 weeks together. Thanks!

76. Comment by Michele | August 31st, 2010

    Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a
    song called “Cinderella” and 5
    months after it was released,
    he lost his daughter in a tragic
    car accident. Here is the
    first verse:

    She spins and she sways
    To whatever song plays
    Without a care in the world
    And I’m sitting here wearing
    The weight of the world on my shoulders

    It’s been a long day
    And there’s still work to do
    She’s pulling at me
    Saying “Dad, I need you

    There’s a ball at the castle
    And I’ve been invited
    And I need to practice my dancing
    Oh, please, Daddy, please?”

    So I will dance with Cinderella
    While she is here in my arms
    ‘Cause I know something the prince never knew
    Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
    I don’t want to miss even one song
    ‘Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
    And she’ll be gone…

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