Comments on: When a Divorced Parent Wants to Move Away

By: Kenneth Duckworth

Kenneth Duckworth — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 21:20:24 +0000

My situation is this. I am a Foreign Service Officer, i.e. State Department and like the military I am “deployed” every 2 -3 years to another country. I am now preparing to be “deployed” once again, and have decided to file for divorce from my wife who has been abusive – both physically and verbally towards me – for the past six years. I intend to file for custody of my 11 year old daughter – actually joint custody with my being the primary care giver. However, this would necessitate my daughter moving overseas with me for the next 2 – 3 years. I do not want to sever her relationship with her Mom, but at the same time it is not healthy for her to be in the same home with someone who is so short-tempered that she will physically assault me, including spitting on me and cursing worse than an angry sailor, over something as trivial as a spilled cup of coffee, will use language that would make a sailor blush in front of my daughter, who has repeatedly cheated on me (3 times a charm!), is only tangentially involved in daughter’s day-to-day activities and on occasion has called daughter “stupid” and “useless.” Does anyone have experience in a similar situation and advice they can share?

By: SoCalGirl Lost in NC

SoCalGirl Lost in NC — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 16:49:14 +0000

I am facing a similar dilemma. I am from California but married in the military to a guy from North Carolina. Now I want out. The South is just not for me and when things go bad (divorce) you just want to go home.

I have three munchkins age 4 and 2. I use the logic that if I am gonna go I better go now. Its early and like another parent said, they wont remember as much when they are younger. Almost like wanting your kids to forget you :0(

But I have found encouragement in so many others posts. You just have to do what you have to do. My heart aches all the time because I don’t want to be here but I am torn because I love my kids and know that no one loves them like I do.

And the bottom line is that if it does not work out I can move back. It is just that after so much sacrifice for a marriage that fell apart I need something for me and it would be worse to resent my own children because I made them into ball and chains. If I am happier, they will be happy.

And I agree with “Stuck in Texas”. You can be as involved as you want to be.

Plus, my ex and I are agreeing to switch out their school years periodically until high school at which point they will need to stay put in one place.

Life is complicated and I had to go between parents to. I just hope that it will be an adventure for them to be able to spend time in So. Cal. They need to know my family too. . .

We just have to make our decisions and see how things go. Good luck to all you worried parents who love yours kids so much to worry at all ;0)

By: Nicole

Nicole — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 18:44:05 +0000

My husband and I are in a similar situation. He has two kids in middle school and we have one together. Living in SF is $$$, schools are horrible and the city is rough and dangerous. I do not want my children raised here so we are looking to relocate to the Pac NW. We have 40% custody and can retain that same time with a few extended weekends, spring break, thanksgiving break, 1/2 winter break and all of summer. You don’t have to sacrific your new families happiness and finaces if you can be clever enough to work the visitation schedule. The kids love the idea of keeping the time but being given the opportunity to explore an entire new part of the country. Our cost of living will be lower 35% giving us more expendable income to use towards all of our kids. Dads don’t give up! My husband is not guilty one bit and neither am I. We owe it to our kids to provide them with a good home not to squeeze into an small and very expensive apartment just for his two kids who don’t care anyways.

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 15:53:28 +0000

p.s. especially curious to hear Dad’s side of things; from what I can read here there are few of you who could stand to be away from your kids.

[ Ed. Note: here's a post describing Stephanie's situation, with commentary by Dad's House readers - http://dadshouseblog.com/2010/02/23/dad-moved-away-and-now-he-wants-back/ ]

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 15:51:02 +0000

Huh. My husband and I were living in Spain for his work when he stood up and 1am and flew to England (I am Canadian, he is British), stating he had been dating a 21 year old for the past few months (he was 39). Our son was 18 months old. Not only did he uproot himself, he left me in a horrid position, having to decide whether to return to the UK (so our son could be close to his father), to Canada (where MY family is) or to stay in Europe where I had a stable job. In the end my mother came to Spain to help me out for a year while I kept my job and searched for more permanent solutions – my ex husband saw zachary on weekends every 2 months or so until he was nearly 3, and after we returned to Canada, he visited him once. Now Zachary is almost 5 and we are going to the UK for him to “meet” his daddy’s family,a nd I am disgusted by the whole process. How ANY father could leave his child in another country is beyond me. If it were not for teh fact that my ex husband pays me 1000.00 every month I would seriously be questioning the extent to which this man deserves contact with the son he left in Spain when he was 18 months old. Any ideas? I’m seriously curious to hear other people’s thoughts on this. And yes, he contributes financially, but so do I. nobody says “wow, Steph is a GREAT mom, she cares for her son financially every month!” Curious to see if anyone has any opinions on our situation. Have a good day!

By: Matt

Matt — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 22:40:59 +0000

It is very hard no matter how you slice it. If you stay close, you lose, if you leave, the kids lose. I am a divorced dad of two young kids, my son is 2 and daughter is 5. I stayed put becuase of my job and my ex-wife left with the kids and moved 400 miles away. Now at most I get to see my kids once a month and that is about it. I made the decision to stay as their mom never worked and I am still supporting the kids and their mom. But some days, I it feels so bad to be so far away from the kids. I have been doing it for a year or so, don’t know how I can be this far away for much longer.

By: Sasha

Sasha — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 00:21:40 +0000

I sent in a comment before – #49 – Sasha.

My son’s ex-wife is still in Victorville. A new boyfriend has moved in with her. I believe that the last man that beat her up is still in jail. The four boys, 10 years and younger are still with this lady who physically and mentally abused their dad. The 8 year old has been scratched on the face by his mom who was frustrated, and two weeks ago was hit on the head with the hard part of a hairbrush for not brushing his hair.

The 5 year old yelled at his teacher and the youngest, 4, bit his brother. She has an anger problem which has been documented. Her oldest son from another man was taken from her because she was an unfit mother.

My son now wants custody of them. Why did he not try this before if he knew she was abusive? This is what one attorney asked him. When he was married to her he was working, working, working to support their four, his daughter from another woman, and her son, also his wife and trying to pay the rent, etc. She screamed and physically hit him for being gone (at work) and made his life hell. He knew only to keep working to keep things going. She would not work even one day a week and he just knew he had to keep on working. He was driving and gone for a week at a time. He did not know how the children would live if he did not keep working and he gave her a chance to take care of them and did not miss a single child support payment.

He now wants to get his children even though he has to stay with friends which would give them a more stable environnment than what they are in. He has been told that he should wait until something more serious happens by one attorney. He has been given conflicting information.

Does anyone have advice as to whether he has a chance to get them back? Does he have to wait until the children get really hurt, although emotionally this has already taken place? The ten year old has watched his dad being screamed at and hit, has moved to about for different schools, saw his mom being beaten up and also went to jail with his mom to visit the man that did this, and now who knows what this new man is like that has moved in. Because of her temper he may not be able to tolerate it and hopefully will not harm the children.

Any advice on my son’s chances would be appreciated.

My son is not aware of this website. I will let him know I have sent in comments and hopefully he will read and perhaps send something in.

Sasha.