Backyard Sex, Wild Animal Edition
The down economy has a lot of people worried about jobs, income, security, livelihood, homes, you name it. It sucks. I sense Dad’s House readers could use a pick-me-up of sorts. And there’s nothing like some backyard sex to do just that. As such, consider this humorous backyard sex story to be a Dad’s House public service.
One night last summer, my ex-girlfriend (and then-current lover) had come over to watch a movie (and have sex. Duh!) We were sitting arms entwined on the couch, drinking wine, letting things heat up at a natural pace. Sex was imminent. No need to rush.
You might be wondering what’s the difference between a girlfriend and a lover. (Or you’re wondering when I’ll get to the backyard sex. Patience…) For her and me, the emotional connection and expectations changed, while the sex stayed the same.
When we were dating, besides going out a lot (dinner, movies, concerts, hiking, etc), we would call or text every few days to see how the other was doing. How’s your day?! Did you finish that project? Can’t wait to see you! That sort of thing. Then at the end of the night (and first thing in the morning), we’d have raucous sex.
When we stopped dating and became lovers, we’d only phone or text for booty calls. At which point we’d have some drinks, hang out on the couch, maybe share a home-cooked meal, and have raucous sex. While there was still an emotional connection, we didn’t check in with each other as often. And there were no expectations beyond hooking up. If I got sick and needed chicken soup, she wouldn’t bring it. If I got horny and needed sex, she’d bring it big time.
Back to this one hot summer night. At some point during the DVD, when we’d stopped watching the screen and were into the pre-coital lip-lock stage, she told me she’d never had sex outdoors, and wanted to try. Backyard sex sounded perfect to me.
We grabbed a blanket, spread it on the lawn, and got busy. It was a beautiful night – clear skies, soft moonlight, stars spreading out forever. Backyard sex never had it so good. My yard has hedges and trees, so there’s quite a bit of privacy. We had no problem getting buck naked and just going at it. Nothing like a warm evening of hot sex in the middle of summer. Outside sex is a wonderful thing.
At some point during our backyard sex escapade, we heard a noise, like a cat climbing a fence. Okay, more like a really heavy cat. I looked across the lawn and could just make out a dark shape. My lover’s gaze was skyward, taking in the stars, lost in an orgasm. I got back to the sex, and got busy again.
The animal took a noisy and tentative few steps toward us. I looked again, wondering why the hell it didn’t leave us alone to f***. (Sorry, George Carlin’s seven words to censor are ingrained in me.) Couldn’t it see we were engaged in backyard sex? I hissed at the animal to leave us to our sexy deed. My lover, lost in the backyard sex and unaware of the animal, prodded me to keep our rhythm going.
The animal took another step, and I could see it was a racoon. WTF! Tired of grubworms, and wanting some backyard porn?
The racoon started towards us, not tentative at all. It just came walking straight at us. I’m guessing the creature had never witnessed two homo sapiens having backyard sex, and was justifiably curious. I didn’t think it wanted to join us for a Wild Animal-Kingdom Threesome.
“What are you doing!?” my lover asked, admonishing me for being distracted from hot backyard sex.
“We need to go inside,” I said.
“No. Not yet.” She pulled me into her.
“Now!” I said. I got off her, and pointed to the racoon. My lover freaked! She jumped up naked and ran indoors. I grabbed the blanket and followed her in.
As you might imagine, after that bit of backyard sex excitement, my lover and I decided we liked our wild sex best without any nature.
(The memory of this story was inspired by Eathan’s post at iDateWhite: Pushing the Limits, where he tells a prospective lover she should be willing to have sex in various outdoor places.)
What’s the hottest or craziest place you’ve had sex?
- Sex and No Sex
- Putting the EX in SEX
- Rebound Sex Coffee Date
- Taking Third-Date Sex to a New Extreme
- Sexy and Funny Dating Stories
- US Patent 587994 – Male Chastity Device
- You-Know-What-us Interruptus
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Comment by Canadian Bald Guy
| March 10th, 2009
Wow…that’s quite the story. F*ckin’ raccoons…always going around and spoiling my outdoor sex attempts.
Seriously, I’ve never had sex outside (never had the courage, actually). There was that one time in the front seat of my car on a Friday night in front of the ENTRANCE to a club while there was a line-up…but other than that, I guess I’ve lived quite a boring little life.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post..Vacation with M: Day Four
Comment by MindyMom
| March 10th, 2009
Thanks for the PSA Dads, and what a nice one too.
I’ve always loved sex outdoors but it’s been a while. I think with the weather getting nice I may have to create some new memories on that front, especially since the old ones are with exes.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Stigma of the Single Mom
Comment by Wendy
| March 10th, 2009
Love it, love it, love it!
Hot balmy St. Marteen in early 2000. It had been one big non stop party with my long time love.
After a night out and activities that were continuing in our bedroom he was a bit shocked when I suddenly stood up and told him to follow me.
I led him to the edge of the cliff and…well, you know.
The sounds of the ocean below, the stars up above. Lovely.
Then it all came to a screeching halt!
Suddenly I got anxious thinking that someone might come upon us and just push us over the edge of that cliff in our moment of passion and we would be washed out in the midddle of the ocean with no one ever knowing where to even look for us.
And with that, the moment was gone.
Wendy´s last blog post..Oh Brother…
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| March 10th, 2009
Raccoons are so cool.
I was a little confused at the beginning of the story because you started out by saying you were watching a movie with your ex-girlfriend AND your then-current lover. I thought “THREESOME!” But nooooooooooooooooooooooo… just a plain old story about you and a woman having sex in the yard while a raccoon looks on! :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..The Thing About War
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| March 10th, 2009
I’ve had plenty of sex in public places. My own yard being the tamest experience. There’s at the ocean (beach), on the ocean (boat), in the ocean (scuba gear a must). In the car, on the car, in a train, in the rain. Wait… I think this is a Dr. Seuss story.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..The Thing About War
Comment by PhenomenalMama
| March 10th, 2009
Love outdoor sex…haven’t had nearly enough of it to satisfy my craving for it, in fact. Outside during a rainstorm is on my list of “must-dos”.
I’ve had a few fun and wild sex sessions in my day, but my favourites so far have been some pretty hot serious foreplay moments…including amongst the stacks in the library and flying down the highway on the way back to his place with nowhere to pull over…
PhenomenalMama´s last blog post..An “Un-date”
Comment by T
| March 10th, 2009
Wow! What a great, steamy (and later hilarious) story! I’m with Teri. I thought it was a threesome story at first too!
Hmmmm…. I love outdoor sex. Camping, hiking, hot tub… any time that I can see stars and also *see stars is a good time for me!!
T´s last blog post..Always Do Your Best
Comment by dadshouse
| March 10th, 2009
Sorry for the threesome confusion. I didn’t know how to explain that we’d once dated then became lovers. (I guess I could have said it just like that.) A backyard sex threesome sounds kinky.
Teri – your Dr. Seuss sex poem is awesome!
TentCamper – your dog comment is funny. I had the same problem with a girlfriend’s dog. He’d sit there and just watch us going at it. It creeped me out. And we weren’t having backyard sex, we were in bed!
Comment by notasoccermom
| March 10th, 2009
Once, we took it to the mountains near where I live, we hiked a small hill into the thick of the trees for privacy. Heard the bay of wolves nearby- didn’t miss a beat!
Outdoors is great atmosphere.
However, the wolves didn’t get as close as your friend either.
notasoccermom´s last blog post..Mom and son time
Comment by Wondermom
| March 10th, 2009
I love outdoor sex! I miss outdoor sex! Probably the craziest place I’ve ever done it was on top of Stone Mountain in the rain. And in a little clearing off the trail halfway down the mountain. I miss that guy…
Wondermom´s last blog post..What’s wrong with people?
Comment by TentCamper
| March 10th, 2009
and to think….I have a hard time if I know the dog is watching. That is funny as shit.
Did you guys finnish?
you should check out the post I put up a while ago….similar…but with bears. (http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/08/bears-balls-sex.html)
TentCamper´s last blog post..Cobwebs and Yellow Pee
Comment by Eathan
| March 10th, 2009
When I asked for details on this story.. I didn’t expect this. haha.. OMG you’re hilarious! I think I need to come out to Cali to hang out with you. We could be dangerous in the same town.
Great story.. thanks!
Eathan´s last blog post..Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner
Comment by Vinomom
| March 10th, 2009
Outdoor sex….not for the faint of heart!
I haven’t had outdoor sex in a looong time. I am not an outdoorsy girl so I can’t say I miss it. However, back in the teenage years when you had no place to do it cuz you lived at home, I had sex on the side of a public lake at like 5 in the morning (and therefore almost light out) So risque, I know!
Great Story
Vinomom´s last blog post..Work Stuff that will Bore the Snot Out of You
Comment by Honey
| March 10th, 2009
I have given a guy head on the highway more than once before (he finished, too!). As far as actual sex, once when I was in college I had sex with a high school guy friend on the floor of my dad’s living room (he was asleep upstairs but his door was open). What was I thinking?!
Honey´s last blog post..Top 10 Signs You’ve Become an Adult
Comment by katherine.
| March 10th, 2009
hey…at least it wasn’t a curious skunk!
Camping and backpacking…lots of opportunities. Occasionally The Teamster has been known to pull off the road in order to “read the map”…smile
However the craziest place was adjacent to the 17th green at Riviera…late at night…in formal attire…with my ex husband.
Pierre Jouet in the flower bottle is dangerous stuff.
Comment by dadshouse
| March 10th, 2009
Katherine – I will now go stock up on Pierre Jouet!
Vinomom – that sounds hot.
Honey – oh, risky!
Hubman – sex on the air in a radio station. Love it!
Quick break from backyard sex – To get the recent posts to show, I use the CommentLuv plugin. I’m not at wordpress.com – this is a self-hosted blog using wordpress.org software that allows me to install my own plugins. If wordpress.com doesn’t yet allow CommentLuv, you might ask them for it. If they won’t do that, just have lots of racoon-free backyard sex, and you’ll be happy.
Comment by hubman
| March 10th, 2009
Yikes! That’s quite the story…
For me the craziest place was in the broadcast studio of the college radio station I used to work at. While I was on the air…
Unrelated question- how to you get it to show your commenters most recent post? I’m also on wordpress…. Thanks!
hubman´s last blog post..TMI Tuesday and Thanks
Comment by Edgar
| March 10th, 2009
Deep in the dunes in Death Valley in February – the sun warm on our bare parts
Deep in the dunes north of Pigeon Point
Deep in the woods at a lake in the Marble Mountains
But, alas, no raccoons, wolves or bears intruded (nor homo sapiens) – all were rhapsodic – maybe the fresh air sharpens the appetite
Comment by Janet
| March 10th, 2009
Hilarious story. And well-timed. The warmer weather we’ve been having recently is turning this girl’s fancies to, shall we say, extracurricular activities. :)
Janet´s last blog post..Feeling old, feeling young
Comment by badmuthablogger
| March 10th, 2009
Great story! Racoons are fearless bastards, aren’t they? I tried to chase one out of my house once (it came in to eat the cat food) and it actually stood its ground and growled at me like a dog. Blighter! It only left the house when it had finished eating. But, YES! I LOVE sex in the great outdoors. Nature is incredibly erotic. And I don’t mean having it off in public places (I don’t get turned on by being caught) but the deep making love in nature experience. The best sex I’ve ever had has been outside. In the daytime. In the night. In the forest. In the mountains. In the ocean. In the meadows. And yes, sometimes in my own garden. I wouldn’t be freaked out by any approaching wildlife. Let them come! Nature is supremely sexy. If you have a moment, check out my best friend’s website, for her take on making love with the earth. I’m definitely on her wavelength. It’s kinda eco-erotica. http://www.treegirl.org/
badmuthablogger´s last blog post..Dating dogs
Comment by badmuthablogger
| March 10th, 2009
BTW, where the hell do you get those pics from?? This one’s a classic, but the hot-dad-sauce guy a few days ago was also flippin’ hilarious.
badmuthablogger´s last blog post..Dating dogs
Comment by Cheery-Wise
| March 10th, 2009
On the beach in Rio at night (so lucky we weren’t mugged!)
Or… beside a river in Sedona, AZ. We thought we were alone, til two couples hiked past to our ’secluded’ location! OMG did they notice what I was doing on my knees?! ;)
Wondering if its too hot for sex in the desert at burning man? Oh, you didn’t mean that kind of ‘hot’, did you? haha
Comment by K
| March 11th, 2009
Love that story! Btw, I was not confused about a 3 some. I knew what you meant. Do you have any 3 some stories???
My craziest place was an Abercrombie and Fitch dressing room! Very fun but the store worker caught us coming out of it together! haha!! Keep those sex stories cumming…I mean coming!!!
Comment by krn
| March 11th, 2009
This is hilarious, Dad’s!
Last time we were camping, a cute man from the next campsite came over to borrow something. My boy looked up from our roaring campfire and said to him, “my mom needs to find someone to mate with.” We had been having a conversation about how some animals mate for life and I was explaining to him how animals don’t marry, that marriage is a human invention and such, in response to his many questions. Even still, it took me by suprise that he blurted this out. Needless to say, our “next door camper” kept laughing and smiling at me all weekend. He even shrugged, made suggestive hand signals and pointed at his tent a few times when the kid wasn’t looking. I was tempted to take him up on it!
Comment by Lisa J
| September 29th, 2009
New to this blog and love it! Hottest place I’ve ever had sex, you ask? … The flight deck of a 747 out on the tarmac at LAX. Yep, before 9/11 of course, when security was of little consequence. Right there in the captain’s seat wearin’ nuthin’ but his hat and a smile ~
Comment by Locksmith Nottingham
| December 8th, 2009
Great post – hottest pl;ace for me???? in the garden on a summer night during a thunder storm – electric!!!
Comment by Roger@forbrukslån
| December 16th, 2009
Sex outdoors? Haha wuut? What happened to just having sex in the car and stuff like that? Dude, what about ants and crap like that? lol interesting read, to say the least.
Comment by jacques
| February 20th, 2010
I’ve had outdoor sex literally hundreds of times–
camping–canoe trips in the wilderness–
in broad daylight, been seen by other couples several times,
sometimes it gets them going at it…
All I can say is swim naked whenever you can!