I’m not in any way defending Rachel’s actions (or Penelope’s). I think that they both made poor choices in the heat of the moment. I haven’t made the same choice, but God knows I’ve made my share of mistakes! Based on what I’ve read of these two stories, there are a couple of differences that I find significant. Rachel: infant baby, blind date (referred by a friend, but still) Penelope: older children, knew the guy a little better.

It is disturbing to me that a parent would bring a stranger into the home with their children there. Honestly, it’s disturbing to me that any single person would bring a stranger into their home but I have to admit I’ve been there once or twice. With an infant child, the child’s safety is at the same risk as the adult’s safety. Yes, the guy could turn out to be an axe-murderer or something equally outrageous. But there’s not really as much issue with what kind of example you’re setting for your child, the child walking in and seeing something that will scar them for life, etc.

In Penelope’s case, it sounds like she’s met the guy before, e-mailed for a while, and been on a couple of dates. No, she hasn’t known him all her life, but he’s not a stranger either. It’s not black and white…it’s gray. I still probably wouldn’t bring him home with my kids there, but I’ve been told that I need to “get over it” and “move on”. My issue with her is that her kids are old enough (I assume…since there is more than one child…at least one must be old enough to know what’s going on) to make judgments based on the examples that they see, and to feel confused/threatened/insecure. Again, since I know nothing about her except that one post, I refuse to pass judgment…I HOPE that she has her children’s best interests at heart. I HOPE that she is considering their safety and health and feelings. I KNOW that Rachel is. I firmly believe that if faced with the same situation today, Rachel would handle it differently than she did 8 years ago. Each of us do the best we can with what we know at the time.

Honestly, I find both of these stories disturbing. The STORIES…not the players. I think that Singlemommyhood addressed the issue at hand very nicely today. Leah’s post did not call out any individual…just posed the question when is it ok to bring a date home for sex. I haven’t commented over there. I know that my answer will not be very popular. I can have a different opinion and still have a lot of respect for the person who holds that opinion. If not, I wouldn’t still be reading this blog.

Wondermom´s last blog post..I lost it

Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..The Thing About War

It does say she brought the date home, and sent the dismayed basbysitter off, and that her daughter was sleeping in the next room. If I’m not mistaken, the essay also said the breastfeeding was sexually motivated. You’re right that it doesn’t say they “had sex” in a Bill Clintonesque way. But I think it’s fair to say they “hooked up”.

In the other post I referenced, by Penelope Trunk, it’s implied that single mom and her lover had sex. Both Rachel’s and Penelope’s stories are about single moms hooking up on blind dates while their children slept.

While I certainly empathize with the sexual longings (I’ve felt them myself, and have blogged plenty about them here), I voiced my opinion that bringing a stranger home for sexual pleasure while your child slept in the next room is not the smartest or safest choice. No character judgment or attack on anyone implied or intended.

The “how to have sex” dilemma is something that many single parents are faced with, and something I had hoped would develop into a rousing discussion in my blog post. In retrospect, my use of Rachel’s story, when so many people connect with her so deeply (as they should – she’s a wonderful person who I have met on many occasions), was not a good choice by me.

Still, the fact that Rachel has taken flack from her essay is perhaps a sign that the story presented on Salon could have profited from sharing her current view on the experience, as well as any insights she’s gleaned in the eight years since the event took place. I know all too well that in the moment, we all can make choices that we might do differently after more reflection. Some choices are wise, some are mistakes. The Salon piece says her friends were dismayed with her choice. It doesn’t say how she feels about it now.

It would have been nice to hear her current view. That’s how we as a community of single parents can all learn, grow, and evolve. Without that, in my opinion, it’s just a sensational story.

Teri – at least you didn’t make me the butt end of some joke. (ha!)

(Admit it. You knew I’d say that.)

Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..The Thing About War

I didn’t attack Rachel’s character, just as I didn’t attack Chris O’Brien’s character. I reacted to their choices in specific situations, and questioned whether a better choice could have been made. Perhaps if more reflective hindsight had been allowed to remain in the Salon piece, I wouldn’t have reacted so strongly. Perhaps I should have shown more restraint in my blog reaction.

Teri – did I react emotionally like a woman? Ha. I don’t know. Maybe I should have waited a day, and edited a second draft before publishing. I agree my choice of language in same cases could have been subtler.

Now then, which end of me do you adore the most? (You knew that question was coming)