Birthday Traditions for Children of Divorce
What are the best birthday traditions for children of divorce? Through nine years of friendly divorce coparenting, my ex-wife and I have struggled to figure out new birthday traditions for our two kids. We’ve celebrated birthdays with extended family and without. We’ve tried birthday traditions in her home and mine, as well as at neutral sites. Divorce makes children’s birthdays tougher to pull off. We’ve never quite got it right.
I know, I know – the adults should just suck it up, and let the kids have fun. Believe me, if it was just my ex and I coparenting a birthday party, that’s how it would play out. And we have thrown some successful parties that way. But usually, there are more adults involved than just us. Makes it hard to create birthday traditions that work.
Here’s a rundown of which children’s birthday traditions (and party attempts) worked in our divorce, and which fell flat.
• Extended family – my ex-wife has tons of relatives in the area, and I don’t. This has made things difficult for our kids’ birthday parties after divorce. Her family always wants to be there, but they aren’t comfortable interacting with me. Most of them only see me once every year or two. And if my ex-wife’s boyfriend is at the children’s party, it’s majorly awkward for them. I was part of their family for fourteen years, and I fathered the kids whose birthdays we’re celebrating. Yet the relatives spend their time now with the new boyfriend. It’s weird for everyone.
My advice when extended family is in the area: let the kids have a family party with relatives, and then enjoy a separate birthday party with their friends. Birthday traditions should focus on the kids, not the aunts and uncles.
• Mom’s house, Dad’s house – we’ve tried throwing parties at one house or the other. Dinner can be a little awkward, especially if the house used to be the marital home. But for sleepover parties, you sort of have to choose one parent’s house. My ex-wife and I have taken turns throwing sleepover birthday parties for our children. No hard feelings – we understand that both adults won’t be there all night. And actually, the sibling child ends up staying with the other parent, giving the birthday child a house to his or herself for the night.
My advice for mom’s house or dad’s house – choosing one house works great for sleepover birthday traditions, but can be awkward otherwise.
• Neutral site – we’ve thrown parties at the park, bowling alley, pizza parlor, movie theatre, laser tag. For the most part, we’ve had great success! Fun birthday parties at neutral sites cost a bit more, but work great for divorced families. We’ve only had hiccups when extended family or an ex’s boyfriend or girlfriend gets in the mix. (See above.)
My advice for neutral birthday sites – let the kids pick their fun, and leave the extended family out of it.
My opinion about birthday traditions after divorce is biased, of course, since I have no extended family in the area. If my parents, siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts were all here to spar with my ex-wife’s clan, I think her relatives would be more willing to either get along with me and my family, or have their own party without complaining. As it is, the kid’s birthday parties are sometimes awkward, and that’s no fun for anyone.
When it comes to children’s birthday traditions, the kids should always come first. As kids get older, the focus should on their friends. Especially when there’s a divorced family. For us, nine years of divorce has softened the bad feelings, but increased the awkwardness since we’re not part of each other’s intimate lives.
btw – my son’s birthday is coming up quick. Happy Birthday, Dad’s House Jr.!
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Comment by PhenomenalMama
| March 19th, 2009
A few weeks ago marked our first birthday party since separating. It was awkward. We decided that we would hold it at my house (since I’m always the one who does all the work for the parties). The thing that made it awkward was having to invite friends that had chosen (my exhusband’s “side”) in the divorce, because my kid and their kid are really close friends. It was awful. I didn’t want these people in my home at all, but chose to “suck it up” for the sake of my kid. It was truly awful, but I put on a happy face for my daughter and made it through the afternoon.
The worst part is that I find myself having to do it again in a few weeks for our other daughter, too. I would have genuinely enjoyed at least a few more months to prepare myself for it, but no such luck. BAH!
PhenomenalMama´s last blog post..Tonight’s Peace and Contentment Brought to You By: ACUPUNCTURE!
Comment by erin
| March 19th, 2009
i’ve been a reader for several months, maybe even almost a year. I think i’ve commented before. It’s interesting because my sister’s going through a divorce — if i can even call it that. But she took the kids and moved to california, and the dad stayed behind in MD (job and all that). But if he does end up moving out there, I would hope they can work out a schedule like you and your ex wife because i truly think that would be best for the kids.
as for birthdays — my family has put their foot down and told my sister that as the kids get older we’ll just do family birthdays separate from the kids’ birthday parties because we think it’s pointless to be invited to the kid’s birthday party when all they do is want to run around with their friends. much to my sister’s dismay, she doesn’t like the idea and wants us involved. we tell her– it’s easier to just have a family birthday “day” we have lots of june birthdays.
it’s weird because we try to be on good terms with her soon to be ex-husband because he is the father, but she hates it. We even told him he could spend this past christmas day with us. She was not happy, but it was civil, and it was fair to the kids bcause they got to spend the day with their dad (considering she took them thousands of miles away) maybe one day they’ll eventually be civil.
Comment by Andrea
| March 19th, 2009
While I don’t have personal experience with this I can see how the neutral site would work best for everyone. Even now since my kids are little I prefer to have a birthday party somewhere other than home (the thought of last years nightmare invasion of seven six year olds cured me of trying to be June Cleaver of the birthday world ever again).
But you’re completely right it should be about the kids. It’s great you and your ex can get along and do what’s best for the kids. It seems that’s not so common these days.
Andrea´s last blog post..Writer’s Workshop with MamaKat
Comment by Mark
| March 19th, 2009
Sounds like you have tried all types of ways to celebrate birthdays. It is difficult in divorced families and even more difficult when there are blended relationships happening. The key is to focus on the children and make it their day.
Mark´s last blog post..The Boomerang of Giving
Comment by MindyMom
| March 19th, 2009
My ex and I have a very sinple arrangement – we alternate our kids birthdays every year. In my off years when I don’t have the kids on the actual day I plan our celebration on the nearest possible day. When the kids were younger I planned their parties for when they would be with me and neither their dad or I ever considered him attending the parties. On his years with them he takes them to dinner but the parties have always been my thing.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Family Dinner
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| March 19th, 2009
This was totally a no-brainer for me. The kids did what they wanted, where they wanted and invited whomever they wanted. There was nothing else to consider. I am fortunate in that my kids were not unreasonable creatures. By that I mean that they didn’t say something like, “I want to go to Disneyland and I want to invite 50 friends!” So, of course there were boundaries. If they wanted to do a certain thing, it had to be within a certain budget and they could only invite a certain amount of friends, etc. But really, there was no quandary over where or what or even who was going to get upset or angry. Extended family only gets invited if the kids want them there. The end.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..How to Say "Fuck Off" with Panache
Comment by katherine.
| March 19th, 2009
I could write pages on this subject…but the bottom line is that if you have children together your ex (and their family) will be part of your life. Forever.
More than once I wanted to slap someone. And I had pretty good reason. But I tried to always remember that they loved my kid too. And my kid loved them. Why would you want your child to have “birthday-party-memories” of tension between parents or grandparents. They have enough of those if they are children of divorce. We don’t need to taint their birthday parties too.
Kids’ birthday parties with the ex and their new girlfriend or spouse…and your ex-mother-in-law can be difficult. I’m not saying we never had tension the first few years. We almost always had them at a neutral location. If you can’t swing the expense of a climbing gym, bowling alley, pottery painting place…try a park…or a friend’s home.
Most of us…not all…but most, want our kids to have a healthy relationship with their other parent…and our former inlaws. (we call each other “outlaws”…it is a term of endearment.) How the battle lines are drawn early on will be the foundation for your dynamic with them for decades to come.
Birthday parties are easy peasy compared to what comes later on…high school graduations, college graduations, et cetera. I have yet to do the wedding thing…but it could happen anytime. Recently my former sister in law, my daughter’s favorite aunt (who was a very close friend of mine in college) passed away. At her services I saw many “outlaws” I hadn’t seen in years. I was very thankful we were on good terms.
katherine.´s last blog post..wordless wednesday ~ wilder ranch
Comment by dadshouse
| March 19th, 2009
Katherine – I realize weddings will be much harder than birthday traditions. Not sure how that will go down. The birthday parties after divorce really have been a struggle for us, so if this is our training ground, we aren’t doing so well. For instance, this year my son asked for a friends only pary at the movies. His mom’s family insisted on a family party at her house. I’m wondering – why can’t we do both? His mom wants birthday traditions to stress the message (no pun intended with the use of the word ’stress’. ha) that family will always be there, and friends come and go. Hmmm… Makes it hard to create birthday traditions when we don’t agree.
Teri – one year my daughter asked for a Disneyland trip with a dozen friends. Um…no? That’s a birthday tradition that will never start for us.
Mindy – I like your arrangement. We did something similar one year, where the kids celebrated birthdays twice, once with me and once with their mom. But that gets confusing for the kids’ friends.
Erin – my ex mother-in-law is nice to me. The rest don’t make an effort.
Phenomenal Mom – I have been there! I hope it gets better for you. I’m really not looking forward to this year’s party for those very reasons. Wish we had birthday traditions after divorce that worked better for us.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| March 19th, 2009
I disagree with your kids’ mom. She makes a seemingly good argument with her friends come and go thing, but unfortunately she has it backwards. It’s especially BECAUSE friends come and go that we should do these things with them. Plus, the party is for the kid, not the family. Although I’m sure my opinion is worth about as much as you paid for it. ;)
BTW, if my kids did ask for a trip to Disneyland, it would have to include taking only one special friend. That would be their “party.” Also, we lived much closer to Disneyland than you do. But my kids never opted for that because they had too many friends to just choose one.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..How to Say "Fuck Off" with Panache
Comment by Shirley
| March 19th, 2009
Initially, my ex and I had parties–and holidays–all together, usually with his family, since they were local. It didn’t bother me at all, even when the ex-girlfriend was there (I really liked her). My oldest daughter’s high school graduation was a big mix—-both extended families sat together (we all get along), but my daughter had a meal after with his family. I’m pretty glad that I live far enough away that I don’t have to include my ex in birthday parties. Also, because my kids are older, it becomes much more about them with their friends and less about including family. This year we celebrated my 12-year-old’s birthday with dinner with my family (one night) and a party at Malibu Grand Prix and 10 of her friends (another night). Simple, easy, and stress-free. Hopefully, weddings are far away…
Comment by Janet
| March 19th, 2009
Hmm…I guess things are a little different for me, maybe b/c my kid is so young, but I just had a party for him with my family and friends. I discussed it with his dad beforehand and we agreed to have separate parties.
I don’t think his dad ever even threw him a party though.
Janet´s last blog post..For real??
Comment by krn
| March 19th, 2009
Since our child has a summer birthday, we are having an early birthday party with friends this year. My ex is still thinking about whether he will fly half way around the world to be there or not. If he comes, he knows he’ll be in charge of getting and keeping the kids organized during bowling. I’ll set up the food, cake and party room and be in charge there. The ex’s girlfriend is welcome to join in if she comes along, but she knows I’ll put her to work. I’m bossy that way. Hehe.
Our son usually spends the week prior to his “real” birthday with his Dad. They have a special traditional birthday breakfast together in a nearby town featuring bacon and waffles with strawberries and whipped cream and drive the rest of the way out to the coast. When they arrive, the ex leaves and we have a family birthday lunch at my parents’ house. After lunch, we watch an edited (no down low shots) video of the boy’s birth and marvel at how timy he was. I cry. (I tend to cry a couple of tears at all births, even when I’ve assisted.) The day following his birthday, the boy and I leave on a camping and hiking trip together for a couple of days. Since he stays at nice hotels with his Dad the week prior, he loves having outdoor time with me when he gets back. It’s loads of fun and easy on the budget, so I love it, too. So far, this has worked out great for everyone. We’ve done this for three years now.
Happy birthday to your son, David! :)
Comment by Leah
| March 19th, 2009
What great practical advice, Dad’s. Trying not to think about my son’s 4th (not till this December) and how we’ll handle it (if dear old dad is still in the picture). I’m thinking separate parties for sure. All is much too raw – yuck.
Leah´s last blog post..I can’t make this s–t up.
Comment by Giliit
| March 20th, 2009
My son is now 14 and I have been divorced since he was one years old. He (my son) simply celebrated more than one birthday. He didn’t like the children in the elementary school that he went to in any case, so instead of a party with his friends, we’d often take a weekend trip together. To save money, many children in Israel have a birthday party together with another child in the class i.e. Paintball or bowling or whatever. The big problem was when he turned bar mitzvah age – 13 and my ex husband and his wife absolutely refused to do something together with me. So he had 3 bar mitzvahs – one with his father, one with me in the city we lived in, and one in Canada = yes, I am still paying for it, but there was no other choice. I hope his father realizes that my son doesn’t plan on having two wedding ceremonies!
Giliit´s last blog post..Post 56: It’s Raining Women
Comment by Me Thinks
| March 20th, 2009
I’m late on the bandwagon but contemplating parties this year as we are coming up on them soon. To complicate things further, my 2 kids birthdays are only 2 days apart.
My kids basically get a ton of celebrating. I take them to dinner wherever they want to go and give my gifts on their actual birthday. We also have a joint party and friends and family all attend and then usually they have a family party at his parents. So basically 5 celebrations for 2 kids, ridiculous!
The last few years we have had joint swimming parties at the pool. Its not too complicated, we’ve grilled burgers or ordered pizzas etc and have just taken turns doing the organizing. What IS uncomfortable is being bikini-clad with my ex, his gf and his parents – I work hard to have a great body, he let himself go so it feels creepy to me and I spend most of the time under a cover-up but if its hot or all the kids are in the pool, I’m getting in. I should probably get over it but while I maintain a decent relationship with the outlaws, they are really judgemental. It just feels weird.
This year I’m thinking maybe a bowling party and each kid gets a lane. I’m also looking into a play area at a park. I’d love to do laser tag but the place is all the way out in EBE.
Either way, they love it since they get to be special over and over and over again. Ha ha.
Comment by newsinglemama
| March 20th, 2009
Just like Phenomenalmama, just had to throw my little one her first birthday party a few months into the separation.
It was hard for the ex because everyone pretty much disapproves of the fact that he left. But it was also hard for me because we acted like a family for an afternoon and then, at the end of the pary, he left.
I hope it gets better for everyone.
newsinglemama´s last blog post..Feeling the blues
Comment by The Exception
| March 20th, 2009
My daughter’s birthday is near Christmas so her birthday is an ongoing celebration. She gets a special meal with her dad, and then fun time with me (mom) and family. Communication is key and remembering that it is about the kid having a celebration more than anything else. Our issue is more timing so we are always attempting to find a time when friends can celebrate with her. This year it is a spring fling… last year it was swim parties with this and that friend. Those are friend celebrations… the family is done on its own
The Exception´s last blog post..In the Spotlight: Rejiggered Cocktails
Comment by dadshouse
| March 20th, 2009
Me Thinks – your bikini story reminds me of a swim party we attended with one of my kids’ sports teams. My ex is like you, in great shape. (I’m in good shape, too – we’re both athletic) One of the dads on the team came over to me, gestured at my ex, then said “there’s always a hottie mom on every team.” I just smiled and nodded. He suddenly realized he was referring to my ex-wife. Doh! At which point he calmly placed his foot in his mouth and hobbled off.
Comment by Robin
| March 20th, 2009
I’ve always invited my daughter’s father to her public birthday parties, and sometimes he comes. (One year, he had me served court summons AT and DURING her party, instead of coming. She’d have preferred he come to celebrate with her.) I do not invite him to our private family ones or, when she got older, her sleepover parties with just her friends with me as hostess. Last year, his youngest daughter did come to our daughter’s birthday party (w/ friends, public location), but he didn’t. Sometimes his mother will throw a combined birthday party for her three granddaughters, whose birthdays are all within a month of each other, and sometimes my daughter’s father & his long-term girlfriend will have a nice birthday dinner together with her and her half-sister. He prefers I throw the friends party, and has stated that a few times over the years, so, I do.
Robin´s last blog post..Weekend: Part 1: Big Show, et al
Comment by Debbie
| March 20th, 2009
I love the practical advice..I have been divorced 2 1/2 years! My ex and I are amiciable..but as you mentioned, its more then just us!:) so we are still looking for that ‘perfect’ fit. Its great to hear suggestions from others walking this road too..thanks!
Debbie´s last blog post..Just a bit……..
Comment by SDMktg
| March 21st, 2009
Birthday parties are definitely tough and I think things get rougher as the kids get older. I’m lucky enough to have twins so I only have to deal with the birthday party once a year. The first year was brutal. My family, her family, her friends, and the kids friends and their parents. The party was in what had been our home. I’m pretty sure I had an out of body experience that day watching the whole thing from somewhere else.
After that we did the public party thing and family on separate days. If they end up having a few different birthday get togethers that is ok. That happens a lot for Christmas with my family getting together whenever everyone can manage it so it’s ok if that’s how it is for birthdays too. It is definitely easier with just us being civil to each other. Once extended family is there things get uncomfortable. Separate family parties are much eaiser on everyone. Weddings will be difficult but I have many years before that occurs. At my wedding I had 2 separate family photos for my side of the family, one with my mom and one with my dad’s family.
I guess in the end we have to remember we’re doing it for the kids.
SDMktg´s last blog post..Hearth Patio and Barbecue Assocation Expo
Comment by Jen
| March 21st, 2009
Its interesting because my son’s dad used to get upset when his ex/now current wife would have a birthday party for their daughter and he and his family was not invited (when they were not together). I’ve invited both dad and his family to birthday parties and they have all been no-shows when based on his reactions regarding his daughter they would have wanted to been invited. So I now just included my own family and I invited dad and my son’s half-sister to his friend parties which is also always a no-show. Its unfortunate when dad feels its more important to make sure there there is no contact between both houses/families no matter how significant of an event our son is celebrating. I hope one day we can have birthday celebrations together because I can’t help but wonder what the current situation is teaching our son about difficult/awkward situations.
Jen´s last blog post..My second attempt
Comment by Christina
| March 29th, 2009
There’s 4 of us now … we’ve all re-partnered, but my husband’s ex is still bitter. Nevertheless, we celebrate the boys “kids party” together – yesterday, it was all 4 of us, splitting all the costs and responsibilities, and we do family stuff with each of our sides on our own. But if it makes sense for the kids, we do at least try and split the actual day between us (usually if it falls on a weekend). The kids love that we’re all together, they’re thrilled, and really, that’s all that matters.
Christina´s last blog post..The problem with the word "stepmom"
Comment by Lisa
| June 25th, 2009
Aaah, birthdays ( and Christmas)…not easy. My kids are old enough now to realise the dynamics and why I’ve reluctantly surrendered the ‘big’ events to their father. Financially, I can’t match what he provides. At the time of separation he turned his whole family (immediate and extended) against me and they’ve ignored me since ( apart from when they’re hurling abuse at me). My ex has also done a great job of manipulating my family and they have chosen to associate with him, rather than me, their own flesh and blood. And hand on heart, I am a decent, kind, intelligent person. So I am on the outer – I just let the kids have their celebrations with him and his and my family. I miss out, but I always do something with my son ( daughter has gone to her father and doesn’t ‘need’ a mother), that he wants to do – a special meal out or something like that. Christmas is hell, as I am the one who started all the traditions, their father used to abuse me for spending so much time on all the little things ( but guess who does it, and gets to enjoy it with the kids now?!) – my partner doesn’t observe Christmas so it is a sad time of year for me. I’ve encouraged the kids to spend the time with their father, so they get to have fun with their cousins etc. My son hates me being ‘alone’ at Christmas so insists on doing Christmas Eve with me but it’s lonely for him too.