Are Women a Recession Commodity?
Stocks are down, home values are plummeting, portfolios are a fraction of what they once were. What’s a guy to do when he’s lost it all to a nasty recession? Buy something of real value, of course.
A woman, perhaps?
No, no. I’m not talking about prostitution, or even mail-order brides. I’m referring to a trend in the dating-coach industry. Apparently, men are dropping real money right now trying to find a romantic partner who will give them emotional intimacy. They’re spending their last dime trying to get a date.
The Atlantic’s Andrew Sullivan, in a recent Daily Dish, reports that business for some professional dating coaches (a la Will Smith’s character in Hitch) is through the roof. Men who have lost their financial security to the recession are desperate for emotional security and validation. They have nothing left, and they want a woman to make them feel better.
I have to admit, I sort of know the feeling. Right after my divorce, I felt like a major failure as a human being. I absolutely needed a woman to love me so that I could feel good about myself again. There’s nothing like a post-divorce rebound relationship to put a skip back in your step.
And at least these guys who are hiring dating coaches aren’t spending their last dime drinking themselves to death, like Nicolas Cage’s character in Leaving Las Vegas.
I’ve grown a lot in the years since my marriage ended. I now see I’m better off loving myself, rather than desperately searching for someone to love and validate me. That doesn’t mean I want to be alone. I’ve simply come to believe that if you need another person to make you feel hot, sexy, and confident, then you are in essence giving all your power to that person. Isn’t it better to find that power within?
That said, a widespread economic downturn seems entirely different. The recession isn’t about individual failure, it’s a group collapse. With income vanishing (and ending up in the pockets of AIG execs), everyone is suffering. And when the tribe suffers, there’s nothing like a man and woman pairing up, loving each other, supporting each other, having and holding each other, to build a stronger backbone for all. Part of the joy of being is being with someone you love.
Don’t get me wrong, single parents can definitely survive on their own. But you have to admit, there are tons of benefits to being part of a happy couple – emotional, financial (two salaries, one mortgage or rent payment), physical (sex every night! Okay, that’s also emotional and spiritual), etc.
Do we need dating coaches to find our partners? Eh… everyone’s different. To each his or her own.
Do we need each other? Yes.
If you see me searching under couch cushions for my last dime, rest assured I’ll be spending it on something of real value.
- High Cost of Company, a Dad’s House nationally syndicated post
- Calling All Matchmakers
- Wedding Band Envy
- Chemistry.com Profile – Maybe More Kids?
- How to Marry a Millionaire
- Investment Advice From a Sixth Grader
- Gold Diggers
- Kid-Friendly Companionship With Benefits
| 
Subscribe | © 2008-09 David Mott, DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.
Comment by lisaq
| March 23rd, 2009
Numerous articles are citing the same reasons for an increase in dating site memberships. I agree with you. Giving away your power to someone else in an effort to find love is exactly opposite of what we should be doing. We need to find that love and validation within ourselves first and then the rest will follow.
lisaq´s last blog post..Learn to be a Better Kisser – Tips You Need To Know By Gina G
Comment by debra
| March 23rd, 2009
Interesting, I hadn’t thought of it from this perspective. I’m watching friends’ relationships and marriages take the hit of financial stress and chaos; it brings some couples together to support each other, and pulls others apart in a giant negative blame game. It makes me hesitate to get into a relationship right now with someone who doesn’t have some sense of financial resposibility and security. I’m not saying he’s got to be loaded, quite the opposite. Little to no credit card debt, modest home and lifestyle, and an appreciation of more important, non material things.
Have to admit though, having someone to lean on would take a lot of pressure off, as would having someone kick in on the mortgage! A girl can dream!
Comment by Andrea
| March 23rd, 2009
You have to be in control of your own sexual power and confidence if you’re going to survive in the world. So many of us lack that assurance and some turn to others like dating coaches to find it for them. I think, should this need arise for me, I would much rather buy myself a pair of kiss ass boots with my found money. I’m fairly certain that would be a far suitable way to meet a man than paying someone else to find my ultimate match.
To each their own. Yep, you stole my words. ;)
Andrea´s last blog post..The Writer Mama Two-Year Anniversary Blog Tour Giveaway!
Comment by MindyMom
| March 23rd, 2009
I agree with Andrea; I would rather spend the extra money on “kick ass boots” or anything other than a dating coach or service. But then that’s because I also agree that investing in someone else to make myself happy is a bad idea.
Interesting that this is a symptom of the recession though.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Single Moms & Responsibility
Comment by searchingwithin
| March 23rd, 2009
We all need to hold our own power, but, I believe, we all want a special someone, whether we admit it to ourselves or the World, or not. Especially when times our tough, we all long for someone there by your side, in your court, caring, and nothing beats having someone to share the high times with.
I just don’t understand this Online dating and matchmaking appeal.
searchingwithin´s last blog post..TGIF – The Five Best Love and Relationships Articles From Around the Web – #2
Comment by Mike
| March 23rd, 2009
The hole in the plan is that they’ll have no money to go on a date with once they find someone.
Mike´s last blog post..This is a First
Comment by Holly Hoffman
| March 23rd, 2009
This recession has had me thinking about my great-grandparents. My great-grandmother used to tell us stories about how poor her and my great-grandfather were during the Great Depression, and how they had each other. He would take her out into the middle of the night, into the street and dance under the moonlight. She said it seemed like nothing was wrong in the world.
Maybe it’s just about realizing what really matters, and appreciating your relationships.
Holly Hoffman´s last blog post..Why I’m starting another blog
Comment by krn
| March 23rd, 2009
Interesting post, Dad’s.
Hmmm, maybe the down economy will cause a much needed values shift in our country?
Mike- the best dates I’ve been on didn’t cost money and are memorable still. While I enjoy a wonderful meal in a fabulous restauaurant as much as the next person, I’ve found that it isn’t a great way to get to know someone.
One of my favorite dates was helping a man plant trees in the yard of his new home. It was a third date and he completely owned up to wanting to use me for free labor. After that, he’d just call and ask if I wanted to come over for dinner or cocktails and to watch “our” trees grow together. Very cute! It worked and we dated quite happily for some time. I even moved in with him for a year. He has since passed away
and when I’m in his former area, I love driving past the house he built to see how big “our” trees are now.
Comment by dadshouse
| March 23rd, 2009
Holly – what a beautiful image of your grandparents dancing in the moonlight! I agree, tough times can help us all appreciate the things that really matter, like the ones we love.
Debra – I long for a sexy mortgage-payment-sharing honey in my life! Ha. A guy can dream…
SearchingWithin – I agree, it’s wonderful having someone by your side, especially when times are tough.
Lisaq – I didn’t know online dating memberships were up. Lately I’ve been meeting women the old fashioned way, in person. But I realize that’s not a viable option for everyone.
Andrea and Mindy – I love a woman in kick ass boots! Are they thigh highs?
Krn – I should be like Tom Sawyer and have potential dates come do yardwork for me! Brilliant idea!! (And very cute story)
Mike – good point. No money, no dates. Then again, they can just snuggle up in bed and have a lot of emotionally validating sex!
Comment by April
| March 23rd, 2009
quoting: I now see I’m better off loving myself, rather than desperately searching for someone to love and validate me.
That’s exactly how I feel! Sure, I like getting a nice compliment every now and then, and even laid every now and then, but for the most part, I’m enjoying life alone.
April´s last blog post..Weekend Wrap-Up
Comment by T
| March 23rd, 2009
I agree that we should realize that what we are seeking has never left us… We shouldn’t look outside of ourselves for validation.
I also believe that the best way we can find ourselves is in relation to another person.
Maybe this recession is a good thing if it means we’re actually hoping to connect on levels deeper than physcially?
T´s last blog post..On love and dying
Comment by ilinap
| March 23rd, 2009
You lost me at Will Smith. My daydreaming has officially begun.
Comment by dadshouse
| March 23rd, 2009
T – I agree the best way we can find ourselves is in relation to others. Does that necessarily have to come from a romantic relationship? I’ve done tons of work on myself since my divorce, and only some of that time has been spent in relationships. We relate to every person we meet.
I do agree that romantic relationships often are wonderful environments to encourage self-awareness and growth. As long as people don’t get so caught up in the pointing the finger at others, and can actually take the time and intention to look at themselves.
April – you’re getting laid? Dang, I’m jealous. (Ha) I agree, we can be alone and still be happy.
Ilinap – Will Smith, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt – Bringing the Heat
Comment by Honey
| March 23rd, 2009
I’d have to disagree with what some said here about matchmakers/dating coaches – most of them also focus on finding in yourself what you are looking for, because they know that’s the easiest way to get it in someone else!
That said, I’m glad the BF and I have each other to lean on. Times are tough and we both have valid reason to fear for our jobs come June.
Honey´s last blog post..Moving Closer: Anger, Recession, and Relationships
Comment by katherine.
| March 23rd, 2009
it does seem to be a back-to-basics kind of time.
If I needed a coach…I would want someone who had the knowledge, skills and experience…I’d want a guy to coach me.
Why wouldn’t guys hire on a woman to couch them?
professional dating coaches are making four figures a night?
I bet I would be pretty good at that.
Just sayin’
katherine.´s last blog post..getting the perfect gig
Comment by katherine.
| March 23rd, 2009
(rolling my eyes)
Obviously the visual of your couch cushion ransacking stayed with me.
s/b Why wouldn’t guys hire on a woman to COACH them?
could be Freud had it right after all…
katherine.´s last blog post..getting the perfect gig
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| March 23rd, 2009
Haven’t men always been spending their last dime trying to get a date?
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..How to Say "Fuck Off" with Panache
Comment by cyndi
| March 23rd, 2009
“I’ve simply come to believe that if you need another person to make you feel hot, sexy, and confident, then you are in essence giving all your power to that person. Isn’t it better to find that power within?”
THANK YOU!! I definately had an ititial “oh crap I have to repartner up before N-Man’s old enough to know the difference” reaction to things being finalized, but it was short lived. I’m in a really content & happy single space right now. Wouldn’t turn down a date or good guy, but not feeling the need or desire to go looking for it either. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever been single and not looking and I kind of like… no, I love it. Great post.
Comment by dadshouse
| March 23rd, 2009
Teri – our first dimes, too!
Katherine – when you picture me ransacking a couch for a dime, do you picture the same couch as me and my fwb during you-know-what-us interrupt-us? I swear, she wasn’t carrying any coins that night!
Cyndi – isn’t that content and happy single space a great feeling? And believe me, when I see a woman on the street, and she’s in a great space, and smiling and showing it, I want to pursue her!
Honey – that’s a great point. If a dating coach actually helps you get to know yourself better, and like yourself better, and attract someone who likes you, then they’re worth that last dime in gold!
Comment by The Exception
| March 23rd, 2009
Perhaps what the lack of money and down turn in the economy does is helps us to remember what is important – the little things that money can’t buy.
As for men turning to sites etc to help them find a woman… they try to find the strong, responsible women during such times… but when times are good, they look for arm candy. Men spending money to get women… one way or another.
I am curious though as to whether the women are spending the money to find the men?
The Exception´s last blog post..Reality Hits
Comment by Canadian Bald Guy
| March 23rd, 2009
Right after my divorce, I felt like a major failure as a human being.
I can’t tell you how badly I felt that pain when my marriage ended. I also went after a post-marriage relationship because I wanted to feel better about myself.
Much like you, I’ve grown to the point where I’m not in need of a relationship…I just really want one.
Once I began to like myself…even love myself…again, I knew that I was ready to try love again.
Very interesting post.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post..My Bucket List (part one)
Comment by Janet
| March 23rd, 2009
Strangely, I seem to be the opposite of many people because I DIDN’T want a relationship when my marriage ended, and I certainly didn’t want any type of fling. I was hurt so badly that it was like touching a hot stove…no way was I going near that stove again!
Now I’m to the point where I’m much more happy and confident with myself and feel like a decent relationship (or maybe a fling) would be nice to have. Not necessary…but fun. :)
Janet´s last blog post..Frustration.
Comment by PT-LawMom
| March 23rd, 2009
I’m with T. As for your question back to her as to whether we can get that same validation from relationships other than romantic ones, I think we can get some validation from those relationships but it’s not exactly the same. Sure, a best friend can fill a large hole but I think you need that romantic partner to fill all of those secret special parts that you don’t share with anyone else, even your best friend (or your blog readers – lol).
You said “I now see I’m better off loving myself, rather than desperately searching for someone to love and validate me.”
I hope I can get there someday. I enjoy validating and being validated by a romantic partner and feel kind of lost when I’m not in that situation. That said, I refuse to rush into something wrong.
PT-LawMom´s last blog post..Angels Among Us
Comment by Mary
| March 23rd, 2009
Hmmm, I read something today where they were saying that since the recession, the strip club business has been booming and small neighborhood bars are seeing an increase in business. It appears that when the going gets tough, people figure out what it is they really want.
On a more serious note, I completely agree that you need to find happiness with yourself before you should go looking for a relationship.
Great blog!
Mary´s last blog post..Monday Randomness
Comment by Elizabeth Barrette
| March 23rd, 2009
Also bear in mind that it’s cheaper to live with 2+ people in a household than only one, and that 2+ adults have an easier time raising children than a single parent. So things that encourage people to join up have positive effects, even though recession really sucks.
Elizabeth Barrette´s last blog post..Three Questions: White House Vegetable Garden
Comment by Gilit Frank
| March 24th, 2009
Yes, it is cheaper to share expenses but to move in with someone for that reason could put a damper on the relationship, and it’s hard to combine families. There are lots of benefits of keeping separate households, and maybe you will have sex less often, but it will make it that more special when it’s not “available’ each night…(and for those of you living together with kids in the house, do you really have sex each night??? It sounds nice in theory, but does it happen practically?)
Gilit Frank´s last blog post..No boyfriend. No problems.
Comment by Lance
| March 24th, 2009
Great catchy title, nice post. It is true that more people are going online to find dates in a bad enconomy, and that online dating sites are BOOMING. I don’t think people are spending huge amounts of money on dating coaches, although I don’t have any evidence to support that. I do know a handful of dating coaches (actually, pickup coaches, but really it’s the same thing), and they are moving more towards selling products online vs. face-to-face coaching. I’m wondering if the letter in Sullivan’s article is older, like maybe 2 years ago?
Lance´s last blog post..Moving Closer: Anger, Recession, and Relationships
Comment by LV Lizard
| March 24th, 2009
Have you seen the show “the millionaire matchmaker”? It’s pretty funny / worth watching. I think it’s on Bravo…the irony is that the matchmaker herself is single…
LV Lizard´s last blog post..A Lime Green Lambo and A Red Lazer Dot
Comment by Susan
| April 1st, 2009
David, I think you are absolutely right – as cliche as it might be, I believe it is so important to learn to live with, love and accept yourself, on your own, versus trying to find it in a relationship (romantic or otherwise). I see so many people bouncing from one relationship to the next with no breathing room (or certainly no introspection). Sometimes it works out and that’s great, but often it doesn’t because people tend to repeat the same mistakes over and over.
At any rate, I’m rooting for you and would be happy to send you a few spare quarters ;)
Susan´s last blog post..I do, take two