Divorce Didn’t Make Me a Homebody – So What Did?
After my divorce, I went out as often as possible. I’d go to bars with friends, and go online for dates, which led to more bars, restaurants, and coffee houses. But this past weekend reminded me that I’m not like that anymore. Something about my attitude has changed.
I’m a homebody.
This past weekend, my kids were with their mom. Most of my friends were out of town. A female friend I enjoy doing things with had a date of her own. And I just wanted to veg.
Seems these days, I’d rather hang out at home, cook dinner, watch a DVD, read a book – than hit the bars or look for love online.
What happened? A good question to ask. After all, I’m not going to meet anyone sitting on my couch. (Unless I met them online – but online dating stopped working for me years ago.)
• Age is an obvious factor. I’m in my 40s now, and a bar full of 20-somethings is one of the last places I want to be. Sure, there are wine bars and nice restaurants that cater to my demographic, but there are only so many days in a month I’m in the mood to get dressed up and go out for wine or cocktails. I’d rather hang out in shorts and a T-shirt at home.
• The amount of time that’s passed since my divorce is another factor. My marriage ended nine years ago, and while I went at the dating scene hard for the first 5 years, I’ve slowed down significantly since then. Part of that is me getting tired of dating. Part is the comfort of having girlfriends and lovers in the past few years. When you’re used to texting a girlfriend for a sleepover, you get out of practice going to bars.
• The fact that I was married for almost ten years is an indicator of my personality. I enjoy being with people I know, being in familiar environments, having a routine. I’m a creature of habit. I’d rather spend time with people I know than keep meeting women blind.
And so, while my weekend ended up being incredibly slow, with too much alone time, in a way it was nice. I went for a long run. I read a book. I watched a movie. I cooked (yes, I’ll cook for myself. Grilled salmon and pasta are specialties. All these bay area single women who are chasing after Mr. Perfect have no idea what they’re missing!)
And I’m very much looking forward to the next time my kids will be with me.
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Comment by T
| April 20th, 2009
Yeah, I tend to be a homebody when I don’t have the kids either. In fact, the last time I had a weekend to myself, a male friend called me and asked, “Why aren’t you out on a date?!”
It seems that the people I did end up dating just showed up in my life exactly when I needed them. Not from going to bars or online dating.
Still, I doubt I will meet many sitting at home with a DVD and a good glass of wine.
But it sounds REALLY nice!
T´s last blog post..Call me a cougar or call me romantic
Comment by MindyMom
| April 20th, 2009
I’m a homebody too, for all the reasons you state and then some. I’ve been divorced for 7 years and know what you mean about being tired of dating and going out all the time. I still do, just not nearly as often. I enjoy my quality veg time! I cook dinner alone and watch a movie – I date myself and it turns out I’m a better date than many I’ve been on with another person. ;)
MindyMom´s last blog post..Who’s Your Daddy?
Comment by Andrew
| April 20th, 2009
Dad’s house,
Even though it was nine years ago, I am sorry to hear that you had to go through the pain of the divorce.
I must admit that I, too, am a bit of a homebody. I love the private, secure and peaceful life that hanging around home offers.
Andrew´s last blog post..How 35 workplace deaths were exposed in an internet chat room
Comment by vinomom
| April 20th, 2009
I am in my twenties and all of my friends would definitely describe me as a homebody. I need time alone to vegetate. There’s nothing I love more than reading a good book with a glass of wine.
Still, too much solitude isn’t good for anyone. And you’re right, you won’t meet anyone on your couch. When I actually started dating again, I dated for about a year before meeting Scott, and we’ve been together for five years now. I couldn’t imagine going through the ups and downs of dating for five years!
There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a break and catching up on a little “ME” time!
vinomom´s last blog post..Hiatus: Over
Comment by junctionmama
| April 20th, 2009
Hey Dads,
you sound like an awesome guy and I don’t get why you’re still single ;)
I feel the same way. I spent the entire weekend hanging out with friends and their kids and had a wonderful time. Adult conversation, wine, food, while the kids played. The only thing missing for me was a man to share it with.
But the last thing I want to do is date random strangers.
junctionmama´s last blog post..Kids at the comedy bar!
Comment by FJ
| April 20th, 2009
Wow – I’m 30 (& married) and I had a similar reaffirming experience this past weekend!
My friends and I, even as recently as a year ago, would have guy’s nights out – and don’t worry, we still plan to for years & years. But certain places don’t appeal to us anymore. We’ll go to a bar and play darts, but when it comes to a place where dancing is happening, why bother? We’re not the cheating types and I think women notice us more than if we were single because we’re the guys who are more interested in talking to each other than getting out on the dance floor. Are we too old in our minds? Hmm….well this post really got me thinking about that! Of course, there’s nothing much to do at dance-type places if yo’ure married except drink. I’ve even had a woman come up to me and ask me how long I was going to keep “ignoring her”, and I pretty much waved her off as I saw she was with a guy and clearly buzzed….didn’t need that kinda trouble!!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| April 20th, 2009
Yeah. I think it’s safe to say that you’re out of touch. Get out there. Shake some hands. Not just for dates. Just for living.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..New Tattoo!
Comment by Kat Wilder
| April 20th, 2009
I, too, can be such a homebody when The Kid’s with his dad. Everyone needs chill time (plus, I have to pull weeds and stuff like that). And, as I quoted Homer Simpson in that blog, why go out when you’re only going to come back home?
Waste of energy …
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Susan Boyle can sing, but will she ever get kissed?
Comment by Andrea
| April 20th, 2009
There’s nothing wrong with staying in if that’s what you are in the mood for. I know when I go out every Friday (granted I’m married so it’s not the same) but it gets tiring. Staying home can be really nice, even alone. For me especially alone, since I am never alone these days.
I hope you’ll find someone who enjoys the same either on a friend basis or more.
Andrea´s last blog post..Club HASAY Reporting In & A Trip to the Zoo
Comment by QTMama
| April 20th, 2009
Sometimes I dig hanging out at home alone. And I did so this past Saturday night. I couldn’t have been any happier. I ordered a pizza, drank a beer, watched a movie. I didn’t have to ask what was wanted on the pizza and I chose the movie. LOVE IT.
QTMama´s last blog post..Clue: For Those With A Penis.
Comment by krn
| April 20th, 2009
A good book or a movie with a glass of wine…that’s a perfect home date, David!
I once had a lover who worked evenings. I worked days. We got into the habit of buying the same books. He’d call after he was home, showered and in bed. During the week, we took turns reading pages out loud over the phone to one another as we both drifted off to sleep. On the weekends we’d workout together, share good meals, make out, swap books and write in the margins of each other’s book while we read in person. It was heaven. I still have some of the books we read together and they remain favorites. Things ended nicely and mutually, so only good memories there.
Perhaps you need a reading buddy with benefits, Dad’s? ;)
Comment by Abby Carter
| April 20th, 2009
Its funny when you are a single parent, how much you enjoy your alone time. Most of the time I am a home body, simply because it is easier than trying to get out, find a sitter, deal with the grief of my kids when I leave, etc. I actually get so little alone time, (what I get happens only when the kids are in school), that alone time is precious. On Saturday night though, I was actually antsy to go out but couldn’t, and that was a new feeling for me: I felt trapped.
I am dating a guy right now, whose divorce won’t even come through for another few months, who is definitely going through the wild phase and wondering how I managed to not find this guy when I was in my wild stage! Now I’m in my homebody stage, wanting more from him, knowing that it is just where he is right now. If I go by your experience, it will be years till he reaches his homebody stage…
Hiho. Such is life.
Abby Carter´s last blog post..Magical Moments
Comment by loriann
| April 20th, 2009
David,
Some may think you’re “out of touch”, sorry Teri, but being comfortable with yourself is a wonderful thing. You can enjoy a quiet weekend with yourself ~ instead of searching for someone else to fill a need.
I haven’t left home since Friday ~ worked around the house, lots of gardening ~ it was gorgeous in the North Bay! Studied, read and just enjoyed myself.
Same life stages David, I’m getting closer to 10 years. Sometimes I think I’ve gotten too comfortable being a homebody. Hmmmmm, maybe Teri is right!
loriann´s last blog post..Divorce Didn’t Make Me a Homebody – So What Did?
Comment by Susan
| April 20th, 2009
It’s okay — and I think healthy — to take a break from all the dating nonsense now and then. It’s hard to attract the “right” kind of person when you’re tired of and just not into the dating scene. And, I know my 6 years of alone time since my divorce (and many long, long weekends) helped me find myself and find a little peace in all the busyness.
Heh, I like km’s comment – maybe you need to join a book club? Even if they’re not single hotties, the women just might have single, hot friends :)
Susan´s last blog post..Sun-shiny days
Comment by ditz
| April 20th, 2009
I think parenting can make one a homebody. I am so busy when the kids are with me, and then my kid-free time is filled with the ‘me’ chores and work. I really like to just sit sometimes and do nothing. I totally get the not getting dressed up thing…if I could go out in my workout gear I would be happy.
Comment by shannon
| April 20th, 2009
I became a homebody after this new marriage. I feel like the bar scene is totally not me and not so conducive to my happy marriage…besides, New Husband does not like that scene at all. So, while I miss dancing wildly and flirting even more wildly, I love that I’m home on weekend nights (after a fabulous dinner at our favorite restaurant), with a rented movie and a glass of malbec.
However, I bet you’re going to have to get out there a bit somehow, if you want to find a companion, right?
shannon´s last blog post..Break into Spring!
Comment by Honey
| April 20th, 2009
We have a pretty decent balance – Saturday the BF and I had lunch out (though to be fair it’s not cause we’re awesome – it’s because we were waiting for a tow from AAA) and sushi with a friend of ours for dinner.
But I much preferred Sunday. I cleaned the kitchen and then tried a new recipe (vegan “beef” stew) while he listed things on Amazon and hung my hummingbird feeder.
I much preferred the second day, which is really where I find myself nowadays – I enjoy both types of activities, but if I had to I could do without going out, but I COULD NOT do without relaxing days at home!
Honey´s last blog post..Takeways from Vegetarian and No-Alcohol Experiments
Comment by Mark
| April 20th, 2009
Changes, we all go through changes. It is good that you are aware of yours and that you are embracing what you enjoy instead of chasing after something that is no longer you.
Mark´s last blog post..Knowing the Future
Comment by The Exception
| April 20th, 2009
I found myself with a few hours this past Sunday afternoon… I opened the windows and watched a movie while playing a word game or two on Facebook. It was delightful. I didn’t have enough time to truly go out and do anything but I had just enough time to enjoy the quiet house and the space to myself!
I like the book idea mentioned above. Lovers and I have shared books read etc – it is such a wonderful way to exchange ideas and share a moment or two…
So the only thing I missed Sunday was a glass of wine… (putting wine on the list for the next, rare but cherished opportunity)
The Exception´s last blog post..Curiosity Killed the Cat
Comment by dadshouse
| April 20th, 2009
Exception – a word game or two on Facebook? You mean the one where I BEAT YOU! (haha – you always kick my ass. I can gloat once.)
Honey – I love cooking all day. I don’t do it often, but when I do it’s a treat.
Abby – I miss the wild stage! Where’s my wild girlfriend?! (Even homebodies can have wild indoor fun…)
JunctionMama – long story why I’m still single. I almost remarried twice. I think I’ll blog the answer to that one.
T – don’t you hate the “why aren’t you out on a date?” question? Drives me nuts!
Comment by MommaSunshine
| April 20th, 2009
I think it’s incredibly good for oneself to spend some time alone now and again. It’s good for the soul. Sounds like a relaxing weekend to me. :)
MommaSunshine´s last blog post..Reeeeeelin’ It In
Comment by Canadian Bald Guy
| April 20th, 2009
Since my separation, I’ve only felt like truly spending time with one person on the weekends “off” from my kids. That means the vast majority of the time has me spending weekends alone.
And you know what? I not only don’t mind it…I revel in it.
I’m sure I’ll somehow eventually find that certain someone that I love spending my free time with. But until that time happens, I’m perfectly content to BBQ by myself on the weekend and watch a movie or two.
I’m alone, but I don’t feel lonely.
Comment by Lori
| April 20th, 2009
I’m a homebody too, but certainly prefer to have someone special home with me. It’s a dilemma…we aren’t meeting anyone staying at home.
Comment by katherine.
| April 20th, 2009
I go through phases when I like to do hearth and home things…and phases when I want to go out.
A bit of quiet with a good book and an entertaining movie…and a favorite meal…that can be very enjoyable.
maybe you are entering a new one of those life stages you are always talkin’ about….smile.
katherine.´s last blog post..Virtual Spring Cleaning
Comment by Tishia Lee
| April 20th, 2009
I’m a homebody but it’s more because I’ve recently moved to a new area where I only know a handful of people. And the few single people I know in the area go to the bars over and over and over. Now that I’m in my 30’s I’m really not into the bar scene all that much anymore. Sure I like to go out dancing, have some drinks & have fun but the bar scene is so tiring and nothing more than a big meat market. But I do have to admit that for the most part I’m perfectly content being a homebody. I like just vegging.
Tishia Lee´s last blog post..I’m Thankful for My Son’s Dad
Comment by Janet
| April 20th, 2009
I’m kind of the opposite…lately I’ve really wanted to be out and about a lot more! I always become less of a homebody when spring hits.
Janet´s last blog post..Flirting — 19th-Century-Style!
Comment by Solo-Dad
| April 20th, 2009
Sounds like Homebody Central! I’m not going to buck the trend because I, too, prefer to stay at home. Given that Little Elvis lives with me full-time, even on the weekends he spends with his mom, I tend to stay at home. I might be tank-refill time but, more often than not, it’s my preference.
I think one reason online introductions are so attractive and popular is that it doesn’t place either party in a situation that uncomfortable like…going to bars and clubs just to meet people.
Solo-Dad´s last blog post..The Human Neuron Project
Comment by Eathan
| April 21st, 2009
OMG is everyone getting old here? lol I must be apart of the getting old crowd too. I find myself going out a couple times a month and being happy with that. I don’t miss the days of going out all weekend and a couple times during the week.
Eathan´s last blog post..Modern Single Momma Contest
Comment by Daddy Geek Boy
| April 21st, 2009
I totally need to go out, but I also like staying home. When I had a 10 day jag without my family, I spent more time in solitude on the couch with some DVDs than I did out with my friends.
Comment by K
| April 21st, 2009
Ya know, if it helps I don’t think you have to get dressed up to go out. I think there is nothing sexier then a guy in a (clean) t-shirt, khaki shorts & a baseball hat!!! Very nice!!! Then it appears you’re not trying to hard that way!
Comment by notasoccermom
| April 22nd, 2009
That is so true. My best friend loves to go out every other weekend when she doesnt have her kids. In part to attempt to meet someone, and in part to dance and get in some exercise neither of us has time for these days.
But now that i am approaching 40, my kids are more friends than children, i love to spent time with them. They all work out of the house and those nights I am alone are absolutely meditating. I love the alone time. As the weather is getting nicer, working in the yard is also relaxing.
And as you say, when you have a ‘friend’ you can call for the moments you need a little bit of adult play time, there is a little less need for the chase.
I like to think I too am a hidden gem and one day another man will know that. ( I too have been divorced for a long time – 12 yrs) nice post
notasoccermom´s last blog post..Employed Once Again