Wingin’ It With an Ex
Every so often, I send a text message to an ex-girlfriend of mine and ask how she’s doing. She always texts back – doing great. I follow that up with a text to see if she wants to grab a drink or maybe come over. She knows what’s on my mind…. after all, before we were exes, we were rockin’ lovers. She always texts back – I’m looking for more than just sex.
You might wonder why I don’t ask her out proper, and pursue an LTR. Basically, she wants to have kids, and my kids are old enough that I don’t want any more children. (i.e. we lack relationship compatibility.)
The last time I texted her like this, I left out the “come over” part. I seriously just wanted to grab a drink and catch up. I mean, we were together for quite a while. We still text occasionally. I’m friends with other exes. There’s no reason this ex and I can’t stay acquainted.
She texted her typical response: she wants more than just sex.
And then I turned the tables on her – I asked if she had any girlfriends she could set me up with.
That brought an interesting response. She texted no, her friends are married, but she’d keep an eye out for me. She then asked if I had any guy friends to set her up with. My response was similar: all my friends are married, but I’d keep an eye out for her.
The thing is, I’d be really happy if she found a great guy who wanted to have kids with her. And I sense she’d be happy if I found a woman who wanted to partner with me.
And so I suggested something else: how about we go to art festivals and concerts and do things together, and help each other meet other people. I’ll be her wingman, she can be my wing-woman.
I know from experience, when I’m out and about with an attractive woman, other women notice. I don’t know if it makes me look safe, or more desirable, or less like a creep. But definitely, when I’m with a woman who is not my girlfriend, other women make flirty eye contact with me.
My ex’s response? Great idea!
Looks like I have a partner in crime for summer art festivals!
Of course, we better watch out if it’s a summer art and wine festival.
A few too many Chardonnays, and we might end up going home with each other.
- Putting the EX in SEX
- How to Date Four Women at Once
- Tis the Season to Flirt
- Where’s the Romance?
- When a Married Man is a Wingman
- Husband Wants to Watch Wife and Lover Have Sex
- You-Know-What-us Interruptus
- There’s an Order to a Single Parent’s Relationship Universe
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Comment by Andrea
| April 21st, 2009
That’s a tough one. Meeting up with an ex to be friends never quite worked out so good for me. It ended up being a second chance kind of thing. I think there were only two times where it truly was just friends having a drink.
I hope you can help each other find someone.
Of course all the ladies are eyeing you up when you’re with someone else. If you were alone you wouldn’t be nearly as interesting ;)
Andrea´s last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts: Spam
Comment by mel
| April 21st, 2009
i get the impression you are trying to be a bit sneaky..and hoping you will end up in bed with her, even though you know she wants more and you could possibly hurt her feelings….
Comment by junctionmama
| April 21st, 2009
Haha! Sneaky indeed :)
Joking aside, that is a great idea. Not only will you not look like a creep, like you said, but you will also seem more attractive because you are with a woman.
Too bad most of my exes are either in other countries or married…
junctionmama´s last blog post..Kids at the comedy bar!
Comment by krn
| April 21st, 2009
Brilliant idea, Dad’s! As long as you can both stick to the plan and are both meeting others while you are out, it might work. If you do drink up and realllllly enjoy yourselves, your fabulous arrangement will likely dissolve. Also, be careful. You look and sound like you have very, very good genes and a woman who is looking to be a mom might be tempted to help you pass those on again. Whatever you do, enjoy yourself! Summer is such a fun time of year for new adventures. :)
P.S. I got a juicy letter from the dentist in my mailbox. WTH? He’s playing me in a very patient, calculated, sexy, smaaaart guy way. I took your advice and am wondering if he saw me out somewhere. Thanks for the great advice, it prevented me from over thinking the whole thing.
Comment by MindyMom
| April 21st, 2009
Sounds great on paper (er, I mean online) but I do think the potential for the lines to become blurry when the two of you get blurry-eyed is high. Maybe if you stick to daytime non-alcohol related venues?
For me it would be tough to hang out with someone I was sexually compatible with and not want to get some! ;)
Good luck to you both.
MindyMom´s last blog post..The Age of Entitlement
Comment by Elaine at Lipstickdaily
| April 21st, 2009
Good luck!
Elaine at Lipstickdaily´s last blog post..You Think You Know Someone . . .
Comment by April
| April 21st, 2009
Ooh, I can’t wait to see how this one pans out. I have an ex who also happens to be my best friend that might be interested in wingin’ it with me.
April´s last blog post..Weekend Wrap-Up
Comment by Eathan
| April 21st, 2009
I can’t wait to see how this turns out. I’ve had a couple ex’s fix me up with their friends. I still think it was revenge for something they were mad at. But we were open to each other’s choice.
Eathan´s last blog post..Modern Single Momma Contest
Comment by vinomom
| April 21st, 2009
I follow most other’s comments – it’s a great idea in theory. We’ll see if it actually ends up working out as designed. But worst case you still got to spend some time with someone you enjoy and if you get laid – well, Bonus!
vinomom´s last blog post..Hiatus: Over
Comment by dadshouse
| April 21st, 2009
Glad to hear others can be friends with exes! I’m good friends with a couple of exes. We talk on the phone, give each other advice and support, especially with respect to dating. We sometimes meet for drinks or dinner, and while I admit the flames of lust are not totally extinguished, we also don’t turn up the heat.
So, I think it’s entirely possible for this particular ex and I to be friends. I even feel it’s downright healthy. We didn’t end our relatinoship on bad terms. We’re just at different life stages. We both know that.
No sneaky intent on sleeping with her. I’d rather have her as a friend.
Comment by Honey
| April 21st, 2009
If Lance and I lived in the same city, I’d totally wing for him. I’m trying to get him to join me, the BF, and some other friends on a Memorial Weekend trip to Vegas now…
Honey´s last blog post..Can He Come Too Soon?
Comment by Mark
| April 21st, 2009
Great idea … you are always thinking!
Mark´s last blog post..Knowing the Future
Comment by ilinap
| April 21st, 2009
I think it sounds like a plan. Take note that I was Mac Daddy’s wing woman, and now we’ve been married for 9 years.
Comment by dadshouse
| April 21st, 2009
ilinap – you and Mac Daddy must have gone to one of those art and wine festivals. Love it!
Comment by Canadian Bald Guy
| April 21st, 2009
Very intriguing situation, Dads. I’ve got a female friend or two that might make decent “wing-women”…but I just never considered asking them to join me on something like that.
I’ll have to keep that in mind if I’m ever “on the prowl”.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post..Baby #4
Comment by Hanna
| April 21st, 2009
I have to say this is a brilliant idea. Also a good way to keep more guy friends in you life instead of ignoring them after you break up. Put them to good use and everybody wins! I used to do this with my gay friends, but hey straight people can help each other out too!
Hanna´s last blog post..Self Esteem
Comment by Sandra
| April 21st, 2009
If this arrangement actually does work out for you, congratulations !! I guess it can work in rare instances, but I’m not really convinced. Full of ulterior motives, and its so easy to cross that line.
I speak for myself when I say didn’t work for me. I tried to stay friends with my ex after we broke up but I politely ended up ending that friendship. It wasn’t working out. He is engaged and was trying to cross a line with me. He did it so slowly, and when I called him out, he started putting the “we’re just friends, remember ?” bs on me.
Personally when an ex just texts me to just “see how I am doing” it screams “I want a booty call, but you are not even important enough for me to pick up the phone and call you.”
It seems like your ex still has feelings for you, and is telling you “I want something more serious” to protect her heart. I get the feeling she would get back with you if you wanted children.
To be blunt, it sounds like you want a little action, but want to use the “we’re just friends and you know that” as a safety net in case her emotions get involved. Sounds to me like you don’t want to do the work of finding someone completely different for that action.
You seem like a nice guy, you’re a wonderful father, I follow your blog, but when you have to do a lot of explaining to your readers as to why hanging out with your ex would be a good idea, I sense a hint of shadyness.
Sandra´s last blog post..Juicy Meat At Midnight
Comment by katherine.
| April 21st, 2009
I am friends with a couple of my ex’s. One in particular. We tried the get back together thing once…it didn’t play out.
We share a meal now and then, and have been known to do things for each other…like provide shuttle service to SFO. We know each other’s families and friends. We get along well with our respective significant others…although that has not always been the case.
But….I am certain the wingman thing would never work for either one of us. We have completely different perceptions of who each other should be with. It makes me laugh just thinking about it. I would want to “prowl” at one place…and he would want me to “prowl” at a totally different type of place.
The Asparagus Festival is this weekend…..
katherine.´s last blog post..Virtual Spring Cleaning
Comment by Debbie
| April 21st, 2009
hmm.. I think this works either way! worst case you end up together..best case you meet someone else..and the in between…good company!!:) enjoy!
Debbie´s last blog post..Names and family pictures!!
Comment by dadshouse
| April 21st, 2009
Sandra – interesting comment. That it didn’t work for you doesn’t mean it cannot work. I am not friends with all of my ex-girlfriends, but I am friends with some. It hasn’t been a problem. Maybe because I’m older, I’m able to respect the boundaries? I don’t know.
Yes, I texted this particular ex for booty after we stopped seeing each other, just as she has done with me. She and I dated for a year and broke up because of the kid thing. Months later she texted me for booty, saying she’d like to see me as a lover. We did that for a while, but haven’t seen each other since the end of summer – 9 months ago!
Texting is commonplace these days. I read an article in the San Jose paper saying it is more ubiquitous than phone calling or emailing. It’s modern communication, not disrespect.
Oh, and rest assured, I am doing the work to find a new lover or girlfriend! Part of that includes getting out, and since I don’t have a ton of single friends, if an ex-girlfriend is willing to head out like that with me, I’ll do it.
Comment by Tishia Lee
| April 21st, 2009
That’s really cool that you and her are going to hang out this summer helping each other. My son’s dad and I did that a few times but we always ended up going home with each other. LOL
Tishia Lee´s last blog post..I’m Thankful for My Son’s Dad
Comment by Janet
| April 21st, 2009
Honestly, I think this is a fabulous idea! Actually, just a week ago, I proposed this to one of my guy friends. That situation is a little different, as we aren’t exes (although he has expressed an interest…but that’s another story). :)
Janet´s last blog post..Flirting — 19th-Century-Style!
Comment by T
| April 21st, 2009
Hmmm…. now THAT’S interesting.
I too am friends with my exes but never thought to pursue this. The only ex I’m not friends with is… well…. I’m not sure Soldier and I can be friends but it is still very fresh.
Then again, he is too. So… anyway…
Great idea. I can’t wait to read the stories!
T´s last blog post..Wonder Woman
Comment by Sandra
| April 21st, 2009
Hi Dadshouse,
It changes things once you explained that she used to text you for a booty call after the breakup. It sounded like you just decided to text her out of the blue one day for a booty call.
You’re right in that texting is more commonplace. I text my friends more than I call. I agree, except I still think it is tacky when used in the dating world, or for hookups. I still think phone calls are more polite.
I don’t think your age has anything to do with respecting boundaries. You seem to be a respectful guy, and I think that’s why you’re polite.
My ex was older, and slowly tried to push the envelope. Also, some of the most offensive men I’ve gone out with have been older.
If this works out for you, that’s great. I didn’t say it can’t work. I just said that it’s rare.
It didn’t work for me, and I think that people who remain friends with exes who they are clearly sexually attracted to aren’t being 100% honest with themselves. Of course you wouldn’t cross the line. Of course you’re looking for a new partner. I know that from reading your blog.
But the fact remains that you still have some of the same emotional bond you had with that ex that you had while you were going out. Plus how is spending your time hanging out and being sexually attracted to your ex going to set the universe in motion for you to meet the woman who should be your partner if you are seriously considering finding a new partner ?
I cut off all friendships with my exes because I want to let go of the past emotional connections I had with them so I can develop a new connection with someone better. While I am looking for Mr. Right I don’t want Mr. Didn’t Work Out to be in my head and heart.
Good luck in your journey for love.
Sandra´s last blog post..My witty banter
Comment by simonandcole
| April 22nd, 2009
While I am much younger and perhaps wild than you, sir, you seem to have hit the nail on the head. As a recent college grad I can’t seem to help but think that hanging out with an ex will produce beneficial results one way or the other. Maybe you’ll even convince yourself to have another kid. Or maybe not.
simonandcole´s last blog post..Who’s B.S. Now?? by Simon
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| April 22nd, 2009
ooooh, nice comment, Sandra. I’m with you in cleaning out the karma closet to clear the way for the right one to come along.
As a woman, I know that even “as friends” – if I hung out with an ex in just a platonic way, but we had a great time together – simply an art show on a brilliant sunny day with a glass of wine would do it for me – I would probably end up mooning over ‘my friend’ and thinking about the “what ifs?” for the next couple days – cluttering my mental path to look for someone else… just like you said, Sandra.
Perhaps it’s easier for men/Dadhouse to compartmentalize friends vs exes we had feelings for? It’s definitely worth an attempt – it would be an interesting exercise to see!
Comment by dadshouse
| April 22nd, 2009
Sandra and Single Mom in NE – great comments. Love your insights. I’m not sure why it has worked sometimes for me. I have one ex who I was still very much attracted to after we broke up. She started calling me asking for my take on men, usually because she was dating some guy and he did something she just couldn’t figure out. Despite my attraction to her, it was clear she had moved from dating me. Rather than moon over her, I realized I’d rather have her as a friend than not. For instance, I was able to get advice about women from her. And so we continued the phone calls and even met for occasional daytime adventures (lunch or tea). I compartmentalized and put aside any sexual feelings I had for her so that we could be friends.
It’s sort of like how I interact with my ex-wife. We decided we’d rather get along than fight, so we compartmentalized and set aside any untoward feelings, and put our relationship on a new path.
Will it work with the ex-gf I wrote about in this post? Not sure. It takes two to tango. If I sense either of us mooning, it’s probably best to cut things off completely and move on.
Comment by Leah
| April 22nd, 2009
I like that you are open to unconventional relationships, Dad’s. It is always worth trying, and you don’t know if it will work unless you do try.
Good luck – it’s a terrific idea. One of my best friends (who is gay) is an amazing wingman. It would be fun to find someone else to play that role, especially since I am personally tired out right now :P
Leah´s last blog post..Big boys don’t cry…
Comment by FJ
| April 24th, 2009
This sounds like a great idea for both of you. I think you two – from what I’ve read – can trust each other while out, and I get that vibe from you speaking well about how men get more flirty looks when they’re with other women. This is very true: women don’t have to be on the defensive when the guy is with another woman, so of course they warm up easier. They find out it’s not your gf? Awesome, it makes the game that much easier for everyone!
Comment by searchingwithin
| April 25th, 2009
I agree that your ex appears to still have feelings for you, and possibly hoping that this arrangement might be a way to move the relationship into something more than an occasional booty call. Hope it works out for both of you.
Social confirmation is an effective way to attract people, and usually works on two types of women, the one type, as you said, that feels you are safe, and the type who preys on men who are with another woman, or taken.
Happy hunting.
searchingwithin´s last blog post..Seeking Validation and Love Through Men’s Approval