Believe in Me
Saturday night over vodka martinis, my date asked me what I was looking for in a woman. For some reason, the question struck me to the core. I didn’t feel comfortable responding, since answering truthfully would make me feel vulnerable.
I want a woman who believes in me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m like anyone else, with a short list of qualities I typically find attractive in a woman. For instance, I’d like to be with someone intelligent, compassionate, vibrant, heart-centered, sexy. Dark hair with olive skin turns my head every time.
But practically all of those qualities are negotiable to some extent. One woman might be less educated, another more compassionate. It’s the mix of all those qualities that tend to draw me in.
More important is how I’ll feel when that woman is in my life. I touched on this the other day in my post about the law of attraction, that if you can identify the feeling you want from something, accept it and desire it with your whole being, you’ll attract it more readily into your life. Once manifested you’ll allow the desired thing to stay.
And there likes the crux of what I truly want – a woman to believe in me.
In nine years of divorce, I’ve shown I can survive just fine on my own – cooking, cleaning, raising children, you name it. (I sort of suck at traveling solo, but at least I know that about myself.) I absolutely believe in myself, and have all my life. My kids believe in me, too.
I don’t need a woman to enter my life and make me feel more manly, or smarter, or more capable, or more useful, or more loved. I already have all the confidence I need to survive and thrive. (I think a lot of single parents, at some point, can relate to that.)
To believe in me means she’ll accept me for who I am, trust that I’ll make the best choices I’m capable of making, be willing to go the distance with me – good times and bad, richer and poorer.
As much as I believe in myself, there’s something magical about having a woman in my life who believes in me.
Believe. Believe in me. Believe, believe….
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- Feminine Energy is a Very Good Thing
- Single Parent, Empty House, Full Life
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Comment by Canadian Bald Guy
| May 4th, 2009
I was asked that very question by my last date…and I couldn’t immediately come up with a response. Her reply?
“How do you know if you’ve found what you’re looking for if you can’t explain what it is that you want?”
I wasn’t able to answer her question. All I knew, after two dates, is that she wasn’t it.
Heh.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post..My little Jedi in training
Comment by Open Your Heart to the Love
| May 4th, 2009
Excellent question, and one that we should all be asking our dates.
As far as the rest, isn’t that what we are all looking for? I know that’s what I want more than anything in this World.
Open Your Heart to the Love´s last blog post..TGIF Love American Style – #5
Comment by debra
| May 4th, 2009
You write: ‘To believe in me means she’ll accept me for who I am, trust that I’ll make the best choices I’m capable of making, be willing to go the distance with me – good times and bad, richer and poorer.’
There is a woman out there, who has learned from mistakes made in a previous marriage or relationship. A woman who NOW understands that you enter into a relationship with a man because you value, respect and believe in him for who he has been, who he has become, and who he will naturally evolve to be (on his own terms, not hers).
Beautifully put Dad’s…thanks for articulating (again!) something I’ve been giving a great deal of thought lately.
Comment by vinomom
| May 4th, 2009
I don’t think anyone can just summarize what they want and if they meet someone who fits those characteristics make a life together. Actually, as I write that, that’s sort of what I’ve done with my relationship with Scott. On paper, he’s everything I’ve always wanted. But how he makes me feel…that is lacking at times.
Still, someone can make you feel wonderful and have none of the ideals you thought you needed/wanted. And those ideals change over time as wel (hence divorces, separations etc)
I think as much as we want to put down “job characteristics” for our mate, it’s an ever evolving, changing thing. You’ve just gotta hope the one you’ve chosen (and who’s chosen you) can roll with it.
vinomom´s last blog post..This Post is Dreadfully Uneventful
Comment by The Exception
| May 4th, 2009
That feeling – the one you describe is amazing when it is found. When it is felt by both – when you believe in her like she believes in you… It is worth the wait!
The Exception´s last blog post..Kisses aren’t Contracts
Comment by QTMama
| May 4th, 2009
When you know, sometimes you just know without having all the answers verbally. It’s a feeling as well as all the other stuff.
QTMama´s last blog post..Things That Make Me Say … Hmmmm
Comment by Kat Wilder
| May 4th, 2009
Yep, someone has to not just accept but embrace us for who we are.
But we have to be willing to do the same.
And therein lies the rub …
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..A man’s best accessory is his kids
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| May 4th, 2009
I like what debra said.
It is hard to come up with a hard and fast answer. I know when I was dating my boyfriend, I asked him that same question. He said, “I don’t know. I’ll know it when I find it.” I’ve never asked him again. I’m assuming he’s found it in me.
We can go ’round and ’round about our wants and our needs, but it’s been my experience that it all boils down to this:
Men want women to believe in them.
Women want men to know them.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..A Word from The Wise
Comment by Just Me...
| May 4th, 2009
If there is a primary connection, regardless of who-wants-what, you’ll know it.. As you get to know each other, you’ll know if there might be more.. Time is the best indicator of any relationship between adults.
And while the question made you give thought to what you actually wanted in a companion, I’m not sure that I would have ever asked it or been able to answer it.. Especially not early in the courtship (pulled that word outta the past, didn’t I?!).. Mostly because I would just worry that the person asking the question, rather than being themselves around me, would try to become something they thought I wanted them to be..
Just Me…´s last blog post..Open House Update!!!
Comment by MindyMom
| May 4th, 2009
Sounds good to me David, very well put too.
Teri is also spot on.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Preparing for Change
Comment by Laura
| May 4th, 2009
I love this! LOVE IT! And I totally totally get it!
I need a man who beleives in me too!!
Comment by T
| May 4th, 2009
I love this post, David.
But I also know that love is ineffable.
Words are really nothing but symbols twice removed. You’ll know it when its there.
Love this. Love love love it.
T´s last blog post..Spring Cleaning: Perpetual discontent
Comment by staciesmadness
| May 4th, 2009
so true and beautiful! Good luck in your search!
staciesmadness´s last blog post..My Sunday…
Comment by dadshouse
| May 4th, 2009
Vinomom – I totally agree that a relationship is an ever-evolving thing. People change. You want a partner who accepts you when you change, and believes in you to make good choices, rather than getting upset that you’re changing.
Debra – well put! Looking back at the significant relationships in my life, most of those women tried to change me in a big way, corralling my dreams and harnessing my male energies for their own benefit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good provider, good listener, attentive to a woman’s needs. But I also have a life of my own. I need to be me.
Just Me – that’s exactly why I would have felt vulnerable answering the question. I didn’t want my date to take my answer, then try to be that thing I just articulated. I’d rather she just be herself, and we see if we’re a match.
Cathouse Teri – women want men to know them. Well put. It reminds me of the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus advice that men should listen to women and provide validation without necessarily solving their problems for them. If you listen intently and are fully present, you can’t help but know the other person.
Comment by Mark
| May 4th, 2009
I agree, having a woman believe in you is magical! At the end of the day this is one of the cornerstones of a successful relationship! How can one be with one who does not believe in you? There are still some women out there who think they can fix you or who think they can train you to be the man they want you to be. These women lack the belief in the man and this often is the undoing of a relationship in the end. For everyone out there, this cannot be successfully faked. We must believe in each other, there is no almost, this is no kind of … it has to be all in!
Mark´s last blog post..Do It Now – Eat The Toad
Comment by MommaSunshine
| May 4th, 2009
Wonderful post.
Love is one of those things – you know it when you’ve found it.
I absolutely love what you wrote: “To believe in me means she’ll accept me for who I am, trust that I’ll make the best choices I’m capable of making, be willing to go the distance with me – good times and bad, richer and poorer.” Beautiful!!! :)
MommaSunshine´s last blog post..The Pendulum of Life
Comment by justrun
| May 4th, 2009
So, so true! That is huge, and someone who’s perfect in every other way can fall short in this area and subsequently fall short altogether. It’s so simple put that way, isn’t it?
justrun´s last blog post..Marathon, first in pictures
Comment by Sandra
| May 4th, 2009
Your date asked a valid question. I think that once you can truly answer it without feeling vulnerable, then you are really ready for that special someone to walk into your life and rock your world. I think you should be able to proudly answer it as if you won’t settle for anything less.
If a man had asked me the same question, that would’ve set him apart from the rest. It says he has high standards and is serious about finding a great girl.
I wish you could’ve told her a shorter version of what you wrote here on Saturday.
Sandra´s last blog post..My Grandma
Comment by Edgar
| May 4th, 2009
I think I would expand on what Teri says and note that some significant others have told me that, in addition to the good rhythm, attentive listening and great sex that they are looking for, they really want to know me and for me to know them. I usually say that, in addition to the good rhythm, attentive listening and great sex that I’m seeking (not to mention a clever wit and sharp mind), I want to love someone and be loved in return. Is knowing a subset of loving, or vice versa? And respect, admiration and support would presumably go with either.
Comment by dadshouse
| May 4th, 2009
Sandra – the vulnerability only comes in if I tell this woman on the first date what the most important thing is. Had I said “for someone to believe in me”, she could put on a charade of believing in me, just so I’d be willing to take things to the next level. That gives her an unnatural advantage over other women, and also over me, where she can say just the right things to keep me interested in her. It’s a reason I hate questions of this sort early on in a dating relationship. I’d rather she be herself, and I be myself, and we see how we get along.
Comment by Sandra
| May 4th, 2009
Hi David,
I can see your point, and to each his own.
But I still see things differently. I think she was being herself by asking you what you look for in a woman. She may have asked you that to see how serious you are about finding love. For example, maybe she was weeding out men that answer “The most important thing I am looking for is a woman to just have fun with.” Serious women want to eliminate men who are just looking for casual dating.
There will always be a woman who fakes things in dating. Even if you don’t tell her what you’re looking for, women have intuitions and can still play off that. It’s just a risk we all take in dating, sometimes we’re going to feel vulnerable.
But after a couple of dates, you can usually tell if the person is being genuine or not.
Sandra´s last blog post..My Grandma
Comment by krn
| May 4th, 2009
This one is my favorite of all of your posts here to date, David. Your words are beautiful and your clarity is remarkable.
Mmm, to believe in a man that way someday again. Very nice thought.
The woman you describe sounds lovely. Who wouldn’t want someone like this in their life? I’d cherish being friends with a compassionate, vibrant, heart centered, intelligent, woman who believes in me. Sexy, too, would be fine.
I agree that women want to weed out the men who are just looking to have fun, if we are looking for something deep and meaningful. But, there have been a couple of times when I wasn’t aware of what I was ready for and found myself inspired to go deeper than I knew I would. We can inspire one another to stretch when safety and trust come easily and naturally with someone. It’s rare when both people are exactly at the same spiritual level. When in synch, a couple is quite capable of balancing give and take, lead and follow. So, I think you should allow yourself to be surprised and be open to whatever feelings arise. Can you really tell in one date? If so, great.
Wishing you the best in finding and feeling what you’ve written here. Please share with us, when it happens and you get an “all clear” to do so.
Comment by SoloDad
| May 4th, 2009
When you find her, let me know is she has a sister.
Comment by notasoccermom
| May 4th, 2009
What do we want in a man or woman?
We want the thing that makes us say—yup! thats the ticket.
I love to read your posts.
And man, wish I were dating as much as you are, where do you meet these women and why do men in my area never ask a woman out?
notasoccermom´s last blog post..Its raining on prom night…..
Comment by Gilit
| May 5th, 2009
Very moving post, David. Shortly after my divorce (14 years ago!) I was in a lecture where the workshop leader asked “What is the one thing men want most of all from women?” Most people answered “sex”. But the lecturer answered “to be adored”. That had us all quiet for awhile, and over the years, I realized that she was right.
Gilit´s last blog post..Post 59: Deserted in the Desert
Comment by LOD
| May 5th, 2009
Amen, brother. I felt that way before I got married, and I thought I’d found that in my ex-wife. When she decided I am the worst person to walk the earth, it was jarring.
It’ll be amazing to feel that again, if I’m every lucky enough.
Comment by Kathleen
| May 5th, 2009
You are absolutely right when you said “I don’t need a woman to enter my life and make me feel more manly, or smarter, or more capable, or more useful, or more loved. I already have all the confidence I need to survive and thrive.”
It sounds like you have reached a calm point in life if you can say that. And like the book you are reading about laws of attraction, love will come naturally now. At least in my humble opinion. I did all that internet dating. Had dates comin’ out my ears (not bragging), but I never found a man that was at the same level of comfort with themselves, therefore, we never were more than friends. I still have good friends from internet dating.
I met the man of my dreams through work… through everday life… the last place I would expect to find him. I work for Starbucks and he was a customer. Came in daily for a year before we started dating and then, boom, we fell in love and are now engaged. We have been together 2 years. Marriage is ahead, but that’s a long story. My daughter is in college and if I marry she loses scholarships and money from the gov for her education as they will take my fiance’s income in the calculations (how stupid is that???? Good ole government!). So, we are committed forever to each other. We both have psycho ex-spouses!
I was actually attracted to my sweetie because sometimes he would come in to get his coffee and just say everyday things, sometimes funny, sometimes something about being frustrated. Just like we all feel daily. It was the frustrated comment that I liked the most because I was having a frustrating day, too. It’s then that you really get to know someone. Not in fancy clothes, not with the “new date” face and attitude. It’s just how were naturally. We balance each other out. We respect each other and who we are. You acknowledge the differences and embrace the likeness’. It should happen naturally. I can’t believe how wonderful my life is and pinch myself daily.
I always thought that questions while out with my internet date, “what are you looking in a man/woman?” was so fake. They should really be asking “Where do you see yourself in 5,10 years?” That is a much more sincere question. And, to me it really allows the other person to speak about the whole part of their life. Like you say, it’s more than the relationship between a man and a woman. At this point in our lives, it’s about our children, family and friends.
Love the second time around at the age of 46 is amazing. There’s no insecurities, no games – just honest love.
Sorry for rambling… I loved this post! Try looking around you at people who do the same things you do daily. Going to the library, the supermarket… real people living real lives.
Kathleen´s last blog post..stress….. This is not what I signed up for either!
Comment by Kathleen
| May 5th, 2009
wow! went back to my email and received this… how appropriate for us…
“You have the need and the right to spend part of your life caring for your soul. It is not easy…To be a soulful person means to go against all the pervasive, prove-yourself values of our culture and instead treasure what is unique and internal and valuable in yourself and your own personal evolution.”
—Jean Shinoda Bolen; psychiatrist, author
Kathleen´s last blog post..stress….. This is not what I signed up for either!
Comment by shannon
| May 7th, 2009
I like to think that I want someone who believes in me- and my accomplishments. Sometimes I think that’s where NewHusband doesn’t quite cut it. (Ssssh. Don’t tell). He’s very negative about anything that I might know “more” about than he does and pretty patronizing about my role as a parent. I’ve got to admit, I’m really good at the mom thing-everyone ELSE says it. B’s teachers, friends parents, family, etc…but he doesn’t. I sometimes think it’s because he’s not all that comfortable in HIS role as a parent, but it still stings that he can’t acknowledge the thing that I’m best at. It’s a huge issue for me-but we’re working on it. And who cares really, when my daughter reaps the rewards of my good parenting?
shannon´s last blog post..Engraved on My Heart