Marriage Advice from a Divorced Dad
This week, had I stayed married rather than divorcing nine years ago, I would have celebrated my 19th wedding anniversary. If you add in the fact that we dated for five years prior, I’ve known my ex for 24 years. That’s a long time for two lives to be intertwined. Who knows, if we’d had better marriage advice, maybe we’d still be together.
I admit, I’m feeling melancholy about the whole anniversary thing. Do I wish I was married right now? Yes. Do I think my ex and I could have stayed married all those years, and yet still grow in the new and different ways we both needed? No.
Here’s my marriage advice to a younger generation, based on my Old Guys Rule and divorced dad wisdom that I’ve cultivated in forty-some years of being alive. Of course, since I’m a guy, maybe this marriage advice only pertains to men. Hell, maybe it only pertains to me:
- Marriage advice point 1: Don’t get married until you’re in your early 30s. I got married at 26, but when I turned 31 or so, I realized I wasn’t living my life for me. I was doing things to meet other people’s expectations: my parents, society, friends, relatives, my girlfriend/wife, etc. I decided I’d rather live my life in a way of my choosing – it’s my life, after all. I was a father by then, and I made sure my kids remained a priority. But I also sought to make a life that embraced the ways I needed to transform – spiritually, emotionally, psychologically.
- Marriage advice point 2: Don’t have kids until you’re in your mid 30s, after you’ve embraced the life you want to live for yourself, and you’re sure you aren’t living the life your parents, society, friends, etc. want you to live. Try to have them by your early 40s so you have the energy to keep up.
- Marriage advice point 3: Stay married. Yeah, I know, I said that my ex and I couldn’t have stayed together all these years. And some marriages have abuse problems that shouldn’t be tolerated. But now with children in high school, and me spending a lot of weekends alone, trolling for company and dates, let me say I’d much rather be going on family picnics, taking naps in the hammock, being a homebody, having feminine energy in my life. Oh, and I’d rather be sleeping with a woman every night than going to bed solo. (Remember, though, I didn’t follow marriage advice points 1 and 2 above, so all bets are off when you come to this last bullet point!)
When I proposed to my wife on the sands of Kaanapali beach, I assumed we’d spend our lives together. As husband and wife, not coparents.
Marriage advice aside, there’s no question there are a lot of positives in my life that came out of divorce. By living on my own, I’ve embraced the life I needed to discover for myself.
Take my marriage advice with a grain of salt. Everyone’s different.
At any rate, divorced or not, I did get married 19 years ago. Happy Anniversary to me.
- Do Divorced Dads Need to Have More Kids to Find Love?
- Failed Marriage or Success?
- Believe in Me
- A Happy Couple
- Relationship Test – Who Picked the Wedding Cake?
- Get Divorced!
- Divorce Didn’t Make Me a Homebody – So What Did?
- Jon and Kate Divorce – What the Future May Hold
- Great Books for Relationship and Divorce Advice
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Comment by Yummy Mammy
| May 6th, 2009
I was a too much too young person and I agree on your advice. Twenties are your time, leave the grow up stuff till your thirties
Yummy Mammy´s last blog post..High Drama At Yummy Mammy Towers
Comment by mama llama
| May 6th, 2009
Agreed.
My 10th is coming up this month. We haven’t celebrated an anniversary in two? three? years.
I constantly ask myself if I can merely coparent so as not to upset the kids’ balance. It’s not fair to me, the thought of sharing time like family picnics or bike rides the kids and I like to do together sends shivers through my body, and I can never share a bed with this man again.
But maybe I should stick it out for the kids. Follow your point number three since 1 and 2 are obviously shot to hell for me now.
Anniversaries are hard, nostalgic points. Nobody knows how to deal with them; I most certainly don’t, and can empathize just a bit how you feel now.
Be well, Dads.
mama llama´s last blog post..Happy May!
Comment by Just Me...
| May 6th, 2009
The situations are so different, but I wish my husband could make our daughter the priority.. It’s not happening.. But I can still wish…
Have a Happy Day.. :)
Just Me…´s last blog post..FINALLY!!! THE OFFER!!!!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| May 6th, 2009
The only marriage advice I have ever heard that is worth a damn came from Kevin Bacon:
Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..A Word from The Wise
Comment by Ditz
| May 6th, 2009
Dads, I am not so sure about the waiting part, both on marriage and having kids. I did both, and still ended up divorced. Now I find myself MUCH older than my parenting peers, and its my dating pool seems to be populated by bearded retirees. I kind of wish I done it all earlier.
Comment by Susan
| May 6th, 2009
I’d also add: spend your 20’s dating and discovering what you like and don’t like in a partner and relationship. I met my ex when I was barely 22. He was my second serious boyfriend, actually my second boyfriend period. My ex has good qualities, of course, but if I knew then what I know now about myself and us I would not have married him; we were not compatible or “connected” in the way I need, and will never be. In retrospect, I see maybe we both needed to grow and mature, just in different ways.
I’m sorry you are feeling sad, or seem to be, about the day. That’s normal, but continue to focus on the positives and look forward, not back.
Comment by justrun
| May 6th, 2009
Pretty good advice! And it reassures me that being older is a good thing for a marriage.
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| May 6th, 2009
Happy Anniversary to you! I’m glad you can still look at it in a positive light to celebrate it.
My son is 3.5 yrs old – his new favorite tv show is “Special Agent OSO” on the Disney channel. Oso, the little bear, has an Eastern philosophy to him, because when anything goes wrong, he always says, “It’s all part of the plan.” It’s my new favorite daily motto.
So David, your marriage, your divorce, your spiritual growth & awakenings in life.. It’s ALL PART OF THE PLAN! :)
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| May 6th, 2009
The best thing to be said about having children while you’re young is that you are still young when they are grown! :)
Comment by debra
| May 6th, 2009
I think I love Oso the little bear!!
Comment by *Juliette*
| May 6th, 2009
This summer will mark the 30th anniversary of my marriage. Every year it is a little sad for me to note that date. My ex and I made it to 21 years, then it was over, for all of the reasons you listed. I married him when I was 24, much too young to think of any of those things. I had my first child at 30 and my second at 35 which was a good age for me, and I wouldn’t change that. But now, having had to raise them at the most trying time (teenage years) and having to face the empty nest all by myself I know that it would have been so much better to share all of this with a partner every day. I have forwarded your post to my children in the hope that they will consider your advice.
Comment by Mark
| May 6th, 2009
You have learned much along this marital and divorce parts of your journey. Happy anniversary, may we all learn from your lessons. One of the things that I do enjoy about your thoughts on this is that I do not sense any bitterness, only the lessons that you have taken away from the experience.
Mark´s last blog post..Respect In Relationships
Comment by Honey
| May 6th, 2009
The BF and I have been together 3 years…we are 30 this year and probably won’t get married for at least another 2-3 years (after we pay off our consumer debt). We’re not having kids so we just get to enjoy each other :-)
Comment by MindyMom
| May 6th, 2009
Wow, I would have to agree with you David. Myexperience mirrors yours in many ways. I was married in 1990 as well so this year would also be my 19th anniversary had we stayed married. Since I married when I was 20 (stayed married for 12 yrs.) and immediatley started having kids, I’ve always told my daughters to wait to marry until they are at least 32. 32 also happens to be the age I was when I got divorced. Be it the age or the wisdom gained since divorce, I was not living my own life before then.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Right Now
Comment by Andrea
| May 6th, 2009
Happy Anniversary I suppose. I would agree with your point 1 and 2. I got married at 23 had a baby weeks before my 25th birthday. The last 8 years of marriage have been interesting, good, bad and ugly. If I knew then what I now I would have waited. But hindsight is 20/20 they say.
Andrea´s last blog post..The Stand-Off Has Ended
Comment by JJinSD
| May 6th, 2009
I have had the exact same experience as you. I was married to my first GF we met in HS and we married at 26. Against our friends and parent’s advice and we divorced 9 years later. I think my son will get those same points, there is no hurry. Life is a fine wine, no rush to finish it once you open the bottle and let it breathe a bit.
Comment by dadshouse
| May 6th, 2009
I’m definitely not bitter. A bit disappointed, but I also see the good in how my life has unfolded. Melancholy seems a good term.
I like Cathouse Teri’s advice about dirty sex.
Does OSO the bear have a hottie zoo keeper he can set me up with? (haha)
Comment by krn
| May 6th, 2009
Aaw, David. Yes, happy anniversary to you. It is a date worth remembering and celebrating for what your love and marriage have brought.
I followed all of your advice and I’m still a single mom right now. My mate was younger and not ready for marriage or parenthood, though we didn’t feel the effects of that until much later. I’m thankful for most of the ways our lives have changed since we parted ways. Like you, I’m living a life that allows me to create a path that is more authentic and meaningful. It is lonely sometimes, though.
You got engaged on Kaanapali beach? Very nice. Since I lived on Maui for nine years and vacationed there prior to that, I have many wonderful memories of Kaanapali. I fell in love twice on the slopes of Haleakala. Maui will do that. It’s magical, gentle and so romantic.
The yacht trip is calling me. I can almost hear the waves gently rolling up and splashing it’s sides. So, who’s up for some snorkeling, followed by some fresh sashimi and a cocktail at sunset? ;)
Comment by Laura
| May 6th, 2009
Happy Anniversary!
Good thoughts on the advice, however my daughter pointed out she’d be a different person, if I had done anything different.
In that regards, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Laura
http://primaryparentingonpurpose.com
Laura´s last blog post..99 Reasons to Say the Serenity Prayer
Comment by T
| May 6th, 2009
I also like Cathouse Teri/Kevin Bacon’s advice!
You do seem melancholy. Me too. In fact, the fun contest is a great distraction to how I’m really feeling.
The thing is, I often wonder if we’d have realized how nice we had it – having someone to share life and a bed with – if we hadn’t lost it. You know the old “Don’t know what you got, til its gone” thing?
It sounds like we need to meet for a drink and great flirty conversation, yes? Perhaps a nice long bike ride?
Now, if only I lived in the Bay area…
T´s last blog post..Masturbation Celebration
Comment by junctionmama
| May 6th, 2009
Great advice. Unfortunately my soon to be ex realized he wasn’t living for himself until after we had a baby, ooops!
junctionmama´s last blog post..Kids at the comedy bar!
Comment by PT-LawMom
| May 6th, 2009
Great post, again. Hope you find that person to grow old with.
PT-LawMom´s last blog post..My Favorite Things
Comment by Shelle-BlokThoughts
| May 6th, 2009
I was married at 21… I had kids a couple of years later… we are only 10 years in, but I’m absolutely still completely happy and in love… WE have been able to explore ourselves within our marriage. We have our own ME times… we enjoy different hobbies…
Yet we found what we love together… and we get to grow and explore as human beings that way also… it isn’t always easy, and if you recognize that as you go throughout the years that your spouse won’t be the same person they were when you married them, that they will change and grow… then you recognize that you have to continually get to know them… fall in love with them over and over again.
Our one rule is that our SPOUSE comes first… even before kids. We have to be each others priority. It’s not always easy, not always done… but most of the time we do all right.
I’m kinda excited that we started early.. . and that by the time we are done raising our kids… we will still be relatively young to play around and LIVE life when they move out!!!
K… sorry about the POST in your comments! :)
Comment by Janet
| May 6th, 2009
Hm, interesting advice. I don’t agree so much with #2 from a female standpoint just due to potential fertility issues and such. I do agree that people typically should wait longer to get married than they do!
My “anniversary” is coming up in a couple months…I’m just hoping to be divorced by then! Also hoping you meet a red tantra goddess very soon. :)
Janet´s last blog post..Sometimes you just need a dancing bird to start the week.
Comment by Susan
| May 6th, 2009
I wonder if you are feeling melancholy about what could/should have been instead of what really was?
At 41 and separated for almost a year, I am just now beginning to learn what it means to live for myself. My kids are and will be my main priority but I am making sure that I take time to do the things that I want to do, not what everyone expects me to do.
Best of luck to you.
Comment by Damo
| May 6th, 2009
Hey Dave,
This is a pretty good topics and some good comments above.
My advice (as an older guy to younger marrieds) is to keep up communication. Talk about the things that are good and bad, no matter uncomfortable you feel. If that’s 2 way then you are always a good chance.
Second thing is when I divorced I started making new memories. Makes it so easy to close the old, I have never looked back and as such don’t even notice anniversary dates or the like.
Good luck,
Damo
Comment by Debbie
| May 6th, 2009
this post touched me! first it helped to know from you and the commenters that being aware of the ‘anniversary’ is normal! In may ,also, is mine! would be 17 years..we made it to 14 1/2…and would have been together a total of 21 years this year! It ironically is also the day I found out about the G/F.. (on our 14th wedding anniversary!! )..so I do think of it…remember…wonder a bit at the ‘what it’..but more the ‘what next’! I agree older is better! and yet its so much more about being sure that you know the person and are not compromising any part of you to be with them! No matter your age or stage!! thanks for the post.
Debbie´s last blog post..a birthday.. sad and happy at the same time
Comment by notasoccermom
| May 6th, 2009
Happy un-anniversary!
I was married at 19! Lots of pressure friends were all getting married, and my ex and I dated since I was 15, he 16.
Had I stayed married, last June would have been our 20th.
But, although I agree with you that too young and inexperienced is not a good recipe for success, I dont think there is a recipe.
Call it fate, or luck or just life.
I know couples who met in gradeschool who are still together 50+ yrs later. I have met people who spend most of their adult life looking for the perfect soulmate to die alone.
After my divorce, I did a lot of changing. For the better, in ways I would not have had I stayed in that relationship.
I think that things happen for a reason and there was a reason I was married, had kids and also reason for the divorce.
Great thought provoking post.
notasoccermom´s last blog post..Prom went off without a hitch
Comment by dadshouse
| May 6th, 2009
Great comments, all.
Shelle – sounds like you have a rockin’ good marriage! Congrats. My aunt and uncle were that way. They supported and respected each other, no matter what changes they both went through. It was true love.
Susan – I think I’m more melancholy that I’m alone, not that my wife and I divorced. I do see the powerful transformations I’ve been through. And I have enjoyed my “me” time. Being alone for so long has really allowed me to get in touch with myself (that sounds so new-agey.) At this point in my life, though, I’m very much ready for a partner again.
A red tantra partner would be nice, indeed. Or at least a woman who likes her sex a little dirty… heh. (It’s not all about sex – I’m just responding to earlier comments)
Comment by Me Thinks
| May 7th, 2009
I read this post yesterday and it took a while to sink in. Then the lightbulb came on and I realized MY un-anniversary is within the next week too. WTF? It didn’t even cross my mind. We were married 10 years, together for 14. I celebrate my divorce date now – it was the first day of the rest of my life, for good and bad.
I think the advice to wait to have kids is NOT good given we are now living in the era of “the great fertility crisis”. I know people who waited, got into mediocre marriages post-35 just so they could have kids. I imagine in 5-8 years they will be divorced and in the same position as I am, just older. I think if you want kids you need to seek that relationship in your late 20s/early 30s so you have time to nurture it first.
My advice – wait to marry until your late 20s (ie, 27 or older). But more importantly – know each other for at least a few years first, live together if possible. And enjoy a few years married before you even think about kids. In other words, figure out how to live in a partnership first. Thats 6-8 years before kids which is why I would recommend making steps towards that in your late 20s.
I think my ex and I timed things right. You can’t know all the curveballs life is going to throw at you. I do regret waiting for things that were not directly in my control to get better on their own. I tell my married friends to work hard to maintain and grow your relationship – communication, respect, sexual contact, etc. I also think those of us that are “seasoned” by divorce probably make great partners since we’ve learned so much and don’t take it for granted. Of course we are so so so much choosier, for the right reasons. That is why you are single David!
I wish it wasn’t but the old saying that nothing worthwhile is ever easy is true.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| May 7th, 2009
I’m with Me Thinks. I celebrate my divorce. My wedding day was May 16 ~ 28 years ago ~ we were married for 18 of those years. It goes by entirely unnoticed by me now. However, this year marriage is on my mind as I’m traveling to Utah for my niece’s wedding ~ and she’s getting married that very same day.
Life goes on. :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Amazing Grace
Comment by Marc
| May 7th, 2009
Unfortunately, the bulk of prevailing research about marriage contradicts your advise. There is a core-belief the if you marry later you marry better. Age makes a difference in the teen years, but after 21 has very little effect on lowering the risks of divorce. The relationship of age to predicting marital stability tends to be more curvilinear than linear meaning that marrying in your teens or in your 30s presents a higher risks of divorce than in your 20s.
Comment by QTMama
| May 7th, 2009
I love my divorce, I love that I’m divorced!
We were married young, and hell, at 21? I loved him like a 21 year old loves someone. As we grew up, we grew apart. But we have one helluva daughter together, and for that, I’m grateful to him. :)
QTMama´s last blog post..I’m Just Sayin
Comment by Laura
| May 7th, 2009
Agree with all of those!
My age coupled with my naievity were ultimately what aid the break down of my marriage. I had no life experience but desperately wanted it and you often cant get that with someone, you need to get it on your own!
I am ready to get married now – lol – I dont particularly want to get married now but am in a place where I think I can handle the commitment and challenges that a marriage has!
Comment by Twenty Four At Heart
| May 7th, 2009
Marriage is hard. Now, in my forties … everyone I know seems to be divorcing or are already divorced. I know many people who are happier divorced and others who are lonely. A friend of mine is a prominent divorce lawyer – he tells me so many stories. Recently he sent me a long article detailing all the positives of divorcing. It was really interesting. I’m going to bring some of it into my blog in the next week or two.
Comment by FJ
| May 11th, 2009
I can’t agree with point 1. I’m only 3 years into my marriage, but dated my wife for 4 years…we met when she was 18 and I was 22. I’m going to be 30 this year and couldn’t be happier. I know these rules aren’t meant to be absolute, but I think today, people wait a bit too long to get married, get too used to a lifestyle where they party (read: allow themselves to act like college kids) for far, far too long, fail to ever grow up, and then are never happy & feel like they settle. Plus, feritlity problems abound for women who wait too long to have kids, so if you want kids, don’t wait too long! Or at least get checked out & make sure you’re okay to wait a while (guys who cycle every day, I’m looking at you…)
As far as point #2 goes, we’re expecting our first child & she will be 26 when the baby is born. She couldn’t be happier at being a mother & we can’t wait to add to our family & our life.
I think part of the problem today is that fewer people have strong cultural upbringing. While my family is definitely American, I was rooted in traditional values – they just happen to be Italian (parents born there but no accent or anything; immigrated when little). There’s something to be said for that. My wife has no Italian blood, but she had a big family; fun-loving, cool people & lots of cousins with lots of interaction amongst them. Same here. When you’re stable in your upbringing & famly life, you know what you want earlier in life, and you can therefore be happier earlier in life with decisions like marriage & children. So these rules in this post are for a certain sub-set of society as it would, of course, be impossible to apply them to everyone.
Comment by GK
| May 11th, 2009
Twenty Four at Heart, I would love to see that article. I’m about to “celebrate” my 13th year of marital torpor, having just turned 45. I followed rules 1 and 2, but can’t say they got me anywhere. We have had separate bedrooms for 8 years, and truly just coparent. In the meanwhile I feel like my life is passing me by; I have no real freedom as my wife pretty much tells me what she has planned for every weekend (always kids-centric) and so life consists of work and kids. I like my work and love my kids but there is barely any space for exercise, let alone a hobby or a social life (she’s American, I’m not – when she got pregnant in 2000 she announced she was coming back to the US and I had to go along, so my friends and family are on the other side of the planet).
I have some guy friends who are divorced (instituted by their wives) and they tell me it is terrible, the court always finds against them no matter how ridiculous the claims of the STBX. But I am tempted anyway – I want to have a life, and I want a shot at finding true happiness. I used to scuba dive and had just started paragliding when I met my wife and those activities came to an end; when we had a big fight recently that looked serious I first went through a terrible depression and then started to think about the fact that if I had some weekends to myself I could actually start to live again. So I am terribly conflicted and your article may help.
Comment by Kevin
| May 18th, 2009
Dude, I totally agree with your points. I got married when I was 32 and that was still probably too early. It probably would have been worse if I married in my 20s. Yes, I was doing everything to make everyone else happy. Now, I’m trying to make myself happy. Great post!
Kevin´s last blog post..Apologizing to the Austin crowd
Comment by AngryDad
| May 23rd, 2009
If i were to impart any wisdom from the failure of my first marriage it would be this blog post exactly. There’s no need to rush out and get married. If i would have waited and gotten married around 30 instead of 21, i can guarantee things would have been alot different. But, it has given me plenty of ammunition for my blog.
AngryDad´s last blog post..How to enjoy Memorial Day
Comment by Tishia Lee
| May 31st, 2009
I wasn’t married to my son’s dad but we had been together (and were engaged) for a long time. We were young and had our son when I was only 23 and he was 22. Life changed that’s for sure. He wasn’t ready to give up his ‘freedom’ that a baby required you give up. Hell I even had a hard time giving up my partying and doing what I wanted when I wanted ways.
I look back now & at 34 I totally agree with the marriage advice you gave. Had we been married back then when I was in my 20’s it would have never lasted. I definitely agree about waiting to have kids until your in your 30’s. And I’m all about getting married and staying married.
Tishia Lee´s last blog post..Another Entry for a Contest
Comment by Jonathan
| July 8th, 2009
Hey, no 1 and no 2 are really extreme to me, lol. I personally would like to get married soon and have my children. There are more time to be with your family then.
Comment by marriage advice
| July 27th, 2009
Good advice, more people seem to be taking this 30’s route due to economics. Most people that I see when I go to town seem to be getting married younger.
Comment by DD
| September 14th, 2009
I think this just underscores….you goofed when you divorce and should have worked it out…too bad for your kids.
Comment by Tina
| November 22nd, 2009
I came upon this web sight by accident while I was looking at images of Greece for my 15 yr old daughter. Paths are put in front of us and we are graced at the strangest times. Interesting advice for young people. However, as a single mother of three and a first time college student at 40 I’d like to throw in my two cents for what it’s worth. If you get married and you bring children into this world then make it work!! Your children are more important than your own happiness. It is a very selfish thing to create a family and change your mind half way through because you aren’t happy. You chose your path now follow through and make it work!!