Romantic Compatibility – On Paper
I recently had a first date with a woman who Chemistry.com told me I had romantic compatibility with. How well did they do? Granted, Chemistry’s romantic compatibility assessment was on paper. But I have to admit, they did pretty darn well.
Maybe too well.
Besides my date being attractive (a quality which has no dimension in Chemistry’s romantic compatibility test. After all, beauty can’t be found in a checkbox) – this woman had several qualities which I felt made her a great fit for me. She was:
- Sexy
- Educated
- Spiritual but not religious
- Self-aware
- A good conversationalist
- With a philosophical bent (she’d even read Ken Wilber’s views on sex and God.)
And there lay the problem. Our first date was so full of heady conversation, it lacked any… what’s the world… chemistry? (Ironic, no?)
Oh, I tried to flirt like crazy. We met for drinks in the candlelit bar of a nice restaurant, and our vodka martinis were perfect. But every time I tried to crack a joke or drop a pop culture reference, she’d drag things back to a serious note.
Seems she so trusted our romantic compatibility report, she didn’t feel a need to explore the unknowns between us. Instead, we talked about philosophical things. She even emailed me after the date, sharing her delight in the conversation we had. Which made me wonder – was our romantic compatibility such that if we dated, she’d expect deep conversations every night?
Don’t get me wrong, I like exploring the spiritual/psychological side of things. I’ve done my share of that here on my blog.
But a first date should be fun! There should be sparks, innuendo, wry smiles. I don’t expect things to build to a tantric-breathing finale of first-date sex. But I at least want to feel some heat.
Romantic compatibility is fine to compute on paper. But in the end, it has to be felt in person.
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Comment by Andrea
| May 14th, 2009
I’m all for deep conversations, once you know a little bit about someone. There needs to be some flirty chat and a little bit of the “what do you like” stuff on a first date. A little joke here, a subtle touch of hands there and maybe a nice conversation on ecology or politics to round out the night. But first dates should be fun too.
It’s hard to see how you’ll get along without meeting. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. Maybe you should direct any future first dates to this post first :)
Comment by Me Thinks
| May 14th, 2009
Have you considered a 2nd date and doing something more fun or activity oriented? There might be more to it, if she is compatible with you on so many levels you should do something again only this time I’d make it something that gets you out doing something so you could see if there is another facet to this woman.
Comment by debra
| May 14th, 2009
I sometimes come across way too serious on a first meeting, especially if there is a lot of common ground on interests and beliefs to discuss. Sometimes I’ll leave a first date thinking that the conversation got too in depth and heavy and wasn’t lighthearted and fun enough. I think that Me Thinks has the right idea, definately an activity oriented 2nd date to make sure things can be more lighthearted. Don’t give up on this super serious woman…it may just take her some time to lighted up, but once she does, it may be the connection you’ve been looking for!
Comment by Just Me...
| May 14th, 2009
Oh, I’d give it another shot.. Let’s be honest. Finding someone with whom you have so much in common warrants at least one more try.. What have you got to lose? A night spent in deep and interesting discussion vs. um, nothing?
Good luck!!! :)
Just Me…´s last blog post..House Update #57683
Comment by MindyMom
| May 14th, 2009
I agree that first date should be a little more playful. It’s good when you can have deep conversations too but I’d want to know the guy can let loose and have fun.
Definitley worth a 2nd shot though.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Sharing your Story or Airing Dirty Laundry?
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| May 14th, 2009
I don’t know, but this sounds like a winning situation to me. I think women fall in love with their heads first (after the initial attraction) and their libidos second. Men tend to fall in love in the opposite way – physically, THEN mentally. That’s just my opinion. This woman could be an intellectual – and HOT in bed too. You are just fanning the flames that could very well ignite an inferno. I think a second date should be a given! (And she could have just been nervous, too. Sometimes I talk alot when I really like a guy)
I dated a guy once and we kept it just to high level conversations for about a month – then when we FINALLY crossed the line into the physical realm, it was quite AMAZING.
ps: no way would she expect deep conversations every night – there’s too many other things to keep her occupied! :)
Comment by Mark
| May 14th, 2009
Interesting. I would take this to the second date, see what happens. Could be that conversation was her protective suit, her way of feeling you out and keeping distance. Sometimes the sparks come later. I wouldn’t give up on this one just yet.
Mark´s last blog post..Leaning Allowed
Comment by Honey
| May 14th, 2009
I’m with everyone else – definitely a second date, and make it activity oriented. Also, when you plan the second date, you might say something to let her know that you’re expecting a lighter mood. Or pick something that makes that obvious – an arcade or something.
Honey´s last blog post..Stomp, Anniversaries, Obama, and Vacations
Comment by April
| May 14th, 2009
The same wouldn’t be true for me. Give me a good political and/or philosophical discussion and I’m turned on!
April´s last blog post..Weekend Wrap-Up
Comment by dadshouse
| May 14th, 2009
April – I know that some people really love intellectual talk. I’m very well educated, but I also like to joke around. When my sense of humor is deflected toward more serious topics, it ends up seeming like not a good fit for either of us!
I do appreciate that she might have been nervous. I think there’s something about meeting a person who you’ve been “told” you’re supposed to have fantastic romantic compatibility with that removes some of the mystery from the “getting to know you” process.
Comment by Me Thinks
| May 14th, 2009
So Dads are you going to try again with this one?
Comment by Edgar
| May 14th, 2009
You know, David, you have been lamenting the lack of a good woman in your life, and now you’re ready to give up on a promising one after one date? Take her dancing or somewhere that you CAN’T have an in-depth intellectual conversation and see how it goes. Then you’ll know. Send her that Marc Anthony/Gloria Estefan link on youtube, just to forewarn her as to what to expect…
Comment by Tanya
| May 14th, 2009
I agree that first dates should be fun :) But..I also think a first date isnt enough time to accurately guage a person. I’d say give it another shot :)
Tanya´s last blog post..I heard a rumour..
Comment by dadshouse
| May 14th, 2009
One first date I had post-divorce started horribly. I wasn’t terribly attracted to her. I didn’t feel like we were a match “on paper”. But by the end of the date, I had gotten to see sides of her that completely drew me in. Talk about romantic compatibility – I couldn’t wait for date number two! In fact, I didn’t wait – I called her the very next day.
That woman and I ended up dating for a year, and almost led to marriage.
I didn’t feel that way with this new woman. Maybe if I’m thinking so much, it’s a sign I’m just not that into her. But you all are right, I won’t really know until date number two.
Comment by Jimmy
| May 14th, 2009
50, 000, 000 Elvis fans can’t be wrong . . . what do you have to lose by giving this a shot?
Comment by notasoccermom
| May 14th, 2009
I really know what you are saying.. it is good to have things in common but…
I tend to run off at the mouth.. I divulge way more than the man expects or wants.
Some people stick to what they ‘think you want to hear’ out of nervousness.
But it does come down to more than giving her a second chance. You have to know that YOU want a second chance too.
Sounds like you didn’t feel it.
But then, I have been single WAY too long
notasoccermom´s last blog post..Mothers Day and Such
Comment by Sandra
| May 14th, 2009
I know what you mean, I’ve had dates like that where everything was great on paper, but there was a lack of chemistry for whatever reason on the date. It happens.
I’ve been in both situations. I’ve been kinda serious on first dates, before, and sometimes I’ve been playful and the guy was too serious.
If you were at least attracted to her, or feel that you may be I think you should at least give her another chance.
My best friend almost passed up a date with a great guy because she didn’t think he was sexual enough for her. She ended up giving him a second chance, and he proved her wrong. I’ve never seen her so happy with someone, and he is a wonderful guy.
Sandra´s last blog post..9 Years Ago Today
Comment by krn
| May 14th, 2009
Interesting. Sounds like you need a second date that is physically active to get out of your heads and into your hearts. How about doing something together that neither of you are already good at? Maybe a shooting range (unless you’re 007-ish and we don’t know about it)archery, drum circle or a drop-in ballroom dancing class? That way you can get close physically as you help one another learn. A date like this is bound to bring some laughs, if she has a sense of humor at all and will get you close enough to see if there is energy when you make close contact.
This one sounds second date worthy, Dad’s.
Comment by Janet
| May 14th, 2009
Maybe she was just trying to “do well” at the date and impress you? Sounds like you DO have a lot in common…maybe give it another try and see if she loosens up a bit! Good luck!
Janet´s last blog post..My Mom
Comment by Erica
| May 14th, 2009
I just had one of these dates! It was like dating ME! I’ve gotta say, while I quite like me… I’m looking for someone who will show me different perspectives – not my clone.
Erica´s last blog post..Boomophobia
Comment by cellogirl
| May 14th, 2009
And maybe the second date will lead to that magical #3.
Getting trapped in head space and out of body instinct is why lately I’ve steered away from the online thing. I learn more about how I feel about someone in 10 seconds of face to face time than I do in pages of emails, which can often just get me thinking about their grammar and punctuation and must read list rather than who they are and if I can be myself around them.
Comment by Lori
| May 15th, 2009
I wouldn’t even give up after date 2. Try a 3rd date and don’t “expect” 3rd date sex. Just enjoy the company and try to have some fun. Give it a chance to grow. I think you’re giving up way too quickly on some of your dates. Maybe you’re sabotaging your own love life and you don’t even know it.
Comment by Laura
| May 15th, 2009
Possible you were too compatible? First dates definately do need spark and excitment and not a whole lot of deep meaningful conversations :)
Laura´s last blog post..Speaking out
Comment by Amy
| May 15th, 2009
Ack! Sounds like a dud, Dads. A first date without flirting is like a Cuban sandwich without the pickles. I think you have pointed this out elsewhere, but I find that some of the more “in-depth” dating sites that require endless questionnaires set up this false sense of compatibility–which some people take more seriously than others. There is also this understanding that you both are looking for a “capital-R” relationship, which raises the stakes and increases the chances of making assumptions, jumping too far ahead too quickly, etc. etc. It’s all so tricky…On the converse, when there IS real chemistry in addition to the assumptions based on “paper compatibility,” it can push you forward even faster at your peril (speaking from all-too-recent experience, sadly).
Amy´s last blog post..love (two takes)
Comment by dadshouse
| May 15th, 2009
Amy – yes, unrealistic expectations tend to crop up when using “in-depth” dating sites. I took an “in-depth” look at this here (I think this is the post you are referring to): http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/09/29/online-dating-expectations/
Now then, a Cuban sandwich with pickles sounds awesome right now.
Comment by The Exception
| May 15th, 2009
I have been on dates that are completely and totally dry… no humor, no flirting, etc… it is hard to give them a second chance but… who knows, maybe it is worth a shot?
The Exception´s last blog post..The Y
Comment by Person Person
| May 18th, 2009
Here how I think it works – a confident woman knows how to behave to make a man interested in her physically. It’s easy.
But it may or may not last. So it’s not very interesting.
If a woman is interested in a long-term relationship, she may want to start with her sexiness “turned off” – just to see if she really likes you as a person, if she enjoys spending time with you even when “the chemistry” is dormant.
So if she is comfortable with you as a person, she may start turning her sexiness on more.
Besides, let me be frank – your jokes are not in everyone’s taste. For instance, from your last post – your joke about $20 for saying the girls did spend the night at your house – yikes! I’d be freaked out, sorry.