Do You Find Me Attractive?
On recent first dates with two different women, I was asked point blank: “Do you find me attractive?”
To which I wondered – why on earth would someone ask that? On a first date, no less.
But ask they did. And so, with reader’s help, perhaps I can figure out why.
First of all, there’s more to attraction than looks. While I’d rather flirt than debate deep philosophical issues on a first date, I do find intelligence attractive. Compassion is attractive, too. So is a big smile, a fit body, a healthy lifestyle. I like a sexy woman, but sexy is an attitude. Looks are only one part of the attraction equation.
I can think of a few reasons why a woman might want to know know know! that the man she’d just met finds her attractive, and all these reasons relate to her previous relationships.
- Maybe her ex husband or former boyfriend left her for a physically more attractive woman. I can imagine that might rattle anyone’s cage. But I have to think there’s more going wrong at the end of a relationship than simply a man wanting a more beautiful woman on his arm.
- Maybe her ex husband or former boyfriend couldn’t get it up in bed, and he or she felt it was the fault of him no longer finding her attractive. Ladies, believe me – while men get turned on when they see a beautiful woman with a sexy body, we also get turned on by who you are inside. When sparks are there, it’s an all-consuming thing where we want to be with you. Sure, men are visual creatures, but sexual drive can arise for all sorts of reasons. If a guy can’t get it up, it might be him, it might be the relationship. Something is bugging him, and it’s not necessarily your looks.
- Maybe her ex husband or former boyfriend told her she was unattractive. I know that can happen, and it’s sad. There are a lot of men in the world who would never do that.
Bottom line – when these women asked “do you find me attractive?”, it made me think they were still wounded from a past relationship, or they were the type who needed constant approval.
Either way was a first-date mood killer.
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Comment by MommaSunshine
| May 20th, 2009
Personally, I’m not the type that would ask that – on a first date, or any other, I would trust in my date’s reaction to me to testify as to whether or not he finds me attractive.
Maybe you just weren’t giving out the, “I think you’re hot” vibes?
In fairness to these women, I think that there could have been other reasons, not necessarily that they’re wounded, that they asked you that question.
But I do understand why you might find it a turnoff…
MommaSunshine´s last blog post..Yes, I’m a Romantic at Heart
Comment by Kimberly
| May 20th, 2009
Wow, I would never ask that because it would put the other person in such an uncomfortable position. Maybe they see no point in continuing the relationship/date if you said no? But then maybe they are also looking for honesty? Either way, I think it is not a considerate question to ask someone on a first date, or second. I agree with you that attraction is based on many levels and it can develop over time. I’d love for you to continue on this topic in your blog! Great post as always.
Kimberly´s last blog post..What’s on Your Wish List?
Comment by Just Me...
| May 20th, 2009
Honestly, why even ask? If he didn’t find you attractive, why would he even waste time asking you out? Now, if there had never been a ‘date’ and he had shown up at your house at midnight randy and panting perhaps then it would be a valid question.. But you would already know his answer in that situation as well.. :D
Validation of yourself, regardless of circumstances, must come from within.. Otherwise, you will always be disappointed..
Just Me…´s last blog post..I’ve Found My Dream Job!!
Comment by vinomom
| May 20th, 2009
I think some women think they are being a “hard ass” by putting it to you point blank. I don’t think that’s attractive at all. They can find all the answers they need through body language and conversation. Maybe they think by asking that they are eliminating “games”.
Dating is a game – a game of courtship – and when you refuse to play you take some of the mystery and fun out of dating. There’s different levels to the game, of course, and I’m not condoning anyone being a player or whatever. But I think women and men don’t generally appreciate this balls to the wall style.
vinomom´s last blog post..
Comment by ilinap
| May 20th, 2009
Total mood killer! I can’t imagine asking that question. Perhaps I just don’t want to know the truth, but in any case, if *I* feel attractive, I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I feel kinda sorry for those women.
Comment by Me Thinks
| May 20th, 2009
My take is that these 2 women are looking for validation and they weren’t getting it from you in another way. I’d guess they are a a self-esteem low point.
Question: were they both truly physically attractive?
I would think if so, they are probably used to hearing it all the time from men and when you didn’t fawn over their looks they were asking outright. Ick.
If not, then I think they are probably down and need a boost to their self-esteem. Sorry for them but I’m not sure that is the girl for you.
I’m scratching my head at the “can’t get it up” scenario. Where on earth did you come up with that?
Comment by krn
| May 20th, 2009
Dad’s~ who the heck are you dating? ;) ;) Is this a Silicon Valley thing, this being so incredibly direct?
That would put me off, too. Subtlety and sensitivity are sexy on a first date. Bluntness on a first or even tenth date? Not so much.
If this question was asked in a certain sarcastic tone, in the heat of a moment, it *might* be a fun, humorous query in which a response would not be necessary. Otherwise, it’s a definite turn off.
It’s sunny here this morning, so it’s probably a gorgeous day there. I propose you go for a run and get a little sun on those legs today, Dad’s. That’s my plan for this morning, followed by some acupuncture or massage. It’s the perfect tune up for times when closer contact doesn’t seem likely. I highly recommend it.
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| May 20th, 2009
It’s ironic that the very nature of asking the question indeed makes them less attractive.
PS What’s with all these talking ads? They’re blowing my cover surfing the net at work! :)
Comment by notasoccermom
| May 20th, 2009
Interesting question.
After my ex left me, it was not for a more attractive nor yonger woman. It was for an ex girlfriend from 9 yrs back, high school girlfriend.
She was at least twice my weight, not attractive in looks nor in spirit. A mean and spiteful vengeful woman who struck out to ruin my life as some sort of payback for ‘getting the man she always loved’. She ended up cheating on him some 10 yrs later and he has since moved on.
But-
From first hand experience, he would not even LOOk at me in bed, he made me feel unattractive in every way in our last year together.
Although I would never come right out and ask, I needed validation for a long time. In some ways it was because of her, and not him.
But I can understand these women to a point.
However, that said, you are right, they are not in a frame of mind to be dating right now.
And certainly not someone as sane and intelligent as you.
notasoccermom´s last blog post..Girls Night Out- Then Climbing the mountain
Comment by Ditz
| May 20th, 2009
Dads, were you texting, or checking out other women? The only reason I could think of for asking such a direct question was that you were distracted or not paying attention, and they were calling you on it. Since I doubt you were, they had no right to put you on the spot on a first date.
Comment by Jimmy
| May 20th, 2009
Could it be more simple-Maybe just fishing for complements?
Comment by T
| May 20th, 2009
I suppose some people are unaware of body language? You can generally tell when a man is enjoying you… and that enjoyment of you means you’re attractive to them.
No matter what you look like!!
Besides, why would you be on a date with them if you didn’t find them attractive at first? It seems like a silly question.
We all want validation. That, I completely understand.
But as you said before, sexy is an attitude. You have to own it and work it just as you would your favorite outfit. Once you do that, your aura, presence and energy draws people to you.
That is the true attraction.
T´s last blog post..T’s Toybox
Comment by Abby Carter
| May 20th, 2009
I’m curious to know how you responded…
Abby Carter´s last blog post..Limbo
Comment by Honey
| May 20th, 2009
Fishing for compliments on a first date? Not so sexy.
Honey´s last blog post..Best. Party. Ever.
Comment by debra
| May 20th, 2009
Don’t know if you’ve already mentioned this, but I’m REALLY not a fan of the audio ads. It may be just my browser, but I can’t even locate them quickly enough to just click them off, they seem to move around on the page?
Comment by Laura
| May 20th, 2009
Yip they were looking for validation!
I dont ask do you find me attractive – cos its generally a given on a date? Unless its a total blind date. But what I do ask is WHY they chose me? And I am not looking for validation – it interests me to know what attracted men to ME? The answers I have received are so varied that its now become a fun excercise BUT I dont do it on date 1 :)
Laura´s last blog post..I am not judging – simple disagreeing!
Comment by Andrea as Venus
| May 20th, 2009
I would think anyone who has to ask this on a first date probably shouldn’t be on a first date. The clue to knowing if someone finds you attractive would be an invite to a second date!
I agree, looks are only a part of what makes someone attractive.
Andrea as Venus´s last blog post..Sign Language Wednesday
Comment by dadshouse
| May 20th, 2009
Great questions – both women were attractive, thought not hotties. One woman I definitely complimented early on in the date, saying she looked great, and that she was quite attractive. And I tend to give my full attention on dates. Yet she still asked later if I found her attractive. Weird. Maybe I was supposed to keep the compliments flowing?
Abby – with one date, I responded by touching her arm, and telling her that yes, I did find her very attractive. The other date, I didn’t feel it as much, and I just sort of said “yeah, you’re attractive.” I think she knew I wasn’t that into her!
On not getting it up – that has happened to me once in my life, and was due to inhaling way too much second-hand pot smoke at a concert. The woman freaked! This was our first time going at it (a third date), and she worried I didn’t find her attractive. Believe me, on future dates with her, I had no problems.
As for the audio ads – sorry! I will talk to my advertiser and see how to exclude those particular ads. Hopefully this can happen today.
Comment by Susan
| May 20th, 2009
Maybe their comments had to do with their recent dating experiences — for example, were they also doing online dating, or had gone out recently on other blind dates, and left with the impression that they weren’t attractive to their dates? I mean, I’ve heard stories about people blatantly saying, “You said you were [attractive quality], but you’re not.” Yowsa, bad manners all around! Could be that these women were paranoid or looking for validation based on recent experiences.
And, I would agree that it very well could have been based on a long-term experience with an ex. Either way sadly there are too many people — often women — with low self-esteem.
Susan´s last blog post..Taking a bow
Comment by John
| May 20th, 2009
I’d have to take a look at the only common denominator for both dates – you. Maybe, you were aloof? Maybe you gave off the I’d rather be somewhere else vibe?
John´s last blog post..Has Field Day lost its significance?
Comment by Dana
| May 20th, 2009
These women are obviously “words” women, in the context of the Five Love Languages. However, the fact that they are asking for verbal affirmation on the first date is perhaps a sign that they’re looking too soon for emotional bonding…?
Comment by dadshouse
| May 20th, 2009
John – great point. I might have been a little aloof with them, especially the second one. The first, I thought I was pretty attentive. Still, they might have politely let the date run its course, rather than ask me point blank if I found them attractive. That part was weird.
Comment by Kori
| May 20th, 2009
Maybe neither of them wanted to waste an entire evening with someone who didn’t think they were attractive; maybe assuming that they are somehow damaged goods isn’t the right assumption. Just an idea.
Kori´s last blog post..I Was GOING to Post Photos But….
Comment by annie
| May 20th, 2009
Maybe she wasn’t born with the “dating” gene. I know I wasn’t. I am a very literal person. Fortunately both of my husbands found/find this charming. It’s generally acknowledged that dating is a game, but the ability to play any game is not necessarily hard-wired or distributed evenly over the population. Not everyone can flirt or read body language (or give good body language for that matter).
Or maybe she just wanted to know and asked. In that case, should you go out with her again – you could ask her why she felt the need to ask such a question. It’s always a good idea to go to the source as opposed to polling those who weren’t there.
Comment by jason
| May 20th, 2009
dad
just curious, are the both recently out of their previous marriage or long term relationship, then i think your initial thoughts are possible (having gone through a brutal split-up it is hard to know how it will affect someone)
now, if they have had a while to recover from breakup of a marriage then they probably have self-esteem issues…
generally i do believe folks out in silicon valley are a bit more superficial than other parts of the US, i live in san francisco and it is up here too, but in a different way than silicon valley
Comment by Edgar
| May 20th, 2009
David – you didn’t note how you met these women. If you met them at the local taqueria and asked them out, the question would be very strange – presumably the reason you asked them in the first place was because you found them attractive.
If you met them through Chemistry.com, it might make marginally more sense, although the one you complimented early on in the date either wasn’t listening or really needed reassurance. But they both should have taken their clues about your feelings towards them from how you interacted with them – probably a more reliable indicator than an answer to such a blatant question.
In any case, it’s an awkward question to ask or answer on a first date – unless you’re quite enjoying each other and about to get naked. Even then, it’s a tad narcissistic.
Comment by The Exception
| May 20th, 2009
I am with Me Thinks and T on this one – not much more to say than that… though I can definitely see how the question can be posed, at the right moment, in a very sexy and flirtatious way… ;)
The Exception´s last blog post..Is It All Economics and Politics
Comment by MindyMom
| May 20th, 2009
I’d never ask that question of my date! Obviously his body launguage and our interactions would tell me the answer.
I’ve had a past experiences where I was left for another woman, but I never thought it was about my attractiveness – or anything about me really. Straying is about the person who strays.
Anyway, I would think a woman who asks that question is a tad (or more) insecure.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Rollercoaster Week
Comment by Janet
| May 20th, 2009
Ugh, how awkward. I would never ask that. One can usually tell, in my experience.
Janet´s last blog post..One.
Comment by dadshouse
| May 20th, 2009
Mindy – I agree with you, if someone strays it’s about them, and not about the attractiveness of the person they strayed from.
Jason – good analysis. They were both out of their marriages for several years. Not sure when their last dating relationship ended.
Annie – I agree asking the source is better than polling others. But there won’t be followup dates, so this became blog fodder.
Comment by Amy
| May 20th, 2009
Couple of notes: Isn’t it possible to find someone “attractive” but not be attracted to them? It’s possible to recognize that a person has a certain aesthetic appeal without feeling any actual chemistry or attraction between you.
Also, doesn’t asking a question like this on a first date lower their overall attractiveness? I mean, personality, confidence, and so forth factor in to the overall package, and this seems like a real turn-off to me–if not a red flag, then perhaps at least a dark pink one.
It reminds me of the first date I had not too long ago when the guy, hearing that my divorce was in process but not yet final, said, “You’re gonna get back with your ex, aren’t you?” It seemed a little strange, but I shrugged it off as a joke, or perhaps a sign that he was starting to be into me, because we were really hitting it off. We dated for a few weeks, had great times and became pretty close, but for some reason he kept teasing me about all the dates I was getting from the site where we’d met (I actually had only one other date during the time we were seeing each other because I hadn’t come across anyone else that seemed worth the babysitting money).
I’m sure everyone can guess who was the one who was still dating others despite insisting on our third date that he “wasn’t interested in meeting anybody else” and after our fourth declared I had “captured his heart” and he “cared about me deeply”–but who, perhaps inevitably, let me know a week later that he had “established a relationship with someone else”! (Oh, but he “did not want to upset” me because we had “developed a close friendship.” ugh.)
Beware the person who expresses this sort of insecurity, even jokingly–when someone is so worried about being hurt, they are usually driven to hedge their bets, and if they deem you the bad risk, that can really leave you out in the cold.
Forgive me for venting, folks–another war story from the trenches of post-divorce dating. Sigh.
Amy´s last blog post..love (two takes)
Comment by jason
| May 20th, 2009
amy,
sorry to hear about your recent dating ‘fun’
i have had similar experiences. i told a woman that had been divorced that i wasnt yet divorced, but my marriage is completely over…she lives in my neighborhood and is a single parent of a child about the same age as mine (4 years) and we just met to get a cup of coffee and hang out and we could have easily been friends, but she just couldnt get past my not-yet-confirmed-divorced status…
i am wating for the fun part of divorce :-)
i think venting is ok, right dad??
-jason
Comment by Alicia
| May 20th, 2009
Sorry you had to endure two blah dates. Not dates from hell, just blah. I think blah is worse than a date from hell. At least dates from hell give great humorous fodder for years to come. The ONLY thing you’ll likely remember about these blah dates next week is their insecurity. Turnoff. Women, if you’re THAT insecure, for godsakes, don’t broadcast it with a question like, “Do you find me attractive?”
Alicia´s last blog post..Where Have All the Single Dads Gone?
Comment by Sandrita
| May 20th, 2009
These women asked you that point blank because they’re probably used to being told how pretty they are, and you are the one of the few not to say anything. Sounds like they’re fishing for compliments.
It’s a huge dating foul for women to do that in my book.
Believe it or not, men are guilty of the same thing. I’ve had my dates ask me if I found them attractive or to tell me point blank what I thought of them.
Sandrita´s last blog post..Daddy is One Creepy Man
Comment by Jcubed
| May 21st, 2009
Recently, trading pre-date emails with a blind date, he sent, “you’ll know me when you see me, I look like a movie star: Shrek.” And then followed that message up with a comment about honesty and how shallow people can be.
All so very true and hurtful, when you’re the recipient.
If the ladies were fishing for compliments, that practice is still a symptom of low self-esteem. Been there, done that; it was the fallout of abusive husbands. It’s a terrible hole to climb up out of, and the importance our society places on physical beauty makes it more difficult for ‘average-looking’ people.
Many of us live the truth that what’s inside is more important than what’s outside. Unfortunately, our social mores do not reflect this attitude.
Comment by April
| May 27th, 2009
Forgive me if I missed the more salient points in the comments, but here are my thoughts. First, were they moms? I go through moods myself – sometimes I feel incredibly sexy and sometimes I’m just so exhausted and stressed by life that I couldn’t give a crap how I look! It’s not necessarily tied to my self-esteem, but to my mood at the moment. But definitely being a single mom, there are times where I wish for sexy flirting just for the sake of remembering that I’m a sexual being, too, dammit!
There may be a fear in these women that, as a divorced dad, you’re more interested in finding “wife” material than a few hot nights here and there. (If they read your blog, then no, but I’m assuming they haven’t.) They may have been trying to find out what it is you’re looking for – a wife, or something lighter. And sexier. (not that wives aren’t sexy, but…oh, come on, with you, do I really need to put all the disclaimers?)
Having said all that, I don’t think it’s something I would’ve asked on a date, but it is something I may ask if I’m interested in something more than friendship. I hate playing the dating game, and I pretty much suck at it, but is it possible that they didn’t know they were on a date? Was your invitation so casual that they weren’t sure what it meant?
In other words, I can think of a lot of other reasons besides their past relationships (although they certainly could be a factor) of why a woman, or in this case, two, may have been compelled to ask the question.
April´s last blog post..Kitchen bonding