When a Lover Wants Friendship and Romance
When it comes to lovers (i.e. booty call partners, not girlfriends), I’m pretty old school, in a modern high-tech sort of way. You text to hookup, have some fun, then go your separate ways, and generally don’t talk or hang out until your next roll in the hay.
I don’t recommend this sort of relationship for everyone, or even many, but for some it’s a perfect way to enjoy monogamous sensual fun in lieu of a dating relationship. (Busy single parents take note!)
One lover and I had been getting along just fine like this. But then she subtly asked for more romance and friendship.
Ugh.
Don’t get me wrong – I would rather have a girlfriend than a lover. And everyone can use more friends. But this woman and I wouldn’t last in a long term relationship. We didn’t click intellectually, and spiritually we were in very different places. All that was between us was physical attraction and sex. Pushing that physical intimacy toward something more seemed dangerous.
I’m not saying our get togethers had to be wham-bam-thank-you-ma’m affairs. We’d strike the right mood, talk, be silly, then turn up the heat and have some fun. But we both understood the difference between foreplay and romance, between hanging out and being good friends. (The converse is worth considering, too – can friends become friends with benefits, and not destroy the relationship?)
When she texted me for a day-long adventure, I knew it wasn’t good. It would be a chance to hike, swim, hang out, get to know each other more deeply. Nothing wrong with that, except that I sensed she wanted to move the relationship to another level.
I’d rather flirt over gin martinis, have some fun, cuddle, then head home.
And save the friendship and romance for my next girlfriend.
- Hooking Up – I Just Want To Be Your Lover
- Sex, God and a Well Hung Prana
- Sexy Arrangement
- Losing FWB Benefits
- Texting Goodbye to a Lover
- Sexy Hookups Make Blogging More Fun
- Premarital Sex and the Single Parent
- Hot, Sexy, Single – Law of Attraction
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Comment by MommaSunshine
| May 27th, 2009
…that’s the problem with FWB relationships…it seems like more often than not, one person starts developing deeper feelings for the other….
MommaSunshine´s last blog post..What’s so great about US, anyhow? Part II
Comment by *Juliette*
| May 27th, 2009
Yes, that’s a BIG problem with FWB relationships. Women tend to bond and get invested. We need more than casual sex. Calling something like a FWB monogamous doesn’t fit in our minds because that implies a relationship. Men as a rule tend to be able to compartmentalize having sex and having feelings, but most women can’t because of hormones produced by the brain after sex. Trying to go against nature does not serve us. DH, in wanting physical intimacy without any emotional bond, it seems you want something you’ll never be able to have because you are fighting years of evolution here.
*Juliette*´s last blog post..When Life Hands You A Lemon…
Comment by TentCamper
| May 27th, 2009
I am right there with you my man!
There is a big difference. Booty calls are nice and help some people get through to that next ‘real relationship.’ I can say that, for me, any booty call that I have ever had..had that stigma with it…one that would make it impossibe for me to respect that woman the way I should for a serious relationship.
Like ice cream…so good…but only hear and there…you know that you can not sustain on it…and long term…you just know that that is not the path that you want to go on.
TentCamper´s last blog post..Parents are F’ing Up Their Kids
Comment by Danielle
| May 27th, 2009
I had a FWB about 5 years ago and it lasted about 2 years. I always felt like I was there when he would call and he was never there when I would call, so I ended it. We ran into each other out one night and had a blast. His friends and my friends all became a little click, going out together often. We became sort of best friends. After about 1 year of this, he came to me saying he wanted to try to date me seriously.
He had become brotherly like to me and it was just too wierd. Why can’t people just let things be. Just my thoughts. BTW we are still good friends and now have play dates for our kids. Maybe there is hope for them. :)
Danielle´s last blog post..The mini panic attack
Comment by MindyMom
| May 27th, 2009
Having a “lover” is really the same thing as a FWB by what you describe. It is difficult to have a monogomous sexual relationship with someone but nothing more – for most women anyway. I understand the need for sex while trying to find someone with real reltionship potential, and also how going without sex can mean making a premature leap into bed with someone who does have relationship potential. Or believing sexual attraction and chemistry is enough to sustain a relationship. It’s all so complicated. But yeah, short of a real relationship any “arrangement” is not going to be fulfilling for both parties for very long. We crave intimacy and sex is so close to that it’s hard not have one without the other.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Life Goes On
Comment by Laura
| May 27th, 2009
This is the problem with FWBs! Do if for too long and one person generally does develop feelings!
Pity you guys dont connect tho!
Laura´s last blog post..Stepping Up
Comment by T
| May 27th, 2009
Yeah, and us girls seem to forget that our vaginas and our hearts are connected. :)
T´s last blog post..Pushing through Panic
Comment by katherine.
| May 27th, 2009
“Juliette” mentioned the chemical reaction (most) women have to orgasm which imprints our partner to us. Men apparently don’t feel this and the “FWB/lover/booty call” relationship can be maintained at a distance.
While most (if not all) of us girls have strong physical needs, the FWB gig often results in an emotional bond which draws us into wanting more.
maybe this also explains why we love our toys? smile.
katherine.´s last blog post..In Idaho…they are just a little more free…
Comment by Ashley
| May 27th, 2009
Which is a problem that most women seem to have, at least in my opinion. For men, sex and emotions are in completely different parts of a man’s mind. For women, they tend to go hand in hand. We like to put them in the same category, so when we have one, we tend to incorporate the other.
Ashley´s last blog post..Pre-Mama Drama
Comment by Honey
| May 27th, 2009
I echo katherine. I have never had a problem with FWB when I had them, but then again I’ve never had an orgasm from a man, so maybe that’s why I never bonded.
Honey´s last blog post..Vegas Memorial Weekend Sextacular: Preview
Comment by mama llama
| May 27th, 2009
No. Too hard.
Not much more to say on that! :)
Be well, Dads.
Comment by QTMama
| May 27th, 2009
It’s hard to know of any good that comes of it, isn’t it? I am trying to think of one …
*5 mins later*
Yeah I got nothing.
QTMama´s last blog post..Jerk Nails and A Story
Comment by dadshouse
| May 27th, 2009
I personally don’t think FWB’s are healthy at all. And I don’t see a lover as a FWB. FWB implies friendship, and I don’t sleep with my friends. That just confuses things for everyone. I have had lovers, and we have quite successfully engaged in physically intimate relationships that met certain needs we both had. This particular lover wanted more friendship, and, well, that starts mixing things up.
Maybe pushing all the lovers out of my life will bring me a girlfriend. I need to create that space first.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| May 27th, 2009
Lovers are great. I remember once telling a man that I didn’t think I could ever be in a relationship with a man again because I didn’t think I could find one I could live with. He said, “Well then you need to find one you can’t live without.”
I like your last statement above. You need to create that space first.
Again I say ~ stop having hamburger when you want steak!
Same old debate. I don’t mean to say that these women are hamburger. I’m saying the experience for you is. Hold out for the good stuff. It’ll happen.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Terminator Salvation
Comment by vinomom
| May 27th, 2009
I had one particular FWB for like four years. The sex wasn’t even that great after awhile, I just wanted the physical closeness. We started out trying to date, but he had some habits that I was not cool with. I don’t know how it turned into just a Sex thing, but it did. It was easy and convenient and I was able to keep the two separated, but that’s just me.
vinomom´s last blog post..Memorial Weekend Breakdown (I’m partied out!)
Comment by Andrea as Venus
| May 27th, 2009
I haven’t been in the ‘just lover’ situation before so I can’t say much about how you go about dealing with that conversation. I guess being honest would be the only way to go even though it may hurt the other person. If they want more and you don’t you have to move on.
Andrea as Venus´s last blog post..Sign Language Wednesday: Barbie
Comment by Sandrita
| May 27th, 2009
Interesting post. Nothing wrong with FWB, and like you I think it’s best to save the friendship and relationship for your next girlfriend.
There seemed to be a lot of “subtle” going on between you two.
Did she really know that it was a FWB situation ? Or was that just how it ended up ?
Instead of “subtly” dropping her, did you expressly explain why you think it wouldn’t work out ? Maybe you accidentaly gave out the vibe that you wanted her as more.
It is my personal belief that when the time is right God/the universe will bring her to you. You can go out and easily find any girlfriend right now, but I think the right one takes time.
I also believe that if you have different lovers occupying a space in your heart right now, that’s less room you’ll have when you meet the girl you want. You’ll be so wrapped up with their issues that you won’t have a clean slate for the next person.
I hope you’ll find the one for you soon.
Sandrita´s last blog post..Sweet as Candy
Comment by notasoccermom
| May 27th, 2009
Actually it seems I may be one of the few-
I dated a man, I fell hard quickly. He was attracted to me but didnt see us taking it to relationship status even though the sex was awesome.
I stayed in for the sex and eventually realized that we were better friends- and still great with the benefits.
We are great friends. and F- buddies. It works for us. We ‘hang out’ and talk but most times, personal lives, kids, families etc are not often brought up.
it is a fine line though. if I still had feelings beyond what we have, I would end the fun.
notasoccermom´s last blog post..Memories- Making New, Remembering Old and Fearing Potential
Comment by Amy
| May 27th, 2009
OK, here we go, a classic Dad’s House dating post! [rubbing hands together] If the FWB things works for you, more power to ya. I personally can never keep it just physical AND platonic. (At this point in my life I cannot so much as kiss a man on the mouth without inhaling enough of his DNA to trigger some part of my brain into going “BOYFRIEND!” much to my eventual dismay, usually.)
I suspect that is what’s happened to your friend, too. Musing here…I wonder if it’s more likely that women get attached than men and get those pesky emotional attachments going? I know it is at least partially about oxytocin and the other chemicals, and as I have read women are more susceptible…hmmm….
Amy´s last blog post..reading tonight at the bowery!
Comment by kmn
| May 27th, 2009
I’m wondering whether the two of you had a specific conversation about this arrangement. She obviously felt something or likes you enough to want to do more than just have sex. Was it clear from the beginning or did you fall into a pattern and assume she was on the same page.
Comment by dadshouse
| May 27th, 2009
Kmn and Sandrita – yes, we had specific conversations about having a physical arrangement. She’s actually a single mom, and our custody schedules simply don’t match up. Plus, our kids are such different ages, we can’t imagine a Brady Bunch family. And, we just don’t click intellectually or spiritually. At least “I” recognize the lack of click – maybe she thinks it’s there? At any rate, after our first two dates, we decided to be booty call partners, and not date. And she has subsequently pushed for something more “real”.
Amy – hahaha. I totally picture you rubbing your hands together, scheming your response! I do think men and women handle sex totally differently. Maybe they should bottle that oxytocin stuff, and you women can slip it into our drinks. (kidding!)
Notasoccermom – awesome arrangement! I’ve had two very successful FWB arrangements. They can work, and they do fill a need. (They also distract me from finding a real girlfriend, so they aren’t perfect)
Vinomom – if the sex isn’t great with a woman, I push eject immediately! I’d rather be alone that have crappy sex.
Andrea – yep, I agree it’s time to move on. Next!
Teri – welcome back! We missed you
Comment by The Exception
| May 27th, 2009
It can work but only in the right situation. I had such an arrangement with one of my dearest friends in the world. We can hang out, hit the beach, talk about anything and still have a great time physically. I can’t do it with just anyone though… we both know, without doubt, that this is as far as it goes and… the friendship is priorty
The Exception´s last blog post..Fear
Comment by April
| May 27th, 2009
*sigh* too bad you live on the other side of the CA coast. Your vision of FWB sounds perfect!
April´s last blog post..Kitchen bonding
Comment by SingleParentPlus2
| May 27th, 2009
You really can’t expect to take a penny, forever, without giving one up every know and then? Maybe, she just needs to cash in quality time for all the freebies?
SingleParentPlus2´s last blog post..Turn off the Television and turn on your life
Comment by krn
| May 27th, 2009
It can work~ if you truly are FWBs with the emphasis on the “F” parts. Both of them. ;) Are you sure she isn’t looking for friendship instead of a romance from you? Being in different places intellectually and spiritually presents an opportunity for growth for both of you. If you are the person who is more intellectually or spiritually focused, you have much to share that could bring richness to you. I’m sure she has some interests or attributes that you could learn from that are different from things you seem to be drawn toward.
I agree that making the space in your life for your future girlfriend is wise and necessary, but wanted to share another idea with you anyway. When given a choice between two alternatives, looking for a third choice can widen your life experiences. The third choice is usually something that you have to open up to, instead of following a usual pattern.
Is there any chance that you’re afraid of falling for someone that would change the plan you’ve made for yourself that involves being done parenting children roughly the same time your kids are grown, being with someone who adores you and is similar in education, life stage and her spiritual growth? All I’m saying is, is this the only option for you and if so, are you absolutely certain that this is your path?
Comment by dadshouse
| May 27th, 2009
Krn – great points to ponder. This woman is actually just as educated as me. So it’s not an education thing. It’s that we don’t click intellectually. For instance, I don’t do politics. Period. I don’t get along well with someone who only ever wants to talk about political stuff. We just don’t click. Spiritually, I need a woman who is at least self aware. Without that, there’s no connection.
Also, I disagree with you on the “F” part – I don’t think it’s healthy to sleep with a friend. FWB is really just a wimpy relationship. FBuddy (i.e. the other “F”) is a different beast, and can work just fine. But mix the Friend into it, and you probably should be dating.
Comment by movin down the road
| May 27th, 2009
I agree!!! The one time I did the booty call thing, it lasted about three days (over the course of two weeks). And I realized I did it out of anger for how I felt my situation was at that time. If that makes sense. And then I didnt feel much self respect….so I stopped and started watching alot of reality tv.
movin down the road´s last blog post..Transitioning Weekend
Comment by steph
| May 27th, 2009
This sounds like my situation. I actually am the one asking for a bit more. This has been a new concept (FWB) to me and I tried it. It worked for a brief period with another man, but I think that was because I was not ready for any emotional connection. However, in the present situation I was never after just the physical. So, I mentioned my thoughts and he said we are going to talk because the most important thing is the friendship for me.
I realize I am ready to move forward and want to be in a relationship. When I initally met the man I wasn’t ready for a relationship and we became friends. Funny that some of the things you have been posting recently, relate closely to my thoughts. I agree I don’t think you can be FWB. It is either the physical only or there is more of a dating relationship. Right now, I know I am falling into relatinship mode.
Comment by cellogirl
| May 27th, 2009
I don’t hear anyone discussing one night stands. Where does this lie in scale of booty partner to relationship? Maybe even further to the right of booty partner? Is it possible to establish enough of a connection to feel good about the sex, but have different enough lives that it is clear it can only be once?
I’m realizing FWB/lover situation does not work for me either, and feel nervous about a whole relationship. Now I am working on wishing into my 30 something single-mom-with-kids life a few 20 something Brazilian surfers. ;)
Comment by Kat Wilder
| May 27th, 2009
One must be clear: A FWB is never boyfriend/girlfriend material. It’s someone with whom you connect (strongly) on one level, and one level only: Sex. Because if you connect on more than that … well, something’s wrong with it being just FWB.
Even if the timing is wrong ( I’d be with you but I want kids and you have kids and don’t want more ….), it’s still about one thing.
I think more people say it’s “FWB” than fully believe it.
But, what the hell do I know?
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Is his equal the same as my equal?
Comment by krn
| May 28th, 2009
Great stuff here. Still, I’m not sure I believe that it’s ever just about one thing with anyone, only that’s what we sometimes know consciously. Men are so damn fascinating and yes, sometimes simple. When I’ve had sex with a man that initally is only about sex, I usually find other things I enjoy about him that once in a while, I’d like to be a part of. More times than not, the man is happy to hang out and share that interest or part of himself. It doesn’t mean that deep feelings or a greater connection develops, but friendship can. Maybe that interest is really just an unconscious longing for male energy or I enjoy having a male friend near that I’ve known physically so I can savor the memory, but I don’t think so.
I bet DH smells really good and his FWB wants to enjoy his scent more often. ;)
I’m overthinking this. LOL.