Get Divorced!
I was out on the town drinking gin and tonics the other night, when I chatted up two women at the bar. One was a little older than me, the other a little younger. They were fun, flirty, in a good mood.
Until they found out I’m divorced.
They turned deadly serious. “We’re both going through divorces right now,” they said. “Can you give us divorce advice?”
“Sure,” I said. I gave them the same answer I’ve been giving people for years: “stay married!”
Don’t get me wrong, a lot of good has come from my divorce. I’ve grown tons emotionally, psychologically, spiritually – in ways I wouldn’t have been able to had my ex and I stayed married, with life goals and plans completely at odds. (I can relate to reality-celeb Jon Gosselin’s divorce.)
But divorce is also the hardest things I ever went through. And now that I’m in a better place, it sure would be nice to have a woman in my life, see my kids all the time, stop trolling for dates, avoid booty calls like the plague. Nightly spooning with morning sex are good for the soul. (I know all the married people reading this will complain they never get laid. Hey, you could if you wanted to.)
I’m not bitter or depressed about how things turned out. But it sure would have been nice if my ex and I had both been able to grow in ways we needed to grow, without tearing our family apart.
The two women at the bar wanted nothing of my Pollyanna advice. They unleashed a deluge of negativity, spewing venom about their partners, telling me in no uncertain terms why they absolutely needed to get divorced.
“My husband left me for another woman,” one said.
“My husband’s an asshole, and three years of counseling didn’t change a thing about that.”
Believe me, these women had a lot to unload.
It reminded me that you really can’t advise others on matters of the heart. Sure, we all know what’s best for everyone else. But has anyone else walked in your shoes? Only you know what’s good for you.
“I’m changing my advice,” I said.
“You can’t do that,” they said.
“Sure I can. I think you both should get divorced.”
They gave me perplexed looks. I downed my drink, said goodnight and left.
- Relationship Compatibility
- Jon and Kate Divorce – What the Future May Hold
- Great Books for Relationship and Divorce Advice
- Failed Marriage or Success?
- Coparenting – How To Deal With an Ex
- Single Dads are Pathetic Womanizers and Partiers? WTF!
- Where do Jon and Kate Gosselin Live? In Denial
- Marriage Advice from a Divorced Dad
| 
Subscribe | © 2008-2010 David Mott, DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.
Comment by mariposa
| June 2nd, 2009
Wow.
When minds are made up, especially in matters of the heart, there is no changing minds. However, you can always plant a seed. Whether or not that seed germinates is not your issue, but you can be assured that you speak from a wealth of personal experience.
mariposa´s last blog post..importance
Comment by MommaSunshine
| June 2nd, 2009
That’s why giving advice is usually a bad idea…because what’s best for one person isn’t necessarily best for anyone else. All we can do is what feels like the best thing for each of us individually.
MommaSunshine´s last blog post..Mom Central Comes to Canada!
Comment by Ashley
| June 2nd, 2009
But I LOVE your advice and I’m afraid that they might get down the road and past their divorce and come to see exactly what you were saying. I’m glad you put that out there, even though they weren’t receptive to it!
Ashley´s last blog post..Who says bliss has to be wedded?
Comment by Alicia
| June 2nd, 2009
Blah – even with a couple drinks in em they just didn’t get your sterling sense of humor, and unfortunately needed to unload like you said. Good thing you nipped that in the bud! NEXT!
Alicia´s last blog post..BeginningEnd
Comment by Just Me...
| June 2nd, 2009
While I may not be the norm, I am gladly welcoming a divorce. It’s not that I completely hate my husband (okay, sometimes I hate him for a bit). In truth, I feel sorry for him. In the last few years, he’s alienated everyone in his life, including his daughter. I’ve tried to help him only to be rebuked as disloyal, un-everything, etc.. While I’m over being his wife and will no longer inflict him upon my child, I do wish him well for the future.
I can say that I think those who divorce with the vemon these women seemed to possess will regret it. Perhaps divorce IS the right course of action for them, but it is how you behave while getting one that will show your true colors…
Just Me…´s last blog post..Last week and this one….
Comment by T
| June 2nd, 2009
Yeah, you can’t convince anyone of anything they haven’t experienced on their own.
Believe me. I’ve been stupid enough to try.
T´s last blog post..We have a winner!
Comment by MindyMom
| June 2nd, 2009
I’m with T. And people will do what they want to do over what they should do more often than not anyway.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Well That Was Interesting
Comment by notasoccermom
| June 2nd, 2009
It is a different place and frame of mind when you are in the middle of it. Hurt feelings and constant fighting make you want out. In what seems to be the easier of paths.
I didnt have a choice, my ex left and was married a month after the divorce was final. i would have stayed forever, no matter what. However as far as my kids are concerned, i think it was healthier to divorce.
I see your point but I also know that I view divorce differently having already lived it than I did before.
i want someone, I want to wake up next to someone, but when you are so unhappy and depressed – lying next to them is not happiness.
notasoccermom´s last blog post..Memories- Making New, Remembering Old and Fearing Potential
Comment by Sandy
| June 2nd, 2009
These women didn’t want divorce advice, they just wanted to vent and/or rant. Just like every marriage is different so is every divorce. I’ve seen lots of couples divorce who I thought would have probably been better off had they worked it out or put another way, they weren’t better off AFTER their divorce. My divorce, on the other hand, was one of the best things that ever happened to me but I didn’t have children with him. That would have been a different ballgame. Everything happens for a reason!
Sandy´s last blog post..Highbush Cranberry—June
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 2nd, 2009
Actually, I think they did want divorce advice and not marriage advice. They wanted some advice on how to get through this time, not how to go back and decide to stay married. And I don’t think telling someone who is in the middle of a divorce that they should stay married makes any more sense than telling someone who is married that they should get a divorce.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Things Don’t Get More Beautiful Than This
Comment by staciesmadness
| June 2nd, 2009
lol
going through my second divorce *slaps forehead*
I tell my friends that I wouldn’t wish divorce on my worse enemy…even if YOU WANT a divorce it sucks!
Comment by Kori
| June 2nd, 2009
Sometimes divorce is the right thing, but sometimes it isn’t. And of every person I know or have known going through a divorce, there is ALWAYS bitterness and venom, on BOTH SIDES, until some years have passed. Sometimes it is warranted, sometimes not, but it is there. So I think that to ask another person for divorce advice is ridiculous, because each of us feels what WE feel-before, during, after-and it isn’t going to be the same for everyone.
Kori´s last blog post..Friday Fragments
Comment by April
| June 2nd, 2009
I’m glad you came to that conclusion. I’m really worried about a friend who is about to make a huge mistake in marrying this loser she’s about to marry, but I’m keeping my mouth shut because I may think I know the story, but only time will tell. And I want to be there for her (without her worrying that I’ll say “I told you so”) if/when it all falls apart.
April´s last blog post..In Honor of Dr. George Tiller
Comment by QTMama
| June 2nd, 2009
What is that one line from a movie … Something about marriage being a blessing. And I remember someone saying, “So is Divorce.”
Each situation is different for sure.
QTMama´s last blog post..Sex Hair, Part Two
Comment by SingleParentPlus2
| June 2nd, 2009
I agree. It’s much easier to repair a damaged relationship than a broken one; but, if one of the two people are not willing to repair thier relationship – it’s over.
SingleParentPlus2´s last blog post..Pets Welcome….Children Must Be Leashed
Comment by Al
| June 2nd, 2009
Wow, I’ve been going through a divorce for the last 12 months and I really cannot even fathom telling someone that they should stay married. I don’t want to be cynical and bitter, but lets face it, some of the people we end up marrying are completely toxic. These are folks that we wish with every ounce in our body that we would have never, ever, ever, met or got involved with.
I’ve learned that when you have that gut feeling that something is wrong with what you’re doing, that gut feeling is probably right.
Also, I don’t think I really know or hear of any happy married couples, couples that still have morning sex and all that fun stuff that only single/dating folks tend to do. I guess I should stop hanging out with all these married sexually frustrated folks.
Comment by Sandra
| June 2nd, 2009
Wow, I my heart goes out to those women.
It seems like they were in a lot of pain and wanted to vent. You turned into the perfect target simply because you are a man.
And because they found out you are divorced they probably think it was all you.
I’m glad you left, you don’t deserve to take the heat for that.
But I still feel bad for them. I can’t imagine what going through a divorce is like.
A lot of people out there in the dating world that are really hurting.
Sandra´s last blog post..Time flies
Comment by erin
| June 2nd, 2009
I just laughed at that last line. i’m sure if that was you in their shoes years ago, you would’ve spewed every mean word about your ex wife then as you were going through a divorce. totally gave me a laugh when you changed your advice to those women.
Comment by katherine.
| June 2nd, 2009
I have close friends who have been to the brink of divorce and hovered there for years during the long time I have known them.
I know all the gory details…they both know I know.
They have been friends through several of my relationships…and on occasion each has expressed their opinion that the grass is greener…and the sky is bluer…on my side of the fence.
My response has always been: “Are you out of your mind? S/he may be a pain half the time…but you have a great thing going here…you would hate being single like I am…stay married.”
katherine.´s last blog post..watch out for the wave
Comment by jason
| June 2nd, 2009
david,
You are my blog hero. This blog is great. I am going through divorce now, and i wish i could tell my soon-to-be-ex this advice, but she is already out of our marriage and with someone else, so what can you do….
divorce does suck, even if it does have good consequences…
i’ll buy the gin & tonics if you want to give divorce/post-divorce advice ;-)
cheers
-jason
Comment by The Exception
| June 2nd, 2009
Each decision is singular in nature and everyone has to choose to stay or leave for their own reasons. Is it better to stay in a comfortable relationship without love or passion – or to leave and risk being alone or never finding that which your heart seeks? Some think it is worth the risk. Some don’t. Some can’t grow within their marriages while others give up the growth and the honesty (self integrity) for the comfort. The choices are never easy and are about the peple inovled. Advice… it is usually sought but not taken.
The Exception´s last blog post..hands Off
Comment by Just Me...
| June 2nd, 2009
Oh, and Confidante says that you’re advice was dead on.. But then she’s hardcore Catholic and thinks no one should get divorced except me. For some reason, she’s convinced I deserve one.. :):)
Just Me…´s last blog post..Yard Sale!!
Comment by Janet
| June 2nd, 2009
Well, the women did have a point though…from my experience, it’s pretty hard to stay married once one person has already moved out and moved in with someone else.
In theory, I agree with your advice. I tried it myself.
In practice, it’s not so simple, and so far, I’ve found that divorce has been the better choice. My ex is a sinking ship and quite different from the man I thought I was marrying.
Janet´s last blog post..Limbo
Comment by Shirley
| June 2nd, 2009
Of course in theory, staying married—and making it work—is the best option, especially when you have kids. But staying in a relationship that is not working is another thing. And for a marriage to work, both people must want to make it work. If only one of the two people is no longer interested in repairing the relationship, that’s pretty much it. When I left, I was absolutely certain there was no way to make it work. And because I stayed until I couldn’t stay any longer, I haven’t for one instant regretted my decision. That’s not to say that I don’t miss being part of a family unit with both parents present. But the relationship I have now (the second one since my divorce) far far far surpasses my relationship with my ex, and I am calmer, more present, and happier than I ever was then. AND my life is more difficult. But that’s the road I chose—and it has worked for me.
Comment by Amanda
| June 2nd, 2009
Divorce could be horrible, but realizing it’s just not working out anymore and deciding to get that divorce could and probably will be for the better. People shouldn’t be living in situations they hate.
Amanda´s last blog post..Via Texas.
Comment by coolred38
| June 3rd, 2009
I on the other hand was married to a controlling abusive husband for 20 years…in a country that does not favour women in divorce issues…and everyone was advising me to stay married…have patience…dont try and win in the court cause you will be the loser. Lose your rights and lose your kids. They were right of course…a few attempts at a divorce through the years had me facing judges that seemed absolutely astounded that I would even think of getting a divorce much less have the audacity to enter a court room and plead my case. They all sent me home with orders to “be a better wife”.
Eventually found out that this animal I was forced to stay married to was sexually abusing our kids…if I had gotten the divorce way back when I wanted it and not been forced to go home and “be the good wife”…I might have saved my children from so much misery and grief.
Advice for the most part sucks…most people dont know what your going through…havent walked in your shoes as you said…so havent got a clue what will work for you…sigh.
btw divorced now…2 years…you better believe I didnt walk out of that courtroom that time with anything less then my freedom and my childrens lives back.
Comment by steph
| June 3rd, 2009
I gave a good friend of mine advice on divorce. I found out she was separated from her husband and I went to visit. I tried to be neutral because it was really up to her and her situation. I told her divorce is not easy. It has been two years and I am still trying to get my footing. I pretty much left with nothing except for the hope of a better life. It hasn’t been easy to have to start from ground zero.
My friend decided to work on her marriage and they have remained married. I am glad that maybe my honesty & reality about divorce helped her stay in her marriage. I never said “don’t get divorced” even though that is what I was thinking. I wanted her to know that whatever her decision I was there for her and would not judge her. Her husband is a good man and I didn’t want her to go through the mess of a divorce. Everyone’s situation is different and we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 3rd, 2009
I was thinking about this last night while I was doing the dishes. Nearly twenty years I spent in a terrible relationship and many people told me just to try and understand him and to do whatever it took to stay married. Awhile back, I was thinking about these people and had an overwhelming urge to send each of them a card that says, “You suck.”
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Things Don’t Get More Beautiful Than This
Comment by Amy
| June 3rd, 2009
Yup, it’s the old zen conundrum–it’s so hard to be happy with what you have (or even to know you have it when you have it). It’s not till you get rid of it that you realize you really wanted it. Or something.
(P.S. “Nightly spooning with morning sex?” Augh–you’re killin’ me! Sigh.)
Amy´s last blog post..kidz
Comment by Eathan
| June 3rd, 2009
That’s a great experience. I wish I was there to see the look on their face when you changed your advice. It just proves that if ya look hard enough, there’s always an excuse.
I’m sure after all this time.. you see something they haven’t experienced yet.
Eathan´s last blog post..Multiracial Americans
Comment by shannon
| June 5th, 2009
I couldn’t agree more. I have a tremendous amount of scorn for divorce. I’m sure if I had worked harder, I could have made it work out with my ex-husband. But I was humiliated and embarrassed and felt like forgiving him for an indiscretion would be weakness and “caving in”. However, I felt like I was being strong and independent. I’ve evolved a great deal (and still continue to do so), but how I would have loved to wake up in the morning with the father of my child, and have her crawl into bed with both of us to watch TV on a Saturday. She’s 9-so that’s certainly not something that would have the same vibe with her stepdad (no matter how great he is). Whoa. I’ve never admitted that I could have made it work. But then again, I don’t usually look backwards. It’s just too sad. And I don’t really like sad.
shannon´s last blog post..A Mover and A Shaker…