Parenting is a Contact Sport
Of course, I make mistakes, and I could benefit from reading some parenting books. But usually those books have steps and rules and methods and blah blah blah… who can remember all that in a crisis? Especially when something major goes down and I’m prone to overreact.
Let me tell you, there’s a new book out that boils everything down to one concept:
Parenting is a Contact Sport.
Simple! And so important, it’s also the title of the book: Parenting Is a Contact Sport: 8 Ways to Stay Connected to Your Kids for Life
Joanne Stern is a parent of two now-grown daughters. She was a single parent for five years, after her divorce and before remarriage. She built her family around the concept that the intimate relationship she had with her daughters should be the very foundation of their family life.
This relationship was built on trust and respect, and was more important than whether or not her daughters got good grades, or made it home by curfew. Kids will always have trouble with something. The important thing is whether they feel comfortable enough to talk with their parents about it.
Yeah, right. What kid talks to their parent?
A lot of kids would, if they felt it was safe. Meaning, if they knew they could share their fears and mistakes without their parent getting angry, without their parent screaming at them or making them feel guilty, without their parent judging them harshly. No one wants negativity raining down, especially from a parent.
Joanne Stern figured the best way to foster such a relationship is with intimate contact.
- Showing up for events so your kid knows they are important and valued.
- Being an active listener and taking an interest in their life.
- Giving praise to build self esteem, and letting them know they belong.
- Respecting your kids by being honest with them, so they’ll respect and be honest with you.
Parenting is a Contact Sport isn’t some preachy psychology manual. Instead, it’s filled with anecdotes involving Joanne Stern and her daughters in real life situations, as well as stories from Joanne Stern’s therapy practice. The book shares good times as well as mistakes, reminding us that we don’t have to be perfect parents.
The important thing is to always put the relationship first. Do things that nurture the relationship, not tear it apart. (Your gut is probably telling you this concept is good. Mine sure did.)
Parenting is a Contact Sport can teach you to communicate openly with your child, to help your child learn from their experiences, to increase your influence so your kids use good judgment even when you’re not there.
All from the simple concept that good parenting involves contact.
Honor, value, and nurture the relationship you have with your kids – and they might just do the same for you.
Parenting Is a Contact Sport is available at Amazon.
- A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose
- A Dad Watches His Daughter
- Father and Son, Sharing a Passion One-on-One
- Father and Teenage Daughter Go For a Run
- How to Get Your Teens to the Dinner Table
- Kids Esteem
- What a Dad Needs to Know About His Daughter
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Comment by Kat Wilder
| June 3rd, 2009
It sounds like great advice for all relationships, really. But I know parents who have pretty much done that and their kids, for whatever reasons, went astray anyway. There’s just so much a parent can control, and then, well, the real world gets to them.
As my 16-year-old said to me recently, “There’s a lot that can go wrong when you’re a teenager” — a very wise statement indeed (must have a wonderful mom …)
I put my marriage and family first, and I still ended up divorced. It’s a crap shoot. Still, you have to keep doing the right things every day, no matter what. Then, at least you know you tried.
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..It can’t buy love, but can money buy forgiveness?
Comment by vinomom
| June 3rd, 2009
Sounds like a pretty good read. I know I’m really trying to change some things around my household right now and those things are right along the lines of what I’m going for. Wanna mail it to me now that you’re finished? :)
vinomom´s last blog post..A Community Tragedy
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 3rd, 2009
Yep. As Kitty Kat says, it’s pretty much a crap shoot. But this does sound like an excellent book with some excellent advice.
The thing is, you learn as you go and some of it sticks with you and some of it doesn’t. Looking back, I know that most of what I did right, I did by accident. :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Things Don’t Get More Beautiful Than This
Comment by MindyMom
| June 3rd, 2009
Sounds like a good book on parenting. I agree with the philosophy that the relationship should be the priority. Two out of four of my kids are teens and I’m glad to know that they do feel safe as well as comfortable being honest with me. We can be good parents without trying to control our kids but by being there for them and guiding them.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Not Worthy
Comment by krn
| June 3rd, 2009
There are soooo many parenting books, but this one sounds excellent. Thanks, Dad’s. This is the reason I love your blog so much. Always something worthwhile around here~
Comment by Just Me...
| June 3rd, 2009
Sounds like a great books..
And I’ll try anything to keep myself out of the really bad nursing homes!! :) :) :)
Just Me…´s last blog post..Yard Sale!!
Comment by T
| June 3rd, 2009
Yep, I agree with Kat: “It sounds like great advice for all relationships, really.”
That’s exactly what I was going to say…
T´s last blog post..Second verse, same as the first
Comment by dadshouse
| June 3rd, 2009
Kat – I agree that things can go wrong anyways. That’s something I really liked about this book. The author talks openly about her daughters (with their permission), and they definitely did their share of “stuff” – teen drinking, teen sex, etc. Having open, honest, respectful communication with your kids doesn’t mean they will stay out of trouble. It means your relationship with them won’t be destroyed when they do stray.
I agree the advice here can be used for any relationship. I know a lot of people who say they put the marriage first, or the kids first. But sometimes those people aren’t really present and compassionate to their partner or kids. Instead, they are trying to control and manipulate outcomes. That shuts down communication, sours marriages and tunes out kids.
It’s more than just “putting something first”. It’s being present, compassionate, nurturing, respectful. (I’m not saying anything about your marriage, either way, since I didn’t know you then.)
Comment by Kat Wilder
| June 3rd, 2009
Hey, I was “present, compassionate, nurturing, respectful” … and HOT!
So there!
;-)
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..It can’t buy love, but can money buy forgiveness?
Comment by dadshouse
| June 3rd, 2009
Touche! (I feel the sizzle coming right through the internet)
Comment by notasoccermom
| June 3rd, 2009
sounds like a great book, I feel as though I have lived similarly to the author. Wish I could have read this a long time ago.
thanks for the review
notasoccermom´s last blog post..Memories- Making New, Remembering Old and Fearing Potential
Comment by Alicia
| June 3rd, 2009
I dig it. My mom never read that book, but that’s exactly how our relationship always has been – I can honestly say she is my very best friend. Yet, my brother and I are 1 year apart, were raised exactly the same way by the same woman – and he is as distant from her as can be. So…. I dunno….
My step-mom, on the other hand, tries to be that way with her teenagers – but I think she crosses the line with being TOO much of a cool friend and not enough of a good mom….
Alicia´s last blog post..Daddy Dilemma – Part Deux
Comment by Sandy
| June 3rd, 2009
Was it your blog that I commented on recently saying raising kids is a lot like raising puppies? If it wasn’t, there, I said it!
Sandy´s last blog post..Food for Thought—-Pan-Roasted Salmon and Tomatoes
Comment by mariposa
| June 3rd, 2009
I love the apparent emphasis placed on the respect for the relationship. I will find that book and give it a read. When wrapped up in the daily to-do lists, it can be hard to remember to simply stop, listen and love.
mariposa´s last blog post..a minute at a time
Comment by Janet
| June 3rd, 2009
Sounds like an excellent book. I love when you share wisdom!
Janet´s last blog post..Surprise.
Comment by Myrna
| June 3rd, 2009
Thanks for the great suggestion. I’m always on the look-out for someone who re-affirms the course I’d “like” to be on. I can’t admit to always being (and staying) on course as a parent. But, it sounds like this is a good one. I’ll check it out – thanks.
Myrna´s last blog post..MTV – Adjusting It’s Image
Comment by The Exception
| June 4th, 2009
I ordered this immediately after reading the post – can’t wait to share it
The Exception´s last blog post..If I Only Had Courage