Should an Ex’s Significant Other Attend Kids Events?
You’re divorced. You share coparenting duties with your ex, or maybe you get the kids full time. Your ex is in a relationship.
Question: should your ex’s significant other attend your kid’s events?
That’s a pretty loaded question, I know. Especially since every situation with an ex-wife or ex-husband is different. The devil is in the details, as they say. So let’s break it down. I’ll offer up my own opinions and preferences, and let the readers weigh in.
• You have part-time custody, your ex has part-time custody, and your ex is remarried. In my opinion (and perhaps legally, as well), by all means – the ex’s spouse should be just as involved in your child’s life as your ex. The ex and their spouse live with your kids part time. They’ve created a family unit that is publicly recognized. Seems like the spouse should attend school ans sporting events as a step-parent. Even better if you get along with them both (hey, it sometimes happens!)
• You have part-time custody, your ex has part-time custody, and your ex is dating. This is a gray area to me. My own preference is for the ex’s boyfriend/girlfriend to feel free to attend any public event, like sports. But the ex’s boyfriend/girlfriend should stay away from school-related functions, or anything with a decidedly parent/child theme (like scouts.) It seems to me like an ex’s boyfriend/girlfriend attending school events could be confusing or distracting for the kids. It sets them up for disappointment if that dating relationship ever ends. The parents are the ones who will always be there, not some boyfriend or girlfriend. That’s just my opinion, and I realize every situation is different.
• You have full time custody, your ex occasionally sees the kids, and your ex is dating. In this case, I say no way does their girlfriend/boyfriend attend any kids events, whether those events are sports, music, dance, whatever. And definitely nothing at school.
• You have full time custody, your ex occasionally sees the kids, and your ex is remarried. This might be the case if your ex lives further away. If they are nearby, and not providing a home for your child, then the ex’s spouse is hardly a step-parent. My opinion is that your ex’s spouse should stay away from school events, and even sports events. I mean – why would they need to go? Seems to me, it would only confuse and sadden the kids. If a kid’s parent is not involved in their life, but then magically shows up to the event with a spouse, I imagine the kid would wonder why they aren’t part of that new family.
My opinions are based on what has worked for my kids and me, and were developed with help from various counselors who had details about my kids and my situation. Everyone’s situation is different.
If you and your ex handle things differently, weigh in and share your insights!
In short: an ex might date and find a significant other, but it’s the kids who should come first.
- Parenting is a Contact Sport
- Birthday Traditions for Children of Divorce
- A Dad Watches His Daughter
- Father and Son, Sharing a Passion One-on-One
- Jon and Kate Divorce – What the Future Holds
- Coparenting – How To Deal With an Ex
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Comment by Ausmama
| June 10th, 2009
I fall into the last category – I have full custody, ex sees child very rarely (less than once a year). Last time he saw the child, he was married to his second wife. This time he’s visiting, he’ll be with his third wife (yes, that’s right, he just got married for the third time in 10 years).
How do I broach the whole “I don’t think it’s a good idea if new wife comes along to a sporting event”? I don’t want to seem petty but it’ll be their first day here and I think, like you said, she won’t be part of the childs life for any length of time (especially if his track record continues!), so what’s the point? It should be about the child, not the new wife. He’s more likely to want her to come to show what a great parent he is, rather than really enjoy watching the game.
Comment by MommaSunshine
| June 10th, 2009
These are sticky situations, for sure…and I’m not entirely sure how I will handle it if/when it comes up for me and my ex.
I do agree with you completely, though, that the kids should come first. Always.
Comment by Kori
| June 10th, 2009
I have been married twice, and both ex husband’s have remarried. Ex number one and his wife live in another state but it would be perfectly appropriate for both of them to attend any event involving the kids. She has been involved in their lives and has been a good step-parent, and I was actually relieved when they got married; at the time, the two kids were spending the entire summer at his house, and it was good for them to have a female there to sort of soften up dad’s rought edges. Seh loves my kids-and it would never occur to me to keep her away from anything.
Ex-two is one of those who has no part in his son’s life, in fact we haven’t seen or heard from him in two years. It wouldn’t even be appropriate for HIM to show up to ANY event, much less bring along his new wife.
I think this is definitly a gray area, though, and agree that as long as the kids thoughts and feelings are paramount to any other, it can be figured out gracefully. Great post.
Kori´s last blog post..Unexpected Court News
Comment by kmn
| June 10th, 2009
I have my teen daughters full time and the ex is remarried. He lives near by. My youngest will graduate high school next year and I’m sure the ex’s spouse will be there and that’s okay. She’s been to sporting events too. I think the age and personality of the child is important to consider. Also, how you react to the ex bringing the spouse or significant other effects your child’s reaction. A lot of times this issue is really about the adults and not the child.
Comment by Just Me...
| June 10th, 2009
You’re guide works.. As long as everyone has the well-being of the child at heart, pretty much anything works.. It’s when one of the ex’s desire for retribution outweighs any good sense they might have, well.. This is where things turn ugly.. And then you just endure until the child reaches maturity..
Just Me…´s last blog post..And sometimes it just sucks…
Comment by Just Me...
| June 10th, 2009
oh, hell.. “Your”, not ‘you’re’…
Good thing I’m not a grammarian!! :):)
Just Me…´s last blog post..And sometimes it just sucks…
Comment by MindyMom
| June 10th, 2009
For the most part I agree with you. There are always the gray areas and special circumstances though, such in my case where the ex has remarried the ex bff who broke up our marriage. She may be a “stepmom” (more like step-bitch) to my kids now, but both she and my ex have NEVER put them first or cared about what’s best for them. The ex and her do show up together at events occasionally to put on a show. It’s disgusting but not much I can do about it.
MindyMom´s last blog post..A Stronger Man
Comment by Will
| June 10th, 2009
I get the shaft.
I have my girls half time. The ex is shacked up with the woman she left me for, with a giant lesbian brady bunch. We share a nanny. All of this, and the divorce is 9 months old. Since they are lesbians, they score points in their community for every time they get to stick it to me. I asked (begged actually) to have my exposure to the girlfriend limited, so now I get to drop my kids off to her twice a week for child care. If I am not careful, I will be manipulated into watching HER kids.
I haven’t dealt with the occasion thing YET, but I can feel it happening, there is a birthday in 3 months. I am just going to ignore it, and try to emulate Bruce Willis (best ex-husband ever, find the pic of him smirking in the giant blended family pic with Demi and Ashton), and be cool. Wish me luck.
Will in Austin
Comment by Eathan
| June 10th, 2009
I have to admit that you’ve hit the nail on the head. I’m in the 2nd category. Parent/teacher functions should be reserved for birth parents. Any public functions such as sports events are a good place for them to make an appearance.
Eathan´s last blog post..Biracial Bone Marrow Donors Needed
Comment by Girlfriend
| June 10th, 2009
Good post – I pretty much agree with your breakdown of the situation. I’d also emphasize that each scenario really depends on the kids’ comfort level with the boyfriend/girlfriend/step-parent.
I’m dating a part-time custody dad who lives an hour away from me, and I attend whatever public or sporting events fall on the days when I’m out there with him, regardless of whether he has his little guy for the weekend or not. I have a very good relationship with the little guy that I’ve helped build gradually over two years. And I have a positive, though very formal, relationship to the ex-wife as well. Not sure if this is the case for other people, but I attend these events to show my support for the little guy, and also because it’s fun and helps me feel more comfortable around my boyfriend and his ex when the little guy is also around. I have to admit, it takes a while to get used to being the girlfriend in these situations. I feel less like an outsider the more I go and chat with everyone (including the ex).
Comment by notasoccermom
| June 10th, 2009
I too have a long distance and distant ex. He hardly calls, visits maybe 4 times in 9 yrs… but now my kids are teenagers. thay have handled his three wives well. I am very open with them. I dont show bitterness even if i feel it. (even the one he cheated on me with). I am not in his life now but he will ALWAYS be there father. It is up to him to create that relationship with the kids. What I do, or he does doesnt matter.
There was a time it was difficult for me when the kids were diciplined at their house by her. And I stated that I wanted him to do all the dicipline.. it didnt help. But as I have also been in a relationship where i was a bit of a pseudo step-mother (we were never married but dated 6 yrs) I can see how you would need to be in thier lives in order to bond and also in order that the kids will not use the conflict for thier own gain…
Communication I am learning the hard way is the best in ALL situations. Kids, Ex’s, partners, parents, bosses… it all comes down to communication and understanding
notasoccermom´s last blog post..Murphy- what have you done?
Comment by Laura
| June 10th, 2009
Honestly I would have no issues if my exs girlfriend came to watch the kids. In fact if they did pitch at all I would expect her to come – she seems to genuinely appear interested in their lives! So why not!
Laura´s last blog post..Hey hey its OVER!
Comment by katherine.
| June 10th, 2009
Not sure there are any hard and fast rules.
Too many variables:
– age of the children
– time the parents have been apart
– how long has the ex’s partner been in the picture
– type of event
You are right…everyone is different..
For me…I have many MANY years juggling these types of situations. Birthday parties. Performances. Weddings and funerals. Surgery and medical emergencies. School events and athletic events (Lots and LOTS of athletic events) Graduations from nursery school to high school and even a couple college graduations.
Three grown kids (only one I gave birth to)
Their fathers (yes two) and I have been in more than a few relationships…some long term…some not so much. We haven’t always gotten along with the “other” one.
I have always been clear that the kids were my first priority. And I expected a man’s children to be his first as well. Being with me has always meant being around the kids…and their fathers…and their extended families. (The flip side being I am subjected to his exwife…and her family)
Truly, looking back over the years, if the parent’s significant other is known to the child and has been exclusive in the parent’s life they should be included in group and public activities. (With the exception of things like medical issues and court appearances.) When they weren’t my kids have been known to ask…”why didn’t they come?” even when there wasn’t a bond.
A step parent should ALWAYS be present for their spouse’s children…even as teenagers and adults. In my way of thinking if you marry a parent you marry into a family…or two.
I’ve waded through many an event with my kids’ dads and their women. On occasion without someone of my own. Often with an odd assortment of grandparents and extended family members. You navigate through any weirdness, snide remarks, or dagger looks as best you can.
All three of kids remember situations where the adults did not always get along…but you know what? They are glad everyone was in attendance. In retrospect they appreciated that all the parents and significant others came out.
And it makes for great family lore.
katherine.´s last blog post..watch out for the wave
Comment by Florinda
| June 10th, 2009
I fall into category #1, but I’m the one who married the ex (and sometimes I think the first wife likes me better than she likes him)-and for the record, they were already divorced when I met him. We’ve been married almost 3 years, and I join him in making a home for the kids during the 40% of the time allotted to him. I always feel welcome to attend any of the kids’ events, including parent/teacher conferences, but I don’t always go – depends on the scheduling. We all lived together for a year prior to the marriage, but I didn’t really go to many of the kids’ events or activities until after I was “officially” their stepmom.
You didn’t mention this one, and it should only be a question in situation #1, but there’s one thing I won’t go to unless it’s an emergency: doctors’ appointments are for the biological parents only, in my opinion.
Florinda´s last blog post..Springtime at the Movies, the sequel: Back to the Multiplex!
Comment by krn
| June 10th, 2009
Excluding someone who supports and cares about our child very much wouldn’t be fair to him. While things can sometimes be a bit uncomfortable for the adults, the child’s best interest must be what drives this decision. Katherine gives many examples of this in her kids’ lives in her comment above.
Sounds like you’ve worked it out well for your family too, Dad’s. Good post.
Have a good weekend and may your turtle wander and be found! ;)
Comment by Sandra
| June 10th, 2009
Good topic, and ultimately the parents and children have to decide what is best.
I was a step child with both parents, because each re-married.
My step father was involved with our education and he came to my parent conferences. I did not mind.
My step mother was less involved, but she accompanied my father to events like my brother’s football game.
If these other people are planning to be a permanent fixture in the childrens’ lives, even before marraige, they should be able to attend the childrens’ events.
Definitely a loaded question.
Sandra´s last blog post..Wink Wink ;)
Comment by cyndi
| June 10th, 2009
If the S.O. has a good relationship with the children and takes on any form of parenting role at home, absolutely they should attend. I think the responsibility falls on the adults and X partners to be mature about the situation and control the way they react to the S.O. being a part of the child’s life.
X and I, for all our disagreements, are firmly on the same page that if either of us remarries or gets serious with someone that the N-Man will be expected to give that person the respect they deserve. We’ll see how that actually plays out in reality some day. But I can’t imagine, as young as he is, me remarrying yet never having that person participate in his life. I think that set’s things up to drive a dvisor though the new relationship.
cyndi´s last blog post..39
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 10th, 2009
Often, when a parent’s significant other is attending events with them, it is to support that significant other. Not necessarily because they are close to the children. There is nothing wrong with this, in my opinion. I can’t imagine why a child would protest their parent bringing along someone to an event. Unless the divorce was very recent and the children are still in shock over the separation. There is definitely a “grieving period” wherein children should not be forced to so quickly see their parents with other partners.
But the fact remains that children ultimately need to see that their parents have lives and they have needs. I don’t know any children who are not happy to see their parent at an event. If their significant other causes problems at events, that’s another story.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..The Perfect Gift
Comment by Sandy
| June 10th, 2009
I married a man with children from his first marriage. Your last line is all that really matters…the kids should come first, at least when they are small and before they start to ‘use’ the situation. We have the most wonderful blended family. From day one I never challenged their mother’s position and I think that’s key….she’s there mother, period. And she respected me and realized that I soon cared for her kids and made their life better because I mellowed their father. Far too much to put here but I can tell you that everyone can get along if they want to. I can proudly say that our 5 grandchildren (7-17) have never seen an unpleasant exchange between their divorced grandparents (and their divorce was no box of chocolates) and no one misses any special event….holiday, birthday, graduation, etc. I agree that every divorce is different and some are far more difficult but you need to move forward for the kids and in the long run, it will do you good, too.
Sandy´s last blog post..Food for Thought–Sweet & Sour Shrimp
Comment by The Exception
| June 10th, 2009
It is very singular in nature. I agree with Teri for the most part though… as usual! ;) As I enter this situation myself, I have a feeling that we will fall into the “somethings are for parents” category just until everyone is comfortable with the situation … and maybe even after that. The important thing is that the children realize that the parents are involved… after all , Parenting is a Contact Sport! :)
The Exception´s last blog post..Where I am
Comment by ilinap
| June 10th, 2009
Kids come first. My parents never brought a sig other to our stuff…until they got married. And now we named my son after my stepdad.
Comment by Trish
| June 10th, 2009
MindyMom and I are pretty much in the same boat (see comment #7), except as far as I know, my ex-husband and ex-bff (now oh-so-affectionately known as The Homewrecker) aren’t married. But he has been shacking up with her and her two kids (those poor kids) from the first night he left us 2 1/2 years ago.
My son pretty much only sees his dad every other weekend, and rarely gets any time with just him, if any. Since they’re all one big happy family now (puke), she and/or her kids are always around. So when my son had his band concert not long ago, I chewed out the ex for wanting to bring the whole clan, with the argument that this is a much-needed opportunity for the day to be all about our son. He argued that “there are a lot of people who love and support him” and should feel like they could come.
I’d be interested in your objective musings on this one, if you feel so inclined.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 10th, 2009
Trish – I’m with you on this one. Your ex should come to the concert alone and focus time on your son, and let your son know he’s important! Bringing the whole clan along tells your son that the new clan he’s not a part of (except for 2 weekends a month) is more important than him. At least that’s my opinion.
Great comments, all. I’m especially glad Girlfriend chimed in (comment 10). It’s great to hear from a non-parent perspective.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| June 10th, 2009
If the guy/gal is a part of a kid’s life in any way, I don’t see why he/she can’t attend functions. It wouldn’t, of course, be OK to have it be the first time your child meets the new love thang.
You can always ask the child (given his/her age): How would you feel if …
If it’s someone who’s an established partner (ie. more than six months together exclusively), it seems to be it’s OK to begin to integrate as appropriate for the child, age and situation.
Don’t know many of my BFs who’d want to go to a school meeting. Soccer game? sure
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..She wants to be Grandma, he wants to be Daddy
Comment by jason
| June 10th, 2009
dad,
another great topic. You have an very interested an active community of readers and i think that is great. You have even gotten me to comment more times than any other blog (exception missionmission, if you hang out in the mission district sf, this is the news and info source!)
anyways, i am dreading the time i have to meet the my ex’s co-worker and the person she ducked out of our marriage to hang out with. my daughter is almost 4, and it bugs the heck out of me when my daugther mentions mr. cheaters name.
Dad, how old were your kids when you got divorced? how was your divorce, amicable? What does amicable exactly mean, does it mean you put up with the other person, or that you actually still like to spend some time together, i cant figure that one out
where’s my mai tai??
-jason
Comment by Andrea
| June 11th, 2009
I’m married to my kids dad but I think your last line is the most significant. The kids should come first. I would hope if I was ever in a situation where my husband and I were no longer married that I would be able to see that no matter providing a good happy life for my kids should come first.
Andrea´s last blog post..Writers Workshop With Mama Kat: A Letter
Comment by katherine.
| June 11th, 2009
again..all kids and situations are different…and I have VERY adamant feelings on the subject. Some of which come from making my own mistakes and having 20/20 vision.
In our situation my daughter’s father lives with her step mom, her step brother, and two half brothers.
Even when everything wasn’t so friendly between the adults…or with my daughter and her step mom…when the step mom DIDN’T attend the event, my daughter was offended. Her dad (and that whole family) went to the other kids events…why didn’t they all go to hers?
A public event like a concert could be a way for that performer to see that he is part of the clan. That they all support him and applaud him. “Blending” families is so difficult even in the best of situations. Betrayal would surely eliminate any desire to enable the blending. But if that other clan is a permanent fixture in your son’s life, there will be dozens of events in the future.
yes Yes YES all parents should plan one on one time with each of their children…single, married whatever. But kids will ALWAYS compare how they are treated up against how their siblings, step siblings and half siblings are treated…even as teens and and some adults.
katherine.´s last blog post..watch out for the wave
Comment by dadshouse
| June 11th, 2009
Jason – my kids were 3 and 7 when I divorced. They are now 13 and 17. In that time, I’ve twice had girlfriends I felt strongly enough about that they met my kids and became part of our family. My ex currently has a boyfriend who spends time with my kids. So I’ve seen from both sides how an ex’s significant other affects the kids and both families.
There have been issues, but we’ve moved forward by setting rules and guidelines for how/when it’s appropriate/allowable for the significant other to interact. That sounds rigid, but it’s more to protect against extreme cases, and make sure parenting duties and responsibilities aren’t lost to a boyfriend or girlfriend.
As for amicable – we did a collaborative divorce, which means we simply split stuff in half, and put the interest of the kids first. No litigation, no mediation. We have continued this in our coparenting – we aren’t bitter or hold grudges, and we put the needs of the kids first. Oh sure, we get pissed off on occasion. But we quickly compartmentalize those blow-ups, and move back to the work of coparenting. http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/01/27/co-parenting-how-to-deal-with-an-ex/
So I guess by amicable I mean we strive to get along and do what’s best for the kids. We talk about coparenting issues, and the well-being of our kids. But we don’t hang out as friends.
Katherine – I totally agree once an ex is remarried, and there is a step-parent, that step-parent should get on board and attend events.
If an ex is just dating and not willing to take that extra step of officially telling society the other person truly is significant, then why confuse everyone by bringing your date to certain kids events? The focus should be on the kids, not whether you’ll still be dating that same person next time around. I suppose if an ex is living with a significant other, but not remarried, it gets muddy again. So complicated! Every situation is different.
Comment by Ditz
| June 11th, 2009
My ex showed up at the elementary school open house with his ow/gf. We were still married and living in same house, I was waiting until school was finished before I moved out. Final divorce date was months away. It was embarrassing for my 11 yo dd whose friends kept asking, “who is that with your dad?”. I never understood why he did that, showing off perhaps? Now they are married, and she attends some events but actually fewer than she did the first year.
Comment by jason
| June 14th, 2009
dad,
Thanks very much for sharing and in general I have found many posts and comments to be very insightful and interesting.
There is still a ton of tension between my ex and myself. And i still have a grudge from the way that she handled things. since she started her current relationship while we were still married (not separated) that makes this a bit tougher. This person has not been brought to any events, but he spends enough time around my daughter that she mentions his name once in a while..
How did you guys get along the first year or two you were split up? Your kids were so young, how did you handle taking care of them by yourself? did you help each other? or did you both just take care of your own things yourself?
Thanks again for the great insight, it is very sincere and helpful
Comment by Mark
| August 13th, 2009
Great and tough subject. I agree, there are no hard and fast rules, each relationship is different. How old the children are makes a difference, how everyone gets along or does not get along makes a difference. In the end, the real question is what is the impact on the children, what is in their best interest.
Mark´s last blog ..Embracing The Darkness Of The Unknown
Comment by Paula
| September 6th, 2009
Since my husband and I are living in the same house even though I filed for divorce about six months ago he continues to see the woman I caught him having an affair with. This woman had been involved as a parent in my eighteen year old son’s scout pack or troop, and still is or was a scout commissioner for weeblos and cubscouts in a nearby district. It is unclear to me if my 10 year old is aware of who she is because he is in a different district, but she would have met him when he was very young and prossibly has met her more recently at a few scouting events, but would not have known she was my husband’s girlfriend. I do feel betrayed, by him because he lied over and over about any affair as being the cause of difficulties, and never told me there was anything he wished me to change – although I’d asked. He said he would never divorce me. He would not tell me what he actually saw as the problems to be in the relationship, and refused counseling. He was on depression medications which allowed me to think that perhaps it was just depression. I feel betrayed by her because she was a scout leader and would have met his children – my oldest frequently, and should have understood that men wooing women into affairs will lie to them about their wives to gain sympathy and get them to sleep with them. She should have told him to go work it out OR ask for a DIVORCE and then come back to her. It is also so hypocrictical of the scout oath in so many ways. She continues to be very active in scouts in another district even though her youngest is I believe 17 yrs old, and I imagine they will get married and then be involved together in scouts – thus probably very shortly she will be camping in the same tent as my husband and son. So, here we are still living in the same house since he will not leave and it will probably not be until the divorce that he will leave. While she has seen my son, and my son may have seen her, I do not think he realy knows her. So is it appropriate to ask my soon to be ex-husband who has apparently loved this woman a long time but with my children unaware of this fact, to wait a period of time before they go on camping trips together, or before they move in together. They have known each other probably a decade, although her divorce did not become final until about a year ago. He at first said he was only having the affair for a year and a half – that was 6 months ago so at least 2 years. I believe it has been much longer because he at first denied she was from scouts years ago, and I had to prove it to him I knew otherwise. Remember we are still in the same house. I’ve never spoken the other woman’s name to my youngest son, but he is aware his father loves of likes another woman and not his own mother. My husband has indicated he would not marry her but I think he might be lying, because he has been meeting her equal to or more than 5 times a week like a committment. He is denying the affair he once admitted to – and is taking the fifth for legal reasons. He has never mentioned he has any intention of working cooperatively and wants all communication handled through lawyers. What is a reasonable time before he introduces her to the children as his girlfriend, goes camping with scouts, or gets married? Remeber, from my 10 year old son’s point of view Mom and Dad are still in the same house, and although he knows we plan to divorce he does not know who my husband’s other woman is, and he might not know her at all. He may have only seen her one or two times as once other in the crowd at a scout jamboree, because we moved to a neighboring county six and a half years ago, and my older son and Dad would travel to the other county for meetings whild I stayed home to get my son to bed at a decent hour.
Comment by Confused
| September 29th, 2009
My boyfriend is newly divorced after finding out his wife cheated on him and now his ex is still with this man and they eventually plan to marry. I was invited to meet my boyfriends parents at his son’s football game last weekend. The ex wife AND her affair/boyfriend both attended. Am I wrong in thinking that it’s extremely disrespectful for her to do that to her ex husband and his parents? I felt awkward, uncomfortable and I’m left wondering if she’s just self absorbed or a complete narcissist.
Comment by Kelly
| October 30th, 2009
HELP!!! OK, so, I’d love someone to weigh in on this…My kids come first, always have – always will. My ex cheated on me with a co-worker a couple years ago (don’t really know when it started). We have two kids (now 6 and 4, they were 4 and 2 at the time)and while it has taken to date to try to put myself back together the kids are doing great. We do co-parent and things have gone relatively well. He is still with the woman and I’ve tried very hard to be kind and accepting — on behalf of my children and a desire for a good outcome for all. So far…my only communication with her has been brief but cordial (hopeful) when I’ve had the occassion to be at his house for a few minutes a couple of times when she was there. The kids really like her and I’m glad that she’s good to them. He has just informed me that she would be attending “Family Fun Night” at my son’s preschool. She’s in town visiting, lives out of state. I wanted to cry — actually did at the prospect. I want to be fair…it’s about the kids and they’ll be thrilled she’s there. My problem…I hate it! Is it really necessary? It seems so disrespectful! I can imagine my kids…normally they’d each grab one of us…me or their Dad and off we’d go to whatever craft or event they wanted to do, occasionally meeting back up to switch kids or whatever. If she’s there…what do I do when they say I want “x” to come with me…and I’m standing there by myself trying to be gracious…wanting to crawl into a hole. Worse…what if I have to witness this person trying to coax MY child into doing something with mom — mortifying!! Perhaps good intentions…but c’mon. Really? Do you have to go to this? I’m trying here…HELP!
Comment by dadshouse
| October 30th, 2009
Kelly – I had the same reaction as you when my ex brought her BF to school events. It bothered me. We talked to a counselor and the counselor agreed the BF should skip school events. After all, most schools expect visitors to sign in when visiting campus, so there’s some weight to being there. For sports events, the BF can show up if he likes.
Have you talked to your ex? You have a right to say you’d prefer he not bring his GF. Just tell him your feelings. Maybe he will respect you as the mother of his kids, or at least be a gentleman.
That said, I’ve seen divorced women at my kids’ school bring their boyfriends to events that their ex-husband attended. So it does happen.
If your ex is remarried, and the kids live part-time with his new wife, then you should expect her to be at school events.
Comment by Travis
| October 31st, 2009
@Kelly – totally understand. It irks me beyond belief to see my ex’s boyfriend show up. Kids like him, he’s on okay guy, but it was him that broke down the marriage. And, all I can think about is how I’m standing there alone, and him and her trying to play parents.
The biggest thing that your going to want to look at is how she presents herself at these events. If she cordially sits back and watches versus trying to overtake the parent role, then you might be fine to just suck up the emotions. As she isn’t trying to be the parent. It really all depends on how she tries to present herself to the kids and to the other adults.
You do have the right to express your concern, and request that he doesn’t bring his girlfriend. But if he chooses to not respect that then you might have to just suck it up and try and make the situation as comfortable as possible.
I feel for the suckiness that your experiencing.
Travis´s last blog ..Your The One That I Have Decided
Comment by Kelly
| November 1st, 2009
Dear Dad’s House guy and Travis,
Thanks so much for your responses! It happened, as much as I tried to wish it would not, and even though I expressed my feelings to my ex, there I was…and there she was. It pretty well sucked as expected but was not too horrible.
Since you indeed read my plea for help, you know that she is the woman that, along with my ex, ended my marriage. I say this only because I think it plays a role in my discomfort.
She has been ‘fine’ since we’ve met…but I guess because we’ve never talked…I can’t help but be wary. I mean she dated my husband while we were married, how am I to expect she’s not trying to be “MOM” (to my exclusion) to my kids? I want to be respected as their mother. My EX assures me that she does respect that, but, lets face it, she does not have a history of respecting boundaries or feelings (see: she came to preschool event anyway, and other obviousness. :)).
My opinion, what do you think?
As far as general attendance at kid’s stuff by significant others, I think it’s appropriate within reason and as agreed upon by parents.
A concert, performance or sporting event…sure. A one-on-one interactive event (particularly where number of children are same or fewer than the two parents) should be reserved for parents only when they can attend. Parent teacher conferences should also be for only parents, when they are able to attend.
I really appreciate the male perspective guys — thanks so much!
Comment by Kelly
| November 1st, 2009
One more thing…I feel compelled to mention that I do actually hope that someday, we can be the exception regarding how ex’s generally get along — including significant others. Bruce, Demi and Ashton come to mind. My only hang up is that I’m a woman and in the example scenario,I’d be Bruce (no offense, man – dig the swagger!), and he and she would be the cute ones (again, no offense).
Hope it’s not a pipe dream. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to eat before I give up on it.
Comment by Travis
| November 1st, 2009
Kelly – The more you sit back and let it go, the more likely that will happen. I actually can stand in the same room as my ex’s boyfriend, without wanting to kick the chair from underneath him. The only way I could make that happen, was to just focus on the time I would have with my kids, and teach them what the right perspectives should be about the divorce and me being a father.
This has worked.
boundaries aren’t black and white, if one boundary isn’t met it doesn’t mean that they will disrespect others. It’s just that we don’t trust them.
No matter what the reason for the divorce, and her involvement in that, you are going to have to let that go. Start new, accept the change, and make the best of these opportunities and times. Treat as if she has nothing to do with you and you being a mother. Separate the husband/wife elements from the mother/father elements. I found that if I pretended that the BF’s “father” behaviors didn’t affect me than the it didn’t gel with the kids, and they ignored it, as they didn’t see a me vs. him fight going on. They only saw a loving father who just wanted his kids happiness. When it came down to it, in the end, they really wanted to be with me. Since they knew I loved them.
This change is out of your control. You either work through it or you break down and make it a bigger mess than it already is.
In all reality it was Bruce who made this work, since it was him, who had to accept Ashton. You will have to accept this new Ashtonette. Be the first to communicate with her. Be in control of the situation and direct her with what you expect for your kids. Act as if she is the babysitter and give her instructions. Maintaining the control.
This has worked very well for me, my sanity. And my kids happiness.
Travis´s last blog ..Your The One That I Have Decided
Comment by Kelly
| November 2nd, 2009
Travis,
I so appreciate your candor. ***GULP*** Thank you, may I have another! I keep feeling like I’m reaching the end of what I can take…but the fact is, for my children, I’ll take whatever is necessary.
I long for something that does not exist — rules of engagement. I have generated and adhered to a set of these rules and I’m utterly disappointed that it seems they do not have such a code.
Thanks for the advice, I’ll continue to do my best.
BTW – Bruce rocks and while your “Ashtonette” did make me laugh, at this point it’s giving way more credit than is due.
I have asked to meet with her, lunch, a drink…whatever to just talk to her. Not as the woman who trashed my marriage, but as the woman who is spending time with my children. To my knowledge (through my ex) she has declined.
C’mon, thread of hope – hold steady. :)
Comment by Travis
| November 2nd, 2009
I’ve always been a fan of Bruce Willis. I still get that he said he was the one that failed at being a father and husband. So he put himself in this predicament.
Which probably made it easier to create the Bruce-Demi-Ashton trifecta of awesome-sauce, since he saw himself as a failure. And, only wanting to make things work as well as possible due to this failure. It was interesting that he has said that he still loves her. Which makes me wonder if there was a level of desperation in maintaining something that was no longer in his control.
[ Of course, that's just me thinking out loud. ]
And wow! Your bolder than me to want to meet up and just talk. I couldn’t, and didn’t want that happen. I’ve directed from “prison” so-to-speak and told him what I expected through my ex. You need to report on if you successfully able to have a sit-down with her.
In these situations, we will always be tested in what we can take. I’m just waiting for him to step over the line one more time. So, you might need to create lines, and maintain the areas you have control over.
If they do get married, then it is very likely that you two will have much greater communication. Especially when dealing with shared custody.
I saw one couple, whenever the ex called and the new wife picked up, she wouldn’t say anything more than “hello” and then throw the phone on the couch and say “it’s her”. That’s all she would say.
So sometimes, less is more. :D
Travis´s last blog ..Your The One That I Have Decided