Which probably made it easier to create the Bruce-Demi-Ashton trifecta of awesome-sauce, since he saw himself as a failure. And, only wanting to make things work as well as possible due to this failure. It was interesting that he has said that he still loves her. Which makes me wonder if there was a level of desperation in maintaining something that was no longer in his control.

[ Of course, that's just me thinking out loud. ]

And wow! Your bolder than me to want to meet up and just talk. I couldn’t, and didn’t want that happen. I’ve directed from “prison” so-to-speak and told him what I expected through my ex. You need to report on if you successfully able to have a sit-down with her.

In these situations, we will always be tested in what we can take. I’m just waiting for him to step over the line one more time. So, you might need to create lines, and maintain the areas you have control over.

If they do get married, then it is very likely that you two will have much greater communication. Especially when dealing with shared custody.

I saw one couple, whenever the ex called and the new wife picked up, she wouldn’t say anything more than “hello” and then throw the phone on the couch and say “it’s her”. That’s all she would say.

So sometimes, less is more. :D
Travis´s last blog ..Your The One That I Have Decided

I so appreciate your candor. ***GULP*** Thank you, may I have another! I keep feeling like I’m reaching the end of what I can take…but the fact is, for my children, I’ll take whatever is necessary.

I long for something that does not exist — rules of engagement. I have generated and adhered to a set of these rules and I’m utterly disappointed that it seems they do not have such a code.

Thanks for the advice, I’ll continue to do my best.

BTW – Bruce rocks and while your “Ashtonette” did make me laugh, at this point it’s giving way more credit than is due.

I have asked to meet with her, lunch, a drink…whatever to just talk to her. Not as the woman who trashed my marriage, but as the woman who is spending time with my children. To my knowledge (through my ex) she has declined.

C’mon, thread of hope – hold steady. :)

This has worked.

boundaries aren’t black and white, if one boundary isn’t met it doesn’t mean that they will disrespect others. It’s just that we don’t trust them.

No matter what the reason for the divorce, and her involvement in that, you are going to have to let that go. Start new, accept the change, and make the best of these opportunities and times. Treat as if she has nothing to do with you and you being a mother. Separate the husband/wife elements from the mother/father elements. I found that if I pretended that the BF’s “father” behaviors didn’t affect me than the it didn’t gel with the kids, and they ignored it, as they didn’t see a me vs. him fight going on. They only saw a loving father who just wanted his kids happiness. When it came down to it, in the end, they really wanted to be with me. Since they knew I loved them.

This change is out of your control. You either work through it or you break down and make it a bigger mess than it already is.

In all reality it was Bruce who made this work, since it was him, who had to accept Ashton. You will have to accept this new Ashtonette. Be the first to communicate with her. Be in control of the situation and direct her with what you expect for your kids. Act as if she is the babysitter and give her instructions. Maintaining the control.

This has worked very well for me, my sanity. And my kids happiness.
Travis´s last blog ..Your The One That I Have Decided

Hope it’s not a pipe dream. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to eat before I give up on it.

Thanks so much for your responses! It happened, as much as I tried to wish it would not, and even though I expressed my feelings to my ex, there I was…and there she was. It pretty well sucked as expected but was not too horrible.

Since you indeed read my plea for help, you know that she is the woman that, along with my ex, ended my marriage. I say this only because I think it plays a role in my discomfort.

She has been ‘fine’ since we’ve met…but I guess because we’ve never talked…I can’t help but be wary. I mean she dated my husband while we were married, how am I to expect she’s not trying to be “MOM” (to my exclusion) to my kids? I want to be respected as their mother. My EX assures me that she does respect that, but, lets face it, she does not have a history of respecting boundaries or feelings (see: she came to preschool event anyway, and other obviousness. :)).

My opinion, what do you think?

As far as general attendance at kid’s stuff by significant others, I think it’s appropriate within reason and as agreed upon by parents.

A concert, performance or sporting event…sure. A one-on-one interactive event (particularly where number of children are same or fewer than the two parents) should be reserved for parents only when they can attend. Parent teacher conferences should also be for only parents, when they are able to attend.

I really appreciate the male perspective guys — thanks so much!

The biggest thing that your going to want to look at is how she presents herself at these events. If she cordially sits back and watches versus trying to overtake the parent role, then you might be fine to just suck up the emotions. As she isn’t trying to be the parent. It really all depends on how she tries to present herself to the kids and to the other adults.

You do have the right to express your concern, and request that he doesn’t bring his girlfriend. But if he chooses to not respect that then you might have to just suck it up and try and make the situation as comfortable as possible.

I feel for the suckiness that your experiencing.
Travis´s last blog ..Your The One That I Have Decided

Have you talked to your ex? You have a right to say you’d prefer he not bring his GF. Just tell him your feelings. Maybe he will respect you as the mother of his kids, or at least be a gentleman.

That said, I’ve seen divorced women at my kids’ school bring their boyfriends to events that their ex-husband attended. So it does happen.

If your ex is remarried, and the kids live part-time with his new wife, then you should expect her to be at school events.