Single Dads are Pathetic Womanizers and Partiers? WTF!
Leave it to a bitter divorced woman to paint a picture of single dads that belongs in caveman days. A blogger named Lollie wrote an open letter to Kate Gosselin – Dear Kate, Welcome to Single Motherhood, where she spews venom about what divorced men are like.
I know, it’s one woman’s opinion, and it’s based on her own experience. But to write crap like this boggles my mind:
- “Your ex-husband will become a party animal. Women will be all over him (still). Single dads are like puppies. Women love to take them in. He will have lots of dates. Women will date him because of the children. Men will not date you for the same reason.”
- “Your ex will probably re-marry sooner than later. Men don’t like to be alone despite what they say.”
What the hell? Think she’s more than a little pissed off about her circumstance? Whether her ex was a dirty bastard or not, she might do well to get over it, take a good hard look at herself, and move on.
But please don’t shit all over every divorced man. That’s just promoting ugly stereotypes.
Think I’m over-reacting? Replace ex-husband with your favorite group, minority or not. Preface each phrase with “based on personal experience and that of my friends…”
- Blacks are party animals. Women will be all over him.
- Asians are like puppies. Women love to take them in.
- Jews don’t like to be alone despite what they say.
Now do you get my point?
Why do I care? I’ve been a single dad for nearly a decade, running a household solo, cooking and cleaning and raising two kids half-time by myself. Sure, I’ve dated and enjoyed some serious long term relationships. But women aren’t fawning all over me. Many see my kids as baggage, and simply don’t want to date me. A lot of single women I’ve met would rather start their own family from scratch. In many ways, I might be the opposite of Lollie’s ex.
Let’s just call Lollie’s Dear Kate post the ramblings of a woman who maybe still hurts from her divorce. A woman, by the way, who once commented on a post I wrote that any man who cooks must be gay. (Can we all say it together – WTF!?)
If her Dear Kate post had appeared on a personal blog, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass. I’d simply ignore it as a pissed off divorced mom spewing crap at her ex.
But the post appeared on a Silicon Valley Moms Blog sister site, 50-Something Moms. That means an editor approved it.
Wait, there’s more!
Her post was picked up by McClatchy for US National syndication. That means another editor liked it so much, it will appear on sites like the Sacramento Bee and Kansas.com.
While they’re at it, why not syndicate posts by some other mom bloggers, like the ones that said Men Suck! and Men are Monsters.
My heart goes out to all divorced people – Lollie, her ex, Jon and Kate, the many single parents who frequent Dad’s House blog. But we evolve when we look within ourselves and choose to grow. Not when we wallow in the muck of past injustices.
Now if you’ll excuse me, this poor puppy dog single dad just peed on the hardwood floor. No worries. Some hot woman fawning all over me will come clean it up, make me dinner, wash my dishes, take care of my kids – while I go party with the other dogs.
Woof.
- Jon and Kate Divorce – What the Future May Hold
- Hey Ann Coulter – It’s Evolution, Baby!
- Birthday Traditions for Children of Divorce
- Is Dating Easier for Single Dads than Single Moms?
- Married Couples Partying Without Single Parents
- Since When Are Dads Not Important?
- Relationship and Divorce Advice Books
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Comment by erin
| June 29th, 2009
i hate stereotypes too. it happens all the time. and when there’s a woman like lollie that does this, i think that takes us all 2 steps back. she’s probably really still bitter about her own marriage.
sometimes if i say something, I have to be supercareful to not “generalize” because it may be my personal experience. and i’d hate if i ended up generalizing and hurt someone that I knew based on what i just said.
Comment by Just me...
| June 29th, 2009
Oh, like that’s the first time someone’s warped opinion was pubished as fact!?! :)
Seriously, it doesn’t matter whether you’re a single parent or not, dating is difficult. Divorce is difficult. Life is difficult.. These are just the things that occur as you live it. Sometimes, things happen. Sometimes, you make them happen to yourself.
Lollie needs to dust herself off and re-join the real world. Being bitter about a catting-around-ex maybe easy to do and you may even have just cause. But, to wallow in it only makes you more miserable..
Oh, and guys who cook can be gay or not, they are all invited to my house!!! :) :)
Just me…´s last blog ..The Duplex…
Comment by Jimmy
| June 29th, 2009
No offense-but maybe your analogy might affend some. Nobody ever tried to lynch someone for being divorced.
Comment by Ashley
| June 29th, 2009
I have a feeling that the reason that woman is single has NOTHING to do with her being divorced or having children or anything of the like.
The quotes alone make her crappy attitude more than apparent, who would want to date that?!
Comment by Optimus Prime
| June 29th, 2009
You are right to protest this message. But yes, this sort of message will abound. And there will likely be some that take the spin against women and for Jon and his plight.
I will say, however, that if I had any interest in writing Kate a letter ~ it would probably be entirely unsympathetic toward her. I do not feel one bit sorry for her, or Jon. I am only sad for the children. But I was sad for them before any of this even happened.
Comment by Dan
| June 29th, 2009
Optimus,
I agree. I hope the kids have some very loving grandparents and extended family, because they’re going to need everyone for support and love. Their parents already showed horrible judgment by putting them on TV. Now the kids have to go through a divorce, too? I feel very, very sorry for them.
dadshouse,
I’ve stumbled upon your blog yesterday, and love it. I’ve read a ton of your back posts since. Please keep up the good work, and hope your family is doing well.
Comment by Ditz
| June 29th, 2009
I read her whole blog, and I think she did nail it. Based on my own experience and that of 3 divorced friends (who did not want a divorce but their cheating spouses did) that is exactly what happens. Yes its a stereotype, but when you see it happen repeatedly, its all you know.
He is younger than you and a mini-celebrity. He is not going to be alone for long.
Comment by Honey
| June 29th, 2009
Every time I hear about Jon & Kate, all I can think is that IVF should be illegal. If they hadn’t had all those kids, their underlying incompatibilities (which were surely there all along) may not have been triggered to the point where a divorce was necessary to resolve the problem.
If you can’t have your own kid, adopt one. There are plenty, here and abroad, who are desperate the resources necessary to provide physical, intellectual, and emotional health. Don’t turn your body into a chemical dumping ground just because you’re vain enough to believe your DNA is better in any significant way than anyone else’s. Sheesh.
Oh, but back to the post – I’m with those who deeply suspect that Lollie’s bitterness was a precondition to the divorce and not a result of it. I wouldn’t want someone in my life who was that sour all the time.
Honey´s last blog ..Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?
Comment by MindyMom
| June 29th, 2009
I haven’t read that post but on some level I have to agree with Ditz. Men often do the things that she metioned, especially early on after seperation/divorce. Men like you, who have gone through those stages are in a different place. I think we all, men and women alike, have our time post divorce where we process and try to find ourselves again. Some do it with very little if any self-reflection and that is when you see someone jump into the next relationship before the ink is dry on the divorce. Sure, both sexes do this but I’m pretty sure statistics would show it is much more common for men. And as far as single moms v. single dads and dating with kids? You can bet it is more of a deterrant for the single mom than the single dad.
MindyMom´s last blog ..Weekend Developements
Comment by notasoccermom
| June 29th, 2009
I lived a very similar divorce to that of lollie, however, I too have raised kids on my own for over a decade while he continued to marry and continued to make more babies to abandon.
Poor choice on my part but we were young.
However. I have lived my life regardless and if you read my blog he is hardly mentioned except when he breaks my childrens hearts and I would do the same about anyone who did.
Get over it!
It is always nice to get on a soap box with your sad story and have validation for your hurt by those who have similar experiences. But not at the expense of the single parents out there (male or female) who are doing what is best for the kids?
Im not sure how Jon and Kate will handle their divorce or the kids. But I think they both seem to have the kids best interests at heart. People will disagree however, some ex’s abandon thier children and I dont see either of them doing that!
notasoccermom´s last blog ..Fathers Day and all its meanings
Comment by QTMama
| June 29th, 2009
Being as judgmental as Lollie only would make me look like a jerk, or likes she does. Really stupid.
QTMama´s last blog ..Chemistry and Drunk Dials and Chemistry
Comment by Custodial dad
| June 29th, 2009
What I find most interesting about her post is that she assumes the woman always gets the children in a divorce.
There’s a large population of fathers who’ve been shut out of their children’s lives by a court system that also automatically assumes the mother is the better caregiver. I don’t think these fathers think it’s “disneyland” to be relegated to some arbitrary “standard” visitation schedule.
Hopefully, one day people will move past the stereotypes for the good of the children.
Comment by Paula
| June 29th, 2009
I couldn’t help but wonder if Lollie has olive skin, long dark hair and a five year old with recently purchased clothes on?
Paula´s last blog ..T&D Cats of the World, Penns Creek, PA
Comment by Paula
| June 29th, 2009
PS And stink eye.
Paula´s last blog ..T&D Cats of the World, Penns Creek, PA
Comment by Danielle
| June 29th, 2009
From watching other peoples divorces, I do see a little bit of Lollies point I have seen SOME men do this exact thing she speaks of. By the way, I have seen a few women do the same thing, so it is just human nature to do what ever makes you feel better and to get you through to another day. And some people just suck.
But wow, can you say bitter? Stereotyping people and holding grudges for that long can destroy you.
Danielle´s last blog ..Meme and much much more
Comment by momontwowheels
| June 29th, 2009
Her blog and it being picked up my news sites is unfortunate but not surprising. That it’s being run on multiple sites, though, doesn’t mean an editor liked it. Too many online news sites aren’t managed by traditional journalistic editors but by site managers whose goal is to increase page views. Jon & Kate equal clicks. And a spewing man-hating blog such as hers means people with log on and agree or disagree — doesn’t matter. More clicks. It’s disturbing all around.
For every puppy-dog divorced dad I know, I know a divorced mom who is dating younger guys, putting her kids second, biding her time in a PT job until her financial savior comes along. An equally unflattering stereotype.
Comment by Sandra
| June 29th, 2009
These stereotypes about men have been around for years and this is nothing new. I’ve been women like this spew this stuff for as long as I remember. You’re writing like this is the first time you’ve heard such garbage.
Why do you care ? You obviously don’t fit this stereotype. And honestly, for the women that buy into it, you wouldn’t want to be around them anyway.
Men have been spewing angry stereotypes for as long as I remember. I’m tired of hearing the stereotypes about women, and I’m tired of men thinking we’re money and blood-sucking leeches that don’t want to work or have sex. I am also tired of listening to men bash women while I’m out on a date with them. It really does go both ways.
But there is nothing we can do about it. Angry people with bad experiences are not going away anytime soon.
Sandra´s last blog ..Hey there sexi, wanna massage ?
Comment by Sandra
| June 29th, 2009
I meant to say that I’ve *seen* women like this, not *been*, which was in the first line. Oopsies.
Sandra´s last blog ..Hey there sexi, wanna massage ?
Comment by T
| June 29th, 2009
Wow. Sad thing is, there are lots of women out there who hold this stereotype about men in general. And there are men out there who hold this stereotype about women in general. Generalities… come from fear. And most of the time, past pain.
*deep breath*
You know this is not who you are David. Be proud to represent the good guys, ok? If a woman is breeding this type of anger, you don’t want her to be attracted to you anyway.
Oh and by the way, that puppy looks just like my sweet Kodi girl that passed away several years ago. I heart German Shepherds.
T´s last blog ..What to say, what to say…
Comment by krn
| June 29th, 2009
The woman’s generalizations are the result of pain, anger and negativity. Given her circumstance, it’s not surprising that she’s projecting her ex’s behavior onto the entire gender. Divorce is never good and people work through it in their own ways and in their own time. I hope she is able to heal and move on to create a good life for herself and her children. We must be patient with people like her. They are broken and some never heal.
Those of us who have healed and have our own healthy, happy lives post divorce can be reminded that we have much to be thankful for.
I couldn’t help but wonder if Dad’s dog photo and reference might be a suggestion to get a dog next time instead of a spouse? ;)
Umm, Paula– Aaaaaaahhhhh! Too funny, you.
Comment by ilinap
| June 29th, 2009
I for one hate this post. I find it truly distasteful, reeking of the venom of love gone wrong. Perhaps there solace in noting that Lollie has trashed my posts in the past. While I’ve never met her, I’m pretty sure it’s evident she doesn’t live life the way we do. That post is full of shit. Shame on you, McClathy!
Comment by Kathleen
| June 29th, 2009
Everyone is entitled to their opinion and we don’t have to agree with it and it’s okay to disagree. My hats off to you for being so involved with your kids… frankly, my divorce was so bizarre. I can’t even categorize or stereotype my ex. I just didn’t expect my divorce to be so difficult. I thought, for the kids sake, my ex would stay close and I thought my ex would be involved in the kids lives daily. Well, I got the extreme opposite to that. It’s hard being a single parent… mom or dad. It’s all about putting the kids first and showing them that they are loved no matter what the parents do or how they behave to each other. It should be nice, but…
Kathleen´s last blog ..wow! he can really be a strange bird!
Comment by dadshouse
| June 29th, 2009
I think the reason I cared about her post is that SV Moms published it, and I’m a contributing member there. It’s depressing to think they’d allow such spite to go on a communal site. Worse is that McClatchy picked it up for national syndication. I’m sure McClatchy grabbed it for the Jon and Kate angle. But still. I don’t hear Jon bashing all divorced women, or Kate bashing all divorced men. The post sucks.
Sandra – I agree stereotypes like that have been around for ages. We as a society only outgrow them when a tipping point is reached and enough people say we don’t want to hear it any more. If Lollie wants to rant on her own blog, fine. But if two organizations propogate her hate, they are not helping society grow and evolve.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| June 29th, 2009
Ugh, Dads, haven’t read her whole blog, just picking up the tidbits you highlight here.
Hate to say it — I love, love, love men — but some things she says are true:
“Women will be all over him (still).” — of course they will! If a man’s halfway attractive and a bit charming, there’s always a woman or two — or dozens — who will be all over him. You know this!
“Single dads are like puppies. Women love to take them in.” — Uh, yeah. See above.
“He will have lots of dates. Women will date him because of the children. Men will not date you for the same reason.” Uh, yeah, for the most part. Women are (generally) much more OK with taking on the whole package than men are. Has a lot to do with men of a certain age (for the most part) wanting younger, child-free women, and women not necessarily having that choice or maybe not caring as much. Again, not every man or woman but enough.
“Your ex will probably re-marry sooner than later.” Statistics prove this true.
Men don’t like to be alone despite what they say.” Some men, maybe. Some women, too. This one’s open to debate.
I’m not saying that I think this is right, good or fair. I’m just saying that if you read enough of the studies, books, blah, blah, blah, this is (generally) true.
So, how are we going to change that?
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Animal attraction isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be
Comment by Andrea
| June 30th, 2009
So lets get this straight (for the record) you’re a divorced gay womanizing party animal?
Glad we cleared that up lol.
It sounds like she has her own issues and perhaps shouldn’t be handing out advice of her own.
Andrea´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts: Bring on the boxes
Comment by Jules
| June 30th, 2009
Oh, come on….we all know sensationalism gets attention. Kuddos to any dad, single, divorced or married who does more than 50% of his share of raising his kids, taking care of the house and cooking a meal!!! Some of the best meals I’ve ever eaten were prepared by STRAIGHT men :)!!!!!!!
Comment by Kathleen
| June 30th, 2009
It’s actually wonderful to read all these comments since we all have different circumstances, past,present, future that makes us have different opinions on all of this. I agree, no matter what bad or good press, it’s still press. I feel bad for these children. Can you imagine when they are in their teens, 20’s and older looking back on all of this??? I guess, at least, they will know the public supported them and loved these innocent little creatures that deserve a wonderful life.
It’s it scary. I look at my two girls and hope that in the end, they don’t hate me or their dad. However, at times, my heart breaks when my daughters tell me they are sick of us adults not getting along. I have the 24/7 and hope that I did the best job I could parenting. It’s hard, especially with 2 girls! Phew, who put hormones in those creatures that grow bigger than they are at birth!!!!!
I NEVER intended to bring children into this world without a two parent that loved them. I NEVER intended to be a single parent. Life is full of changes. As I titled my blog (and boy I hope I don’t bash my ex too much, but do tell, from my opinion of how life is on this side of the divorce), If I wasn’t smiling (actually giggling), I would be crying.
thanks, David for blogging about this (and all of your posts)… it makes us think!
Kathleen´s last blog ..wow! he can really be a strange bird!
Comment by dadshouse
| June 30th, 2009
Kat – almost nothing of what you wrote has anything to do with single dads. Sure, handsome charming men get fawned over – whether single, single dads, or married. Same is true for attractive women – whether single, single moms, or married.
Is it easier for single dads to date? Maybe in your neck of the woods. Not in Silicon Valley. There are more single men than women here. Single women take their pick. Most single women I’ve met see my kids as baggage, and they don’t want the whole package as you say. They’d rather start a family from scratch.
Meanwhile, the single moms I know all flit from boyfriend to boyfriend, or are remarried. Seriously – if you single moms want a man, move to Silicon Valley. There are plenty of single men here.
I think the only books and studies you can possibly refer to are statistics on how soon after divorce a single dad or single mom remarries. Everything else Lollie wrote is stereotypical crap.
Comment by Kathleen
| June 30th, 2009
so, am I bashing my ex in my blog… I’m not dissing you, am I? I know I write differently from what’s in my head. Am I too confusing? This is about my comment I left… well, and maybe my blogging…
After reading all these comments here, I never want to be a basher, but just want to be an outlet for others to kinda laugh or even be mad at me. I don’t care either way… whoa, maybe that’s wrong…
It’s crazy that there are more single men out there… everywhere. Why is that? One will never know. Maybe you should move here to Colorado… lot’s of fit, healthy people here. Speaking of which, I need to get out there for my ride… it’s gonna be a hot one here today.
thanks for your honesty! Now, why are YOU single? I see you as a wonderful catch for some lucky girl!
Kathleen´s last blog ..I feel lost…
Comment by dadshouse
| June 30th, 2009
Kathleen – whatever someone writes on their own blog is what it is. Some use their blogs as an outlet, some as a call for support, some to inform or entertain. I think blogs are very personal, and if you write a post that bashes your ex, so be it. No judgment.
If a blog post goes up on a bigger site, like SV Moms, or Salon.com, or gets syndicated – then I think the post is meant to reach a wider audience, and the author should take care to make their point in a defensible way. In that light, I don’t think those sites should propogate ugly stereotypes.
Why am I still single? I haven’t a clue! If I lived in the city rather than the suburbs, I’d probably be snatched up by now. I have been in some long term committed dating relationships after my divorce, two of which could have ended up in marriage, but they didn’t. And here I am.
Comment by krn
| June 30th, 2009
Many valid points here.
Dad’s is spot on about the need to stop promoting hate and anger as a means for supporting societal evolution. Promoting unhealthy, stereotypical viewpoints in the media isn’t helpful, but reading about and watching other peoples’ trainwrecks has become a national pastime. The only to decrease it is to ignore it so that it is not longer profitable, but is this realistic? Not as long as it continues to be fascinating. The collective we seems to be fascinated by negative human behavior more than we are repelled by it. The scale may be tilting, but a tipping point seems a ways off still.
Moving to Silicon Valley to get a date sounds a bit extreme at the moment. But, if my dry spell keeps up for much longer I won’t rule it out. No sense ending up in the Guinness Book of World Records for something unintended when there are so many others striving for that distinction.
Comment by Laura
| June 30th, 2009
I had to laugh at your first quote cos in fact that didnt happen to my ex – it happened to me! I became a party animal and men were falling all over me :O)
People need negativity! They need the stereotype to be true! So its obvious people lap this crap up! It fits the mould of how its supposed to be!
Men are supposed to be players and disrespectful and and and!
Only when we, as men and women, stop accepting it. Stop reading this crap, start making more posts like this will it stop!
Comment by Momma Sunshine
| July 1st, 2009
Ugh. I don’t have a t.v. so I don’t follow the “Jon and Kate” thing at all. But I think it’s sickening to see such stereotypes about anyone being promoted by other people based on their personal experience. I think that we can ALL come up with examples for everything that could argue for or against any number of stereotypes – that doesn’t make it right.
Comment by The Exception
| July 9th, 2009
Wow… I wish I had been around for this one!!
It surprises me how adults change when thecustody of a child becomes involved. No longer is the focus always about what is best for the child but the focus becomes the adults and their agendas, issues, the perceptions of society, their spouse… everything but the child. I have the greatest respect for those parents, like david, who are able to put their kids first and keep them there. It is much harder than David makes it look!!
The Exception´s last blog ..Through the window
Comment by alley
| July 12th, 2009
okay, so commenting on a month old post shows just how much time I have on my hands, but . . . .
I think that there are “good” and “bad” apples in all groups. Including single parents of both genders. I have seen both single moms and single dads who worked their asses off to make life as normal as possible for their children, which included getting along with an ex they couldn’t stand and working their social schedual around what the kids needed. I have also seen single moms and dads who fought like cats and dogs, used the children as pawns, and left them with random babysitters to go chase members of the opposite sex.
I have to point out that weather or not a man or woman is fawned over has a lot to do with the quality of person they want around them. I’m a single mom of three, I work a good job and I’m not bad looking, if I wanted I could be knee deep in guys, but I don’t just want A guy, I want THE guy, so I’m picky, I don’t put up with chauvinism and I don’t let people disrespect me and call it joking, so the crowd gets seriously thinned.
Its the same with men, there are women who will throw themselves at anything with a penis, a job, and a pulse, but men who want quality women in their lives wont fall for it. I’ve seen it happen. The woman who is all over any guy who speaks to her may always have one or two on the hook to get with, but very few are permanent additions to her life.
Comment by Big Little Wolf
| July 30th, 2009
Late to this post, I’m sorry to say. Then again… I have two bones to pick (also sorry to say).
First – the remark as to “you seem like a catch… why aren’t you married?” (I’m paraphrasing.) ARE WE REALLY STILL THERE? Are we still a society that sees a single “goal” for the mating-and-dating dance, the proverbial “happy ending” and the word may indeed be “ending?”
Once we’ve had our kids, must all sexual or love relationships “terminate” in a legal and/or religious ceremony that is costly to undertake, and even more costly to undo (as if it is ever really undone)?
The French have a legal status accorded to those who are committed and live together… something between marriage and dating. I rather like that concept. But more importantly, I like the notion that men and women (or any consenting adults who engage in acts of caring, touching, and sharing their lives) may simply DO so, without necessity to categorize the union or to codify it.
Is it still impossible that some of us choose a (positive) single state, rather than bemoaning a (negative) “unmarried” one?
Bone #2: Might we STRIKE THE TERM WOMANIZER FROM THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE? (Where are the Urban Dictionary guys when you need them?)
Why is it that a man who enjoys women is a “womanizer,” and a woman who enjoys men is a “slut?” (Or as Urban Dictionary might say, a skanky ho…)
Seriously. When are we going to get past all this stuff? And just be men and women enjoying whomever we please, respectfully, according to the privacy of our own beliefs (without imposing them on others), while raising our kids to be happy, tolerant, and contributing members of society?
Must we all move to France? Damn. I hope not. Those metro strikes are bad enough as it is. And Paris gets so muggy when the trains are jammed…
Big Little Wolf´s last blog ..Around, around, around we go… Match dot com, you’re awfully slow.
Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| July 30th, 2009
Hahaha, wow. I think I find this so amusing because my ex-husband re-married right after our divorce. I doubt he has hot women fawning all over him, but I’m having fun dating hot guys. Urban dictionary might call me a “skanky ho” (thanks, Big Little Wolf for the giggle), but I prefer “woman who enjoys men.”
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Calling All Angels