Chemistry.com Profile – Maybe More Kids?
I’ve been using Chemistry.com for about two months now. The compatibility matching service has netted me exactly one date. (Woo-hoo!)
Currently, there are ten women in some stage of the online matchmaking dance with me – interest shown, comparing relationship essentials, answering two questions, or emailing.
Some of these woman take a few days between responses, others take weeks or even a month. I know people get busy – I was idle on Chemistry.com for two weeks at the end of my kids’ school year.
Still, I wonder if at least some of these women might like me, but just aren’t sure about one item in my profile:
Wants children: no
(Yes, I know there might be a zillion reasons why some women are taking ages to respond. For conversation sake, let’s assume at least one of them is considering this “wants children” item.)
The reason I wonder is this: if I receive a profile from a woman, and she has marked “yes” to the wants children item, I immediately dismiss her profile. I figure she really wants more kids, and I really don’t. A lack of relationship compatibility is an instant deal-breaker. Why bother meeting? I assume a woman like that receiving my “no” profile would do the same.
If a woman marks “no” to the wants children item, I bump her to the front of the getting-to-know-you list (assuming I’m attracted and feel there’s a chance for chemistry.)
It’s the women who mark “maybe” to the wants children field that befuddle me. How can a woman not be sure?
A single mom who marks “maybe” might really be on the fence. I get that. I was that way as a single dad five years ago. I could have had more kids, or not, just fine. Now that my kids are older, though, I’m pretty sure I’m done making babies.
But a childless single mom who marks “maybe” means what exactly? She might want to be a mom someday? She might not? She wants to be a mom but she doesn’t want to seem over-eager and pressure the guy into marriage and baby from the first date? She doesn’t want to be a mom but she doesn’t want to appear lacking a nurturing instinct?
Some days I think I should mark my wants kids field to say “maybe”. Maybe some of these women would respond more quickly.
Then again, maybe I should just quit this online dating charade, continue meeting women in real life, and gauge interest the old-fashioned way – by getting to know her in person.
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Comment by Andrea
| June 30th, 2009
The only way to find out what the ‘maybe’ means is to ask. I think this is a tricky question. Not being familiar with the questionnaire is it asking Do you want to birth more kids? or Are you open to someone who has kids that you may then help him raise?
To me it’s a tricky kind of question. And one I don’t know anything about. I’m married but I’d have to say I’d be in the maybe category if I was single. As in I don’t want to have any more of my own but I’ll help you to raise yours.
Andrea´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts: Bring on the boxes
Comment by mariposa
| June 30th, 2009
“Maybe”, in my opinion, suggests someone who isn’t very clear of who she is or what her top priorities are. And perhaps all too willing to “say” the right thing just to get a date, then eventually define her agenda. Who knows. But I can be a real pessimist, so that might cloud my opinion a bit! (haha)
mariposa´s last blog ..hot night
Comment by erin
| June 30th, 2009
interesting. to me — i don’t want kids. But i do have those moments where if i were younger and the finances let me, there’s a possibility that i would want kids. same as boyfriend — he said if he were younger and married, then he’d want kids, other than that, he’s not too concerned.
I also know a couple that says they could go either way when it comes to having kids. as — if they don’t have their own by a certain age, it’s fine, if they want kids and adoption is an option, sure. if they don’t have kids at all, that’s fine too!
i think it’s really a matter of getting to know the person. some people may feel that with one person they could absolutely have a kid with them, but with another person, they wouldn’t want to have kids with them.
Comment by Paula
| June 30th, 2009
I think maybe might just be a maybe. Maybe, if I met the right guy, and he wanted another child together. Maybe, if I meet him before I am X age. Or maybe, if I meet the right guys and he doesn’t want more kids I wouldn’t. No seems so 100%, as does yes. I don’t think maybe shows a lack of priorities. Life changes. We can be married, employed and in a nice house one minute, unemployed and widowed or divorced with a for sale sign the next. Some people may not want to close a door without being sure. How many things in life are ever certain?
Paula´s last blog ..T&D Cats of the World, Penns Creek, PA
Comment by debra
| June 30th, 2009
I love Paula’s response. Life changes. I think a maybe shows that a person may realize that all in life is not black and white and they’ll be open to whatever life sends their way.
Comment by Danielle
| June 30th, 2009
I think that if I put maybe, it would be because I would have another child if the right person came along and I new that they would be there to help. That is such a big IF these days. You just never know how you would feel about another child if the “right person” came into your life. Or maybe they are doing exactly what you said you should do. Putting maybe so that people don’t immediatly delete them.
I am all for on-line dating for single people and have heard about many great stories, but I sometimes wonder how honest people are via the internet.
Danielle´s last blog ..Meme and much much more
Comment by Kat Wilder
| June 30th, 2009
Hey, everyone above me brought up good ideas.
And it might just mean she’s OK with meeting a man who already has kids (as in, I don’t need to have kids of my own, but I would be open to being with a man who has them).
It’s a stupid online profile question, just like stating your income.
Online dating (of which I’m a fan and I know you’re on the fence about) only works if you’re open to lots of possibilities and are willing to take the risks inherent in the formula (although if a woman marks yes to want kids and you don’t want any, it’s time to move on …)
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Animal attraction isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be
Comment by midmom
| June 30th, 2009
Maybe was my way of saying I’ll take someone else’s kids happily, adopt a child potentially, etc. Chemistry doesn’t give room for those answers! Like you I think I am done with making babies. I have an almost nine year old and am 33. I am looking forward to being in my 40’s and doing some adventures that I feel like I can’t do now. My aunt and uncle had their children like I did in my 20’s. They have always told me how great it was to start exploring the world again when their kids went off to college. They had life experience to appreciate things more, energy and money. That all being said you never know where life takes you or who you fall in love with.
I do have a close guy friend that is divorced and got a vesectomy so that women really understood he was clear about the no kids. He said it really cleared out the field fast! He just got remarried.
FYI: I met one of my best single dad guy friends on Chemistry! We were not a romantic match in the end, but we have a GREAT time together with and without our kids! We are going to London all together for the 4th of July break! This weekend we all watched the USA lose to Brazil together.
He always gives me great dating advice. The latest: Ask your boyfriend (no kids): Where doe he sees himself in our family? What would our family life look like?
Comment by MindyMom
| June 30th, 2009
I also agree with Paula. And I happened to notice recently on another dating site that you can select the answer to “want kids?” as “no, but it’s ok if my partner has kids” which is perfect for dating single parents. Seems online dating has improved a bit since I tried it several years ago. Just sayin’.
MindyMom´s last blog ..Weekend Developements
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 30th, 2009
I think the above comments are all good. It’s too vague a question. If I were filling it out, I would be confused about how to answer. I mean, I have children. It feels weird saying ‘NO’ to the question. Like I’m saying I don’t like children and don’t want them around me. I would also not want to come across as someone who doesn’t want to be with a man who has children. It’s also possible that a woman would like children, but would be quite fine not having them. Sounds like a ‘MAYBE’ to me. I would be concerned writing ‘YES’ because it seems so absolute. YES, I want children and I won’t be happy if I can’t have them.
In other words, as the above commenters point out, the question needs much more clarification. And some of that clarification can’t really be addressed before meeting, or even before knowing each other awhile.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Hauling Ash
Comment by Kori
| June 30th, 2009
I think you are over analyzing that particular question; sometimes maybe just means that they really don’t know. It doesn’t have to mean it is some character defect that they can’t make up their minds about anything, it doesn’t have to mean they are just saying what they think men want to hear in order to get a date (good god, are you ALL THAT, that women will lie to date you? The collective “you,” not the you specifically you, ha ha ha). I think sometimes it means just that-they are not sure. Could go either way. Whatever it is.
Kori´s last blog ..Weekend Recap
Comment by krn
| June 30th, 2009
Given all of the above, I think changing your no to a maybe sounds like a good idea. If you decide to do that, is there someplace on the profile where you can write a line about what your maybe means? That way it won’t look like you changed your response only to get more potential matches.
To me, eyeing a grounded brunette with a five year old is a maybe, if you truly are willing to have a relationship with someone with younger children versus just a hook up.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 30th, 2009
Andrea – great point. Chemistry.com has separate fields for whether you want to adopt or give birth, and whether you’re okay with your partner having children.
One problem, though, since these are just “preferences” and not part of Dr. Helen’s compatibility magic, they will sometimes match people where one wants kids and the other doesn’t. Dr. Helen would say “you are compatible. To be together, one of you needs to change your preference.”
Another problem is you can’t email another chemistry.com member until you make it through 3 stages of guided questions. So I can’t pop off an email to any of these women. (In defense of chemistry.com, this prevents women from getting deluged with messages from would-be suitors. i.e. it cuts way down on harrassing or needy emailers.)
Paula and erin – great responses. I agree.
Danielle – do you think if I changed my response to “maybe” I would get more dates? I’m just worried some of those dates would be pissed at me once they discovered my “maybe” was more of a “no”. (I’m not 100% against more kids – just 99.9%)
Midmom – how cool that a Chemistry.com potential match turned into a friendship! I also like your empty nest advice about exploring the world. That’s sort of what I’m eyeing right now. My daughter heads to college in a year, and my son 4 years after her.
Cathouse Teri – I get that same weird feeling.
Krn – great point! Yes, I could mark “maybe” and then write a sentence explaining the answer. Though, truthfully, I’m not sure what my explanation would be. Maybe I need to figure that out!
Comment by Honey
| June 30th, 2009
I would probably have to answer “maybe” as well even though I know I definitely don’t want my own kids – there is a very slight chance I’d be open to adoption and if the guy had his own kids then perhaps we’d be a match anyway. For me those chances are very slight, but not so much that I’d feel comfortable saying “no.”
Even though you say you want a woman at your same life stage, you do tend to go for women somewhat younger than you. So it’s possible that they have their own small children already and are very sensitive to the idea of “no” even though they may not want more of their own either. A “no” might feel like you’re rejecting their kids before even meeting them.
Honey´s last blog ..Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?
Comment by Danielle
| June 30th, 2009
In response- Checking MAYBE may open the door to more women and since there is a 1% chance for a yes, you wouldn’t be lying. I would make a point to bring it up quickly and see what they meant by MAYBE so that you don’t waste anyone’s time in the long run though. Honesty in the long run is the best policy and I already know from reading your blog, that, that holds true for you. You seem like a great catch.
Danielle´s last blog ..Not your average "pick a color" kinda place
Comment by Sandra
| June 30th, 2009
Someone made a good comment above, stating that if you state “no” for children that it may come off as you not wanting a woman with children period, and that it may feel like though you have your kids, you would be rejecting the ones she already has.
Maybe you could either explain it a little in your profile ?
Another possibility is that you check “maybe” and then individually go there with each person and honestly state that you don’t think you’ll want babies in the future.
I dated a man in his early forties who did not want children at all. We didn’t work out, but he ended up getting engaged and told me he was open to having children with her.
Honestly, you never know what life can throw at you. There is a chance that you could meet your Ms. Right and she’s everything you’ve ever wanted, she wants a baby, and because you’re so smitten you give her one.
I also think that the online dating thing isn’t really doing any good. I think you’re better off meeting women and getting to know them in person.
Sandra´s last blog ..Hey Baby, Hows About a Bad Boy ?
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 30th, 2009
I am very up front with men about children. If one wants me to have his baby, I will do it under two conditions. Buy me a house (paid for and in my name) and give me $500,000 in cash. I love children and I’m very good at making beautiful ones. Would love to have a hundred babies but I will not leave them while I make a living. So if a man wants a baby with me, it’s gonna cost him. A lot. A man may even try to wiggle in an offer to just let me be at home while he works and supports me and said baby, but that’s not the same. Why? Because men come… and then they go.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Hauling Ash
Comment by Barry
| June 30th, 2009
David, First your site is terrific. Hats off to you.
I understand the not having kids at this point. My kids are older and I feel if I had one now, when I went to soccer games (several years from now) my kids would be told how nice it is to have their grandfather come to their games . Umm, that’s my dad. lol
As far as the dating site, keep your answer as NO. After all, this will give less results, but more true matches. No need to get all hot and bothered and be crushed after kids being a deal breaker.
Not sure answer, I agree with some others. Keep them in the loop, and just ask. Might as well find out before discounting. You never know. She might be an international millionaire just looking for the right male blogger to father her child, only to have you retire on her yacht while she takes care of everything for your child. Of course, this would have no influence on me….. but you might see it differently!
Barry´s last blog ..No Excuse Not To Be Involved
Comment by Paula
| June 30th, 2009
On another note, I am 40 something w/ kids who are 21 and 23. Having just spent many days watching a friends 8 & 10 year olds, I would say NO kids, NO men with school age kids. That would be definate. Kids are great, but I did all that with mine. That might indicate an age thing. For myself, the thought of HAVING kids in my 40s is too much to even think of. So, I’d say, if unsure, date women over 40. I think most would be with me on the kid thing. Been there, done that.
Paula´s last blog ..T&D Cats of the World, Penns Creek, PA
Comment by Kathleen
| June 30th, 2009
my mouthful… check maybe if you would entertain the possibility of having more kids… whether by birth or not. I did online dating and had a ball, but it is a game and there is no way to really find out how true someone is until you meet them. Pictures can be fake (oh boy!), salaries, how they live, their interests… some folks really puff up their profiles. I was true and honest… so much so, it actually scared people off. Oh well. I didn’t find my sweetie on an internet site. He was a regular at work (Starbucks) but I still have some good friends from the internet dating experience.
I say put “maybe” so it opens up more opportunities. At one point, I searched for folks in Italy, Spain… I was really branching out on those choices. It was fun to daydream!
I saw a bunch of cute guys and gals at the library… maybe check out that…
Kathleen´s last blog ..I feel lost…
Comment by Sandy
| June 30th, 2009
I agree, ask. I feel so left out. I’ve been married since long before online dating and I really would have tried that! I think it’s a perfectly reasonable way to meet people. I have been so tempted a few times to fill out one of the applications….and post it….just to see what happens!! That wouldn’t be right, though, would it? Would it??
Sandy´s last blog ..Boo-Hoo
Comment by Toronto Mama
| June 30th, 2009
I agree. The online dating charade totally sucks. I am also not interested in a guy who doesn’t want kids. But that’s because I’m looking in the 28-40 range. It’s understandable for a guy over 40 not to want kids. I get it.
Good luck to you Dads, you will find your match someday :)
Toronto Mama´s last blog ..More changes, more transitions
Comment by Abby Carter
| June 30th, 2009
Maybe to me means if she finds the right guy, the right situation, then she wants kids, if not then she doesn’t. I wouldn’t write off a maybe though. Nothing is ever that black and white and there are so many other variables to consider as well. It is just a date after all.
Abby Carter´s last blog ..Calming the Mind Gremlins
Comment by Mark
| June 30th, 2009
This is an interesting observation. I tend to agree with you that “maybe” in any form leaves open the the possibility of a yes and that is a possibility that you have closed off to. I would discount them from you prospects.
Mark´s last blog ..We Are All One – May We Let Our Light Shine!
Comment by RJ
| June 30th, 2009
When I first tried an online site, this question – how to answer it, and how to interpret their answer – threw me as well. Did a single mom saying “no” mean “no more and therefore I don’t want you to have them.” Conversely, did “yes” from me mean I actually wanted more of my own, or was simply open to the woman also having children.
Then I figured that I was, as I often do, over-thinking things. Typically, within a couple of conversations, the issue was cleared up.
On another note, this is my first comment, but I’ve been reading for a while. As a new nearly full-time single dad to an eleven year old girl, I’ve found you to be funny, insightful, and reassuring, in that I see it can be done. You’ve even moved me to start my own blog – completely different approach, but I hope it gives me an outlet to sort out all of the issues I face raising a girl on the cusp of womanhood.
Thanks. Dad’s House rocks.
RJ´s last blog ..Summer camp’s no picnic (for me)
Comment by Laura
| June 30th, 2009
Honestly – I think you should quit the whole online dating thing!
It can get kinda soul destroying!
I dont get why there is a maybe answer to any question – its either yes or no! You cant MAYBE do things!
Comment by katherine.
| July 1st, 2009
echoing several others…it is a question open to interpertation.
One site I use to be on had the option:
“I would accept other’s kids”
Maybe you could leave that question unanswered and explain in the comment section. And maybe not rule out those women who select maybe for their response.
At my advanced age it won’t be long before it is no longer an issue….laughing…the questions will have to be about grandchildren….
katherine.´s last blog ..down by the Boardwalk…down by the sea-ee-ee
Comment by Momma Sunshine
| July 1st, 2009
For me, personally, this is where I stand on the kids issue. I am done having kids. My girls are 4 and 6, and if the decision were mine to make, I would have no more.
However, if I were to meet and fall in love with someone who really wanted children, it would be an option that I would explore. Because I know what it’s like to really want kids. I don’t feel so strongly on NOT having kids that I wouldn’t consider it for the man I love.
That’s just my take on it.