Gold Diggers
A recent comment at Dad’s House touched a nerve with me. It reminded me of a problem I’ve had dating in Silicon Valley – some women seem solely focused on how much money they can get out of a man.
Not all women are like this. But some definitely are. I’ve seen it personally. Friends have, too. Gold diggers have been around for ages.
Here’s what happened: last week, I devoted a week’s worth of blog posts to vacations. I tried to tie in single parenting or family issues and stories, and I wrote about real vacations I’ve taken: Kilauea volcano lava flow on Hawaii’s Big Island, a Machu Picchu Peru vacation with a post-divorce girlfriend, and a Fiji tropical dream resort vacation I took when I was married.
A signal flare went up when a few people called me obnoxious for taking such exotic trips while they can barely afford to go camping.
Forget that I’d told of three trips taken over the course of twenty years. Envy raised its head.
I have to admit, I can relate a bit to feelings of envy. Whenever a single parent talks about having their kids with them every day of the week, I might feel a pang of jealousy. I only see my children half-time. In nearly ten years of divorce, I’ve missed out on five years of their lives. It sucks, but I don’t dwell on it, and I don’t complain. I try to focus on the good in my life.
A more stinging comment hit, though, when it was suggested all the women take turns being my “girlfriend” until they get a cool vacation out of me.
WTF? Am I just a wallet?
Granted, the comment ended with “hahahaha”, so the gold digger reference was clearly a joke. And I well know not all women feel this way. (To be clear, I’m not calling out or picking on the commentator. It was a joke. What she wrote simply touched a nerve.)
The problem is – some women really do feel this way about men.
I subscribe to the notion that deep in our psyches, women nurture and men provide and protect. I don’t mean to disrespect men like me who take care of kids, or women like my mom and every woman I’ve dated who work and have careers. It’s just a Mars/Venus difference that, for whatever reason, seems to exist between the sexes.
As such, a lot of women are looking for a feeling of security from men they date, and they size men up as to how well they can provide. Some men play along in this game, showing off expensive cars, watches, clothes, and taking women to fancy or exotic places. Some older men date younger women (and vice versa) just for this purpose. This is all fine, I suppose, whether there’s wealth or not.
But when the relationship dance becomes only about money, it’s a problem. For one thing, what happens if the perceived wealth isn’t there or dries up?
I’d personally rather connect on a more grounded level than just how much money I make, and how much money a woman wants to spend. After all, there’s always someone who makes more, and someone who wants to spend more. Especially in Silicon Valley.
For me, it’s more important how well a woman and I connect on a mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual level. The fun vacations will come (camping is fun!), as will the providing and protecting. But let those things come on their own, don’t hunt them out, and don’t give nothing back.
In short, women should know that’s not a wallet in my pocket – I’m just glad to see you.
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- How to Marry a Millionaire
- Feminine Energy is a Very Good Thing
- French Women are Hot
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Comment by Jimmy
| July 15th, 2009
There was a $1 off coupon on Worcesteshire sauce that popped up over your blog. so I am onw step closer to being a rich guy now.
Comment by MommaSunshine
| July 15th, 2009
I think that plenty of people pursue relationships for the wrong reasons, and that money just happens to be one of them.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Open Letter to a Former Friend
Comment by QTMama
| July 15th, 2009
I guess it did touch a nerve with you DH! I’m really glad it wasn’t me that said it. ;)
On a serious note, ya know, giving the person the benefit of the doubt here … I’m sure it was a joke. One that sat sourly with you obviously. Perhaps these types of women are more prevalent in your neck of the woods, I never see that where I’m from. Hmm …
QTMama´s last blog ..Questions
Comment by staciesmadness
| July 15th, 2009
muahah, love the last line.
I get turned off by flashiness after a while, there has to be substance there…not just money
Comment by Kat Wilder
| July 15th, 2009
Women looking to get married and have kids generally are concerned about a man’s ability to make a living. Nothing wrong with that. It’s just one of the many factors in deciding who’s Mr. Right. If she wants a guy who makes mid-six figures, so what? Good luck yo her.
There will always be people who take one aspect of a person — beauty, wealth, T&A, weight etc. — and make that No. 1 on the list of “what I want,” just like there are many people who will flaunt those things to attract someone.
Ignore those types of people if you’re not into that, and move on with your life …
Comment by Kat Wilder
| July 15th, 2009
Ugh, that’s “to her” not “yo her.”
Coffee, please …!
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Mommy doesn’t live here anymore
Comment by Paula
| July 15th, 2009
I think it was me, haha! Asking you to write about hemroids and VD!
Bloggers are gettin’ to ya, wink, you betcha?
Men & money: First, I started dating my husband a month before I turned 16, so all of our money has always been our money, so no issue there.
Second, I have a sister with goo gobs of money and she doesn’t want a man mooching off her either.And there are plenty of men who would be glad to.
Third, you are quite snarky, so you should be ale to take some snark back.
I was being snarky. I don’t go one vaction because we bought a waterfront property so we could LIVE on vacation.
Exhale dude.
Paula´s last blog ..Mini Rants and Monkee Chairs
Comment by Danielle
| July 15th, 2009
In short, women should know that’s not a wallet in my pocket – I’m just glad to see you.
I love this statement! LMAO
I completely get your point and realize that you are not stereotyping all women. I know some women that do look soley(sp) for money. I also know a few men that, when I made good money took advantage of me. It is unfortunate that some PEOPLE are so shallow that they don’t need real emotion and connection when it comes to other people and money will do for happiness.
Danielle´s last blog ..Questioning the man’s thinking process.
Comment by Paula
| July 15th, 2009
Oh, and,
“In short, women should know that’s not a wallet in my pocket – I’m just glad to see you.”
Glad you cleared that up. I thought maybe it was a roll of quarters for the laundry mat.
Paula´s last blog ..Mini Rants and Monkee Chairs
Comment by ilinap
| July 15th, 2009
That last line takes the cake.
I look at things differently. From my dating days, if a guy was flashy, took me to expensive places, and drove around in a fancy car, it was a turn off. I figured he was compensating for something and was surely insecure. I’d rather earn my own money.
Comment by Ditz
| July 15th, 2009
I had not commented on your vacation posts, but was wistfully longing for that kind of vacation. It would be nice to meet someone that had to money to take me there. But you know what? I would not want to take a great vacation like that without my kids. Guess I better start saving my pennies!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 15th, 2009
Here’s the thing. There is definitely a very wide line between your lifestyle and the lifestyle of a number of your readers. You speak of trips to Fiji, Hawaii (x3?) and Machu Picchu as if these were common places for common people with children to visit. And I’m assuming these are just a sampling of the vacations you’ve taken in those twenty years. I know very, very few families who visit such a number of exotic places while raising children. People just don’t have that kind of money, let alone people who are single parents! Or perhaps they are just not making those kinds of choices. You tossed up some casual posts about very costly vacations and then were shocked to find that you left some of us with our mouths watering? Along with thinking you have a lot more money (or at some time had a lot more money) than the average bear. AND you seem to be a man who is willing to spend that money scoping out great experiences. These are both very attractive qualities.
So if women follow you around because you seem like a good provider (and a fun one to boot), don’t be too hard on them. A man like you don’t come along every day, babe. ;)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Hauling Ash
Comment by Mark
| July 15th, 2009
That was a great last line!! Love it!
Yes, some people do envy others because they feel they are missing out, what a shame that they do not see all the blessings they have already.
There are women and men who are users and who will discard a person when the wallet/purse is empty. These people are living lives of quiet desperation and I am sorry that they are so fixed on the external that they miss the true beauty of themselves and others.
Mark´s last blog ..Anxiety
Comment by Just Me...
| July 15th, 2009
If I said that money made no difference at all, I’d be lying.. But only because it is an indicator of the man’s sense of responsibility.. If he’s consistantly not making enough to cover his obligations, then, you don’t want to be involved with someone who isn’t behaving in an appro[riate manner.. If he’s just having a rough patch, that is an entirely different matter..
And while money should not be the thing that makes a relationship, it can be the thing that kills it..
Just Me…´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Baby!!
Comment by vinomom
| July 15th, 2009
If you are well enough off to take lovely vacations why should anyone be hating on you for it? Thats your good fortune.
Personally, I think the true definition of a vacation is one WITHOUT kids. Heh. But that’s just me.
My view on people that need to SHOW how much money they have are usually never really happy. I’d rather be comfortable (more comfortable than I am right now, even though I AM going to Aruba in a couple weeks) than have all the money in the world.
Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems, as they say.
vinomom´s last blog ..Back Up and Running
Comment by MindyMom
| July 15th, 2009
First, I know I made a comment about you being obnoxious (followed by a wink) with all the vacation posts but I was being sarcastic – not judging you.
I enjoyed reading about your trips and they all sounded fabulous so I think it’s great you were able to take them.
As for gold diggers? Yes, they do exist and I despise them – especially the ones who go after married men. I also think there are a lot of men who think they are the shiz because they have money and they are just as big a turn-off to me as the gold diggers are to you. Those types are a good match for each other as shallow people serving each others egos.
Personally I seek quality and substance and could care less what a guy makes. From my experience money did not buy happiness but instead helped ruin a marriage (due to an inflated ego and a gold digger no less).
MindyMom´s last blog ..Confessions of a Date-Stacker
Comment by krn
| July 15th, 2009
Very cute line, Dad’s! Loved it.
What a turn off when someone is primarily interested in superficial traits.
Like many here, I prefer time with my man over money and what that brings. In the past, I have not chosen well in this regard as my mates were better worker/providers than family men. It has been a disappointment that my son’s father is more interested in his career than spending time with our beautiful child. And yet, I knew his job was his first love when we met and married, so I’ve taken responsibility and owned the results of my choice. I haven’t given up hope that this may change, but it’s unlikely to.
Camping is a blast, whether it’s the regular ‘ole tent and car kind (our fave), the fancier yurt or cabin camping or even the eco tree resort type. It brings out the kid in the boy and me.
Your travel posts were fun to read. Dreaming of a time when I’m happily coupled and we jet off to a sumptuous, sexy, pampering place is healthy. Whether it’s on me, we go dutch or it’s his treat, it will be wonderful to have an adult vacation in an amazing place with a very special person again someday.
For those who cannot afford to visit these places or go camping, keep dreaming and working toward a future filled with more choices than you have currently. Those of us who have traveled probably have had times like you are going through. Good fortune is rarely a constant, but it can happen to anyone.
Comment by T
| July 15th, 2009
I love that last line. That’s greatness!
Connect for the reasons you stated. The gold-diggers will just fall by the way-side.
Everyone has their own reasons for seeking out partnership. There may just as easily be people out there who don’t want to connect for one of the reasons you listed.
To each their own.
T´s last blog ..A little ex vent
Comment by CJ
| July 15th, 2009
Hey David… I’d rather have your “glad to see you” than your wallet any day! Does that mean I’m a slut instead of a gold digger? Hahahahaha ROFLMAO hahahahaha
Ok, now that I’ve proven I can at times be completely deranged, I’ll get (slightly) more serious. It’s a fine line to walk between protecting yourself and becoming a little obsessed about it and veering into gold digger territory. Having been the “Sugar Momma” of sorts during my last marriage, I agree with the whole gold diggers suck mentality, BUT, if I ever become insane enough to try marriage again, I can guarandamntee you that he’s going to have to prove via checkbook, savings account, credit report and every other document known to man that he can take care of himself financially ‘cause “I ain’t yo’ momma!” Sugar or otherwise!
Unless of course, he becomes my slave in all things, in which case we might work something out ;P muahahahahaha
Comment by dadshouse
| July 15th, 2009
Kat – I have tried ignoring the money-obsessed women of Silicon Valley and moving on with my life, and guess what – I’m still single. It’s a real problem here. I’ve traveled to enough other parts of the US to know it’s not like that everywhere.
Teri – Dad’s House readers come from all walks of life. One reader right now has photos of Florence on her blog. Another recently shared travel pics from Amsterdam. Yes, I am well traveled. I’m also well educated and well read. I’ve never hidden any of those qualities. But I also don’t think a spa vacation is necessarily the best thing on earth. I’ve had some of the greatest times camping with my kids, or hanging out on my brother’s farm: http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/06/30/best-single-parent-family-vacations-ever/
Mark is right, there is beauty everywhere. Happiness comes from within.
Mindy, Paula, CJ – yes, I know you were ribbing me with winks and haha’s. But as they say in Italian: ogni gioca dura poco – se troppo dura, diventa scociaturra (I’m sure I mangled the spelling on that)
“Every joke should last a little while. If it lasts too long, it becomes bothersome.” The gold digger in Silicon Valley joke has gone on a bit too long for me. It has gotten very old.
Comment by Erica
| July 15th, 2009
I used to read your blog everyday at work until the IT guys found out and firewalled you. Our system crashed Monday and we’ve had free reign over the internet since then. Not sure how long it’ll last, and this has nothing to do with your post. :)
As for gold-diggers… I’m more interested in a guy’s sanity than his money. Seems the sane buggers are rare around these here parts…
Erica´s last blog ..NeverEatingAgain, MI
Comment by Laura
| July 15th, 2009
Honestly – I am hoping to get you to vacation in South Africa and then next time you can blog about your FANTASTIC time in Sunny SA – with me ;-p
I dont need rich! I dont need holidays! I need a man who sees me and who does the best he can for me and my kids!
Laura´s last blog ..Questions for the boys
Comment by Steph
| July 15th, 2009
Love your blog and agree that every joke should last just a short while.
Keep up the good work!! :)
Comment by The Exception
| July 15th, 2009
You now, Virginia can be an exotic vacation destination… hint, hint… and there are fewer women interested in money here!!
It is unfortunate when men and women see money as being so very important. Money comes and goes, but people and those experiences are priceless.
The Exception´s last blog ..Too Much To Ask?
Comment by Janet
| July 15th, 2009
I’m at the point in life where I do need to be with someone fiscally responsible; however, that’s quite a bit different from looking for someone who’s rich. I’ve never wanted an extravagant life. I’d much rather be happy than wealthy!
You should move to the Midwest! I think the women are a little more down-to-earth here. :)
Janet´s last blog ..This is what happens…
Comment by Me Thinks
| July 15th, 2009
The one time I watched 5 minutes of Oprah in the past decade, Dr. Phil was on and I picked up his saying “everyone has their currency”. In your area of the country, for women it is actual currency. But I’d make an argument (along Teri’s lines) that I’d be willing to wager men there are *extremely* superficial when it comes to women’s physical appearances, hence that is their prime “currency”. Equally repulsive, both of them, a result of living in a generally wealthy area.
My ex buried us in debt. I used to fantasize about breaking even at the end of the month instead of trips to Fiji. So you are fortunate to have those experiences. My only complaint with your posts (which were lovely really) was that you didn’t come across like you have experienced something that many people only can dream of (especially in this year).
In regards to gold digging, at this point in my life I’m more than capable of taking care of my family on my own but I would never consider dating someone seriously who is not financially responsible. Rich, no. But able to take care of themselves, yes.
Comment by dadshouse
| July 15th, 2009
Janet – great attitude! I have found women in the midwest, east coast, and other parts of California far more grounded and approachable than women in Silicon Valley.
Me Thinks – good point on your complaint. Perhaps I should have projected more of an air of gratitude. I am fortunate for the trips I’ve taken. Especially since many of those trips didn’t cost nearly as much as my readers imagine.
As for currency – I don’t think men here put a huge premium on a woman’s looks. That happens in LA, but not so much in the Bay Area. I have seen some execs cash in huge stock options, then leave their wife for a much younger woman. And I’ve also seen women leave their husbands when his stock option ship didn’t come in. But I don’t see men regularly trading in girlfriends or wives for someone better looking. Partly because the super beautiful women are in LA or NY, chasing entertainment careers. And partly because there are more single women than men here.
Comment by Lisa
| July 15th, 2009
Sorry that misunderstanding happened. I’ve never felt comfortable dating ultra rich guys who flaunt their wealth. Just not my thing.
I just hope that your readers don’t have the impression that people here in Silicon Valley, especially women, are gold diggers and not nice people. Remember, many people here are transplants :-)
Lisa´s last blog ..Guest Book (Vacation Rental)
Comment by Barry
| July 15th, 2009
Good post on a touchy topic. I do think most of the comments were made in good natured fun. But either way, your point is well taken and drives to the heart of the matter of what someone feels is important in a relationship.
Plus, after all it is your blog and your life, you can write about anything you want! While I haven’t been to the places you traveled and described, I still found it interesting to learn about them.
Barry´s last blog ..My Divorce Attorney Made Me Do it
Comment by Honey
| July 16th, 2009
I think the BF’s and my main goal with our discretionary income (someday when we have it) is travel. It’s awesome stuff!
Honey´s last blog ..Obama and Sarkozy Staring At Hot Chick’s Ass
Comment by alley
| July 17th, 2009
Yeah, once dated a guy who brought up his business’s value, his net worth, or the cars he owned every time we talked. I met him at his home for a date- he lived in crappy apartments set up next to a community college for student housing.
I can do without flash, but as a single mom who struggles with finances, I need anyone I bring into my life to not add to that burden, so yeah, the guy has to be employed.
Comment by M
| July 17th, 2009
I can’t even fathom that shit. I mean, yes, I would like to find a man that is gainfully employed but there is no way in hell I would date or marry someone for such shallow reasons.
That shit really doesn’t happen round here in the Boondocks, maybe that’s why I like it here so much.
Comment by notasoccermom
| July 17th, 2009
wow! this struck a nerve right back it seems with the amount of postings. I hope my response is not lost.
As you know from reading my blog, I seem to find fun in the most uncostly of vacations. this is because I must. and I am ok with that.
My mother used to say I could have fun in a parking lot.. and it is true. I see that in your posts also. I was not in the least bit offended with your trip descriptions. I wouldnt say I was envious but certainly wishing I could experience the same. Take that as a compliment. If I would have had more time (lately been busy with car problems.) I was going to post that you really should write for travel agencies as you sold me!
There are gold diggers there for the money
there are some who are just there for the sex.
common in my neck of the woods, some dated only for religious reasons…
all bad ideas.
I for one will continue to live through your words. hold nothing back
notasoccermom´s last blog ..Busy Summer
Comment by SweetPeaSurry
| July 18th, 2009
This is a terrific post. I think all women have in the back of their minds the proverbial ‘provision’ provided by men. (I’m an illiteration genius!)
I think on the flip-side (or at least I hope there are people out there like this) that women know and understand that their happiness is something they can attain themselves and don’t need to look towards a man’s wallet for the answer. I know I’m planning on working until retirement, and I have no problem with that whatsoever.
In addition, there’s no reason why some of those ‘jealous’ types can’t scrimp and save and have such lustrious vacations themselves. It’s likely they’ve just spent their hard earned income on something else that they’re not even considering.
Wow … I guess it hit a nerve in me too!
blessings!
SweetPeaSurry´s last blog ..My New Bunny
Comment by Divorced Lifestyle
| July 19th, 2009
Much like CJ, I became a sugar momma to my ex-husband. He quit a good job in order to take over the family business, moving us into his parents’ home in order to care for his ailing father, and because there was no way we could live on our own with just my income. I had no say in the matter, but it was my wages alone that had to pay the bills.
This lasted 8 years until I had enough and we divorced.
Any potential mate will have to be able to support himself. Period. I don’t think that makes me a gold digger – just practical.
Divorced Lifestyle´s last blog ..Want to make a 16 year old happy?
Comment by Brad Blackham
| August 27th, 2009
I am looking for a woman with a good steady and secure career who will be willing to provide for me. I will be the best stay-at-home parent imaginable! I’m really good at sex and I will do your laundry and cook ;) . I just need you to bring home the baccon. Yeah!! Maybe there will be a milk-lady or a paper-girl while you’re gone I can mess around with. And I can run up a bunch of debt and force you to pay it off; divorce you, force you to pay alimony and child-support payments, and negotiation a very large settlement from your other business assets. hehehe. you’re cute. WINK ;)
Comment by Brad Blackham
| August 27th, 2009
Since I live in Utah; the pressure from the Mormon culture will get you to marry… if I can only figure out how to get pregnant from you… Or whatever.
Comment by Sarah Timbers
| January 15th, 2010
Yeah, some women are like that. But they are not happy in such relationships because the only factor in relationships for them is money. So they end up with men who they have nothing in common with.
It’s nice to spend money on expensive clothes and bags, but at the end of the day is the relationship that counts. And if there’s nothing to it, then the person will naturally be unhappy.