Your Friend is Cuter
Anyone who has ever online dated has probably been there – you flirt and exchange emails with someone based solely on what was written in their profile. Maybe you’re feeling some metaphysical magic and are sure all systems are go. She finally sends a pic – some happy shot of her and her best friend smiling and having the best time.
There’s just one problem: her friend is cuter.
I know, I know – there’s more to dating than looks. Hopefully, you feel an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual connection. (Not all from online interactions – this stuff builds up in person, over time.)
But there’s no denying there has to be at least a bit of physical attraction.
This online flirting and then finally send a pic scenario happened to me recently. My first reaction was disappointment. I’m not going to start dating a woman if I don’t feel some amount of attraction, especially if her friend is cuter. (I know, the friend might be married or have a boyfriend. Doesn’t matter! It’s not going to work.)
My second reaction? I wondered if this woman would set me up with her friend. I could tell her I felt more chemistry with the other woman in the picture. This whole online dating thing was just an information exchange, after all.
The logical part of my brain thought it made perfect sense. I hadn’t even met the first woman yet. I was just some anonymous guy asking her to play matchmaker for her friend.
But the emotional part of me felt it was poor form. The woman I was flirting with was invested enough in the online exchange to send a pic. She’d get her feelings hurt.
Of course, I know the tables could be turned, and a woman who sees a photo of a buddy and me might think my buddy is more handsome.
That’s why I send pics of just me.
- Male and Female Dating Perspectives
- Relationship Dating 101: First Meeting
- Romantic Compatibility – On Paper
- Online Dating Expectations
- Hot, Sexy, Single – Law of Attraction
- Ex Girlfriend Inspiration on Facebook
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Comment by MommaSunshine
| July 27th, 2009
You know, if I sent a photo of me and my friend to a man that I started chatting with online, and he asked if I could set him up with my friend, you can bet your buns I’d be writing a nasty blog post about that “jerk I met online who asked me to set him up with my friend after he liked the way SHE looked better than me”.
Just sayin’. I’m all for honesty but I don’t think you’re going to win many women over with this one. ;)
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..A Smokin’ Dress and a Hot Date
Comment by Paula
| July 27th, 2009
We have a friend who is doing the online dating thing. When he showed us the picture he had up of himself, we were like, that’s you? I would never have known it -didn’t look at all like him. An accurate picture helps.
Maybe her friend just takes a better picture?
Asking her to set you up w/ BF? Yeah, I am guessing she wouldn’t be too happy about that.
Paula´s last blog ..Blue Eyes Smilin’ at Me
Comment by Just Me..
| July 27th, 2009
Not to rain on your ego parade..
But, you’ve emailed and chatted with this woman, you seem to have developed some kind of attraction to her (or else why are you still emailing and chatting?).. But based solely on one picture you’re willing to ditch her for her ‘cuter’ friend?
Um, baby.. I hate to be the one to say it..
That’s seriously shallow…
Now, if you’re on AFF or some similar website and just looking to get laid, that’s an entirely different situation. Don’t blow off the first one for the second, invite both!
Just Me.. ´s last blog ..This weekend…
Comment by QTMama
| July 27th, 2009
DA-VID!!
WTH. You know I love you to pieces but
O
M
G
Just Me is right. You sound so incredibly shallow right now I’m just wincing at you! DH, you’re looking at ONE picture. How do you know that she won’t become MORE attractive as you get to know her?
David David. Tsk Tsk.
QTMama´s last blog ..How Much Is Too Much?
Comment by MindyMom
| July 27th, 2009
I know you know you would get sh*t for this one. And you know the answer too.
That being said, I don’t even start communicating with someone online without a pic. Who has that kind of time to invest any amount of online volley if they could be completley unattractive? Sheesh, it’s hard enough finding someone to go on a second date with after the first meeting. (See my latest post)
And for the record, I don’t believe it’s shallow to want to be with someone you are attracted to. For me though attractiveness does have a lot to do with a person’s character and personality. An incredibly hot guy who is arrogant or dumb as a rock is not all that hot. Same is true for an average lookin guy; he can become so much more attractive if he has a great attitude, which is why I try to meet someone in person asap.
MindyMom´s last blog ..So Many Frogs…
Comment by Kevin M
| July 27th, 2009
Nope, I don’t believe it’s shallow at all. Usually the people that find the need for physical attraction are bitter because they aren’t physically attractive. Most logical people can admit that physical attraction is VERY important. Not the most important, but it needs to be there or you will just end up being friends.
Personally, I’d say go for it, but I would just start framing the communications with her as you think you and her could end up being really good friends. Don’t just immediately drop the “hook me up with your friend” line right after sending the picture. But after a few more communications maybe ask who the friend is, “she’s cute” etc. What do you have to lose? Nothing. Just try not to hurt her feelings, hence the waiting a bit and framing her as a cool friend…
Good luck.
Funny thing is I actually had some woman contact me out of the blue online just to ask if the friend in one of my photos was single! lol. Luckily she wasn’t attractive at all so I wasn’t offended, haha.
Comment by katherine.
| July 27th, 2009
note to self: find picture of me with my ugly friends to send out during online dating exchanges…
katherine.´s last blog ..I stand corrected….FaceBook is my Friend
Comment by CJ
| July 27th, 2009
Hmmmmm. Ok, let’s assume that you are out somplace and you start chatting with the woman next to you. You two chat for a while and you’ve progressed to the exchanging of numbers stage when in walks her “cuter” friend. How would you handle that situation in real life? ‘Cause the reality is online or “in person”, it’s all real life… That being said here’s your choices:
1) Walk away now before anybody gets hurt.
2) Meet woman 1 and see what the “real” chemistry feels like.
a)No chemistry on either part, but basis for a friendship means you’ve got a chance – down the road a bit – to find out more about the friend.
b)Chemistry for both of you? Forget the friend and if you can’t, walk away before somebody gets hurt.
c)Chemistry for one but not the other, walk away before somebody gets hurt.
Reality is, it’s a long shot hon! I don’t necessarily think you’re shallow for preferring the look of the friend. It happens, deal, move on… BUT if you push your agenda at the expense of her feelings, well, then you’re a jerk. ;)
CJ´s last blog ..I am such an air-head…
Comment by QTMama
| July 27th, 2009
Whoa! I think anyone, logical or physically UNattractive or not, can admit that chemistry – physical and otherwise, IS in fact important. It’s not shallow at all.
The shallow part here (Kevin M), in my opinion, is that David is making judgment off of ONE picture. One that he took a look at and decided, “No. But I’d date her friend.”
THAT is the point.
QTMama´s last blog ..The Weekend in Text Messages
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 27th, 2009
You are a very sick man.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Hauling Ash
Comment by Erica
| July 27th, 2009
Yikes. It’s times like these when I think I’ll never find anyone. Especially since all of my friends are prettier. I’m gonna go buy some cats…
Erica´s last blog ..Mama Moron
Comment by vinomom
| July 27th, 2009
Yeah, you don’t come off well in this post. So the friend is cute(r). She might be a total bitch, or boring or stupid. So say you actually got hooked up with her and it’s a total flop. You just wasted the opportunity to get to know Girl #1. Also, no self respecting friend would ever date someone her friend was talking to first.
vinomom´s last blog ..A Fake Weekend
Comment by dadshouse
| July 27th, 2009
Just Me – this is one reason I think online dating sucks. Yes, one picture does not tell the real story about someone. I’ve been told by countless women that my online photos make me look much older and less handsome than I appear in real life, and many women have decided not to meet me based solely on my photo. I also know that a bit of online email flirtation isn’t necessarily representative of who someone is. Chemistry is felt in person.
QTMama – oh, come on. I read single mom bloggers talk about how dreamy some guy looks, and how they swoon all over him. Like a repair guy showing up at your door… (wasn’t that you?) For some women, if a guy has big biceps and looks good in a repairman’s uniform, that’s all she needs to know to want to get to know him.
As for one pic – it’s a hazard of online dating. If she has a chance to send her best pic to me, and I don’t feel sparks, well then, I don’t feel sparks. Why waste anyone’s time?
Mindy – I agree. Looks matter to some extent. Not that I need a dream woman, but I do need to feel physically attracted to her. One of my buddy’s wives gave me a hard time over the looks thing, and I asked her point blank: were you attracted to your husband when you first started dating? She said “OMG! I thought he was the most handsome man on earth!” Once she remembered that, she has respected my desire to find a partner who I not only connect with intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, but who I also find attractive.
CJ – if I’m chatting in person with a woman, and want to swap numbers, then I want her number. Period. If her friend walks in and is cuter, I don’t suddenly change my mind and go for a second phone number. That’s poor form. I think a closer analogy is if that first woman has a bag over her head while we’re chatting (similar to not posting a photo). Can you even imagine that scenario? That’s what online dating without a photo is like.
Vinomom – the woman I’m emailing with might be a bitch. Who knows?
btw – this particular woman actually sent more than one photo. And I did not ask about her friend. I know that’s poor form.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 27th, 2009
Sorry. Didn’t mean to be so brief with my sarcastic slam. Obviously, I don’t really think you are sick, you silly goose.
The thing is, it doesn’t seem like you really weren’t at all attracted to this woman, but you were just more attracted to her friend. Hence the term “cuter,” which implies cuteness to girl #1 to some degree.
I have more to say, but no time now.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Hauling Ash
Comment by debra
| July 27th, 2009
Wait, so did Kevin M just give us the green light on contacting a guy to see if the good looking friend in his profile pictures is available?! I can’t be the only one who has had this thought, right? ; )
Comment by Honey
| July 27th, 2009
I don’t think this is shallow at all, either. In fact, I have an in person story that’s very similar – I started dating this guy…
and then I met his roommate.
Not only did I find his roommate more physically attractive, but he was also smarter and we had WAY more in common than the other guy who, while perfectly nice, was not similar to me AT ALL (I succumbed to a fetish for redheads – mistake).
The guy I was dating and I only lasted a couple of months (not long after I met roommate, in fact). Then a year later or so I happened to meet up with the other guy out somewhere, and we went out a couple of times – until the first guy found out about it. Then, though he said he was fine with it, he wasn’t – and guy #2 backed off out of respect. I was SO PISSED – I still think that guy #2 was marriage material.
Honey´s last blog ..Random Thoughts On A Pickup Convention
Comment by QTMama
| July 27th, 2009
Uhhh, I think it was more the talking after an hour that got me interested in him David. Oh and the fact that we hadn’t seen each other in 20 years. I went to grade school with him. His looks alone didn’t hook me. Sorry.
If you feel that way, then you feel that way. All I can say is that for me, I’ve often felt sparks based on conversation AFTER I’ve already decided I didn’t think we’d have chemistry. Sometimes, I am quite wrong.
However, I also know men are more visual creatures. You, are definitely one of these men. ;)
QTMama´s last blog ..The Weekend in Text Messages
Comment by me
| July 27th, 2009
wow..
Comment by Lumberjack
| July 27th, 2009
That is one of my pet peeves about online dating profiles. Women who have other women in all of their profile pictures! If you have one or two others with you by yourself that’s OK, but when your profile describes you as a blonde, and all your pictures are of three blonde women out together, it makes me think maybe you are trying to be deceptive intentionally. There are plenty of free cropping utilities out there…
Comment by Sandra
| July 27th, 2009
Oh wow, not all of us have been in that situation. It’s never happened to me.
But you do have a valid point. That’s why women or men should not be sending pictures of them and their friends. I usually keep my pictures of only myself when sending them to someone.
I don’t think you’re being shallow, as men are visual creatures and the penis wants what the penis wants. You gotta be attracted to who you’re going out with. Especially since you’ve never met the girl in person before.
But asking the girl about her friend or asking her to introduce her ? Yeah, totally poor form and I don’t honestly think there is anything logical about that. Total dating foul.
Sandra´s last blog ..Weekend Happenings……………….
Comment by Andrea
| July 27th, 2009
That a definite danger in sending a picture with anyone other than just you. Or at least make sure the other person is much less attractive!
I would not ask. Women can be a bit sensitive to that!
Andrea´s last blog ..Let’s do the Blog Hop!
Comment by Barry
| July 27th, 2009
Well, if you were looking to be in the hot seat. Success! Bottom line, Chemistry, sparks, attraction,whatever we name it, is real No use denying it. Anyone who does, is in make believe land.
Asking to check out her friend…you made the right move.
Barry´s last blog ..10 Simple Ways Single Parents Can Travel On A Budget
Comment by jason
| July 27th, 2009
maybe you should go for the plan that George & Jerry hatched in an old episode of Seinfeld…
The switch is a very tough move to pull off, almost impossible
Comment by Mark
| July 27th, 2009
If nothing else you have given a good on-line dating tip, send only a picture of yourself!
Mark´s last blog ..Hardships Along Our Journey
Comment by Trooper Thorn
| July 27th, 2009
Shockingly, men are shallow and visually based. We can completely separate the physical from the personal. That is why women draw a divide along the “Angelina vs. Jennifer” debate while men would sleep with either one (or both).
Trooper Thorn´s last blog ..How to Prevent Your Date From Leaving Early
Comment by Random Esquire
| July 27th, 2009
I suspect you may have been being slightly tongue-in-cheek with this entry, no?
Frankly, I think it is bad form to send a picture of anyone other than yourself to a stranger without that person’s permission – let’s hope she had her friend’s permission.
Well, either way, it sounds like you had the good sense not to inquire about her friend. Maybe the friend has man hands and you’ve just saved yourself. ;)
-R.
Comment by dadshouse
| July 27th, 2009
Random Esq – I was only tongue in cheek in-so-much as I knew well enough not to ask about the friend. Did the thought cross my mind that I “wanted” to inquire about the friend? Yes! Sounds like Debra has had similar thoughts when seeing guy pics.
Look, you are attracted to who you are attracted to. A friend invited me to a party in the hopes I’d meet and ask out one of two friends she had in mind for me. Instead, my gaze locked on a third woman who I introduced myself to and subsequently asked out. The friend throwing the party said she would have never guessed I’d go for that woman. Not only did I go for her, we dated for two years.
In my opinion, it’s better meeting in real life than online. And it’s better to chase who you feel like chasing.
Comment by Steph
| July 27th, 2009
I am new to on-line dating, but make it a point not to answer any e-mails from guys that don’t have a picture. Yes, I look at the picture because I want to know if they seem attractive to me. I also look at their profile to see about similar interests and give guys that might not be exactly my type the chance to chat to see what type of personality they have. It really is a combination of both physical and personality that makes a guy attractive.
I don’t like to do too much e-mailing because you know if there is chemistry within 10 minutes of meeting them in person.
Comment by Canadian Bald Guy
| July 27th, 2009
LOL…you certainly know how to get a conversation going, David. Wow.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog ..The pros and cons of life at the moment (pt 1)
Comment by T
| July 27th, 2009
Yeah, I’m with CBG on this one. I know you love to stir things up don’t you?
:)
Yeah, whattya gonna do? Looks, unfortunately, do matter.
Then again, some people look really good in pictures but in real life…. different story.
Have fun with that David!
T´s last blog ..Roses, signs, tooth tunes & some boom boom pow
Comment by alley
| July 27th, 2009
Hmm, interesting all around. Doesn’t leave much hope for us plain janes though, does it?
I will say that I think that some people just photograph poorly while others have that perfect tilt to the head memorized so they always take an awesome picture. I wouldn’t go JUST by the picture.
Comment by Jonsi
| July 27th, 2009
Semi-similar, but I got reamed by a girl online. Why? All I did was “favorite” her to come back to her profile later. I was new to the site, and by doing that she could SEE I checked her as a favorite. She sent ME an email, one of the best emails I’ve ever read, but then I figured it out: her CUTER friend was in every one of her photos, more prominently displayed. I favorited the tiny Asian girl, not the average blonde. Yes, I read the profile, but I skipped the basic information stating “blonde hair, white.” Since it was one of the best emails I’ve ever received, I didn’t want to ignore it. I was brutally honest with her, saying “I apologize, but I want to be honest with you. You sent me one of the most amazing emails I’ve ever received, and you sound like an awesome woman, but when I listed you as a favorite, I mistook you for your friend since she’s in every photo with you. I didn’t know how to respond to your message for this reason; I don’t think we are a match, but I really appreciate the time you took to write such a creative message to me, so I wanted to be honest with you. I wish you the best of luck.”
Maybe I did the wrong thing, but she reamed me out for it. I didn’t ask to be set up with her friend, but in her words “that is extremely rude and shallow of you to point out to me. Why’d you even write?”
So I think this is a no go, unfortunately, but this is why it pays off to have good, solo photos of yourself and to have the confidence to post them. Sure, if you are attractive you might be bombarded and have to filter, that is better than misconceptions.
Comment by jason
| July 27th, 2009
Jonsi,
I think you made a good effort, but i know from experience, it is better to say nothing and move on then be honest in that way. In your case, too much honesty was worse than just saying nothing. i am sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, believe me, i have been there
Comment by Nancy
| July 28th, 2009
I read your blog now and then, entertaining—sure. I have to say however, for all the commenting you do on who’s ‘cute enough’ or ‘hot enough’ and the dark-skinned, hot, beautiful woman you seem to be looking for beg this observation: looking at the photos of you on your blog, I’m not enamored in the least. If I were to go soley on how you look in your photos…I’d be saying “next please…”. Sorry to be so blunt.
Comment by dadshouse
| July 28th, 2009
Nancy – yep, I take crappy pics. Most were snapped by my kids. As for olive skinned women being “hot”, that’s how I feel. It’s what turns my head. It doesn’t mean I’m chasing after models. Most women I date are normal, healthy, smart, fit, and not necessarily beauty queens. But they are beautiful to me. Also, sometimes using the terms “cute” and “hot” simply makes for a better blog post.
Usually the women who date me think it’s “hot” that I have green eyes and am very well educated. They aren’t looking for a GQ model. I do think it’s fairly common for the woman to be the more attractive person in a couple. Some even say that’s a healthier combination. There are a lot of pretty women out there with average looking boyfriends.
Comment by debra
| July 28th, 2009
“there are a lot of pretty women out there with average looking boyfriends” Interesting observation, and not sure what to make of that being a healthier combination. Healthier how? Does it make a man less likely to be unfaithful if he feels his partner is more attractive than he is? I also wonder why you don’t seem to see a lot of very attractive men with just average looking girlfriends. Does this make women less shallow, or, perhaps more shallow, because their average looking boyfriends have lots of money instead? Food for thought.
Comment by Just Me..
| July 28th, 2009
Ah, then you have discovered the truth..
There is only one way to decide whether someone is really a person you want to spend time with.. It’s not through a picture.. It’s not through prose..
It’s the old-fashioned ‘meet & greet’…
Good luck with it all!! :):):)
Just Me..´s last blog .."I’ve been thinking…"
Comment by Sandra
| July 28th, 2009
Oh wow, I just had to come back to read the rest of the comments. You sure know how to spark up a debate, but I think that you like it.
I know what you mean when you talk about the women that you are attracted to. Nothing wrong with who you’re attracted to. But sometimes what you say and what you mean come off differently. Maybe you realize it, maybe you don’t.
Either way, good debates, good traffic to this blog. Keep it up.
Sandra´s last blog ..It looked better in the commercial
Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| July 28th, 2009
Bwahahaha. Yes, that would be poor form. Maybe it was an unflattering photo? However, if you aren’t attracted, there’s no need to go any further.
The other day, I was chatted up online by a seemingly nice fellow, and the picture he had on display made him look somewhat attractive. Then, I saw more pictures and it was one of those, “WHOA! No, thank you” type of reactions. Not good.
Attraction is important, man.
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Summer in the City
Comment by Laura
| July 29th, 2009
This happened to me once! I noticed the friend first! Long story short – I ended up going home with him even tho I had asked for the friends number!
Laura´s last blog ..Protected: 100 points on a compass
Comment by notasoccermom
| July 29th, 2009
I am again late to the game… and maybe for the better.
At my first glance of the title of your blog, it brought a lot of personal feelings to the surface.
I have always had blonde friends. very very pretty friends. And no matter if I am dressed to the nine’s and said friend is in ratty clothing… she will get the glances first. ALWAYS.
I am a great person. I am pretty just not AS pretty.
I personally would have been really offended. She however would not if it happened to her… because?
She can find another man attracted to her without even trying. No matter how shallow, rude, crude, stupid or insane a woman is, she will beat out the ‘not as pretty’ friend in any situation similar to yours.
I hate that!
notasoccermom´s last blog ..Small Town Entertainment
Comment by krn
| August 1st, 2009
I’m waaay late for the conversation here, but anyway~
I’d have no problem with you asking about my more attractive friend as it would tell me a lot about what’s important to you. That’s a time saver. And yes, you’re right, it is bad form to ask about your online match’s friend. Maybe she sent the photo on purpose? Woman are wise to those who fall for the ‘ole bait and switch, ya’ know! ;) ;)
Comment by proudtobeapoppa
| August 2nd, 2009
Dude, great article and very funny. I see from the comments that your female audience is not to thrilled about the post, but from a guy’s perspective, a very valid question.
It is probably poor form to go after the hot friend, and not worth getting a bad rep. Entertaining article nonetheless.
I’m trying to be an upcoming daddy blogger, so please sign up for my site. I’ll add yours to one that I’m following.
http://www.proudtobeapoppa.blogspot.com
proudtobeapoppa´s last blog ..New Bicycles equals Good Exercise!
Comment by Kirk Spangler
| August 2nd, 2009
David, as a single dad,in his early 50’s, who also co-parents equally, your blog is a true breath of fresh air. It’s also caused me to both laugh and think. Your style, wit, and tell-like-it-is approach is right on the money. Okay, well, my comment about this post is that attraction is something individual and unique that is either there or not there. Yes, internal beauty counts for a heck of a lot. But, if a woman or a man is not attracted physically to their cybersex pal after seeing their photo (or meeting them in person), it’s no sin. It’s jus “life.” Why we are “attracted” to certain people is complicated and is part of our individuality. It shouldn’t be judged — anymore than a guy should be allowed to manipulate a woman into sleeping with him even though she isn’t attracted to his looks — because he accuses her of otherwise being “superficial.” I guess the lesson for all on-line daters is to accurately describe oneself from the beginning and upload an accurate photo early on.
Kirk Spangler´s last blog ..Coming July 2009 — A Detective Crime Novel updated Tue Jul 21 2009 10:19 pm CDT
Comment by Rdawg
| August 3rd, 2009
I’ve seen more online dating photos where the woman posts a photo of herself with her bff and the bff is so much more attractive.