Teen Daughter – Curfew, Shmurfew
My teenage daughter has her driver’s license, her own (used) truck, her own cell phone, and her own set of friends. In other words, I’m starting to not see her much lately. She’ll take off on a weekend afternoon to hang out, or engage in Nerf-gun wars. She’ll take off on a weeknight to study with friends.
I’m suddenly having to set and enforce curfews.
She’s nearly an adult, and she’ll be heading to college in a year, so I’m trying to give her as much curfew freedom as possible. With freedom comes responsibility, right? And what better time to learn responsibility than when you’re living at home with a parent to guide you.
On a recent Saturday night when my daughter was out with friends, she texted me an hour before her midnight curfew: can I stay till 1?
I texted back: where r u?
She texted that they were at a friend’s house, watching the Sound of Music on DVD.
A one hour extension seemed perfectly reasonable to me, especially since she’d given me decent warning. I asked who else was there. She told me – a mix of boys and girls, and the girl’s parents were home. I said fine, be home by 1am.
At 12:30am, she texted again: can I stay till 2?
WTF? When she texted the first time, she would have known what time the movie would end. I was guessing they were moving on to some other entertainment – Wii, or cards, or Craig Ferguson on TV.
I figured this was a teaching moment. Since she wasn’t giving me any compelling reason to push her curfew to 2am, I decided she could live with her first request.
I texted back: no.
Five minutes later my phone rang. (My daughter never calls me. She only texts)
“Hi, Mr. Mott,” a girls’ voice said. “This is your daughter’s friend Maxine.” (Name changed to protect the innocent.) “Can your daughter sleepover tonight?”
Huh? This was way beyond watching a DVD, or playing Wii. I mean, sleepovers are fun and all, and I’m fine with my daughter sleeping over at a girl’s house. But for me to be asked by my daughter’s friend? In the middle of the night? When I’d already been told there were boys?
“No,” I said. “Tell her to be home by one.”
“It’s just girls sleeping here,” the friend said.
“That’s great. One o’clock.”
Sometimes a dad has to be firm with his daughter.
Especially when he’s usually a pushover.
- A Dad Watches His Daughter
- Father and Daughter at the Gas Pump
- Father and Teenage Daughter – What a Dad Needs to Know
- Where Are My Teen Kids?
- A Dad and His Teen Daughter Go For a Run
- Parenting is a Contact Sport
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Comment by Paula
| August 7th, 2009
Oh, Dave, I am sorry, but a bunch of guys and girls, age what, 16-20, watching the Sound of Music on DVD? I really, truly don’t think so. And the friend call? Red flag waving wildly, I hope you checked her breath.
Paula´s last blog ..Harvest
Comment by Betsy
| August 7th, 2009
Don’t you just love how teenage girls think they can bargain their way into more time? And that they have their friends call instead of calling themselves? Like you can’t say NO to their friends! LOL
Comment by justrun
| August 7th, 2009
Good for you. That was definitely a give and inch, take a mile situation waiting to happen.
Also, The Sound of Music? Was this for school or something?
:)
justrun´s last blog ..I hit no one in the head, accidentally or on purpose
Comment by Just Me...
| August 7th, 2009
Yeah, dad, I hate to run with the pack but you got played with the ‘Sound of Music’ scam… However, since she obviously got home by 1am intact, it wasn’t as awful of a thing as it could have been!! :)
Just Me…´s last blog ..Stolen Post
Comment by QTMama
| August 7th, 2009
The Sound of Music? HAHAHAHA That cracked me up. I am not going to accuse your daughter of telling a fib, but I am giggling at the thought of a bunch of teens sitting around watching that instead of Scream or something.
I would have told her to come home too, DH. For sure.
QTMama´s last blog ..Mean Girls, and My Ex Husband’s Ball(s)
Comment by loriann
| August 7th, 2009
David,
This post brought back memories.
When my daughter was living at home we would negotiate a time for her to be home. If she pushed for later, the negotiated time would be shortened in half hour increments. Therefore the 2 a.m. request would have been met with 12:30 ~ and a call from a friend…would be “Tell her to get her a** home, NOW!” Stay firm and good luck!
Comment by CJ
| August 7th, 2009
Well, I must say that if my 16 year old niece called to tell me she was watching the Sound of Music, I’d have to believe her. She (and several of her friends) get a real kick out of the oldies. She comes over all the time to watch old movies like that, especially the musical ones. Go figure…
However, the getting a friend to call for her is, as Paula said, a BIG red flag! But you knew that already didn’t you? ;)
Loriann – I use that same rule with my kids now. We agree that they will each get X amount of items at the store and if they start begging for more, I start putting stuff back!
CJ´s last blog ..Quick check in
Comment by CBG2
| August 7th, 2009
You missed the geeky location confirmation trick I use for my teenagers, have them confirm their location by phoning from the home’s land line. This gives you the home phone # by caller-id which you can either recognize by name or reverse lookup to confirm.
Comment by katherine.
| August 7th, 2009
wellllll….I had the house where everyone hung out in. And they did watch hokey VHS musicals. My dad’s girlfriend had given us the entire Rogers and Hammerstein collection. I think their favorite was “My Fair Lady” They also watched R rated movies…and played Nintendo to all hours. And ate an obscene amount of food.
more than once when a spontaneous sleepover happened and a reluctant parent was on the phone…I am sure my daughter got on the line to help convince that all was on the up and up. I seem to remember being recruited once or twice myself.
But as a parent…even if you totally trust everyone involved…and even if there are no red flags…when you want your kids home…they should come home. No matter what.
At least you have cell phones…that is a blessing for sure.
katherine.´s last blog ..I stand corrected….FaceBook is my Friend
Comment by MindyMom
| August 7th, 2009
Way to stand your ground!
I’ve had a standing rule with my kids; (which mostly developed for my own convenience when LO was a baby) once they walk out the door for the evening their plans are set in stone. A curfew cannot then turn into a sleepover and it is not extended.
As my daughter, who is now 18 and leaving for college in a week (yikes!)got older I got more leinient with her but now the next in line, who is almost 15, is learning the rules. For some reason it is VERY commom for teen girls to change their plans about 12 times before it’s set. I agree to the first one and then they get all upset and say, “but you said I could…” even when the new plan is something completley different.
MindyMom´s last blog ..Choices & Responsibility
Comment by Honey
| August 7th, 2009
I hope she’s okay! I would’ve said no, too.
I would have never been allowed to even go to something like that when I was in high school. My rules were: nothing that wasn’t a school-supervised function, no riding in a car that a parent wasn’t driving, 30 minutes on the phone per day, and I wasn’t allowed to drive until I was 19.
Honey´s last blog ..Seducing A Sagittarius Is A Big Pain In My Ass
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 7th, 2009
Yep. You did good, dad.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Angels Can Fly…
Comment by Sandra
| August 7th, 2009
Hahaha, she said she was watching Sound of Music and you believed that ???
Hey, your house, your rules. If she doesn’t like them, she can pony up for rent and get her own place. Thats what I was told growing up, and I did just that at 18.
Good for you for standing your ground, though, many parents these days give in.
Sandra´s last blog ..Hippy Love Dude By Ocean In Line to Fu** You………..
Comment by dadshouse
| August 7th, 2009
My daughter is a huge Julie Andrews fan, and she hates scary movies, so I did believe her. That said, did all her friends want to watch Sound of Music? Haha. I agree that sounds far-fetched. But, they are all old enough to watch R movies, so it sort of doesn’t matter.
If it was me and my friends, we would have been watching Wizard of Oz with the sound off, and listening to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. (You all know that trick, right?)
CBG2 – great tip!
Comment by krn
| August 7th, 2009
I think they might have been watching the other Sound of Music. You all do know that one, right?
;)
I love that her friend tried to negotiate a later time for her. But, I wouldn’t have budged on that either since you already gave her one extension. Way to go!
Comment by Paula
| August 7th, 2009
LOL, good comments today. The last time a friend called my mom about a sleepover I was puking in her bathroom. Sure hope that’s wasn’t the case (I was pretty naughty, thus my suspicion) :-)
Paula´s last blog ..cats, bats, automobiles & other going ons
Comment by Mark
| August 7th, 2009
You made the right move. There is protocol to all this after all and the cool thing is you get to set the protocol.
Mark´s last blog ..“Love Means Never Having To Say You Are Sorry”
Comment by The Exception
| August 7th, 2009
Big pat on the back!! Great job… Glad I am learning these tips from the masters before it is my turn! ;)
The Exception´s last blog ..Happy
Comment by Patrice
| August 7th, 2009
I think, you made the right decision by imposing a firm decision that your daughter should be home at 1am, no extensions allowed.
Patrice´s last blog ..Importance of Sleep During Childhood
Comment by Laura
| August 8th, 2009
Neither my brother nor I ever had a curfew! We had one rule – my mom had to know where we were. We told her and always respected the unspoken rule to be home at a reasonable hour.
It was the age before cell phones so they didnt have the luxury of checking up – it was based on pure trust
Comment by Eathan
| August 8th, 2009
I remember when I had a curfew. At least she text you. And at least you stood your ground.
I have a solid rule.. If the friend has to call to ask me anything that’s an automatic revocation of the extension. Which means they would have to come home immediately. That usually stops the community from working their magic on me.
Good post.
Eathan´s last blog ..5 Creative Places To Meet White Women
Comment by notasoccermom
| August 8th, 2009
I am living this exact thing with my baby right now.
My son would stay out late but I always knew where he was… with all guys usually playing night football or video games.
My second, a daughter, came home always on time, rarely asked for extensions and never gave a lick of trouble.
But the baby has tried it all…
we spoke of dangers and lies and how if something ever happened and I were to take a laxidazical approach that she wishes I would, that she could be kidnapped and taken clean to Mexico before I worried….now she is starting to ‘get it!’
Good job and good luck!
Dads seem to have more pull me thinks
notasoccermom´s last blog ..Facelift
Comment by jaime
| August 9th, 2009
Well the Sound of Music *is* a really long movie.
jaime´s last blog ..The Ache in my Ovaries.
Comment by ilinap
| August 9th, 2009
You don’t need me to tell you you did the right thing. And test her on the Sound of Music soundtrack. I’m pretty sure I lied about watching that movie at a friend’s house too when I was 17.
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| August 9th, 2009
Couldn’t help but chuckle. Boys are a little different. And not.
Maybe what’s different is that my house is the one where all the kids crash for the night… they’re required to call home first. It has been a long, hot summer – of stepping over sleeping bags on my living room floor…
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..When it comes to Internet discounts, caveat emptor
Comment by The Lapsed Muse
| August 9th, 2009
Trust is a big deal. We didn’t have curfews set in stone with our older kids – it was more likely based on the event. Fortunately there were rarely any requests for extensions so we didn’t have too much trouble. But by the last half of the senior year of high school we were a bit more generous since we knew that once they were away at college it would be out of our hands. We needed the half year of “hands off” to see how they would handle being on their own.
Our kids know beyond doubt that we trust them. But if they took advantage of that trust, the reins were pulled in far more sharply than they’d like – and their response was amazingly correct. Both their Dad and I are far more savvy in the ways of teenage sneakiness than we would ever admit to them. Between the two of us, there isn’t much that we didn’t try to get past our parents. ;-)
I don’t know your daughter or her friends, so I can’t say if the SOM would be a red flag (my kids and their friends have surprised me at times with old movies they love), but the friend calling would definitely sound the alarms. You did good.
The Lapsed Muse´s last blog ..Something smells bad in the refrigerator…
Comment by Sandy
| August 10th, 2009
You did the right thing. The friend calling to ask rather than your daughter would have been a red flag for me. She knew what your answer was going to be.
Sandy´s last blog ..Takin’ Care of Business
Comment by T
| August 13th, 2009
Boundaries baby! You did good! Especially when I know you’re a pushover with your daughter. :)
Great post!
T´s last blog ..It is what it is
Comment by Tishia Lee
| August 17th, 2009
Great job on sticking to your guns and not giving in!
Tishia Lee´s last blog ..This is a Bittersweet Post