Happy Birthday EX – Post Divorce
I recently celebrated a birthday, and due to pre-scheduled activities involving our kids, my ex and I were in the same place for much of the day, then together even longer despite my desire for birthday time alone with my kids. The experience reminded me that things aren’t always normal after divorce, especially if you and your ex coparent together and constantly cross paths.
Which got me wondering – what is a healthy way for ex spouses to treat each other’s birthdays?
- “Happy Birthday” greeting – it seems to me if you were married for any length of time, your ex should be able to remember the date of your birthday. It’s kind of awkward if, halfway through the day, your ex overhears your kids mention your birthday, then your ex says: oh, is today your birthday? Huh. It didn’t even cross my mind. Happy birthday. Is it too much to ask for an unprompted “happy birthday”?
- Help the kids get a card or gift – my kids are teens, old enough to make or get me a card or gift without their mom helping them. But for younger kids, shouldn’t the divorced coparent encourage the kids to celebrate the other parent’s birthday? You may not want to be married to your ex, but you might be coparenting your children together. You can choose to teach your kids to treat both parents with love, kindness and respect.
- Give the other parent time with (or without) the kids – sometimes parents want to spend their birthday with their kids. Other times they might want a day or night off to go out with friends. Either way, I doubt the birthday parent wants the ex tagging along and joining in on the celebration. It can be more than a little awkward for the birthday parent, as well as for the kids. (And yes, stuff like this does happen.)
I know some divorced parents can’t imagine sending positive thought to their ex. But for others, I think it can be healthy to at least be courteous on a birthday. Disrespecting a coparent in front of the kids is never good.
This doesn’t mean you have to throw a party, or spend money on a gift. Just remember that what you do in front of your kids sends them a strong message. Kids see a lot, and they take note. Do you want to teach your kids to treat others poorly? Do you want them to disrespect their own friends? Granted, you and your ex might not be in a friendship. But kids act out behaviors learned from their parents.
Finally, if your child asks “did you find that a little awkward?” when your ex does something disrespectful or creates an awkward situation, by all means, don’t cover for your ex. Those days are done. In my opinion, it’s quite all right to answer your child’s question with a truthful “yes”, and leave it at that.
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Comment by MommaSunshine
| August 12th, 2009
My ex and I just recently dealt with birthdays since our separation. It was awkward. His effort for mine was pretty minimal, done for the sake of the kids. For his, I helped the girls make cards (they’re only 4 and 6) and make sure that I picked up a small gift for him from them. I also gave him the night of from his regular parenting duties.
It’s hard, but I think that small gestures on your ex-partner’s birthday can go a long way in terms of securing a positive co-parenting relationship for the sake of the children.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Positivity, Please
Comment by The Exception
| August 12th, 2009
All good points. I am left with a question though – what happens when the X’s spouse is completely against recognition by the adults of one another’s birthdays? What does that show the children?
The Exception´s last blog ..Quick Change – Slice of Life
Comment by Bond Girl
| August 12th, 2009
i think its important to be nice for the kids sake. My ex and I try hard and the benefits are clear.
Comment by Who Me?
| August 12th, 2009
I totally agree with you and want to add in one more… Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. You had a child together with your ex. You should encourage your child to say ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ or encourage them to do something special for their father on Father’s Day.
My ex ignores any and all occasions. And the first was Mother’s Day. He couldn’t even bring himself to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. I took out daughter out and bought a card because it was the right thing to do. But after his ignoring me enough, I stopped.
Who Me?´s last blog ..Up, Up, and Away in My Beautiful Balloon
Comment by Paula
| August 12th, 2009
Though I don’t have to deal with this myself, my parents were divorced and made this a good experience -not with one another on b-days (as we were adults when they got divorced) but with us. If I had a Bday party for one of my kids or a holiday meal, both parents would often show up (dad w/ his girlfriend, mom w/ new husband) and all 4 would be cordial & friendly. That just makes the world an easier place for all involved.
On another note, I have plenty of married female friends whose husbands are too lazy to take the kids out and assure the wife has a birthday or Mothers Day gift and card.
Married or not, being disrespectful in such instances is just lazy & rude.
Paula´s last blog ..cats, bats, automobiles & other going ons
Comment by vinomom
| August 12th, 2009
Luckily I’m close with my ex’s family so they remind me when the ex’s bday was. We were only together a year and a half so don’t shoot me for forgetting. Last year I called him four days early, because I got the month right, but mixed up the day with my current boyfriends. (It sounded right).
I always make sure Lady H gets a card for Father’s Day. I don’t think ex has ever done that (maybe once or twice?) but my gfriends always make sure Lady H remembers to tell me Happy Mothers Day at least.
Actually this year The Ex kept Lady H for all of Mother’s Day, and I thought that was a great present! I got to relax!
vinomom´s last blog ..The Pictures
Comment by krn
| August 12th, 2009
Oy, that is awkward, Dad’s. Hope you were able to celebrate and enjoy your special day, anyhow. *hug*
Since I have full custody and my ex lives Far, Far Away (he’s neither a prince nor an ogre), I help our son put something together ahead of time for his birthday to send. On his actual birthday, our son calls and leaves a Happy Birthday voice mail and if the time difference allows for a conversation during our waking hours, they enjoy a follow up call.
The first year after we parted ways, I got very nice gifts for both Christmas and my birthday from my ex. Since I was aware that he often tries to buy forgiveness, I sent a thank you to let him know kindly that while I appreciated the thought and liked the items, what I’d really like from him was an apology. As expected, no more gifts came after that.
I’m still waiting on the apology (not to worry I’m not holding my breath). I’ve noticed that he’s getting more and more skilled at talking his way, rather circuitously, all around it without saying the words. He seems to be narrowing in on it, closer and closer. I’m thinking a day will come when he’ll surprise himself and land smack on top of it. LOL! The weird thing is, I know that he’s sorry and have already forgiven him, but I want to see the look on his face when he finally gets the courage to say the words.
It’s become a bit of a joke and a betting matter in my family.(Everything is “fair game” in our brood.) Some of my relatives are going to be paying up when the apology comes, if it ever does. My plan is to use the cash to take us all out to dinner. At the rate it’s going, I’m afraid some of the betting parties might pass away before the apology ever happens, though. ;)
Comment by MindyMom
| August 12th, 2009
My ex only acknowledges special days by doing something to ruin them. Seriously, the guy seems to love coming up with crap to spoil birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, etc. cuz God forbid there be a day that wasn’t all about him.
We each always have our kids on our birthdays so can choose to celebrate however we like. I leave it to the kids to make or buy him something but don’t get invovled.
On another note, I find it interesting that my ex takes Wifey out for Mother’s Day – they have no children together. Oh and he forces my kids to acknowledge her on that day.
MindyMom´s last blog ..Online Dating is Like Shopping at Walmart
Comment by QTMama
| August 12th, 2009
My ex-hubby and I get each other gifts for the bday, but from our child. I usually have Emilee get him movie tickets for he and her, or a mug with her picture on it. And he does the same thing for me.
Now, on HER birthday, every year, he, I and her go out to dinner. No new wife, no new family. Just the three of us. She loves it. :) And the fact that he and I are friends certainly helps, of course!
QTMama´s last blog ..Thoughts and Fears and Stuff
Comment by The Lapsed Muse
| August 12th, 2009
This is an interesting topic, I think. My ex and I have been separated for less than a year so are still working out our roles, amicably even. My birthday was 2 days ago and our (adult) son’s was yesterday and we tend to celebrate both birthdays together. So, we went out as a family and my ex even bought me a small present. We were married for a long enough time that we had developed certain traditions, and in some ways, I think its good for the kids to continue some of those traditions.
On the other hand, at some point one or both of us might end up in another relationship. I’m not sure what will happen then. We are simply learning our way through this.
And happy belated birthday!
The Lapsed Muse´s last blog ..Refrigerator update and a couple of short stories on faith in humanity
Comment by Laura
| August 12th, 2009
I used to make the effort but then he refused to see the kids or answer the phone so we stopped!
Laura´s last blog ..Lessons Learnt
Comment by jason
| August 12th, 2009
dad,
happy birthday! you rule!
great topic again!
my ex’s birthday is tomorrow.
enough said!
have a good one all!
Comment by eathan
| August 12th, 2009
Happy Birthday!
Birthdays are extensions of any other holiday. I usually have 3-4 birthday parties a year. I have one with my kids.. one with close friends.. an open invitation party.. AND then I have the can’t remember my name party. This usually satisfies everyone in my life and lets them celebrate with me.
Saying Happy Birthday isn’t that hard.. we do it to stangers, why not the ex.
eathan´s last blog ..Biracial Hair Issues
Comment by Sandra
| August 12th, 2009
Your children are lucky that you and your ex remain civil and can co parent together. You have handled the situation well.
My parents on the other hand are like two cats in water. A lot of claws and hissing involved, and I am so glad I am grown up and don’t have to deal with their divorce issues anymore.
It was my father that acted rationally in the matter.
Oh hey, knowing you’re a leo, Happy belated bday !
Sandra´s last blog ..Are you anally blind ?
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| August 12th, 2009
You are fortunate. That isn’t to say that it’s easy, but it takes two parents with a common goal to pull off required shared time – and the goal is what’s right (and most comfortable) for the kids.
I’m afraid my experience is a bit closer to that of MindyMom than the other examples of mature co-parenting cited here.
And it’s much more than birthday or holiday issues; there are graduations, key “wins” for our children that they would like to share with both parents, and sometimes, just simple communications that can either be facilitated or (cruelly) disrupted – by commission or ommission. And I know of situations where this happens to the dads at the hands of the moms as well.
Screwed up priorities aren’t gender-specific.
Here’s to your birthday – and many more – civil, as well as happy and healthy!
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Good News Extravaganza (Bad News Moratorium)
Comment by The Exception
| August 12th, 2009
I lvoe hearing about X spouses that can sit together and eat together and do things together… it does mean so much to the kids.
The Exception´s last blog ..Defining Moments
Comment by Barry
| August 12th, 2009
Key word you used is respect. Have some class, show some respect, your kids will watch and learn. You don’t have to gush or make a special call, but if you bump into one in other, or on the phone with the kids, then be cordial. Later you can run to the bathroom and stick your finger down your throat in private if you feel the need.;)
Barry´s last blog ..Persistence — The Only Thing That Works
Comment by Trooper Thorn
| August 12th, 2009
I have tried to maintain a “Happy Whatever Day” for my ex’s events and encouraged the kids to do stuff for her. She has made every effort to ignore my corresponding events. I never really cared for birthdays etc. anyway so it’s no big deal, but I still think it’s rude.
You should be able to keep the same manners for an ex you would have for strangers at least.
Trooper Thorn´s last blog ..Get Rich With Microsoft!
Comment by Just Me...
| August 12th, 2009
Mine’s not an ex yet and he’s never done anything for my birthday.. Okay, not never.. Just never since we’ve been married.. No anniversaries, no Valentine’s Day, no birthdays, no Christmas.. No nothing..
And he wonders why he’s gonna be an ‘ex’..
On the other hand, I’ve always made sure dear daughter does father’s day, birthday, etc. for him..
Oh, well.. I tell myself I’m being the ‘bigger’ person.. But mostly I just feel used again…
Just Me…´s last blog ..I’m Ba-ack!!
Comment by katherine.
| August 12th, 2009
we have been pretty good at helping our kids remember special days and give accordingly….although once my ex was remarried some of that changed.
The first years are strange and awkward and there are lots of reasons that make things difficult…but truly the dust settles after a while…and trust me, your kids will remember who acted appropriately and who didn’t.
katherine.´s last blog ..survival of the fittest
Comment by cyndi
| August 12th, 2009
My X has his family here who can work with the N-Man to celebrate so I don’t see it as my responsibility to take him to get something or make something for his dad. If he asks as he gets old, I definately will but there are other, more appropriate people who can do it. Same thing with the tables turned. X has never acknowledged my birthday or sent a card from the N-Man for me and I don’t expect him to. My friends and family more than have that covered
cyndi´s last blog ..A lesson to be learned
Comment by T
| August 13th, 2009
Completely agree! Especially when you are still friendly to each other. My ex surprises me sometimes. For Mother’s Day this year, he gave me a book that I’d mentioned to him a few weeks earlier. I was blown away that a simple mention was actually heard!
I do try to help my girls pick out gifts or cards for him for his birthday and he does the same. I think it’s a healthy thing to do.
T´s last blog ..It is what it is
Comment by hipm0m77
| August 15th, 2009
Just like with Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, we have agreed that our son will spend the day with each of us on our birthdays. My ex and I simply wish each other a Happy Birthday although my ex tends to give me presents “from our son” even though he’s only 5. It kind of creeps me out when that happens. The first Valentine’s Day after our separation (less than a year after he left), I received a Vermont Teddy Bear from our son who was 2 at the time.
hipm0m77´s last blog ..Absinthe-Minded Friday
Comment by Sandy
| August 15th, 2009
I have NO patience with ex-spouses who can’t be civil, even a little nice, to each other when they coparent. DO IT FOR THE KIDS! And you’re right, making believe you don’t remember your ex’s birthday is BS.
Sandy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday…plus one
Comment by saint nobody
| August 17th, 2009
happy belated birthday–i knew you were a leo. (i am way behind on blogs)
saint nobody´s last blog ..