When Hanging Out is Better Than Dating
You meet somebody new. You enjoy a coffee date or martini together. You’d like to see them again, but you don’t quite feel the spark, the chemistry, the je ne sais quois – it’s not quite there to ratchet things up another notch and date.
Whatever happened to just hanging out?
I recently met a woman who struck me this way. We’re both single parents of teens, so we have a bit in common. The few times we’ve gotten together, we’ve had fun. I’m pretty sure we could be good friends. But, for a variety of reasons, it just doesn’t seem like we’re destined to be a couple.
Oh, sure – it’s possible we simply haven’t spent enough time together yet to make that determination. We need to let down our guards and see what the other person is really like. People can grow on each other over time. The problem is, we don’t have mutual friends (we met in a restaurant bar), so we have no built-in reasons to just get together and hang out.
Every time I call her, the pretext is dating. Why keep wining and dining if my gut says it’s not going to last?
Remember back in college, you’d meet someone new in your dorm and start hanging out together? Or now, at work, you and a colleague might grab an informal lunch. Male/female relations don’t always have to have an undertone of getting it on. Women and men can be friends and just hang out.
As a divorced man, I know I need more feminine energy in my life. And female companionship doesn’t have to come in the form of a lover. I already have some good friends who are women, some of them married, some single. But there’s always room for more. Hanging out is healthy.
The bottom line – I don’t yet know this particular woman well enough to invite her over to my house to just hang out. And yet, that’s exactly what I’d love to do. For me to suggest that I cook dinner for her, or that we watch a DVD together, seems far too intimate. The initial steps of getting to know her involved flirting with an intent to date, and now I’m finding it hard to say “hey, let’s just be friends.”
Easier to just drift apart, I suppose, and chase someone else.
- Feminine Energy is a Very Good Thing
- Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
- Romantic Compatibility – On Paper
- Kid-Friendly Companionship With Benefits
- Single Parent Movie Date
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Comment by BigLittleWolf
| August 31st, 2009
Well – this is a nice change. One of the reasons I’ve been in the internet (so-called) dating world off and on has been for exactly the reason you cite: to meet cool people I would like to hang with. Ideally, some would be for romantic pursuits, but also, as friends. I love male energy in my life. (And teen boys don’t count!)
Sometimes you meet someone online (or elsewhere) who you genuinely want to have as a friend, but he (or she) is on a mission (the thing about “the one”).
Unless she’s already hot for you, she may be amenable to the idea of having you as a friend. A real one. And you know how to “position” that proposal in a positive light (not like a letting-her-down-easy line), so why not?
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Mad Men, Baudelaire, and the Beatles
Comment by shayne
| August 31st, 2009
I find it interesting you saying ‘easier to drift apart, and chase someone else’.
we all need friends. male & female. so just because this woman is not potential lover material, why continue to see her? whilst i hear what you’re saying, perhaps if you continued to ‘hang out’ you’ll get to know her well enough in order to feel comfortable cooking for her. even as just friends. and then that may lead to more.
just because there is not a massive spark flying between the two of you right now doesn’t mean it may not still happen.
“Too often we are so preoccupied with the destination, we forget the journey.”
shayne´s last blog ..Small joys
Comment by Me Thinks
| August 31st, 2009
I don’t understand why you can’t just invite her over for dinner (skip movie) and just hang out for a few hours. See where it goes. No chemistry? Let her know you’d like to be friends. If there is some potential chemistry, just take it slow (kiss goodnight).
I got the same thing going on now, I’m giving it a little time to see where it goes (but bummer, no 3rd date sex is imminent!)
Comment by CJ
| August 31st, 2009
First off, love Shayne’s quote!!! Second, not knowing the woman, it’s not like we can give advice for your specific situation, however, in general…I say go for it. I have always loved having guys to hang out with. The most influential and important friends I’ve had have been men. The people I find myself missing the most over the years have been the guys. There is most definitely a different energy in those opposite sex friendships. I hope you two can work it out. It would be a shame to lose what could be a great friendship because the “dating” got in the way ;)
CJ´s last blog ..What do I want?
Comment by debra
| August 31st, 2009
One of the most valuable relationships I’ve developed post divorce is with a guy I met online, dated a couple times, then started running with. Just about the time I was ready to give up because there just was no spark, his ex girlfriend came back into the picture. I was so relieved when he said they were back together, but that it really meant a lot to him to be able to keep running together. More than a year later, we’re still running partners, and better yet, really good friends. The ex girlfriend….now his wife, expecting their first child. I gained 2 friendships (him and his wife) from not walking away because there wasn’t a spark.
I say give it a shot. The worst that will happen is that she won’t be interested. The best, a potentially wonderful friendship.
Comment by QTMama
| August 31st, 2009
“Easier to just drift apart, I suppose, and chase someone else.”
I disagree. It’s easier because then you don’t have to explain to her, so really, maybe it’s just easier for YOU.
QTMama´s last blog ..Please To The Sad
Comment by vinomom
| August 31st, 2009
I think it all depends on the vibe you are getting from HER. Is she giving off “I would love to date you?” type signals? I think cooking dinner makes it seem romantic. Why not just invite her over for pizza and a movie. You can “hang out” and still see where it leads, you don’t have to discount her entirely in regards to a LTR. But just stay away from clear dating activities – keep it casual. I don’t think it’s impossible.
vinomom´s last blog ..
Comment by dadshouse
| August 31st, 2009
She is sending off a vibe that she wants a partner, and that I’m still competing for that spot. She expects to be wined and dined. But it’s a different vibe than just dating. I sense a bit of “beautiful woman syndrome”, where an attractive woman expects certain things from the men who pursue her, and if they don’t provide that, the woman knows other men will.
That said, I also sense that outside her zone of finding a mate, she’s a charming, grounded person.
I have no problem pursuing a woman when I’m totally into her. But I’m not feeling all systems are go here, and I’m losing the energy for an all-out pursuit. Hey, it happens.
The thing is – if I suddenly say “let’s just be friends”, I bet she’ll never talk to me again. Some women are like that. They see friendship, or anything less than being a couple, as rejection.
Comment by krn
| August 31st, 2009
If she is someone you’d enjoy being friends with, by all means, pursue that. Do you have any male friends that might be interested in dating her? If so, why not have a dinner party or grill one night and have a few singles and couples over for dinner and cocktails? While it’s true that this might not send the message you want her to understand, more time with you might help her see the sparks of friendship instead. If you haven’t tried to kiss her after a few meetings, she’ll know. If she kisses you, she is likely to feel that the energy just isn’t there. Since she’s looking for a mate, she’d likely love to wider her social circle and it might be nice for you too, eh?
Comment by Honey
| August 31st, 2009
I have thought for a long time now that, once you’re done with school (whenever that is – for me far longer than most!) and out in the “real world” it is FAR harder to find new friends than to find a significant other.
I moved to Phoenix a year and a half ago and while I am finally getting friendly with my colleagues at work, active in my sorority alum club and also a member of another social organization, still do not feel like I have a single friend aside from the BF.
Honey´s last blog ..A Love Styles Exercise
Comment by MindyMom/Single Mom Says...
| August 31st, 2009
Yeah David, WHY do you want to be friends with HER? I mean, is it just that you want a gal-pal or is this particular one someone you feel you could be good friends with? I’m not really picking up on a common interest other than having teens.
I think being upfront with her is the best way to go and if she’s not intersted in being your friend then you have your answer.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Paul Rudd, A Party, Pretty Men & Preschool
Comment by Danielle
| August 31st, 2009
But if you don’t tell her that you would like to be just friends(maybe a little more detailed about why) then at some point she is going to get the feeling that you are not moving on with the relationship and will stop talking to you anyway. So you “loose the girl” either way. At least if you are upfront and honest, she gets to decide and you get to see how grounded she really is.
Just my .02.
Danielle´s last blog ..Here we go again!
Comment by T
| August 31st, 2009
This is interesting to me, David, because I wonder if Rascal and I would have continued to date had we gone out in person initially.
Our relationship started with Facebook flirting and phone calls. We hit it off SO easily on the phone. Perhaps because it felt more comfortable that way? Everything else fell into place from there.
And yeah, it does seem like the easiest relationships are with people you just hang out and get to know, either through work or play.
You said you “sense” some things about her and her expectations. I wonder… have you actually thought of asking her?
T´s last blog ..Protector
Comment by Just Me...
| August 31st, 2009
Since you say you’d like to be friends, why don’t you take it in that direction? Either she follows or she doesn’t.. Regardless, you will know where you stand..
Invite her to a party at your house, have a mixture of your friends (married, dating and single).. Get to know her on your turf.. You might find that she’s someone who works well with ‘your people’ and you might see another side of her you’ve missed by not having that perspective..
Or, one of your single friends could scoop her up and make off with her.. :) :) :)
Just Me…´s last blog ..Sunday at my House..
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 31st, 2009
Je ne sais quois… or, what the French call a certain I don’t know what?
I’ve no idea why you don’t just do what you do. Just have fun. Why the stress? Why not just hang out on whatever level and see where it goes? Maybe nowhere, maybe somewhere, but in the meantime, you had a good time with a woman and her energy.
Invite her over. Are you afraid she’ll think it’s a marriage proposal or a booty call proposal? It’s nothing more than whatever it is when you meet somewhere else. If all the cards are on the table, there is no need to feel responsible for another person’s expectations.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Angels Can Fly…
Comment by dadshouse
| August 31st, 2009
Danielle – you hit it on the head. If I stop pursuing, she’ll see I lost interest, and I’ll lose out. I’m not sure I’m ready to lose out just yet.
Teri – with other women, I do just that. I will invite them to hang out, or go for a hike, or come watch a DVD, and it’s all good and fun. I’m not sure why I’m reluctant to do that with this woman. I know it’s not her vibe, it’s my projection. So I guess I’m trying to figure why I don’t feel at ease being myself with her yet.
You all are right, I should just be me, and do what I want, and if it rubs her the wrong way, she’s probably wrong for me (as a girlfriend, or a friend).
btw – maybe my guard is up because of my experience with that female friend I wrote about last week, the one who walked out of a bar on me. http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/08/25/a-woman-walked-out-on-me-in-a-bar/
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| August 31st, 2009
So. It sounds like you’ve already gotten the vibe that she wants X and you want Y. You also said she’s got that beautiful woman thing going. Afraid to invite her over unless you make your Y position known?
Try the ‘friend’ line and neutral territory. Tsk, tsk. Just can’t say no?
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Everyone has an agenda. But gimme a break!
Comment by Andrea
| August 31st, 2009
You could try just being honest and saying you really like her and would like to continue a relationship – as friends. If she’s not interested in that, then I guess it’s her loss.
Andrea´s last blog ..First Day of School
Comment by The Exception
| August 31st, 2009
I love just hanging out with guy friends. There is something about moving into that area of friendship that is quite fulfilling. That said, I do find that it is harder to meet “guy friends” than it once was as there isn’t the chance to just chat and hang out as in the past. Now there has to be the “talk” in order to both be on the same page.
Come to VA David and I will just hang out with you! ;)
The Exception´s last blog ..Mountain Vacation
Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| August 31st, 2009
I’m having the exact. same. dilemma. I haven’t figured out how to tell this one guy that I really just don’t get all hot and bothered over him, but I like spending time with him. I’ll have to go back up and read all the other comments to see with everyone has to say about it.
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..The Sort-Of True Adventures of Our Aunt Becky, Part Deux
Comment by Lori
| August 31st, 2009
Some of the best relationships that I have had in my life are with men who are just friends. I love to have someone just to spend time with, without having to worry about whether or not he is interested in me. It seems that over time, though, men tend to think that you want to sleep with them. I am not sure why men and women think so differently about friendship with the opposite sex but as far as I am concerned, if a man is my friend, that is as far as it goes. It is so great to have a male friend to spend time with and not worry about whether or not he wants to sleep with me or thinks that I want to sleep with him. Good luck with that!
Lori´s last blog ..No son of mine is gonna play any foos-ball
Comment by dadshouse
| August 31st, 2009
Lori – interesting word choice: “over time… men tend to think that you want to sleep with them.” As a man, I can tell you we don’t think like that at all. Instead, we think “over time… men tend to want to sleep with you.” Either we want to sleep with you, or not. Whether you want us to sleep with you does not come into the equation. At least not before you put up your defenses.
Comment by notasoccermom
| August 31st, 2009
This is a tough situation but honesty is always the most important thing.
I dated a man I fell for quickly. He didnt feel the same.. He told me honestly and it hurt a little but now we are friends, we can hang out waiting for the right one to come along…
But if I still had strong feelings for him i would let him go.
notasoccermom´s last blog ..One whole year already?!
Comment by Laura
| August 31st, 2009
How weird! I am busy having this debate/discussion with a friend of mine!
I want to HANG OUT! Watch a movie, go for drinks – in a NON date kinda way!
We are and always will be just friends but he doesnt want to do that!
I dont get it! I mean sometimes you want to hang out but not with your girl friends!
Laura´s last blog ..All healing is first a healing of the heart
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| September 1st, 2009
I once met a guy at a dating site and we went out a few times. We had fun together, but there was definitely no chemistry between us. At one point, he invited me to go see a comedy show at a local club. I said, “Sure! Sounds cool.” He said, “Okay, the tickets cost such and such…” I thought… hmmm… why is he telling me how much the tickets are? So I asked him. He said, “Well since we are kind of just friends going out, I thought maybe you would want to start going dutch on paying for our outings.” I said, “Um… not only no but hell no. I’m okay with you saying you want to change the way things work when we go out, but you can be sure that I can’t afford to go out to the places you select. So if you want my company, you will have to pay for it. You are welcome to go out on the town alone.”
You see… he had prefaced our original meeting with the idea that he just wanted someone to take out. So he wouldn’t have to go out alone. And this was perfect, because I was looking for someone to take me out! I was so honest about this that my profile said, “I’m just looking for someone to take me out because I can’t afford to take me out any more!”
So then he adds, “Yeah, but when a man takes a woman out and pays for it, she usually does something in return.”
You can imagine what a positive reaction this got out of me.
Suffice it to say that we did go out a few more times (he paid) but then I met my current squeeze … and guess who got to go back to going it alone?
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Angels Can Fly…
Comment by Mark
| September 1st, 2009
Relationships that begin as friendships can remain friendships and sometimes they evolve into the most wonderful of relationships. You are anal izing this way too much. Invite her over as a friend and take it one step at a time.
Mark´s last blog ..Giving Without Expectations
Comment by Kekel
| September 2nd, 2009
I met this guy online and now I’m really liking him. I can usually tell if a guy likes me or not, but with him, I’m all confused. I have explained to him that the FWB situation is not my thing…it didn’t change anything, so I told him that we shouldn’t see eachother anymore. He was upset,didn’t accept it, said that he wanted to keep seeing me, that this wasn’t what was happening, that the problem was everything else that was going on his life. He said: my life is chaotic right now (he got overloaded with work since his dad got very sick), but I’ll make time for us to “hang out”. He usually acts differently from how he speaks. He likes to be the “strong male” , but without a little break, I’ll end up giving up. If I ask him if he likes me, he says he does. “Why do you think that, silly?”. I’m trying to be patiente and understanding, to not put too much pressure on him. But I’m afraid he is playing me and I’ll end up getting hurt. Confused.
Comment by Lance
| September 2nd, 2009
It’s totally possible to just hang out and be friends for the companionship, although it’s super tricky. I would go waaay overboard in explaining my intentions and reinforcing that with non-sexual body language. Even then, we might get drunk and accidentally sleep together. Oopsie!
@Teri, you’re ridiculous. If he says he wants to be friends and you have to pay for your own comedy ticket, which isn’t that expensive btw, then you have no right to get upset or bitchy about it. In fact, because of his exceptional honesty, I would suggest you pay for him a time or too. He’s better off without your friendship.
Lance´s last blog ..Couple Use Emoticons To Replace Intimacy and Affection In Their Relationship ;-)