Can Friends With Benefits Still Be Friends?
I’ve had some great impromptu dates recently with girl friends of mine. Note the space between the words “girl” and “friends”. I didn’t say “girlfriends”. Since we’re friends of the opposite sex, there are plenty of sparks. But since we aren’t dating, there are no fireworks at the end of the night.
It’s sometimes a bit frustrating.
Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with women. Sometimes it’s better than dating. After all, feminine energy is an elixir that can’t be beat. Plus, how else can I go see the movie “Adam”, an artsy chick flick if there ever was one, and talk about it after with a straight face? (I actually liked it. And I never would have seen it with a buddy, or on my own.)
The problem is, when you’re sharing drinks on a bar’s ourdoor patio and it’s a hot summer night, it can be hard to keep things with a girl friend platonic. I start jonesing to take her to bed. (And not to sleep.)
(Long time Dad’s House readers know that my use of the term “jonesing” is strictly for comic purposes. It’s not like I’m shooting up with bodily fluids from any of my female counterparts. Or wagging my tail, waiting for them to take me home. It just means I’m attracted to them in more than an intellectual sense.)
All these female friends without benefits got me wondering – if we added conjugal visits to our relationship, could we still be friends?
My gut says no. Once you cross the sex line, there’s no turning back. Things become emotionally tangled and the relationship becomes more complicated. One of the friends will invariably want to eliminate the space from those two words, turning “girl friend” into “girlfriend” (ie. a lover wanting friendship and romance.)
On the other hand, I’ve had lovers who I wasn’t friends with. We would do some dirty texting when the mood struck, and if the other was free we’d have some bedroom fun together. (Or couch fun. It’s all good.) Other than that, we didn’t hang out much, other than occasionally going out for drinks.
In that light, part of me wants to believe that a girl friend relationship can be beneficial to both, without turning into a girlfriend, or destroying the friendship.
And so, to all my girl (space) friends, please know that a lack of space is sometimes a wonderful thing.
- Where’s the Romance?
- Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
- Losing FWB Benefits
- A Woman Walked Out on Me in a Bar
- Hooking Up – I Just Want To Be Your Lover
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Comment by Rosie Scribble
| September 4th, 2009
Can friends with benefits still be friends? Definitely not. It changes the dynamics of the relationship completely. Fun though!
Comment by Sandy
| September 4th, 2009
Although it’s been a couple of decaes since I was single, I think FWB (didn’t have that phrase back in the day) can still be friends. But I also think men & women can just be friends without the other stuff getting involved. My husband absolutely disagrees.
Sandy´s last blog ..Funny Foto Friday
Comment by Just Me...
| September 4th, 2009
I don’t want to make generalizations..
But, if you are friends, if you really like this other person as a person and you add sex into the mix, you’ve got a ‘relationship’.. I don’t think it can be helped..
Note – You did say that you had a FWB that really wasn’t a friend.. Wouldn’t that more be a AWB? Acquaintance with Benefits? That can work..
The other? Um, not so much… :)
Just Me…´s last blog ..It’s done..
Comment by vinomom
| September 4th, 2009
I’ve had more like Just Me said “AWB” never friends that I hung out with on any other level. Except One. We had sex and we never spoke again, and I still kind of regret that. I definitely think you can have Bed Buddies, but if you have other things in common and enjoy each other’s time then like Just Me said – it’s pretty much a relationship.
vinomom´s last blog ..The Fall of Summer
Comment by *Juliette*
| September 4th, 2009
Samantha from SATC said it years ago and it’s still true:
“You can’t date your fuck-buddy!”
Meaning that your FWB must stay in a category of his own – neither a boyfriend, nor a boy friend. Something about the casual sex makes it impossible to have a real relationship with him. It sounds like you want more than that. Maybe you are ready for the whole enchilada?
*Juliette*´s last blog ..The Wordsmith
Comment by Barry
| September 4th, 2009
Sounds like a possibility on the surface, but once the sheets, or whatever, are shared, things will never be the same.
For a refresher, –please watch “When Harry Met Sally”. :)
Barry´s last blog ..Obesity Trends In Children – Who Is To Blame?
Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| September 4th, 2009
There’s a man I love spending time with and we always have a blast when we’re together, but we both know a relationship between us at this point is not going to work. We try to keep it strictly platonic, but it’s difficult because we enjoy each other so much. So…I have to agree with everyone else, you have to keep it non-sexual to keep your friendship. Someone once gave me the advice (when I asked for it regarding this man) that if you want a FWB, it has to be someone that you ONLY want for sex, not someone who’s attractive in other ways to you.
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Goings On
Comment by CJ
| September 4th, 2009
I think it’s possible, but not probable. I think it depends on 1) the people involved and 2) the reasons.
If one of the FWBs (especially the female) is still looking for a relationship or “the one” and the FWB is just a stop gap, then no, I don’t think it’s possible. Too many emotions are gonna get in the way and somebody is going to get hurt.
However, if both of you are totally happy being single and have no desire to change that status, but would like someone to go out with, sleep with, whatever, on occasion without either party wanting any “control” over the other person’s life then I think it can be possible. It is, however, a very fine line to walk and the rules would have to be set in stone before any hanky panky happened. I have seen it succeed before and it worked great for them, however, very few people can actually pull it off.
CJ´s last blog ..My Heart is Waking Up
Comment by QTMama
| September 4th, 2009
Well, I can only speak for me, but sex adds emotions, and that’s where I then have issues. If I can’t be emotional with a man, I can’t have sex with him. I’ve tried the FWB and it is a blurry blurry line. For me.
QTMama´s last blog ..Once, Long Ago …
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| September 4th, 2009
No sex with girl (space) friends. The end.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Angels Can Fly…
Comment by MindyMom/Single Mom Says...
| September 4th, 2009
I think if you are truly friends, i.e.; care for each other, respect each other, have fun together, and are attracted to each other, then why not? I’ve had some experience with this and it CAN work if you are both on the same page. Plus I’d rather be with someone I like and am comfortable with than some random hookup or no sex at all.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..The Key to Successful Dating
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| September 4th, 2009
I disagree with Rosie Scribble and Just Me. I’m more on MindyMom’s page.
FWB can work just fine, and for a good long time, too. It just takes clear communication, which keeps the friendship solid, and the benefits… fresh!
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Billions of bucks in the Love Biz?
Comment by Laura
| September 4th, 2009
I think you can be friends. I have a few guy friends who I have slept with! In fact one of my closest friends now was a FWB! I love him, he loves me – as friends!
The key is to BOTH be on the same page AND to have open channels of communication!
Laura´s last blog ..Actually, no thats not what I need
Comment by Edgar
| September 4th, 2009
David – I’m still friends with a couple of former lovers who evolved into friends. They still get my kundalini flowing, but we all realize that it’s probably best if we hug and kiss and leave it at that. While we could follow the advice of MindyMom and BigLittleWolf, the exponential level of complexity that these relationships would have due to the addition of sex seems daunting.
But, you really need some new guy friends. “Adam” is on my list, as is “Julie and Julia.”
Comment by Andrea
| September 4th, 2009
I would have to say no to this one (at least in my experience). It’s always become more for me even without the intent to be more in the beginning.
Andrea´s last blog ..Star Wars cards
Comment by Keith Wilcox
| September 4th, 2009
Having girl friends is an excellent idea. The problem lies in their level of attractiveness. It’s much easier to be friends with an unattractive girl because you know nothing is ever going to happen. Attractive women have the problem of always wondering who is sincere. Inevitably men’s minds will wander and dream of the possibilities :-)
Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..FRIDAY’S STORY #10
Comment by caligirl94117
| September 4th, 2009
Maybe I’m too retro, but I don’t understand the desire to not have a relationship. What is the need for sex with a person one doesn’t want to date, and exclusive friendship with a person one is attracted to? I read elsewhere that you’re frustrated with FWB and desiring relationship, so why not take the relationship forward with a girl (space) friend if she’s interested?
Goes back to lurking…
Comment by dadshouse
| September 4th, 2009
Cali Girl – excellent point! I do toe the line between dating and FWB quite a bit. Ultimately, I’d like to have a partner. Whether that’s remarrying, or a serious long girlfriend, I would love to live with a woman again.
I’m very cautious about who I’ll bring around my kids. Part of that is a defense mechanism. Part is me looking out for my kids’ best interest. I don’t want them on a dating roller coaster.
All that said – if I’m not in a serious relationship, I’d still like physical intimacy. I’d rather have that with someone I know and like, than with a stranger in a one night stand.
Comment by caligirl94117
| September 4th, 2009
I understand the need to be cautious for the kids’ sake. I’m the adult child of parents who really messed this up with poor choices. I still don’t understand the compartmentalization of people for specific purposes. Maybe separating physical intimacy from serious relationships is standing in the way? Why not get an “all in one” relationship with someone? Why don’t some of these girl (space) friends qualify? Is there more to this than the kids?
Comment by dadshouse
| September 5th, 2009
It’s not just the kid situation. I have been in “all in one” relatinships since my divorce, and I’ve nearly gotten remarried a few times. My last girlfriend didn’t work out because after we’d been dating a year, she said she wanted to have her own kids – 10 years from now. I have a daughter heading to college soon. I don’t want to wait 10 years then have more babies. That girlfriend and I broke up, then reconnected as lovers. So that was a big part of the compartmentalization.
Some of the girl (space) friends I have right now are just friends, but I am attracted to them. Why not all in one with them? Some of them are single moms who have compartmentalized their lives, and don’t want to bring a man into it. Others are long time friends who maybe don’t want to be a step mom, or don’t feel the chemistry with me for a deeper relationship, or I don’t feel the chemistry with them.
I am looking for that “all in one” thing. There are more single men than single women in Silicon Valley, so it might take longer to manifest here than in other places.
Comment by caligirl94117
| September 5th, 2009
Thanks for indulging my questions. As I said, I’m out of step with a lot of today’s thinking on this.
It’s too bad that so many want life exactly as they want it, with no adjustments for life’s surprises (I’m referring to your ex). I’ve done that and now I’m reading your blog because I’ve recently reconnected with someone I once loved and he’s a single dad. I’m single, no kids and I used to be strongly opposed to becoming a step mom, but my feelings for this person are strong enough for me to consider adjusting my preconceptions.
As a single gal, I really should check out the South Bay given all that I hear about the man to woman ratio.
Comment by krn
| September 7th, 2009
Compartmentalizing is playing it safe. I completely admit to having done that over the past few years, mostly for my son’s benefit, but also out of self protection. Necessary, yes. Enjoyable? Not so much.
It’s possible to have a relationship with fluid boundaries that is healthy, honest and works out well for both over the long term. The key is to be clear that your friendship is what brought you together, way more important than the benefits, and is to be to be nurtured…and really mean it. As long as you have an understanding that you both must honestly share where you are at frequently, the friendship can last and grow from the intimacy that develops from deep affection and sex. If you end up being super close afterwards, it takes tons of maturity and respect for each other and your respective mates to not give the physical attraction so much attention anymore. If the sex was really, really good for both, anyway. That can be done, though.
If you think you can be friends afterwards, go for it, Dad’s. Just realize that there is risk involved and be willing to deal with any “fall out” sensitively and kindly. If love develops, it might not lead to the life that you or she imagined, but really, isn’t that a good thing? Life rarely follows our plans or imagined path anyhow.
Comment by Justin
| September 7th, 2009
“if we added conjugal visits to our relationship, could we still be friends?” UM, NO! LOL
Comment by Danielle
| September 7th, 2009
I think it completely depends on the two people. I have had a friend that was once my FB and before I was married, and we exercised both options often. It worked for us.
Comment by April
| September 8th, 2009
Well, I can. Can’t speak for everyone, though.
April´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up (latest obsessions edition)
Comment by David Clare
| October 13th, 2009
It requires maturity that most people do NOT have.
The hardest part is that society will tell you “It can’t be done.” So it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The sex and friendship part is not difficult. Swimming against the social current of “what everybody knows it true” is much, much more difficult. Especially since “Samantha” said differently.
You will get a lot of advice on how and how not to manage such relationships from people who have absolutely no experience with anything more than serial monogamy, at most. If you want to explore further, ignore such people.