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Single Parent Dating
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25 Responses to “Dear Jon Gosselin, I Can Relate”

1. Comment by Andrea | September 9th, 2009

   Okay, you already know this and normally I wouldn’t comment – but I hate the Jon and Kate nonsense. Who cares?? She treated him terrible, he took it, they have tons of kids and are getting divorced. Why should it be such a spectacle? (Personally I’m not interested to know anything about it.) But your post touches on your own situation, so I will comment this time :)

   I wouldn’t want the Leave It To Beaver life either. I am hardly going to greet you at the door in pearls and a skirt and offer you a martini. I will be sure to have at least showered and have dinner on the table though. Couples should be equals. I applaud Jon for finally saying enough. I would never have let it go on for so long.

2. Comment by ShrimpieDad | September 9th, 2009

   I agree David. From watching the show, it certainly appeared that Kate spoke to Jon in a very disrespectful manner, especially in front of the kids. He seemed to take it well most times, but everyone has their breaking point and it looks like he hit his. Marrying a strong partner has its upside, but like what happened to you, once the power struggle starts one partner has to give in or the fighting kills the marriage. That was a large part of what happened in my marriage too. The one thing I will say for (or against) Jon is that if he is going to do his kids a service, he needs to keep his negative comments about Kate and his relationship with his new girlfriend out of the press. That can only hurt his kids (especially the older ones right now) and cause them to rebel against him or both parents. It is SO hard not to react when the other parent is picking a fight but the best thing I’ve been able to do (most time, not all) is to just say nothing and walk away. I hope he calms down and can try to move on to a quiet life as a single Dad.

3. Comment by Just Me... | September 9th, 2009

   I don’t think it had to do with strong or weak.. She was rude and he had no backbone.. As for the kids, they’ll do about as well as any other kid of divorced reality-TV parents..
   :D
   Just Me…´s last blog ..Sleepless Nights…

4. Comment by Eathan | September 9th, 2009

   I’m sure everyone can relate to Jon. Every divorce has some kind of hard feelings. No one is happy with their ex.

   I’ve said this before.. Kate treated him badly. And for a few seasons people every where wondered why he stood around and took it.
   Eathan´s last blog ..Reconnecting With DB42

5. Comment by QTMama | September 9th, 2009

   MY GOD do you devote a lot of time blogging about this couple! Sheesh. But, your blog, your thoughts. Fair enough.

   I never watched the show, so I come at this from a different perspective. I only see him out there in the media now, with his young girlfriends and one night stands. I see none of this from Kate. But I do have to say, him speaking out so harshly against her (last night) kind of makes her look better for NOT saying those things about her kids’ father. Just my opinion of course.
   QTMama´s last blog ..Random Brain Thoughts

6. Comment by krn | September 9th, 2009

   I’m not following the Jon and Kate story and haven’t watched the show, but I appreciate your views about divorce. Power imabalance was a problem in my marriage also, so I can relate to what you wrote.

   Respect and generosity are so important for both partners to practice every day. If both partners give at least as much as they take to/from one another on a daily basis, an abundance is created. Being thoughtful is so underrated.

7. Comment by Cathy Meyer | September 9th, 2009

   If Jon Gosselin went to therapy he didn’t learn much. He is running around blaming Kate for choices he made. It isn’t pretty and doesn’t reflect well on him.

   He was married to a shrew, a control freak and like Mindy said, he didn’t have the backbone to do anything but take it, to the point that he allowed it to destroy his marriage and his children’s family.

   She said “jump” and he said “how high.” Now that he is tired of trying to please Kate he is making his decision to leave all about Kate’s “abuse.”

   If you spend years handing someone control of your life on a silver platter you don’t get to walk away and blame your misery on that person.

   Nothing has changed with Jon Gosselin. He blames Kate for the problems in the marriage and is now blaming the media for the problems he faces since leaving her.

   He needs to grow up, shut up and take some responsibility for what happened in his marriage. Until he does he will remain an angry man making stupid choices.
   Cathy Meyer´s last blog ..LONELY IS NOT A FOUR-LETTER WORD

8. Comment by Kristy | September 9th, 2009

   hahahahahhaa….you are flip flopping Dad’s House….flip flopping like a fish out of water. Just because you THINK you can relate. Let me tell you something, no one can know what happens between two married individuals…least of all when they get divorced. Only they know.

   I’m thinking from everything I see that your ex told you what to do because you needed someone to direct you. err…wait…perhaps I have no idea because I don’t know you or her! Yah I’ll pick the latter.

   I agree wtih Cathy Meyer…..Jon’s a mess.
   Kristy´s last blog ..:-)

9. Comment by BigLittleWolf | September 9th, 2009

   This is NOT about Jon, and this is NOT about Kate. It’s about each one of us who has survived divorce following a marriage with significant inequities. For some of us, those struggles follow us long after the marriage ends, because as long as two individuals are bound by children – whatever the custodial arrangements – their lives intersect in many ways, not the least of which is the model their relationship will be for the children.

   Certainly, every marriage is different. I know as many men as I do women who have been taken advantage of by an overly complex, overloaded and lacking legal system, as well as by ex-spouses who get away with violating legal orders and worse – the ethical issues of being responsible parents.

   All I can say is it’s a hard road; harder for some than others. Harder for some of us to find love (that we trust) afterwards. Hardest of all on our children, because they’re caught in the middle.

   Screw Jon and Kate. Look inward. Are you doing what’s best for your kids? Do you still have your integrity? Not EVERY divorce and aftermath is misery; we simply don’t hear about the ones where parents are cordial, kids know they’re loved by both, and life goes on.

   Kristy? Take a chill pill. Nothing is black and white. Sounds like you’ve probably been through some hard times. QTMama – if David is blogging about this it’s because it triggers stories and responses from US, his readers, because OUR experiences matter. Our sharing of experiences matter. We learn from each other, and talk to each other. Here, in this venue.

   No one is perfect, perfectly consistent, or incapable of evolving. I for one hope I learned from my mistakes in marriage and afterwards, and will continue to try to learn from my mistakes in life. There’s always more joy than sorrow. Always. Even in the tough times.
   BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Heart healthy: do we get better at love?

10. Comment by MindyMom/Single Mom Says... | September 9th, 2009

    I’ve never seen the show and I agree with what QT said.

    I also think that a woman who spoke down to her husband the way she did (as suggested) probably had a lot of built up resentment and that’s how she released it. I’m not saying that’s right or a healthy way to express how she was feeling but WHY she had so much resentment for her husband no one can say. I do not believe for a second that Jon is without equal responsibility for the failure of that marriage. And like QT said, him playing the role of victim makes him look bad, IMO.
    MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Random Recap

11. Comment by Honey | September 9th, 2009

    Sometimes when one person refuses to stand up to another, the person who’s not being stood up to will use that as an excuse to unleash ALL his/her frustrations on the weaker partner, even those that have nothing to do with the relationship.

    That’s why I had to end it with one of my exes in college. He was such a doormat he turned me into the worst version of myself. But I am suggesting that Kate’s treatment of Jon isn’t necessarily because of the specifics of their relationship (though that’s almost certainly part of it), but also because his response to her badgering was predictable, nonthreatening, and certainly easier than always directing her anger towards whatever triggered it.
    Honey´s last blog ..Check Out The New Brazen Careerist

12. Comment by dadshouse | September 9th, 2009

    Cathy – that’s an interesting perspective. Are you suggesting that Jon should have sucked it up and continued letting Kate tell him what to do for the rest of his life? He says when he finally had the strength and resolve to stand up for himself, he invited her to couples therapy and she refused to go. At some point if a power struggle starts, like Krn said, it will ruin the marriage unless both partners deal with it.

    I think an attitude that says Jon should just suck it up and take it for the rest of his life is absurd. People change and grow. For two partners to stay together, they have to support each other’s growth, and accept changes.

    Here’s something I wrote about intimacy, where I touch on the concept of “spiritual partnerships” – partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth: http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/06/11/single-parents-missing-intimacy/

    I don’t know what went down between Jon and Kate Gosselin, or what things said in public by either one of them is accurate. I do know that the story Jon told in the ABC News interview reminds me of my own marriage. I don’t think Jon is playing the role of victim. I think he’s showing more awareness about himself and his marriage than Kate. Whether that’s accurate or not doesn’t really matter – like BigLittleWolf says, it’s really about each of us looking within ourselves at our own crap, and dealing with that.

13. Comment by April | September 9th, 2009

    Even though you know the story of my divorce is a bit more dramatic than “he said, she said,” I would venture to say that maybe marriage shouldn’t be what so many “experts” say it should. Maybe some of us just shouldn’t stay together forever. And maybe, if the marriage police would shut up, then exes wouldn’t feel the need to defend themselves as vigorously as both Jon and Kate have.
    April´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up (latest obsessions edition)

14. Comment by Kat Wilder | September 9th, 2009

    This is why I want to drop out of the world.

    Jon needs more therapy (anyone who publicly proclaims he “despises” his wife is NOT helping his kids in any healthy way. That’s their MOM!)

    And anyone who continues to care about (and profit from) their troubles could probably use some therapy, too. They are not a role model for a healthy relationship, healthy parenting, healthy divorcing, healthy TV watching. In fact, it’s all so sick.

    Can’t we talk about real issues, like women’s handbags or something …
    Kat Wilder´s last blog ..The key to a woman’s mystery is in the bag

15. Comment by T | September 9th, 2009

    Makes me sad. I think I may have done this in my marriage without realizing it. He seemed to love that I took care of things and made the money. Once I needed him to step up and be the provider, that’s when our marriage went sour.

    Well… that and a whole host of other things.
    T´s last blog ..Pawning off the kids for a sexcapade

16. Comment by ZenMom | September 9th, 2009

    I think it’s good and healthy that you can look back and see the good and the bad from your own past with a clear perspective. And, yes, there are always more sides to personal relationships than what outsiders see. We are, as a society, so quick to judge things we really don’t understand. When really, we’d probably be better off just butting out.
    ZenMom´s last blog ..Camping – by the numbers

17. Comment by Cathy Meyer | September 9th, 2009

    David, the last thing I would suggest is that Jon or anyone in an unhappy marriage suck it up.

    In my opinion Jon should have left the marriage long ago. He CHOSE not to though and in making that choice is responsible for where he is today. In making the choice to stay he sent her the message that he was OK with her behavior.

    All of us change, some of us grow through the adversity we go through. I don’t see growth in Jon. I see a man who is hell bent on blaming someone else for the choices he made and is making.

    I agree with BigLittleWolf, it is about each of us looking within at our own crap and dealing with it. Jon is too busy blaming Kate’s grap for his problems instead of dealing with his own crap.

    Until he deals with his own crap he won’t grow. He will move on to the same kind of woman and live in a relationship with the same dynamic.
    Cathy Meyer´s last blog ..LONELY IS NOT A FOUR-LETTER WORD

18. Comment by loriann | September 9th, 2009

    I’m sorry David, but there is nothing “good” about Jon airing his side of the story to the public. It’s completely self serving on his part, as it was for Kate to share her story. It’s simply something for the children to read about in years to come. Ugly words from both sides. It’s very sad what these children will be seeing, hearing and reading. What Jon and Kate are feeling, saying and doing should not be fodder in the public circus ring. If either of these “parents” had any wits about them they would keep there mouths shut and their energy focused simply on the children, more so than telling their own stories.

19. Comment by dadshouse | September 9th, 2009

    Cathy – maybe it took Jon Gosselin a while to find his voice and stand up to Kate. Yes, he chose to marry her. Often we are subconsciously attracted to the very person who will help us grow the most. i.e. the person who really pushes our buttons. By being in a relationship with that person, we are forced to deal with those buttons. Whether we deal by lashing out, or by looking within, is a choice every person makes for themselves. Sometimes a bit of both can happen.

    I think saying Jon gave her “permission” to put him down belittles him as a person. Clearly he has grown since he first got married. Clearly he has a lot of growing yet to do. As do all of us.

    I didn’t see much in the ABC News interview where Jon Gosselin is publicy putting down Kate. He said she talked down to him – we all saw that on the show. He said he finally stood up to her. He said he despises her (okay, he’s pissed at the circumstance they are in. But is that considered bashing her?) Whether he’s bashing her elsewhere is not something I know about. This post is a reaction to the interview he gave ABC News.

    As for the commentators who are putting down Jon Gosselin for not having had “enough” therapy yet – when instead you might applaud him for starting to get the help he needs – aren’t you putting him down in much the same way Kate did? That says more about the commentator than it does about Jon or Kate.

20. Comment by Cathy Meyer | September 9th, 2009

    David, my opinions about the Gosselin situation are colored by my own experience with marriage and divorce. Just as your opinions are.

    I became pregnant while dating my ex. He walked away. No contact or interest in his child for 2 and 1/2 years. When he wanted to be part of the picture again I welcomed him with open arms.

    We married and I spent 14 years with a man who was constantly walking away. When he finally left for good I had a choice to make.

    I could be angry as hell with him for what he did to me or I could look inward and try and figure out why I allowed him to do what he did.

    He is an asshole but I am the fool who gave the asshole “permission” to mistreat me. I suffered a lot of pain due to his actions. I also suffered because I was the one who gave him the go-ahead.

    A few years after we divorced I was contacted by Newsweek. They wanted to interview me about a specific aspect of my marriage. I declined. It would have felt damned good to air that dirty laundry and let the world know what an asshole he was.

    It would have done nothing to further my need to take responsibility, let go of the anger and figure out what the hell in me allowed me to marry a man who had already shown he wasn’t to be trusted.

    I get his anger…most of it comes from fear I would imagine. I don’t consider what I say about him to be belittling or in anyway the same as Kate’s verbal abuse.

    Kate spent years trying to beat him down. It is now his job to build himself back up and staying focused on his anger and what she did to him isn’t going to promote emotional growth in him.
    Cathy Meyer´s last blog ..LONELY IS NOT A FOUR-LETTER WORD

21. Comment by jason | September 9th, 2009

    Dad,

    Thanks for the good post and insightful commentary on your own divorce.
    Ugh, divorce, it is one of those things we all experience differently, our own emotions and state of mind affect how we act and re-act differently.
    I can understand and relate to what you say and how you feel, even though my own situation is definitely different.

    I think saying that you despise your ex on national TV is not very much in the spirit of having a ‘good’ divorce. If he wants to give perceptions and insight into his own thinking he can do that without saying things like this, but what sells on tv is car wrecks, not true insights that we can all learn from

22. Comment by krn | September 10th, 2009

    Perhaps Jon G. needs to vent before he can move forward. Who here didn’t feel the need for that following their divorce? I sure did and occassionally, I still do. If he were doing that in a place where his children would not have access to his comments, it is healthy to express anger, frustration, hurt….the list goes on. Blaming usually turns the finger inward eventually.

    If I had as many children to support following my divorce as they do, perhaps a public airing would be necessary for financial reasons. Of course, any money left over after litigation and living expenses, would be put away to ensure that my children would be taken care of in the future. As others have commented, we have not walked in their shoes, so passing judgement is just that.

    Good discussion here.

23. Comment by LiteralDan | September 10th, 2009

    Without knowing too much about their lives together, especially before the TV cameras came into the picture, I always said that he needed to stand up to her or just get out, every time my wife, sister, or mom had it on. I just couldn’t stand to listen to it.

    So good for him, even though it’s sad for the kids, and sadder for everyone that they can’t just let the show go.
    LiteralDan´s last blog ..Amusing searches, Vol. 2

24. Comment by The Exception | September 13th, 2009

    The one thing I am finding so often is that peple have trouble looking at their own behavior and accepting responsibility for their choices. Whether someone stays or leaves a marriage, they make that choice. The issues in that marriage are largely about the choices that each person makes – and each needs to find the means of seeing their own behavior with honesty and acceptance.
    The Exception´s last blog ..Like the Color Purple

25. Comment by DD | September 14th, 2009

    Jon Gosselin’s post divorce behavior speaks volumes of his character. He is not someone to applaud. If indeed he was or felt mistreated he could deal with that privately. But parading around with girlfriends and bad mouthing Kate is only fodder for the press and will eventually get back to his kids.

    In terms of how Kate treated him….we only know what we saw on camera. For all we know he was abusing her off camera and this was her snipes on camera were her way of getting back at him. We just don’t know…but I am less inclined to believe him given his antics.

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