Lady of the House
Sunday morning, the doorbell rang. I hadn’t had my coffee yet, but at least this single dad was up. I looked out the window, and there’s some lady standing there. Was it a neighbor whose turtle crawled under the fence? (Hey, stuff like that happens in my neighborhood).
I opened the door, and she spoke seven words that ended the conversation for me immediately:
Is the lady of the house in?
I LOVE when people ask me that question. It tells me they don’t know me, or know anything about me.
I’m divorced. There is no lady of the house. I’m a single dad who does it all myself.
Occasions like this remind me of my college jazz band. Our conductor was a professor at the school, but we all called him “Chief”. Anytime a visitor came into our band room and asked for him by Professor Williams or Mr. Williams, we’d start snickering. The visitor usually thought they’d blundered into the wrong class.
Nope, you simply showed your colors – you’re not a friend, and you don’t know anything about us.
When it’s someone trying to sell me stuff, I just laugh it off. I’ll even happily tell them – there is no lady of the house – then I’ll close the door or hang up the phone. I don’t have time for their shit, and they don’t get a second chance.
It’s even better when it’s a mom from the local school. I usually roll my eyes and shake my head. Hey lady, some men actually are active and involved in their kids school life.
Even if I wasn’t a divorced dad, I find it presumptuous that they don’t want to talk to me, but would rather chat with the lady of the house.
So until there is a lady in this single dad’s house, I’ll enjoy this excuse to shake off unwanted visitors and callers.
Because in this house, the man wears the skirt in the family!
(Um, that sort of came out wrong, didn’t it? Haha. Oh well. Gotta love figures of speech!)
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Comment by Keith Wilcox
| September 14th, 2009
David, I’ve gotten the same thing. Of course though there is a lady of this house. Nevertheless it’s annoying that these people make assumptions like that. Like I couldn’t possibly know anything about grocery shopping or whatever they’re knocking about. On a similar note, I’ve found that staying with my kids all day has some advantages. I get to see what all the mothers are up to and how their brains work when their husbands are away. I’m sure you have probably seen the same sorts of things. It gives you some serious insight into the mind of a woman. That got a little off topic, sorry. But, yes, I am involved in my kids’ lives and, yes, some people find that very difficult to believe.
Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Don’t Get Sick!
Comment by Sandy
| September 14th, 2009
Rather sexist attitude from her, wouldn’t you say?
Sandy´s last blog ..There’s Always Another Answer
Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| September 14th, 2009
That’s similar to the way it feels when someone calls me “Mrs.”
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Yowzas!
Comment by Paula
| September 14th, 2009
The NRA keeps calling my house but when the “man of the house” isn’t home they hang up. They never even give me time to make a snarky comment.
I have complained to the bank on this issue as well. Despite the fact that I do all of the banking, open all of the accounts, etc. they automatically list my husbands name on everything from checks to mortgage loans. He’s the man. His name comes first.
Sexism sucks.
Comment by *Juliette*
| September 14th, 2009
I’ve always had to deal with the reverse sort of thing, like when I went to buy a car, after asking many questions about the engine, the salesman asked, lady, where is your husband? Needless to say, they didn’t get my business.
*Juliette*´s last blog ..The Speed-Dating Crashers
Comment by Just Me...
| September 14th, 2009
Well.. It’s plain rude to say that line right off the bat.. What happened to manners? She’s probably the same one who calls and says ‘Is so-n-so there?’..
What happened to people saying ‘hello, this Jane, may I speak with John?’ Whether on the phone or at the door, announce yourself first, then start the conversation..
Oh, maybe I’m just old-fashioned..
Just Me…´s last blog ..Why am I sad?
Comment by Andrea
| September 14th, 2009
You wear a skirt? Got pictures? hehe
Andrea´s last blog ..Monday’s Muse with Cinnamon and Honey
Comment by Danielle
| September 14th, 2009
Maybe it was a ploy to see if you were single.
Was she date material?
Danielle´s last blog ..Gimme Smore 4 day weekends please
Comment by ilinap
| September 14th, 2009
Wow, in this day and age people still say “lady of the house?!” I thought that was reserved for brothel niceties.
ilinap´s last blog ..5:00 Fridays
Comment by MindyMom/Single Mom Says...
| September 14th, 2009
I get this ALL the time! People assume I am married and make references to my “husband” and often it’s something like, “maybe you should check with your husband first?” or “what would your husband think?” or they call me “Mrs.” I do live in a community where most of the other homeowners are married but still, it’s annoying.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Timing
Comment by ZenMom
| September 14th, 2009
What a sexist opening line! You would think people would know better in this day and age. Even assuming there IS a lady of the house – and, as you say, that’s a big assumption right there – who’s to say that she is the person you want to be talking to.
Anyone who came to my door looking for “the lady of the house” should probably be trying to pitch to “the man of the house” – he does 90 percent of the cooking, 60 percent of the cleaning and 50 percent of the child rearing. If you want to sell us something for “the home” – he’s the more likely candidate.
Of course, that assumes that the sales person has ignored my clearly posted “No Soliciting” sign. So, odds are good that they are not the brightest or most polite individual to start with. So, we usually just brush them off anyway.
I really hate door-to-door sales and the like. I know where to find your stuff, if I want it, thanks. And you don’t even want to get me started on door-to-door religion.
ZenMom´s last blog ..Camping – by the numbers
Comment by Laura
| September 14th, 2009
Is it at least a pretty skirt :)
But yeah I hate it when people ask me for my husband or when I am out with a guy and the waiter/cashier whoever directs all communication with the guy!
Laura´s last blog ..My life is a reality TV show
Comment by Barry
| September 14th, 2009
I am with Danielle. She probably just studied you from afar and finally worked up the nerve to see if there was a woman hiding that she didn’t know about!
Nah—probably not.
Barry´s last blog ..Time For John Edwards To Be Single Dad
Comment by Senorita Sandrita
| September 14th, 2009
So do you have a coconut bra to go with that skirt ?
Can I see ?
Senorita Sandrita´s last blog ..Survey whore comeback………..
Comment by MommaSunshine
| September 14th, 2009
You know, we women get, “Is the man of the house at home?” line ALLLL the time…and I found it just as offensive when I was married as I do now that I’m not.
In this day and age, it’s an inappropriate question no matter which direction it’s asked in….and people should be more considerate, in my opinion.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CBG!!
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| September 14th, 2009
Interesting discussion. Makes me think of a couple I know, so permit me.
I had a woman friend, some years back, who lived with her male partner of many years. He was the de facto Dad to her young son by her teen marriage, from the time the little boy was about 4. When de facto Dad was laid off from his dot com job, he took over the full-time household and parenting duties. He was in that role, while she was the “breadwinner,” for about 5 or 6 years. Eventually they married, had 2 children together right away, followed by his getting a great job, almost out of the blue.
For those past years, he’d carried about 80% of the load, best I could tell (they were close friends). Suddenly, the parenting duties had to be more equally spread, with both of them working. Within a year, there were problems, and a year later, they were divorcing.
Both were good parents; he played the more traditionally female role: feeding, loving, bathing, home schooling, sports, homework, shopping, cleaning, etc., right down to providing additional time to his partner/wife for her passions(writing) and volunteering, when she was done with her workweek. In other words, like many women, he almost never got a day off.
It always struck me that he got pretty screwed in the deal. Women were suspicious of him. His (eventual) wife never appreciated the full weight of parenting or keeping a household going the way he did. We still live in a society where those men who ARE superb fathers and partners are underappreciated, if appreciated at all.
I don’t think he ever received the respect or recognition – including from her – that he deserved. NOT because he was a man in that role, but because he was a devoted parent and partner. Not perfect, but pulling more than his share, for years.
And now they’re just one more divorced couple, but with 3 kids (two of them, very very young) between them. And she got full custody of all three. Sad. Unfair.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Hot Shots
Comment by dadshouse
| September 14th, 2009
Sandrita – ha! Reminds me of the musical South Pacific. Sailors in coconut bras. Though, I prefer female hula dancers wearing the skirts and coconuts!
Barry and Danielle – the woman who showed up Sunday is someone I’ve never seen before. She was trying to sell me pies. So she wasn’t hitting on me. Funny thing is, if she’d actually tried to sell them to me, I might have bought one.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| September 14th, 2009
I agree. No one should come to your door and ask for the lady or the man of the house. It’s a ridiculously outdated term which means absolutely nothing. If they want to sell something, they should just go right into ~ “Hello… my name is blah blah blah…”
Comment by jason
| September 14th, 2009
I am sure this is annoying and I get some of this, but dont you think some of this is how you interpret the question rather than how they are intended?
Comment by T
| September 14th, 2009
Heh. LOVE this post.
And yeah, David in a skirt. Well, no. But a kilt always did it for me.
;)
T´s last blog ..Don’t know nothin’ bout me
Comment by dadshouse
| September 14th, 2009
Jason – not sure how it can be interpreted any differently. The woman at my door wanted to sell something to a woman, not to me. Once I told her there is no woman, and I’m divorced, she did try – but I had tuned out.
As for PTA moms, I’ve been to those first day of school things where they get parents to sign up for all sorts of stuff. One woman was manning the “donate to the schools” table. She handed me a flier and asked me to give it to my wife so my wife could write a check and donate to the schools. I let her know how off base that assumption was. She hemmed and hawed, and said that her husband works and leaves her to manage the checkbook and be plugged into the schools, so she guessed my famiky would be the same. Whether I was divorced and a single dad, or married, that’s awfully presumptious. I mean, she didn’t even try to have a “donate” conversation with me – she just wanted me to be the messenger for my “wife”.
Annoying and silly.
Comment by Matty
| September 14th, 2009
Excellent post. You make a good point.
Matty´s last blog ..Make a Difference Monday
Comment by Kat Wilder
| September 14th, 2009
Well, on the phone people ask to speak to my mother , so no sympathy here ….
But, maybe she was selling eco-friendly sanitary pads or something. I mean, it could have been, uh, weird!
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..The key to a woman’s mystery is in the bag
Comment by Shawna
| September 14th, 2009
You know, I’m dating a man who does it all – literally – he’s a single dad with 100% custody and the little ex-wife is totally out of the picture and across the country. He does it all. He’s damaged his career by having to schlep kids here and there at all hours of the day. He’s buying groceries and books and running midnight errands for projects due tomorrow. He’s doing laundry at all hours of the night b/c there aren’t enough hours in the day. He’s planning meals, making lunches, making dinners, and trying to make some fun. He is all alone – no family in this neck of the woods. He’s totally doing this alone.
I don’t mean to diminish what you do as a single dad, but you don’t do it alone. You have 1/2 custody and they have a mom. If you think what you do is hard — try being a guy and doing it all. Everyone expects (rightly or wrongly) that women do this but you rarely see a man doing it all.
My boyfriend is barely making it – he’s exhausted and he’s broke, but he’s doing it all by himself.
Comment by dadshouse
| September 14th, 2009
Shawna – I don’t think what I do is hard. I love it! Yes, it’s half time, and that half time is totally on my own. I have no family here, and neighbors tend to keep their distance. But I do get breaks half the time, and that’s when I pick up the slack. Hats off to your boyfriend for truly going it alone. That’s awesome. He sounds like a keeper. (btw – it’s not a competition…)
Comment by CJ
| September 15th, 2009
Anyone asks me if the man of the house is in and I have a hard time deciding between “You’re looking at her” and calling my 4-year old son to the door. Either one usually gets the point across, but yeah, they’ve already lost any credibility with me. The phrase “Would you be the person to speak to about …..” works best in my opinion. No man/woman assumptions and I know right off the bat where this conversation is going.
David – I’m an equal opportunity PTA mom. I’ll hit up anybody with a hearbeat that wanders within arm’s reach of the table, or the building for that matter. After making the rounds at Open House the other night I made some smartass crack about feeling like I was selling myself. The principal just grinned and said “That’s why we love you so much.” Maybe you just need to switch schools. ;) ;)
CJ´s last blog ..Wating for results
Comment by krn
| September 15th, 2009
Lighten up, Dad’s! Maybe she was just so overwhelmed by the sight of you that she got flustered and popped out with “the lady of the house” comment.
Fess up, you were wearing your sexy hole in the underarm t, were unshaven and had bed hair, weren’t you???? Mmmmmmmmm.
%-O!
;)