Is Divorce Coparenting Easy?
A Dad’s House reader politely pointed out that I have it much easier as a divorced man who coparents with my ex, than a full time single dad. To wit:
I don’t mean to diminish what you do as a single dad, but you don’t do it alone. You have 1/2 custody and they have a mom. If you think what you do is hard — try being a guy and doing it all. Everyone expects (rightly or wrongly) that women do this but you rarely see a man doing it all.
My boyfriend is barely making it – he’s exhausted and he’s broke, but he’s doing it all by himself.
My first reaction was to say: you’re right! I don’t think what I do is hard. I love it! Yes, it’s half time, and that half time is totally on my own. I have no family here, and neighbors tend to keep their distance. But I do get breaks half the time, and that’s when I pick up the slack. Hats off to your boyfriend for truly going it alone. That’s awesome. He sounds like a keeper.
And then I slept on it, and remembered there are hidden costs to divorce coparenting. Here are things divorced coparents deal with that full time single parents don’t even sweat:
- I only see my kids half time
- I only see my kids for half of the holidays
- I have to deal with my ex-wife’s boyfriend
- I have to deal with my ex!
- I have no say in how my kids are raised in my ex wife’s house
- The schools often communicate only with my ex-wife, and not me (she’s the mom after all!)
- Doctor’s offices sometimes communicate only with my kids’ mom, and not me
- Our families pay double the mortgage (or rent, if we didn’t own homes) than other families in our neighborhood, and double the car insurance for our teen daughter
- Sometimes when I’m getting it on with a lover, the kids unexpectedly show up
I could go on and on. And a full time single parent could easily make a bullet list of their troubles that dwarfs mine.
Just as a married couple could list troubles they have to deal with (communication, cooperation, acceptance, support, etc.)
The point is: it’s not a competition. Parents raising kids – whether with a partner or without – face challenges.
We also have a hell of a good time. I love being a dad. I love raising teenagers. I wouldn’t trade my predicament for the world.
Is divorce coparenting easy? Who cares! It’s life. It’s fun if you want it to be.
I’m happy and grateful that I’m a dad.
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Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| September 16th, 2009
I sometimes feel like your reader does about doing it all alone, but usually all it takes is one of my girlfriends having a fight with an ex and I remember “Hey, I don’t have to deal with mine on a daily/weekly basis!” Those are the times I’m thankful he’s far away.
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Totally Music Tuesday
Comment by MommaSunshine
| September 16th, 2009
I think that there are pros and cons to the 50-50 arrangement vs. going it all alone. I have my kids 1/2 the time, and while it certain has some benefits, sometimes those benefits are definitely dwarfed by having to deal with my ex on a regular basis.
There are good and bad points to every situation, I guess. I think that it’s important for us to just focus on the positives that we have in our individual situations, because no matter what, we’ve all got things to be grateful for.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..The Complications of Dating A Blogger
Comment by Paula
| September 16th, 2009
We have a friend who would love full custody of his kids but cannot afford the court costs and psychological fees the state insists upon. He has a new wife, 2 other kids, a mortgage, less work than in past years and a $900. a month child support payment going to the xwife for the 2 kids she has custody of.
So, I think it’s great when 2 decent parents can agree to actually share their offspring. Many parents refuse to do this out of sheer selfishness and spite. Too many decent parents are getting screwed out of time with their kids, and then screwed again with massive child support payments. $900 a month? Plus insurance. Plus clothes, etc. and he gets to see his kids 4 days a month? Ouch.
Comment by *Juliette*
| September 16th, 2009
Good for you Dad!
Bottom line, it’s about the kids and your love for them. I am a single mom who did it all by myself. I remember that I used to make lists like yours, but you are so right – it’s not a competition. We parent because we love our kids and want the best for them. Now that mine are older and out of the house, I’d give anything to have those days back again.
*Juliette*´s last blog ..The Speed-Dating Crashers
Comment by Susan
| September 16th, 2009
“The point is: it’s not a competition. Parents raising kids – whether with a partner or without – face challenges.”
I think that sums it up well…although as a 50-50 custody parent I know my “kid-free days” make both full-time single parents like my sister AND married friends a bit envious. (Never mind that I’m trying to fit in every errand known to man in those free evenings!) Whatever the case, it is what it is. But clearly some people are in worse circumstances than others and I. I do recognize that.
Susan´s last blog ..Taking a bow
Comment by Mindy/Single Mom Says...
| September 16th, 2009
If anyone wants to trade situations, just let me know. Mine SUCKS! My ex is malicious and has money and could care less about whats best for the kids.
Mindy/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..The Right to Choose
Comment by QTMama
| September 16th, 2009
I agree. It’s not a competition. That is a very very VERY well made point here, DH.
QTMama´s last blog ..Gamble, Grumble, Gobble
Comment by Phil
| September 16th, 2009
As a divorced co-parent with teenagers dating a single mother (no father) with elementary school kids, I have an opinion…
Although I pay all the bills and have the kids 90% of the time, my life isn’t even close to being as difficult as a true single parent. It may be due more to the age of my kids than anything else, but I have plenty of time to do what I want. Between work, taking care of a house and her kids, my girlfriend is booked 25 hours every day. It takes 2 weeks of planning to get her out of her house.
Comment by annie
| September 16th, 2009
Apples and oranges. Different but still fruit. Parenting is a job regardless of the conditions.
annie´s last blog ..Hmmming on HumpDay
Comment by Florinda
| September 16th, 2009
My husband and his ex are co-parenting, and I suspect they’d both make a lot of the same points you have. They’re 60/40 rather than 50/50. He’s the 40, which works out to him/us having his kids 2 nights per week and alternate weekends PLUS paying child support. But for the most part, it seems to work OK for the kids, which is the main thing.
Florinda´s last blog ..Product Spotlight: *A Life Well Read*
Comment by Lance
| September 16th, 2009
Excellent attitude to have…naturally, you want to make the best of your situation. Seems like you definitely set it up as well as it can be.
Lance´s last blog ..Brilliant Use Of Anal Sex Innuendo In Marketing
Comment by Danielle
| September 16th, 2009
I consider myself a single parent (long story) and am always glad for that fact when I hear the horror stories of having to deal with and ex. But I am jealous sometimes that I don’t get a weekend off here and there. I loved Annie’s fruit quote. There is good and bad to each and it is the kids well being that is important, not who does more.
Danielle´s last blog ..Holy cougar, how did this happen?
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| September 16th, 2009
Every story is different, and parenting isn’t easy even when divorce is NOT in the picture! The important thing is finding joy in raising our kids – and doing right by them in the process.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Left foot red, right hand blue
Comment by Senorita
| September 16th, 2009
I can’t say much, I don’t have children and I never have to see my ex again. But much love and respect those that sacrifice themselves for their children.
However, no matter what you write about, whenever you write about a difficult situation there is usually always someone around the corner that they had it harder than you. Someone is always eager to tell you how easy your life is and show you their battle scars.
I also think that part of it is because you choose to keep your blog more on a positive note, and you don’t really discuss a lot of your business. Therefore people may think that you don’t struggle that much.
Senorita´s last blog ..The skinny
Comment by ZenMom
| September 16th, 2009
“Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. ” ~ Dostoevsky
ZenMom´s last blog ..Every Now and Then
Comment by Andrea
| September 16th, 2009
Everyone can have thier own lists of good and bad. I’m currently pulling fulltime single mom duty while my husband lives in Europe. Does it suck? Absolutely! Is it ideal? Of course not. But we do it because it’s aprt of being a parent.
Whether you’re doing it alone, with half help or with someone full time parenting isn’t easy. But it’s worth it.
Andrea´s last blog ..I’ve Been Thinking…
Comment by jason
| September 16th, 2009
here here!
Great Post and great comments. Dad I had the same internal reaction that you did to that comment, like: at least you dont have to deal with the ex.
But as many people say, every situation has good points and bad.
It is best to make lemonade out of lemons rather than a really sour face.
I have to say that is one of the really nice thing about the community of people that read your blog and some of the blogs that the commenters are writing. Sharing experiences and learning.
I think it is challenging to not have support of a parent in raising a child, but often even in a marriage the support is not good.
It is easy to see that the grass is always greener on the other side
Comment by T
| September 16th, 2009
Amen. It is not a competition. And didn’t I blog about that too?
http://tsquest.blogspot.com/2009/01/who-has-it-worse-really.html
We all could have something to complain about if we tried. But we all also have good things to look at too.
I’m with you. I prefer to see the good stuff. :)
T´s last blog ..Before and After
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| September 16th, 2009
Let’s try that again:
I GET to see my kids half time
I GET to see my kids for half of the holidays
I GET to know other men in my children’s lives
I GET to talk to the mother of my children
I GET to say how my kids are raised in my house
The schools often communicate with my ex-wife… hey, at least they are communicating with someone!
Doctor’s offices sometimes communicate only with my kids’ mom, and not me (same as above) ;)
My kids GET to enjoy two households
I GET to enjoy times when I can get it on with a lover, although sometimes the kids unexpectedly show up
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Angels Can Fly…
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| September 16th, 2009
At the core of this situation lies the great benefit to your children. They have the pleasure of seeing their parents learn to work together in their interest. They have the pleasure of having parents who actually talk to one another. Sure, there are pitfalls, but where are there not?
Your kids will be the benefactors for all the hard work you and your ex have put into making this work. And that’s worth all the time, effort and money in the world.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Angels Can Fly…
Comment by Jim
| September 16th, 2009
I have been a single dad for 10 years, the first couple of years I coparented and dealt with all of the above, but slowly their mother was out of the picture more and more. I just sent my last child off to college of 3. I would do it again hands down! Yes I am broke and yes I am exhausted! But I had a great time and would do it again.
Comment by Divorced Lifestyle
| September 16th, 2009
I wholeheartedly agree. Parenting is not an easy job, regardless of how it is done. Instead of making comparisons as to who has it harder, let’s try to support ALL parents.
Thanks Teri for turning that around. The power of POSITIVE affirmations/statements.
Divorced Lifestyle´s last blog ..Free emergency fund
Comment by Kristy
| September 16th, 2009
As far as the schools only communicating with one parent….you can fix that situation. I went and got a court order against my son’s school district for not keeping two households advised. If the court order custody arrangement is shared, then the information needs to be shared. They communicate the hell out of me now. I get voicemails, actual mail and full access to everything that only his father did. Whomever puts their name first on the school documents typically gets all communication. I challenged that antiquated rule. I won.
You have to fight for that one..instead of complaining about it.
Kristy´s last blog ..You’re gonna want this back
Comment by Vinomom
| September 16th, 2009
There is no competition, you are right.
I’ve been a single mom w/ no help at all for about eight years. But there have definitely been times when I’ve been glad for her father’s lack of presence in her life. I had no one to consult, argue or compromise with. The decisions are all mine!
But then again all of the pride, all of the accomplishments, all of the great moments were all mine too – meaning with no one to share them with.
We all make trade-offs.
Vinomom´s last blog ..If These are the Tweens, How Will I Ever Get Through the Teens?
Comment by Keith Wilcox
| September 16th, 2009
you just said about the smartest thing any of us has said in ages. “It isn’t a competition”. The fact that someones job may in fact, in some respects, be harder is immaterial to the job being done. It’s also irrelevant to the lives of everyone involved. Human beings deserve better than to be compared like numbers on a spread sheet. Your reaction is spot on and your kids only have the two of your for parents anyway so they certainly don’t care about comparisons. For the sake of entertainment and information we read what is going on in each others’ lives. We might offhandedly compare but it’s still all irrelevant in the end.
Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Sugar Cereals Aren’t That Bad
Comment by Lori
| September 16th, 2009
I have my teens all the time without any help from their dad and I wouldn’t trade my predicament for anything.
I don’t have the custody battles like some friends do. And one friend has her ex always verbally trashing her to the kids, and new girlfriends or wives in the picture. I’m almost thankful my ex is a deadbeat dad. ; )
Parenting by yourself, or half time parenting is not easy, but you might as well enjoy the ride!
Comment by Sandy
| September 17th, 2009
Parenting of any kind is not easy but it’s one of the most important things we will ever do. You sound like a great dad.
Sandy´s last blog ..Cowgirls Don’t Cry….Ride, Baby, Ride
Comment by krn
| September 17th, 2009
And there you have it! :) Gratitude for being a parent. I couldn’t agree more. What a blessing it is to be entrusted with the care of a child. It’s not always easy, but worth every bit of effort.
Comment by Farah
| September 17th, 2009
I’m a single mom (divorced 5 mths ago) and ex has opted to see his son only once a month (scheduled for 10am-6pm) and paying $200 child support monthly. That’s it. Is that considered as co-parenting or not? LOL! :-)
Comment by Barry
| September 17th, 2009
As a father who has had 24/7 custody of his kids since 2000, I still say it is not a competition. Both have their positives and negatives. The full time no brake, make every decision can be very draining. No chance to go out and have a drink or relax for the week. Nothing is more taxing than full custody with zero help. Having said all that, I could not imagine not having them in my house. I also do not have to discuss my decisions with an ex and get into that mess.
Divorce as a parent is what you make of it. DH is an awesome dad and spends time with his kids. Moms and dads that do not want there kids AT LEAST 50% are not holding up their end of the bargain. They are doing less for their kids than if they were still married. Shame on them.
Stay involved, let your kids enjoy having two parents, and let’s not make this a competition.
Barry´s last blog ..Male and Female Roles in Our Politically Correct Society
Comment by The Exception
| September 20th, 2009
Parenting, in any case, requires a lot of trust and letting go. As a single parent on my own, I was tired sometimes but I knew the person raising my child and had a more compelte understanding of the life and experience she knew. Starting next weekend, she will be with her dad more often – and with his wife. Although I will have the time to do my own thing, I am having to truly trust a situation that is uncomfortable in my very gut.
Married, single, or coparenting – it is all about trust and letting go.
The Exception´s last blog ..Straight from the Heart
Comment by Meghan
| September 22nd, 2009
I truly want to give you kudos! Being a divorced parent I understand the difficultly involved in having two households. I unfortunatly have the ex who likes the 4 days a month and the half holidays. Sad for my kid, not so much for me. Thanks for visiting my blog.
Meghan´s last blog ..Way to go Steve-O!
Comment by Sturatt
| September 29th, 2009
I’ve had a couple of years of the standard joint (every other weekend and the summer) and a couple of years as a full time dad. The joint arrangement simply did not give me enough time with my two kids, but it did give me time to organize my house and to optimize the time I had with them. The full time parenting is much harder. There is no break, no time to plan fun weekend activities. By the time you work 40+ hour’s, get them fed and to all their after school activities, help with homework, and anything else that comes up there is little time for house and yard work. The weekend simply becomes catch-up days. Although, there is something to be said about having one house and one set of rules and only one parent dealing with the schools, doctors, dentists, othodotists, etc…. The upside to all this effort is the pride I have to see what great young adults they are developing into.
Comment by Mel
| October 10th, 2009
Can you write a bit more about dealing with your ex’s boyfriend? Because I’m just getting started (… as in my daughter isn’t quite born yet) and DEAR LORD THIS IS GOING TO BE AN ISSUE. Hearing your perspective and experiences always helps.
Mel´s last blog ..Love this chick.