Older Men and Younger Women
If youth is wasted on the young, perhaps old age is being wasted on me. I was recently in a coffee house when two younger women checked me out. Yes, the older men younger women fantasy flashed through my mind.
Now, now – I know the difference between people looking at me and looking past me at someone else or to a clock on the wall. I was sitting by myself in the corner, and there was nothing for them to see but me. My fly was zipped up, there was no food stuck in my teeth, no purple monkeys on top of my head.
These women were giving me the eye, pure and simple.
I was struck with a dilemma – do I give them the eye right back?
I’m a big fan of meeting women in real life situations, and know that simply starting a conversation can work better than using any supposed pick up lines that work every time. I guessed these two younger women were in their early twenties. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an older man who has no problem ogling an adult female, no matter the age. If my head turns, it turns, hopefully without giving me whiplash.
But I’m also an older man in my mid-forties, a father to a seventeen-year-old girl. I’m aware that older men sometimes eye my teen daughter. (By older, in her case, I mean any man over college age. Though I have seen men in their 30s check her out.) When I see that happening, I give those older men the stink eye, and send telepathic ass-kicking brain waves for them to stay away from my little girl.
So here I was in the coffee house, a virile middle-aged single man with two young hotties at the next table, aware just how creepy the older men younger women thing would be if my own daughter was involved.
For the record, a Stanford study says it’s actually good for the survival of the species for older men to chase younger women. From my own personal experience, I know that a 20-something woman works well as a lover for a 40-something man like me. I hear in France, they take a man’s age, divide it by two and add seven to find the perfect age for his mistress. I think that’s too many years apart for a committed relationship, but the older men younger women age difference works great when it’s all about physical intimacy. Here’s why:
- Older men are established and have no problem paying for dates
- Younger women are full of life and energy
- Older men are experienced sexually. In bed, they can focus on giving rather than getting off, and when it comes to sex have lots to teach
- Younger women have naturally beautiful bodies (the female form is a wonder to behold)
- Older men and younger women who realize the relationship will never last can simply have fun in the present moment and not worry about the future. (Even single parents need intimacy.)
I realize older women and younger men can make similar claims. Cougars are out there. And older men and older women can be great together. This older men younger women blog post isn’t a dissertation.
I suddenly noticed these women were studying from test prep books with the letters “SAT” on the cover. Doh! Talk about an older men younger women nightmare. But then I figured they must be high school girls, friends of my daughter who recognized me and wanted to say hello.
Oh, but wait. I eavesdropped a bit and heard them talking about law school. I looked at the books again. Turns out they were LSAT books. These younger women were college graduates prepping for law school entrance exams.
To make a long story short – yes I chatted them up (did you think I wouldn’t say a word? Flirt daily! It’s good for you.) No, I didn’t ask for any phone numbers.
Though I wonder if I should go into the LSAT test prep tutoring business.
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Comment by BigLittleWolf
| September 28th, 2009
Great post! And very thoughtful. There are many reasons that younger women seek out or are attracted to older men – including the ones you cite above. It is generally – not always – a phase, and part of a sort of “education” that women may undertake. And it isn’t only sexually, it’s in the “ways of the world.”
Believe it or not (and not just in France!) younger men do the same thing, perhaps in fewer numbers (and less openly); teens may seek out women in their 20s and occasionally 30s, for the same educational aspects. This being less acceptable in our society, it’s discussed less often.
I am wondering… where did you get that particular French statistic? (Perhaps I ought to do some followup research… and oui oui oui, the younger man-older woman coupling plays out far more often – and in the open – in Paree.) By the way – we women “of a certain age” still check out men who are younger, enjoying the view. But mmm, mmm, a man from 35 to 50 is about as good as it gets. On any continent.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Rampant robotics – helpful in a pinch?
Comment by Just Me...
| September 28th, 2009
I’m all for people dating who they want to date.. But like you said, “Older men and younger women who realize the relationship will never last can simply have fun in the present moment and not worry about the future.”
But, when do these types of relationships become ’serial’ and indicative of a hedonistic life? Or does it matter?
Just Me…´s last blog ..Computer Woes..
Comment by Andrea
| September 28th, 2009
I’m curious if an older woman and a younger man is a Cougar what’s the reverse?
Why is there never a label for that?
Personally, while my husband is only just over a year older than me, I always preferred dating older men (most was a nine year difference) because of a lot of the reasons you quoted. I just seemed to fit better with someone who was more established personally and professionally.
Andrea´s last blog ..Monday’s Muse with Cinnamon and Honey: Autism Speaks
Comment by Cathy
| September 28th, 2009
I think I may be offended…”Younger women have naturally beautiful bodies” It isn’t only younger women who have naturally beautiful bodies. Us older gals can put some of those younger women to shame when it comes to bodies.
Great post though and you are right, all those reasons you site for older men and younger women working are the same in reverse.
I do wish someone would explain why there is a label for the older women when not one for the older men.
Cathy ´s last blog ..Children and Divorce: Minimizing the Trauma
Comment by T
| September 28th, 2009
Funny, most of the middle aged guys I know who are with younger women enjoy it at first. Then they start complaining because the only goal of the younger women is marriage and children.
So, yeah, it would definitely have to be a mutual thing if its “all about physical intimacy.” You’d be at different life stages.
T´s last blog ..Competitive Spirit
Comment by Danielle
| September 28th, 2009
Why would you want to teach someone when you could have experience and confidence in bed. Speaking from an old chicks point of view.
Danielle´s last blog ..Blame it on Mindymom!
Comment by Mindy/Single Mom Says...
| September 28th, 2009
I’m with Danielle! Really, women in their 20’s (and I know b/c I have been there, done that) can’t hold a candle to a woman in her late-30’s – early 40’s in bed! Plus, may of us ‘older’ women have rockin bods to go with our experience, confidence and brains which many 20-somethings just haven’t honed yet.
Personally I get pretty turned off if a guy in his mid-40’s will also date a woman in her 20’s but I do find men who are almost 10 yrs my senior very attractive, mostly for their maturity and self-awareness.
Comment by QTMama
| September 28th, 2009
I’m going with T on this one, at least for the older men I’ve known who’ve dated younger women. At first it made the men feel … well virile! And awesome! “Look this young chick DIGS ME” but it always seems to turn into the men changing their minds, “She bongs beers.”
*Laugh* I see nothing wrong with it, really. Unless it was my dad and he was dating someone my age. That would freak me out a bit.
QTMama´s last blog ..Click-ity Click!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| September 28th, 2009
I’m with C,T,D,M and QT. :)
I must admit, whenever I hear or read the words, “I’m attracted to younger women because they have naturally beautiful bodies,” it turns my stomach. I have known many, many men who honestly appreciate the beauty of a woman’s body throughout her entire lifetime. And I don’t mean “inner beauty.” I mean physical beauty.
A woman’s body is beautiful when she’s young. And it’s beautiful when she’s middle-aged and it’s beautiful when she’s older. But this is based on whether or not she is healthy and strong. Younger women are not more beautiful than older women, nor is the reverse true. I can’t tell you how many women in their twenties have come up to me and told me how sexually intimidated they are by me. They think I am more beautiful than they are. Which, of course, is not true.
But I digress. ;)
In general, becoming involved with someone where there are more than 15 years difference in age is hard to work with. But I have found that any relationships within that range are… well, as easy as relationships get. (Which we all know, ain’t easy, even at best!)
Not being a man, I have no idea what kind of attention I would receive from the female world. But being a woman, I will tell you that I get attention from men of all ages, but especially men in their twenties. I dislike the term “cougar,” but only because its predatory connotations. I have never pursued younger men. They have pursued me. And I know PLENTY of women in their forties who succumbed to the seduction of a younger man, and who felt very well used in the afterglow. (They are often gone before the glow even begins to fade.) What do we call those young men who are preying on the so-called cougars?
But again, I digress. :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Whoa Is Me!
Comment by dadshouse
| September 28th, 2009
My best lay ever was 32. We were lovers for several months. It was awesome. I have slept with women 20s to 50s. It’s true that women in their 30s and 40s are more confident. But sometimes that can mean they are set in their ways. I’ve met 20-somethings who aren’t as experienced in bed, and are willing to explore. A lover relationship is what it is. If it’s older men younger women, so be it.
It did creep me out that these women were so close to my daughter’s age. I don’t think my daughter would be the only one who was freaked – I’d be too!
Cathy – sorry, didn’t mean to offend. I know older women in rockin’ shape, and younger women who aren’t in shape. What I meant by “natural” beauty is that most women (and men) reach their peak physical condition in their 20s and 30s, then it’s a long downhill slide. Trust me, I’m in my 40s – I’m sliding like everyone else.
And Teri is right – physical beauty is a thing for all ages, and isn’t tied to what sort of shape someone is in. My preference as an athlete, though, is for women who work out and stay fit. No older men younger women factors at work – just fit/fit, healthy/healthy. And only my personal preference.
Comment by Senorita
| September 28th, 2009
You may be offending a couple of women, but you aren’t lying. There are a lot of older men who do go looking for women who are in their early twenties. It’s just what happens and it’s not going to change. I know what you said, how you meant it, and I think you said it just fine because that is what really happens.
It’s fun for older men to go after younger women at first. But usually they just wear each other down in the end with their differences.
I am 28 and have dated older especially a few years ago (and yes, I get shit for it). Mainly because men my age were too busy getting drunk all weekend with their homies and manscaping their bodies in a ridiculous fashion. I just wanted to spend my time with someone who was educated, intelligent, and had his act together.
But knowing what I know now and looking back, I respect the men that were older that turned me down to pursue someone in their age range.
I see a lot of personals ads around my area where men do look for women their own age. Like if they are 40, they want a woman in their age group. They do exist.
Senorita´s last blog ..Why Is Colonel Angus So Popular With the Ladies ?
Comment by Barry
| September 28th, 2009
From very personal experience, I think the problem is in the seeking of an age group, younger or older. If it happens naturally, it happens. I have recently remarried. She is a lot younger than me. She nor I searched for this. In fact, I was the one who was a bit intimidated.
But, I have always been a relationship guy. I was always happier spending my time coaching my youth teams then on the prowl. The beauty of it, I found my new wife where I was coaching because she was the athletic director. No pick -up lines needed. Already had common interests. No drinks needed.
But hey, that is just this “older guys” opinion.
Barry´s last blog ..How Do I Fight My Ex Wife’s Use Of Parental Alienation?
Comment by Honey
| September 28th, 2009
I think they call older men who date younger women, “lechers.”
:-)
Honey´s last blog ..Adventures in YouPorn
Comment by kmn
| September 28th, 2009
I think they’re called dirty old men!
Seriously, good topic. The younger woman/older man thing has been around for a long time. The younger man/older women is a more recent trend. Not that it didn’t exist before, just more taboo and women were frowned upon for it. But in either case, the pros and cons are the same. Lots of men like older women for the same reasons dads stated. The chance of it becoming a long term relationship, not so likely, but if your expectations are more about the fun and physical side temporarily that’s different.
I don’t like the term “cougar.” I’m in my mid forties and have never pursued younger men, but I have had 30ish guys interested in me and not on line. Friends of friends. It’s not right or wrong, but it might be fun ;) Date who you like and don’t worry about it. Besides women live longer.
Comment by cellogirl
| September 28th, 2009
I’ve heard that stat before about the older man’s age divided in half and add 7, except for that it was called the “ick factor”. Follow the formula and you are ok. Younger, and it is icky.
Another friend of mine who had many siblings and whose dad was dating made the rule that a man shouldn’t date anyone as young as the younger half of his group of offspring. He ended up marrying a woman two years older than his oldest daughter and all were very happy. With only a few snickers.
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| September 28th, 2009
Here’s part of what is offensive about the statements initially said – and I don’t think offense was intended. Part of why SOME men (not all) are still athletic and fit in their 40s and 50s is because they weren’t the ones having the babies in their 20s and 30s (or 40s).
It isn’t about “working out and staying fit” – that’s an incredibly common (and offensive) assumption. It also isn’t about letting oneself slide. There are realities to a body that has wear and tear on it from pregnancy, childbirth, and its after effects. For some of us – the fact that men our own age, many of whom are paunchy and far less active than we are, date considerably younger, pre-pregnant bodies. It’s as though once we give birth to children, if we aren’t sliced, nipped, tucked (or even if we are), we’re more disposable.
I dislike generalizations (and I know I just made one), and I will say that it isn’t all men, all women, or all anything. I will also say that in my experience, the “whole woman” is more appreciated in Europe – with or without the story of a full and interesting life which may leave its traces on her body. A body, incidentally, which knows the joy and gift of giving life.
We are a throw-away society. Women are thrown away on a regular basis. We are also dismissive of those who age – again, particularly women. It’s a shame. As for young women being more open-minded about sex? Another fallacy.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..I wish I may, I wish I might, understand my teen tonight!
Comment by dadshouse
| September 28th, 2009
Great points, all. BigLittleWolf – I agree women are celebrated in Europe more so than here. On the other hand, men in Silicon Valley are treated as somewhat disposable. Don’t make enough millions? You’ll be dropped like a hot potato. I have multiple male buddies whose wives divorced them when they only made a million or two, but the guy down the street made a hundred million. It’s pathetic. Also, I didn’t mean to say all younger women are more open-minded about sex – but I can definitively say that the younger women “I” have slept with were more adventurous than the older women I have slept with.
CelloGirl – yes, the icky factor in the older men younger women dating sweepstakes is important! That’s the main reason I did not be a lecher and get any phone numbers from these younger women in the coffee house.
Comment by Twenty Four At Heart
| September 28th, 2009
I think men are at their sexual best in their thirties. Just sayin’ …
I have a male acquaintance who says he “refuses to even look” at women who aren’t at least five years older than his youngest daughter. His youngest daughter is 22. He’s in his mid fifties.
Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..Spanderella
Comment by Kat Wilder
| September 28th, 2009
Gee, I would date men around my age, but most of them are overweight, balding and don’t have the stamina to keep up with me.
How does that sound?
But, it’s true.
If a man or a woman is attracted to someone older or younger, why the hell does there have to be a label attached to it?
I am a much better lover now that I’m middle aged because I know what I want and know how to ask for it — and give it. And I love it when a man, older or younger, can understand that whatever relationship we have is about the present, no “future” attached to it.
Dads, it seems like you’re feeling that you have to defend your lust for younger women. Why?
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..All the good men are taken, but don’t let that stop you
Comment by Zeina
| September 29th, 2009
I am a 23-year-old female, and honestly, older men, 40+ eyeing me or flirting with me used to creep me out. But recently I started going out with a 48-year-old man, divorced with 3 children. His eldest daughter is thankfully younger than me (though not by much). And regarding this article, I agree about older men being much more experienced sexually, and if I can add a comment, much more stable emotionally. Though the relationship can never become very serious, at least that, is made clear and established. And it does not interfere with the fact that he cares about me a great deal, is attracted to me, and is committed to me – until, I imagine the contradictions inherent in the relationship bring about its collapse. But for the time being, dating an older man is a big ego boost for me, I don’t need him to pay the bills or for dinner, I have a great job that pays well, but the sex is great, and he is not afraid of intimacy, and he feels lucky to be be with me. He takes me seriously, listens to my opinions and picks up the phone when I call.
Comment by dadshouse
| September 29th, 2009
Zeina – I love your last line, that the older man picks up the phone when you call. I find it so frustrating when people don’t answer their cell. My kids do it to me all the time. People these days tend to avoid voice time and real time. They’d rather text. On one of the local college radio stations (KSCU – Santa Clara University), a student DJ told a story about how she hates actually talking to people. It makes her nervous. She’d much rather text and IM.
So, I’m glad there are older men like your bf who still give voice time, and younger women like you who appreciate it. Older men younger women relationships offer some good things (same as older woman younger man might do.)
Comment by Matt
| October 5th, 2009
Yes, there are a lot of reasons that older men and younger women can be really good for each other.
However, there is one pretty major obstacle that often pops up when you’re with a woman much younger than yourself: It can be hard to find things that you both enjoy talking about.
Maybe this is something that can be overcome with practice. But I’ve had a couple of dates with younger women and this was the thing that made them feel a bit awkward. I just feel that women around my age are a lot easier to develop rapport with because they’ve been through a lot of the things I have.
Matt´s last blog ..Sport stars split
Comment by Gabrielle
| October 9th, 2009
I am in my early 20’s and I only date men that are older (atleast in their early 30’s). But I am very much marriage minded. I have found that older men suit me better. I have gone out with a couple of men in my age group and it was terrible (we don’t listen to the same music, hang out at the same places, or have very many interests in common). Older men generally are more laid back and are normally well established (I am not just talking about the financial but emotional and life goals as well) and they tend to have a pleatra of knowledge and I generally have more in common with them. As far as getting married I don’t know why people are saying that it has to be temporary because when I find the man that I intend to marry it will definately be an older man. Also, older men are often more prepared to settle down. Although I have found that if they don’t have kids already (and sometime even if they do) they want to have kids soon which as I am still in college I am not interested in for at least another 5 or 6 yrs.
Comment by Laney Landry
| October 16th, 2009
I’m also in my 20’s and prefer older men. I like that they know how to be considerate. I like that they are more calm and passed the rebellious stage that so many younger men are involved in. They don’t worry about being “cool” as they know who they are already. They’re financially comfortable and really don’t have to impress anyone. I feel very special on the arm of an older man. I know I’m respected and will be treated like I’m special. I know that when the lights are low, there will be passion. Older men are just the best.
Comment by meg
| October 23rd, 2009
I don’t really know if there is a reason behind but I’ve never dated anyone my age. They are older men. I don’t think its because they are better or anything. I don’t go looking for them(I haven’t “dated” in like 4 years this is a hilarious comment to me). If I meet them and I feel a connection then so be it. This is my age and thats theirs. We like it each other and we are going to rock it.
meg´s last blog ..Gone Platinum Or Crazy!
Comment by Matthew
| October 27th, 2009
I just recently turned 30, which I know really isn’t that old but lately I have been noticing/getting a lot more interest from the local college girls. Luckily I work near a major university campus, which of course helps, but it’s almost a completely different kind of attraction than what I was getting in my early to mid 20s. I think it must be a maturity thing, not sure.
Matthew´s last blog ..Vegetarian Dating Options?
Comment by Dugl
| November 7th, 2009
I am 54 and my gf is 31. She is a drop dead gorgeous blonde with sultry blue eyes and teaches water aerobics. She is with me partly because she was tired of guys who still enjoyed farting for effect, binge drinking with buddies or HAD to have a boys night out, and watched football in their underwear. She knows I appreciate her and she is the focus of all my attention. She says I make her feel loved, safe and give her security. We take cruises together and road trips….and we like the same music…in fact, she knows more about 70’s rock than I do. The sex ?…we’ve both learned from each other and it’s not all about our own personal pleasure. It also doesn’t end in 5 mins….she says she likes that.
Comment by Lyn
| November 9th, 2009
I don’t think men mature till at least their 40s, its a sad fact. Women as they age often enjoy being on their own, but men have much more trouble. Frankly I don’t know what they would do without them( women I mean). Recent research suggests men have trouble with retirement,h m m. Something to do with the fact they don’t tend to have a lot of interests, and habits die hard i.e. its harder to start new ones, habits I mean. Younger women are a distraction,they’re probably happy to please you. An older would rather be your equal, and not just in bed.Shes not interested in whether you are well hung, or have lots of sex appeal, and just a little older than her son. Nah, it takes a bit more than that. And frankly, if it doesn’t, then i’m not interested.
Comment by loriann
| November 9th, 2009
Plethora? ~ it’s the late forties part of me that couldn’t let it go….
Comment by Anni Taylor
| November 18th, 2009
I went out with a 49 year old when I was 20.
He was Italian with great skin – I thought he was in his 30s until later. I also didn’t have a clue how wealthy this guy was – he ended up asking me to live with him in Fort Lauderdale. He said I could spend every day painting – or he’d buy me my own business if I wanted it. No housework – he had maids for that, and we’d eat out every night.
I guess to many 20 year olds, that would all sound very attractive.
But – he hated the TV shows I liked, he hated the music I liked. His tastes in music, movies, his interests – started to seem pretty boring. We had very little in common. We went out to functions – and people looked down on me for being so young.
And his body – well – it was the body of a 49 year old male – even though his face looked young.
Women are very visual – and appreciate a nice male body. His body was nothing like the bodies of guys my own age. (Being dead honest.)
I think a relationship of greatly different ages CAN work – but only if the pair have a lot in common (just the same as any relationship.) That way, you overlook faults (that everyone has) and can build something meaningful.
Anni Taylor´s last blog ..Are we becoming swivel-chair potatoes?