Married Couples Partying Without Single Parents
This past weekend at a youth soccer game, one of the soccer dads was chatting with me about a mutual friend, George. “You should hear George go off at a party,” the soccer dad said. “He’s always telling funny stories!”
Rather than relish the thought of George being hilarious, I was struck by the fact I’m never invited to these adults-only events where George and the dad hang out.
This isn’t the first time I’ve heard about parties that the married couples throw. There have been some ragers over the years.
I wondered – how come the married couples don’t invite me to party with them? I assume it’s because I’m divorced and a single dad. When I was married, I was invited to parties, plenty.
Please know I’m not a social bore. At soccer team parties and games, the parents are quite entertained by my company. And my kids and I do occasionally get invited to BBQ hamburgers or grill chicken with other families.
It’s the adults-only parties I get left out of.
Maybe it’s because the moms make the social calendar, leaving me out of the loop. Or because other married folks are more comfortable with other married people. Or maybe they all have a moral distaste for divorce. Who knows?
I do my part and throw at least two cocktail parties every year (Bushwackers were a hit with the soccer moms), and I host dinner parties and BBQs on occasion. The invites simply aren’t extended back my direction.
Thankfully, I have other social outlets. I attended a party this past weekend with a mix of couples and singles who aren’t in the soccer or school social scene. (It was a weird tantric new-agey wine-tasting fest, with a ukulele player and tattooed belly dancers. Hey, I live in NorCal!)
But it sure would be nice if the married parents at my kids’ school or on their sports teams (i.e. the people I see every week) included me in their next raging adults-only bash.
Or even invited me to a quiet little dinner party.
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Comment by MommaSunshine
| October 12th, 2009
Divorce makes some people uncomfortable. Nothing personal, it’s just that sometimes some people don’t want to look too hard at their own situation, you know? Not that I’m saing this is the case here, but it’s one possible explanation.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..I am Loved
Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| October 12th, 2009
This has happened to me, also. Perhaps it’s not that you being divorced makes them uncomfortable, but maybe they feel you might be uncomfortable as a single mixed among the marrieds?
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Mental Illness
Comment by Sandy
| October 12th, 2009
I think it has nothing to do with marrieds being uncomfortable with divorced. I bet there are second marriages among the group. If it’s about discomfort, they may think you would be uncomfortable; if they think about it at all. The wives planning the guest list is a good possibility, too. Possibly if you had a steady woman in your life they would think of you.
When I was divorced my couples friends (which they all were) never stopped calling & inviting and just plain coming to get me when I said no. That’s what good friends do. I know in days past some married people, especially women, were fearful that the single women would go after their husbands. I think that may have changed some but since I’ve been out of the single scene for so long, I can’t say for sure.
I understand your feelings though. It sucks, especially when you often entertain them and they don’t reciprocate. Not sure how to handle it. My first thought is to eliminate them but that’s probably not the right thing to do.
Sandy´s last blog ..A Keyboard of Bloggers?
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| October 12th, 2009
I disagree with Ginger and Sandy, and I believe Momma Sunshine is much closer to the reality. Not only did most of the married friends I had (when married) disappear from my life over the first couple of years during/post divorce, but I haven’t been invited to a single adult (married) party since 2002. Those of us who are no longer with spouse, in the same house, in the same travel-in-paris world make them uncomfortable. Plain and simple. “If it could happen to her / him, it could happen to me…” (Thought. Not articulated. Acted upon.)
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Chick Flicks
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 12th, 2009
Good points above. I’ve noticed that when people are not getting invited to parties, it usually has nothing to do with their marital status. It has to do with whether or not you’ve been sort of… in the network of that group. You may see them at games, but most likely some of those people see one another on a different social basis. For instance, moms talk to one another a lot. Sometimes every day. So parties start getting planned, and people just talk about it and no official invite happens. They just know there’s a party and they are going. So since you are not in that “loop” you miss out on knowing that there is a party.
May not be the case, but worth considering.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Whoa Is Me!
Comment by Andrea
| October 12th, 2009
It’s probably all about the numbers. If you were invited there’d be 21 people instead of 20. Throws off the table settings.
Honestly? Who knows. Maybe it has to do with them being uncomfortable around divorced people or that you are the divorced dad of the group. Which seems odd because half the population of America is divorced. The divorced mom may get more invites if the woman is planning the party. It could also just be that you are school social friends but not nighttime social friends. I see plenty of moms at the bus stop I would not invite over for dinner.
Maybe they came across your blog… ;)
Andrea´s last blog ..Monday’s Muse: New York City
Comment by Senorita
| October 12th, 2009
Bushwackers ? What kinda name is that ?
Sometimes I think married couples just want married friends and don’t feel that they can relate to single people. I would see this subject broached in the Sex and the City series. (Not that I would actually know, I am not married)
Also, if I were a married woman, I wouldn’t exactly be chatting up single men. I would think my husband would have a problem with that.
Who knows what they are thinking ? Just a couple of guesses.
Senorita´s last blog ..Random Ramblings………
Comment by Ditz
| October 12th, 2009
I belong to some social groups that have parties that everyone is invited to(swim team and my bunco group). Other moms invite me to their ’sales’ parties (ie buy the tupperware) but the times of being invited over for dinner are long gone, except for a few close friends.
Comment by QTMama
| October 12th, 2009
You know this is interesting … I don’t know that I’ve experienced this yet. Or, maybe I have and just don’t know it cuz I wasn’t invited.
Dammit.
QTMama´s last blog ..QTMama’s Mama and DJBlueEyes
Comment by Mindy/Single Mom Says...
| October 12th, 2009
I get what you mean David. There is defintely a difference in my social life now that I am divorced and single. I am no longer invited to the parties couples in the neighborhood/from the kids’ schools throw either. I know for a fact (because I was told) that the women didn’t want me around their husbands after my marriage ended. Like the others said; I’m an ugly reminder that it could very well be them. Also some women are so insecure in their marriages they feel that we (divorcees) pose a threat but in reality that is just making us the scapegoat and keeps them from looking at their own inadequacies and vulnerabilities in their marriage.
Mindy/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Single Mom’s Open Letter to President Obama
Comment by Newbe
| October 12th, 2009
You have mentioned that both you and your ex attend the soccer games. Another thought could be that the couples planning the parties don’t want to choose who to be friendlier with; you or your ex. So neither of you are on the list.
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| October 12th, 2009
Believe me – it’s not about an even number at the dinner table. And it isn’t even about the possibility of running into an ex (mine is far, far away). If you’re “younger,” you make some people uncomfortable in that they think you’ll be on the make for a spouse. If you’re “older,” the “it could happen to me” is even more frightening to those who knew-you-when…
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Hard dates, soft dates, and other such matters…
Comment by dadshouse
| October 12th, 2009
It’s probably a mix of all the theories being put out. Some parents don’t want to pick sides between me and my ex. Some don’t want me around the wives. Some want an even number. Some want to socialize with couples – so the men can talk, and the women can talk. If I’m there, the mom has no one to talk to (unless she and I talk, then the dad has no one to talk to) Oy. If it’s a big party, no one will notice if I’m alone. Plus – I can always bring a DATE!!!
At any rate, it’s been going on for years. It just struck me this past weekend when yet another party was mentioned.
Comment by Danielle
| October 12th, 2009
My thoughts are, why would a single guy/gal want to hang out with couples only. Wouldn’t you rather be around other single people? So if they are inviting other singles, than maybe you would be on the list.
Plus the common interest thing. Aren’t all single people crazy partiers? :)
Danielle´s last blog ..Things that make me go Hmmmm
Comment by Keith Wilcox
| October 12th, 2009
I don’t get invited to parties, ever. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve been to a party since I was in college. Of course, I guess I’d have to have friends to get invited to a party :-)
In your case, I’m guessing it’s because, like you said, women make the schedules and they probably don’t know what to do about you. They probably feel weird about it so they just ignore the subject. Sucks.
Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Life Saving Fitness
Comment by Laura
| October 12th, 2009
I havent experienced this much in terms of my kids school cos right now they arent really involved in sport and the moms I have made friends with are all single too!
But I can see it happening :) So I would rather actually avoid the whole thing all together really!
Laura´s last blog ..Hancock
Comment by LB
| October 12th, 2009
This is an interesting topic, and as you mentioned when you are single it is very obvious. I have noticed this more amongst the school families. I always feel that they are socially nice but that I dont really fit in with them. I have many married couples that don’t mind me hanging around them yet when it comes to school families that is not the case.
I think many of you mentioned that it is because it makes them feel uncomfortable. As for me I am not uncomfortable, and it would be nice to go to an event that is not about “singles” on occassion. Go socialize have a good time and not have the pressure of someone seeing you as a potential date. There are times I am tired of being classed as “Divorced” or “Single” I just want to fit in and have fun with everyone else.
As a single parent you are really a class of your own, you don’t always fit in with the married couples and you dont fit in with the singles without kids who have the leisure of doing whatever they please. I wouldnt trade my situation for the world, I just wish others were as comfortable with it as I am.
LB´s last blog ..Venus and Mars in the eyes of a 2nd grader.
Comment by T
| October 12th, 2009
Hmmm… funny, I haven’t thought about this until reading your post. It has been a while since I was invited to a party.
Then again, I have run into the whole wives-feeling-threatened because I am single. (And I’ve actually run into the whole men-feeling-threatened because they think I’m going to hit on their wives and/or convince their wives that being single is more fun.)
Did you ever think to say something like, “Well, I’d love to see George at a party! Why don’t I bring some beer the next time you all get together?”
I’d do it. Then I’d have myself a grand old time! :)
T´s last blog ..Overthinkers Anonymous
Comment by Honey
| October 12th, 2009
I echo those people who say they haven’t been invited to a party in a long time. I get invited to lots of things through my sorority alum group, but not much that is truly social with people that I consider close friends.
Or perhaps Jake and I are being ostracized because, while we are a couple, we are both still “single”?
Honey´s last blog ..A Misunderstanding, Finally Cleared
Comment by dadshouse
| October 12th, 2009
Danielle – I would rather hang out with parents than childless singles. By far most of the parents I know are married. I have very few single parent friends (outside of the blogosphere). I’m too old for the crazy singles stuff!
Comment by Nancy
| October 12th, 2009
it’s the same reason single people don’t get invited to couples parties: too threatening.
Comment by Nancy
| October 12th, 2009
oh…and here’s another topic: what’s so scary or uninteresting or (insert reason here) about hanging out with childless singles? i’m a childless single who’s not necessarily doing ‘crazy singles stuff’…but then again, now that i’m writing…i’d probably opt not to hang out with parents…that can get awfully boring…hearing about all of the wonderful things their (always) ‘advanced placement’ or ‘honors’ student children are doing…talk about a buzz-killing convo…just sayin’
Comment by Abby Carter
| October 12th, 2009
I don’t think its a male only phenomenon. I have the same trouble. Who wants a sad old widow at a party, right? I do think there is a threat factor, but I don’t think that is the whole story. I suspect part of it is that people just don’t think of you when you are only one. Not sure why that is, but they think only in couples. I am like you with very few unmarried friends. And soccer is absolutely no help (especially now that my little star is out for the season).
Maybe we should plan an across the country singles party. No couples allowed.
Abby Carter´s last blog ..What the Hell is Entropy Anyway?
Comment by kmn
| October 12th, 2009
I’ve been in this situation too, but I don’t really think people feel threatened. When newly divorced they might be uncomfortable not knowing what to say. I think it has more to do with what you have in common outside of your kids school and sports. Parents might get together with the group when it’s about the sport (pasta parties anyone?), but within that group some people will become better friends than others. Even when all are married.
The comment this guy made was pretty thoughtless. I remember being at a book club that I belonged to and one woman who made a point of saying in front of everyone that she would see a couple of the other women later at “the cookout.” What? I’m not invited? Totally rude.
Comment by Heather
| October 12th, 2009
Well that’s just rude!
Heather´s last blog ..Not me Monday!
Comment by dadshouse
| October 12th, 2009
Nancy – childless singles can be very interesting! So can childless couples (one of my sailing buddies falls into that category) I just have a lot in common with other parents. We’re all talking about the college application process right now, since our daughter’s on the club soccer team are all high school seniors. It’s nice to share insights and perspectives.
I used to have some single friends who drink like crazy, and I could never bar hop with them. I need to be able to think and be awake the next day!
Kmn – I have another set of friends who often talk about the big family campout they do every year with other families they are friends with. My family is friends too, but we’re never included. Why put it in my face like that? (Sigh)
Where is Miss Manners when you need her!!!
Comment by Nancy
| October 12th, 2009
…generalizations are never a good strategy…of course single, childless people can be interesting or boring; childless couples can be interesting or boring…just like married people with children can be boring or interesting. it’s probably better for most people, married, single, divorced, childless or not, to consider that people have a myriad of experiences which make up their lives and allow people of all different experiences and/or backgrounds…life situations, to relate to one another in many settings, parties, family events, etc. personally, i’ve found that parties and/or events which include a variety of people are the MOST interesting and the LEAST boring.
Comment by caligirl94117
| October 12th, 2009
As a childless single who lurks here, I wonder why it’s easier to be with other parents. I’ve applied to college and can empathize with what your child is going through and would be a good listener. I might also want to carry on a conversation that is about YOU, in addition to your children. I know parents love their children, but why not spend time with people who are interested in YOU. I sense that you’re establishing another exclusive identity in the same way that marrieds do by excluding you.
Comment by Kim
| October 13th, 2009
Well, if they read your blog, they all now how you feel now.
Comment by Emom
| October 17th, 2009
I have been a single mom since just after my son was born 14 years ago. I have always been very active in his class, and athletic events. I have been very hurt recently, having found out that while I am invited to mom’s night out dinners (occaisionlly), I am never invited to couple or family gatherings, and my son is friends with all of their kids. Now I am very aware of the mom cliques, and yes they are very real, but come on what is up? I am the only single parent in the entire group of parents. I am finding out about all these parties at my son’s football games, when they mention to each other how much fun they all had. Excuse me, I’m sitting right here! Now that we are in high school my son is telling me (sage advice) to make new friends. I guess he heard me growing up, but it is still hurtful.