Divorce Separation – Living Together Under One Roof
My wife and I were married for 9 years and had 2 children when we first talked about getting divorced. We’d already been through three different stints of couples counseling to address various issues. But some differences between us were irreconcilable, and we felt it was time to separate.
Ten months later, I moved out.
We lived separated, under one roof, for nearly a year. Why so long? We feared how divorce would affect our children (age 3 and 7 at the time). We feared we might regret legally ending our marriage, then want to reconcile. In short, we feared pulling the trigger to end our marriage for good.
How was it living separated under one roof? Very difficult! But we survived. Here’s how we pulled it off.
Weekday mornings: I would get up early, eat breakfast, and head to work before my wife or the kids woke up. She’d have breakfast with the kids, and get them to day care and school.
Weekday lunch: I’d often go visit my youngest child in day care. We both needed that contact.
Weekday evenings: I’d come home first, pick up the kids from day care and after-school care, cook dinner, give them baths. Some nights I’d read to them and tuck them into bed before my wife came home. Other nights, she’d do that and I’d retire early. Either way, I went to sleep while my wife stayed up late.
(Let me say for the record, it was miserable having a wife stay out late every night. She wasn’t hanging out in bars, she usually worked late. But she did have a social life with other adults, something I sorely lacked. I guess there’s always one “fun parent” in divorce.)
Weekends: we’d take turns spending the day with the kids, sometimes leaving town without the other parent.
As for sleeping, we didn’t have an extra room, so my wife and I stayed in the same bed. Though for the amount we touched each other, we could have been on different continents.
A buddy of mine took a different approach to living separated under one roof while going through his divorce. He moved his family into a condo that had shared common rooms but a separate entrance for each bedroom. He and his wife slept in totally different ends of the condo, behind locked doors, which meant he could date and bring women home while living in the same place as his wife. Crazy, but it worked for him. (Yes, some single dads are womanizers and partiers. That doesn’t mean we all are.)
I will say, once my wife and I acted on our divorce, and I moved out, and we told the kids – our kids were happy that the tension in the house was finally relieved. None of us wanted our family to collapse, but we all wanted a more peaceful home.
- Divorce And Relationship Advice Books
- Birthday Traditions for Children of Divorce
- Secrets to Single Parent Success
- A Great Child Custody Schedule for Divorced Parents
- Divorce Coparenting – How to Deal With an Ex
- Jon and Kate Divorce – What the Future May Hold
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Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| October 14th, 2009
I couldn’t imagine having to see my husband every day once we decided to divorce. Sounds like you guys did everything you could to make the transition as smooth as possible for the kids, though.
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Totally Music Tuesday
Comment by MommaSunshine
| October 14th, 2009
My ex and I lived under the same roof for five months. We’d planned originally for it to be up to a year or more…but with our arrangements, it just wasn’t possible. I was still very much fulfilling the role of stay at home wife and mom (I was cleaning and cooking meals and caring for the children). We still ate meals together as a family. When I met someone else and wanted to start dating, it quickly became very awkward and I moved out earlier than originally planned.
I’m always impressed by those couples who find ways of making co-habitation work after their separation. It’s definitely not easy!
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..It’s Official…
Comment by Me Thinks
| October 14th, 2009
Okay, the last paragraph is exactly why I think this is a bad idea and the whole reason I believe divorce is necessary when issues can’t be resolved. You aren’t doing your kids any favors by staying together – you are presenting a dysfunctional relationship model to them.
My brother and his wife are pretty miserable but they stay together for their twins who are 9. He commutes so he’s gone M-Th and then he is pretty much the FT parent the other days so it’s like a comprimise. I can’t even stand to visit, it is so tense there. He stays married because he’s afraid she would take the kids away and rake him over the coals financially, but I worry about the real damage they are doing.
Comment by Senorita
| October 14th, 2009
Wow, that sounded like a miserable 10 months. I am shocked that you guys didn’t even touch her in the same bed for ten months. You guys didn’t have a weak moment or something like that ?
Senorita´s last blog ..Halloween
Comment by Senorita
| October 14th, 2009
Oops, I meant to says that I was shocked that you didn’t end up touching her while sharing the bed. Not “you guys”. That would’ve been an interesting though.
Hahaha, sorry way to early, and I really need my coffee.
Senorita´s last blog ..Halloween
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| October 14th, 2009
I know other couples who have done this as well, and it’s always terribly difficult I think. Those I know who have done it managed extended periods of time – generally not more than a year or 18 months, and either due to the age of the children, or so one might finish out a school without being disturbed by a move or emotional drama. I always find it a testament to the quality of love the parents have for the children involved, whatever they may be going through.
My hat is off to both of you on this one.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Remarriage Rules of Grammar: Past Imperfect, Future Conditional?
Comment by staciesmadness
| October 14th, 2009
Now living under separate roofs, I like this way much better. As you said, tension is gone. Love it.
staciesmadness´s last blog ..Fit of giggles.
Comment by Danielle
| October 14th, 2009
If this post wasn’t meant for me than, just humor me and let me think it was. :)
My husband sleeps in my daughters room and she sleeps with me. It is very uncomfortable. I am angry and I am affecting our live with it. I know that my daughter feels it since she yells at the kids in daycare like mommy yells at him. I will be out next weeken, but it hasn’t been fun for a while.
So, good for you for being able to make it work. I am not big enough!
Danielle´s last blog ..
Comment by Dave
| October 14th, 2009
David,
I enjoyed the post. I recently went through some very similar circumstances with my divorce. I have posted some tips on my blog on this subject that may interest some of your readers. You can find that post here:
http://www.omniswami.com/2009/05/25-tips-divorce-advice-for-living-with-your-soon-to-be-ex/
Keep up the great work – I enjoy reading.
Dave
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 14th, 2009
I’m with Me Thinks.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..Whoa Is Me!
Comment by kmn
| October 14th, 2009
Boy do I remember the tension! It took 5 months for him to find a place and move out. While we were under the roof he did not make it easy. He let the kids know that this was what I wanted and he did not. I knew I had given it everything I had. It was probably the most stressful times in my life.
I agree with Me Thinks.
Comment by Newbe
| October 14th, 2009
I’m living this right now. We decided to get divorced in February, filed for bankruptcy in April, and I’ve been trying to look for a job since last November. I’ve been an at-home mom for 5 years and it’s very difficult to re-enter the workforce, especially now. Neither one of us can afford to move out, so we have separate rooms. I must say that the kids (2 boys, ages 17 and 12) have been champs. They understand it’s not easy for anybody right now.
My soon-to-be-ex posted something on his facebook last week, expressing his frustration that I didn’t have a job yet, and that I needed to move out. That was humiliating for me, and our 17 year old, so he removed his dad from his friends list so he wouldn’t have to see that kind of stuff.
A family member just called today with a possible living arrangement for me, so this could all come to an end soon. Thanks for this post. It really hit home.
Comment by ilinap
| October 14th, 2009
My parents stayed together way too long “for the sake of the kids.” And wow were we fucked up because of it. It was hard, yet a blessing, when my mom moved out. Funny to have read this today because my 6 yr old came home from school asking me what it means “to break up.” After some prying he explained that his friend from school told him that her mom and dad live in separate houses because they broke up. God willing that won’t happen here.
ilinap´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Headlock Love
Comment by Jim
| October 14th, 2009
My wife wanted a divorce but didn’t want to move out so she slept on the couch and I slept on the bed, but she was gone from Friday morning until Monday evening every weekend, finally I had had enough of that situation. I stated that I would move out as long as I could see the kids every weekend, she agreed. I moved into an apartment and saw the kids every weekend and took them to school every day. I spent the year in an apartment and was able to sort things out, got my head on straight and re-bought the house from her and moved back in with the kids. The kids see her occasionally but that’s about it. I am a full time single dad, yes I am exhausted and yes I am broke providing for the kids, but I am grateful for this situation.
Comment by StudentMama
| October 14th, 2009
My husband and I went to our counselor today and told her about our plans to stay together under one roof despite separating. She strongly discouraged it, although financially – we don’t have a lot of options right now. Plus, life would dramatically change for our daughter – the ideal would be a slower progression out of the home.
It sounds like things can be quite different emotionally, even if both parents are present physically. Who knows if it’s possible for us, but I hope it is. I read it’s very common, in this economy, for a separated couple to stay under one roof. Doesn’t make it easier.
Seeing the situation outlined does help. It shows how difficult it can be, but possible.
StudentMama´s last blog ..A wonderful quote
Comment by Sandy
| October 14th, 2009
I couldn’t do that. Once I knew my ex was going, I wanted him GONE! But we didn’t have kids so that’s a major factor in how and why you did what you did. But sleeping in the same bed?! No way. I’m sure you’re glad it’s long over.
Sandy´s last blog ..The Wonders of Nature
Comment by SDMktg
| October 16th, 2009
I did it for about two months and it was the worst two months ever. She moved into the guest room but it was still awful. We fought all the time and sadly that’s all the kids (who were 3 at the time) remember about us as a family. There was one night she got so mad I locked the bedroom door when I went to bed.
I had to get the child sharing arrangements worked out before I moved so that when I did leave the kids had their own rooms at my new place and we had a schedule set up so they could live with me half of the time. It was worth it but it was brutal. I worked out every chance I got.
SDMktg´s last blog ..“Quick Count” Ultimate Party Meatballs
Comment by cbg2
| October 16th, 2009
Story request: can you reach back in your memory when you were setting up your house on your own and help those of us in the same boat? Some ideas:
- house essentials (kid’s rooms, etc)
- cooking essentials (what’s useful for you 30min dinners?)
- decorating for guys (filling blank walls)
- first parties/dinners you hosted (funny stories, what would you have done differently?)
Comment by T
| October 16th, 2009
Yikes. You slept in the same bed??
My ex and I tried living together after separating with him living in the bonus room upstairs. He traveled all the time so we thought it could work. The girls and I were find when he was gone. When he was home, however, the tension was awful and all of us felt it.
I was also still taking care of the bills and such. I didn’t enjoy seeing lots of girl’s phone numbers on his cell phone bills… I couldn’t take him f**king around while living in the same house with me and the kids.
It only lasted 3 months before I begged him to move out.
T´s last blog ..Bookshelf
Comment by T
| October 16th, 2009
Yikes, a spelling and grammatical error in my comment makes me a little crazy.
But I’m not OCD, I swear! ;)
T´s last blog ..Bookshelf
Comment by Holli
| October 17th, 2009
Great honest and interesting post. My parents lived separated but in the same house (separate bedrooms) for 20 years!!!
It was horrible and tense growing up with that.
When they finally moved apart and divorced they have become great friends and have never been happier!!!
Holli´s last blog ..Stumps to spark action abroad – Ghanaians plant the seed locally!
Comment by krn
| October 17th, 2009
Wow, the same bed. That would be very difficult. Glad you’ve moved on and are now back to a naked spooning phase. Much better~
:)
Comment by Joker_SATX
| October 21st, 2009
I can so relate to this….
Comment by Haeree
| October 28th, 2009
Hello Mr. Mott,
I’m currently doing research on co-parenting and perhaps pursuing an angle about families living together even though they are separated. Would you be willing to be interviewed and discuss your experience and insight?
Comment by ramerican
| November 3rd, 2009
I just want to say that this post in much of what I am doing. For the last 8 plus years I have lived with my ex for my childrens sake. For the longest time we got along just great-no fighting. Within the last year or so, we fight weekly-
I am confused as to what leaving will do for our kids. We put on this great face when they are around, and withhold our anger and fighting for when the are gone. This all feels very fake to me. Our youngest is 10, so we think 8 more years and we are free from eachother. I do not know if this is going to be possible for 8 more years without the children getting hurt. Its harder and harder for us to withhold our emotions-
We purchased a home 8 months ago, and we did this for the children-this is their home-he will not leave, and I cannot leave without my kids-Im feeling stuck!
Thank you for sharing your story here-
Comment by Wendy
| January 1st, 2010
I’m new at this too…my husband wants to seperate as of 20 days ago…we all, four kids, and myself are very raw in hearing this information! Now what? Middle of the school year, I want to work on the marriage concepts he says need to be different, we are all sad, my husband wants his space, he feels guilty everytime he comes home at night, he feels he is ruining five other peoples lives…we have been together for 20 years and now I desire to grant his wishes, but the kids are suffering so badly with his selfish pain of not wanting to be together anymore (he was never meant to be married…his quote). Do we finish out the school year under the same roof? Do I give up hope for my marriage? If he moves out, he will be an hour away from our home currently…the kids can’t imagine and I can’t do all of this alone.
Comment by Candle
| January 6th, 2010
Never Do It, Unless you are both emotionally separate.You are trying to live a lie, I have been living with the ex for 3 of the longest, torturous, roller coaster years of my life. It was for the kids he gave up on, He turned out to be the “good guy and I the bad. He wanted all the perks of marriage including family holidays,I gave in, For someone to come and go as they like, be emotionless, uncaring,semifaithful,yet still want sex,lunch and clean house.There were great times,yet there were many more tremendusly worse,
I ended up losing everything in this icluding some sanity.I have gave up famiy, freinds, life and true happiness.What I was swallowed by half truths.I learned is, If the other gives up…Let Go.
Comment by Adriaan
| February 18th, 2010
She’s told me a few days ago its over. I don’t want to let go. I am the one who wants it to work, but I know she only wants to stay because she has no choice. Now joking and saying it will be fun – what the hell. Pretend my heart don’t break into a thousand pieces every time I think of our dead marriage. So much for better of for worse. Just sad and angry and foolishly hopeful. I should have seen this coming, none so blind as those who don’t want to see. I am sorry my love, sorry for not taking better care of you.
Comment by micheal
| February 22nd, 2010
Not sure when it started initially, but i first reared its head about 2 years ago. My wife seemed “off”. She seemed to be looking for a fight, picking on things and such. One day she left her facebook open, so i looked through her messages. The same name over and over. A guy she worked with. At first the messages were not much, then as it the messages got on, they became more intamit. Not dirty but almost loving. I brought the guys name up with her and she said they were just friends. I backed down, and let it go for a week or so. Then i checked the messages again, and it turned a even more about “hanging out” and “maybe kissing just to see”.
Thats when it crossed the line for me. Again i confronted her, told her its me or him. That she would have to choose.
She said she would stay. She didnt know why she did it, she said she felt like she had fallen “out of love” with me. We cried alot. I cried because i truly loved her. I felt betrayed. I thought i had given her all that she wanted ,3 beautiful children, house, dog, girl trips etc. My heart.
I went to councelling, it helped a bit.
After some arguing she said she would come with me. She wanted to deal with this herself. We went once. It came out that she felt that she missed out on stuff (we met in college and have been together for 14 years). The whole grass was greener thing. But at the same time she couldnt see why she wanted anything more (she knows i love her and adore her).
She was told that maybe she should see a councellor on her own. She did, once. She would do it on her own.
Things slid back into the way they were. We got along as best we could with 3 boys and each others jobs. I was gaining my trust in her back.
Then a few weeks ago she started texting another guy at work, at first as a joke, then, flirting, then, i dont know what else (not sure i want to). I asked her to stop. She she told me it was nothing, she was just having fun. Then i told her to stop. She said i couldnt tell her what to do, that i was smothering her. She didnt have to answer to me. She wanted freedom. So i took of my ring and said she could have all the freedom she wanted.
Again, she didnt love me the way i loved her any more. We have drifted apart. She gave it a try. But being married wasnt for her. She feels like she missed out on things.
I told her to leave. If she wanted freedom, just leave.
She wont. She wont leave her house and her kids. She just wants to leave me. She said to give her space. She says -”maybe things will work out and we can come out of this stronger”.
Im not leaving. I never regetted getting married. Not once. Why should i leave. So im staying. We both wont leave the kids or house (and cant afford it either).
Now i sleep on the sofa. Her in the bed.
She is going to councelling in a few days. I hope it helps. I know she has some dark issues she needs to (and has never)address.
I go to councelling in the morning. So i let her work through her things. How do i give her the space she needs? How much space? How much time? She wants six months. If i do that, do i have the strengh?
Im scared that when she figures out what she wants, im not it.
Im scared that when she figures out what she wants, it will be too late, if i am it.
I know that i have to let her go, but i dont know if i can. It seems like a whole lot to risk, to find out, everything was infront of you. I hope it will be worth it in the end. Whatever the “end” is.