Is Divorce a Crime? David Brooks Might Think So
I recently had the pleasure of hearing New York Times Op-Ed columnist David Brooks speak in Silicon Valley as part of the Celebrity Forum Speaker Series. Let me just say – I was shocked at some of the things David Brooks said about divorce.
Or rather, things he didn’t say about divorce… I’ll explain in a minute.
It’s safe to call David Brooks a thought leader and opinion shaper in the United States. Besides rendering his opinion for the New York Times since 2003, he has held editorial positions with Newsweek, The Weekly Standard, and appears regularly on The Newshour with Jim Lehrer. He’s held posts throughout the world for the Wall Street Journal. He speaks on NPR. He’s covered the Senate. He’s met with Obama.
In short, David Brooks has reach.
During his talk at Celebrity Forum, David Brooks told quite a few funny stories. Trust me, the older women knitting in the row behind me laughed just as loud as me.
But on at least three occasions (by my count), I heard Mr. Brooks lump “divorce” into a sentence that was loaded with criminal things. For instance,
“crime, drug use, divorce, …”
The old ladies with their knitting needles gasped and tsked-tsked at the evil images Mr. Brooks painted.
To which I say, WTF!? Since when is divorce a crime? Last I checked, my marital separation was perfectly legal. Not only that, it took a government act to make my divorce official.
I don’t remember David Brooks ever explaining why he lumped divorce with crime and drug use. He simply did it. On three occasions! (by my count). I don’t get it.
Did he want people to associate divorce with crime? (A Rush Limbaugh tactic, if ever there was one.)
I have news for Mr. Brooks – there are a lot of divorced people in the United States. Around half of all first marriages end in divorce. Are you suggesting we lock these people up? Or pass laws to force them to stay married? Some couples need to separate, for a variety of reasons – abuse, infidelity, irreconcilable differences.
I’m not saying divorce is something married couples should aspire to. I’m simply accepting that divorce sometimes happens. Hell, it happened to me. We learn, grow, evolve. Life goes on.
David Brooks went on to discuss the ability of men to communicate emotions. Meaning Mr. Brooks projected his own inability onto every man. (To which I once again say, WTF!?)
It went something like this (I’m paraphrasing, not quoting):
Researchers scanned the brains of men while those men watched a horror film, then scanned those same brains when the men were asked to communicate their emotions. And you know what? The brain scans from the two events were exactly the same!
The knitting crowd behind me chuckled and clucked approval.
Once again, I have news for Mr. Brooks. There are a lot of men in the world who can communicate emotionally. I know that not all men are comfortable doing this, but some clearly are. It’s not necessarily a generational thing. I happen to be around David Brooks’ same age, and I have no problem speaking or writing what I feel.
Why does Mr. Brooks feel all men are emotional klutzes? I’m guessing it’s from everything he’s been through in his life.
If you put the two together – a divorced single dad raising his kids solo, forced to communicate emotionally (since there is no woman around) – you might end up like Clive Owen’s character in The Boys Are Back – a bumbling oaf who doesn’t know how to deal, and ends up eliminating all parenting and household rules. (I suspect Mr. Brooks would be in this category, along with the husbands of all those clucking and knitting ladies in the row behind me.)
Or take another divorced single dad who is raising his kids alone, and you might end up with someone more evolved – a man who can communicate emotionally. Someone who has heartfelt talks with his teen daughter about sex and dating, and shares emotionally tender moments with his son.
In other words, some divorced parents are more evolved than married wonks like David Brooks.
I can hear those knitting women gasp in shock. Sorry, ladies, but some men – perhaps a minority, but they do exist – some men communicate emotionally, without problem.
David Brooks might do well as a thought leader and opinion shaper to promote more positive images of divorce and of men when he speaks. What does society gain by hammering home the thought of divorced people as criminals, and men as emotionally bumbling fools?
Then again, what do I know? I’m just a divorced man.
Now then, can the prison guard please bring me my crack pipe? I’m done with this post.
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Comment by Kat Wilder
| October 21st, 2009
Mr. Brooks, for all his brains, likes to rely on unsubstantiated generalizations, like this NYT op-ed from May 25, 2006:
Middle-class people are increasingly likely to raise kids in stable two-parent homes, while kids in poorer families are increasingly less likely to have these advantages.
Stable? Hmmm ….
But, let’s not fool ourselves; divorce does a lot of disruptive things to almost all involved. Except in rare cases where there’s abuse and addictions, a divorce isn’t all that great for kids, no matter how good the exes are co-parenting. It’s not something to celebrate, but it is a reality.
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Honesty’s the best policy, except when it’s not
Comment by Keith Wilcox
| October 21st, 2009
Yeah, that’s pretty stupid. Some people, like you say, are better off divorced. I actually think divorce should be encouraged in some circumstances. When kids are involved and parents can’t stop yelling at each other or just making the lives of the kids miserable then I’d say divorce is the best option. Anyway, to lump divorce in with murder might not register with a lot of people, but to a divorced guy with kids I’d say it obviously would. It’s like people who make assumptions about stay at home dads. Like answering the door and they ask if the lady of the house is there (you wrote about that once) and you say, “duh, here I am”. Certain things register with certain people. A divorced person would definitely take exception to that comparison.
Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Barbie Girl Commercials
Comment by Just Me...
| October 21st, 2009
Divorce and the reasons behind it, while not criminal, can be devastating on everyone. And while I don’t think that people who lump bad things into one sentence are necessarily trying to brain-wash you (Rush Limbaugh included), there are the limitations of time and space that require you include them all into one sentence..
Like, alcohol, tobacco and firearms.. Somewhere, there are people who think all three are evil.. And where I grew up, they were simply a recipe for a helluva party.. It’s viewpoint only.. :):)
Just Me…´s last blog ..Overwhelmed and under stress…
Comment by Mindy/Single Mom Says...
| October 21st, 2009
No, divorce is not a crime but it’s not something to boast about either. Like crime and drug use, divorce is viewed by society as a personal failure and they think the divorced person must have done something wrong.
After a divorce people often respond to you differently and friendships change or cease altogether. It’s like divorce is the plague and others are afraid to catch it so they avoid you.
I can understand why David Brooks included divorce in what ails society. There IS a lot of negative fallout from divorce for all involved.
Mindy/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Proposed Solution to Reform Child Support Laws & Enforcement
Comment by Sue
| October 21st, 2009
Well, I’m scared to comment as a divorced female since I’ve now been labeled a “criminal”.
But leaving that marriage is the proudest thing I have ever done. For me and my girls.
So arrest me, I say.
Sue´s last blog ..Determining Your Purpose in Life
Comment by T
| October 21st, 2009
Hmmm…. like anything else, people will throw out their opinions if they lack experience about a topic. It is really easy to lump all these things together when, as mentioned by your commenters, you look at the fallout from divorce in most situations.
I can see where this would tick you off, David, because you and your co-parenting relationship with your ex, are an exception to Mr. Brooks’ rule. There will always be exceptions and there will always be inexperienced opinions.
It is up to you whether or not you take it personally.
T´s last blog ..Wellness Arsenal
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| October 21st, 2009
Part of what is so frightening about this episode is that the man is a thought leader. We remain members of a society that scans headlines and in which many (most?) look to be led, but don’t look deeply enough at who is leading, as they jump on board to follow behind a few sound bites and easy answers.
I certainly agree that divorce is a significant problem in our country. But it isn’t the fact that those who are poorly matched or in emotionally / physically abusive relationships (and worse) are divorcing. They need to do so – but taking care to protect the interests of the children and their own interests.
Moreover, in my opinion, the underlying problems have more to do with (a) the ease with which one can marry; (b) continued societal pressure to do so; and (c) a very broken legal system when it comes to divorce and in particular issues of custody and child support.
The costs and turmoil left in the wake of all that are very high – and certainly, our children pay for it.
I wish everyone considering marriage would take their time, think twice, think three times, and look beyond the immediate rosy picture of their mate or their sense of well-being in imagining themselves as a couple. And our legislators have much to deal with when it comes to the repercussions of divorce (poverty, troubled kids) – and it’s certainly tied into our health care crisis.
Criminals? Absurd. The facile judgment of those who make these pronouncements? Shameful, and worse – destructive.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Married sex! (An oxymoron?)
Comment by Paula
| October 21st, 2009
Of course you know David, all of these things are due to our lack of being good Christians like we were intended to be……..being from a Christian nation all all.
BARF. Heave.
I say he’s a closet crazy. Coming out. Spounds like a wackjob to me. Probably has a Palin poster in the bedroom.
Comment by Senorita
| October 21st, 2009
Wow………
I didn’t know you could find such a guy in the SF Bay Area. You are just that resourceful !
Poor frustrated middle-aged, married man. He probably still believes the old advice that masturbating can make you blind. I bet he hasn’t even had marital sex in a few years.
If he thinks divorce is such a crime, I wonder what he would think about single mothers. You know what I think he needs ? I think he needs to have a steamy affair with Anne Coulter.
Senorita´s last blog ..Sexy Stocks
Comment by trinity67
| October 21st, 2009
David Brooks is an ass.
trinity67´s last blog ..THE ECONOMY EFFING SUCKS.
Comment by dadshouse
| October 21st, 2009
T – you can also choose whether to sit silent on the sideline when supposed thought leaders bandy about the term “divorce” in the same sentence as crime and drug use. David Brooks did that three times, and never once went into depth. I know time and space were a precious commodity. Does that grant him permission to shit on divorced people? Not in my book.
I took even more offense to his “brain scan” story about horror movies and emotional communication. I’m truly sorry David Brooks hasn’t evolved. Worse yet that he’s an opinion shaper.
Did you know David Brooks is in the Dickipedia? A Wiki of Dicks! http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=David_Brooks
Comment by Dave
| October 21st, 2009
I have to agree with Mindy – well said.
Divorce is a mess for adults and far worse for kids. Children of divorce have much more to cope with than the children of a GOOD marraige. If kids have married parents who hate each other or are abusive though, that trumps the divorce situation tenfold.
I couldn’t agree more with this, “David Brooks might do well as a thought leader and opinion shaper to promote more positive images of divorce and of men when he speaks.”
That is a topic that really gets me going: http://www.omniswami.com/2009/10/divorcing-a-narcissist-arent-we-all/
Great post!
Dave´s last blog ..Debt Relief Comes With Personality Changes
Comment by Andrea
| October 21st, 2009
Paula’s comment was great – Palin poster in the bedroom, lol.
He sounds like he has no idea what he’s talking about (or he’s talking about himself). If his theory is divorced men are emotionally incapable then what would he say about divorced women?
Anyway, go forth and spread your crime, drugs and divorce DadsHouse and be done with it. ;)
Andrea´s last blog ..The God Question: Otherwise known as stuff in my head
Comment by Person Person
| October 21st, 2009
Try this search:
http://www.google.com/search?q=%22crime%2C+drug+use%2C+divorce%22&sourceid=navclient-ff&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1B3GGGL_enUS278US278&aq=t
You get about 368 instances of this word combination. Most of them religion-related, granted.
“… to promote more positive images of divorce … ” – I am sorry, I do not see how divorce can be positive when there are kids involved. It happens, yes, it is not the end of the world, yes, well except for kids it is.
Comment by Senorita
| October 22nd, 2009
David,
I answered your burning financial question on my blog.
Senorita´s last blog ..What was I thinking ?????
Comment by ilinap
| October 22nd, 2009
A crime is staying in an unfulfilling, unhappy marriage and setting that as an example for your children. Sure, divorce in and of itself is not positive. But its ramifications *can* be, even if not right away. Obscene to even lump divorce with any crime.
ilinap´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: The Prince and the Pea
Comment by thewildmind
| October 22nd, 2009
LOL! Well, first of all I wouldn’t even dream of trying to guess what Brooks meant by using those three terms together like that without hearing the entire sentence in the context of the larger message he was conveying.
As an educator, I hear these words strung together like this routinely, not in a manner that lumps divorce as equal to drug use or crime, but in a manner that conveys the huge societal issues facing our children these days which can (they don’t always but they certainly can) impede a child’s development and ability to learn optimally or certainly at an optimal rate. We know this to be the case intuitively. After all, how many of us do anything really well, when we wonder if we are going to make it through the night alive, let alone wonder when we will eat next. In this context, divorce is lumped with crime not as an equivalent crime but as a reality facing our society. Not as a judgment upon those who’ve divorced.
However, having never heard David Brooks, myself, (yeah, I know bad on me!) if Dadshouse is accurate in his comprehension of the meaning and context of that particular grouping of words, then I just have to snicker. I mean, seriously?
Divorce is not a good thing, I think we all could agree, but there are times when it is a necessary evil and the definitely the lesser of two evils especially if the other evil is staying in the marriage with an abuser. There’s good information out there that says it is not a good idea to stay together “for the kids” in some instances either. If I was more intellectual and academic or driven, I’d prove it with a link, but I just got done with a day of dealing with why it is harder for kids to learn these days due to the evil influencs they face like “crime, drug use, and divorce”. I’m too lazy to go searching for it and I’m guessing none of us here really care?
That was a fun read, Dadshouse. Kinda had me wishin’ I was there making cracks at the women sitting behind you. I so could have gotten their diapers in a knot…or should I say their yarn?
thewildmind´s last blog ..Procrastinatory Paring and Sharing
Comment by Cathy
| October 22nd, 2009
Maybe he wasn’t shitting on divorced people. Maybe he was shitting on divorce and as someone who works daily with divorcing clients I can say that for most, divorce is not a positive experience. And certainly not something that should ever be promoted as a positive experience.
Not unless you are in an abusive relationship or one that is harmful physically or emotionally for the children.
You had a good experience with divorce David. You are not the norm though, you are the exception. For most it is not a positive experience, especially not for the children caught in the middle of two idiotic parents.
Comment by dadshouse
| October 22nd, 2009
Cathy – divorce is the hardest thing I ever went through. It was not a good experience for me. My ex and I learned to coparent amicably, so in that respect, we have moved forward positively. But I am by no means promoting divorce or saying it’s good. Read my blog. I’ve written plenty that I’d rather be in my kids’ lives full time.
That said, I would never equate the need or choice to divorce with crime or drug use. Not for the separating parties, or for the kids.
Even if David Brooks was putting down divorce, rather than divorced people, is his harshly judgmental stance good for society? You know full well there are married people who should not stay together (”idiotic parents” you call them), not even for the kids.
I’m just saying it might be better for someone like Brooks, a thought leader in America, to accept that divorce is sometimes necessary, rather than blasting it in the same light as crime and drug use. If we accept that divorce happens, maybe society as a whole would do a better job of dealing with it, and helping the people affected by it.
I also find it amusing that none of the readers were taken aback by David Brooks’ “horror film” analogy to men communicating emotionally. Even if communicative men are in the minority, they do exist. For Brooks to say that all men fear emotional communication, and for people to nod their head in agreement, makes it taboo in society for the few who are trying to be more evolved. It’s like telling a child “you’re bad,” rather then saying “that thing you just did is bad, and I know you can behave better than that.”
Comment by SDMktg
| October 22nd, 2009
I definitely have to agree that men are able to communicate. I have twins, a son and a daughter and they both are able to tell me their feelings. I think society tends to discourage boys and men from expressing feelings or at least it has for a long time. If there is a fear in expressing emotions it’s learned.
I agree that divorce shouldn’t be vilified but it also shouldn’t be taken casually and nor should marriage.
Comment by jacob
| October 28th, 2009
Has Brooks or anyone else considered that we should include “marriage” along with “divorce” in the list of conduct that is potentially harmful to kids? My estimate is that half the people who stay married should have gotten a divorce, and their kids would have been better off for it. (Same with divorce, by the way – probably a good 50% of people who get divorces could have made it work if they’d manned-up a bit.)