Blind Date – Ugh
I’ve been on some bad blind dates in my day – women who fudged their age by 10 years, trimmed their weight by 50 pounds, turned out wanting a sexy arrangement (yeah, that kind of sexy arrangement.) But none prepared me for one I endured at Starbucks this past weekend. Trust me, I’ve never downed a moccha-caramel-skim-milk-extra-hot-double-latte* so quickly.
Background
The woman and I met online, and she refused to send a pic. Warning sign for sure, but she insisted she was attractive, just private. Fair enough. Once we swapped cell numbers, she refused to text. Now, now, don’t worry – I did call her, and we did talk. Texting vs calling can be a bone of contention, for sure. But it took a few weeks to get our schedules aligned before we could meet. During that time you’d think she’d be fine swapping a text message or two (and I wasn’t even sending dirty text messages.) It struck me as weird.
The Date
When we finally met, I was immediately put off by her expression. She was attractive enough, but she didn’t smile. She had these huge Eeyore eyes – knitted eyebrow, drooping expression, like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. I asked if everything was fine, and she said yes. But she just didn’t look at all happy. Was she displeased with me? She didn’t seem to be. I had sent her my pic, and she thought I was handsome. I think she was just depressed about life. Look, I know we all go through stuff. But for meeting someone, it’s important to smile when you flirt.
Miss Eeyore wore a mini-skirt, which was oozing hot sexy confidence. But I hate to say, her panty line was showing. That wouldn’t be a problem if she’d worn boy-shorts or a thong. But her panty choice wouldn’t raise the heat in a nursing home. Yep, she wore granny panties. You know, those big ones that pretty much cover everything in site. Like a big pair of Depends. Decidedly not sexy.
Once we started talking, the conversation became very one-sided, and decidedly un-sexy and un-hot. She gave me a long-winded speech about the mortgage crises. WTF?! I have to admit, she was knowledgeable, dishing me nuggets I hadn’t even read in US News and World Report. But for a first date? Aren’t we supposed to ask each other questions, share witty banter, flirt like crazy and make me want to get into her panties? (Oh, wait – we already covered that.)
Maybe the mortgage crisis had given her that Eeyore look.
She finally said, “Oh, sorry, I’m talking too much. You talk for a while.”
Huh? What should I talk about? The war in Afghanistan? The high cost of health care? The proclivity of David Brooks for lumping divorce with drug use and crime? No! I should ask probing questions. Get to know her a bit.
“Ummmmm, how long have you lived around here?” I asked. Doh!
Okay, if I start saying shit like that, you know the moccha-caramel-skim-milk-extra-hot-double-latte isn’t going down nearly fast enough. (Hey, it was extra hot! I could only down it so fast!)
When we finished at Starbucks, she suggested we grab a bite. To which I thought, W!! T!! F!!
“I really need to go,” I said.
I think Miss Eeyore might need a Winnie the Pooh playmate in her life. It would probably make her smile.
Too bad for her, I don’t eat honey!**
Footnotes
(* My coffee drink was actually an Americano, but I changed that detail so my date wouldn’t know I was blogging about her. Shhhhhh….)
(**I actually do eat honey, but I won’t be dragged into another lecture on the mortgage crisis. Double shhhhhh….)
Flickr image by Laren Javier, some rights reserved.
- Blind Date Redux
- Online dating – sadly, I’m a bit of an expert (”Best. Dating Post. Ever.”)
- Relationship Compatibility
- Do You Find Me Attractive?
- Picking Up a Woman In Front of Your Son
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Comment by Twenty Four At Heart
| October 26th, 2009
Well, it doesn’t sound like much fun. You never know though … maybe she just needs a man to show her how sexy she could feel with some sexy lingerie (or none at all?).
Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..The Unspoken Coffee Cup War
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| October 26th, 2009
Maybe if you had slipped a little something in her coffee… to put a smile on her face…
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Why women love baseball… movies
Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| October 26th, 2009
There is no excuse for granny panties. Ever.
She sounds like a real Debbie Downer – http://www.hulu.com/watch/68225/saturday-night-live-debbie-downer.
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Mostly Ghostly
Comment by Heather
| October 26th, 2009
wow. just wow.
Heather´s last blog ..updates, updates, updates!!!
Comment by MommaSunshine
| October 26th, 2009
Well…not every couple is going to hit it off. It’s all about finding our right match, the person that complements us, brings out our best…it’s just simply possible that you two just couldn’t do that for one another. No worries….the right person is out there, for both of you. :)
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Better together
Comment by Vinomom
| October 26th, 2009
Granny Panties w/ a mini skirt? Ugh. Also the fact that she didn’t smile when you met is a definite downer. Next!
Vinomom´s last blog ..Mother of the Year over here
Comment by *Juliette*
| October 26th, 2009
It’s important to remember in online dating that it’s nothing personal. Sometimes people are just unhappy, and you did the right thing by getting away from her bad vibe as soon as politely possible.
*Juliette*´s last blog ..If His Name Is Dave…
Comment by Andrea
| October 26th, 2009
It sounds like this was a god one to walk away from. Not everyday is happy go lucky but if you can’t even smile on a date? She can hardly be surprised if you don’t call her again anyway.
Andrea´s last blog ..Monday’s Muse: Fall Leaves
Comment by Mindy/Single Mom Says...
| October 26th, 2009
What a bummer! I’ve found that the effort it takes to make these online dates happen versus the end result just isn’t worth it! I don’t know how you keep doing it. Very frustrating.
Mindy/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Being Divorced – A Bad Influence?
Comment by Just Me...
| October 26th, 2009
Granny-panties are for the nights you’re alone and wearing a flannel gown and ratty slippers..
As for smiling, that’s a ‘must; always.. Great for blind dates and even better when you’re giving someone hell (makes them nervous)..
Oh, well.. We’ve all been there and probably will be again.. Hoping for better on mine later this week.. Sadly, he knows me, I just can’t remember him!!!
Just Me…´s last blog ..Quiet Sunday Night…
Comment by T
| October 26th, 2009
Well at least it was blogworthy!
:)
Scratch that one. Next!
T´s last blog ..High School ain’t like it used to be…
Comment by Senorita
| October 26th, 2009
Awww, would you like a hug ?
Hey, things could be worse ! My dad went on a date with a woman, where he saw the outline of her Depends through her blue jeans. No joke !
Oh, and I wanted to tell you that this past weekend while you were drinking Starbucks, I won a bag of Peet’s coffee stuffed into a mug of the MV Computer History Museum.
I thouht of you fondly, since you are a Peet’s whore and a computer nerd bundled up into one.
Next time, meet up at Peet’s !
Senorita´s last blog ..Advertising Bullshit
Comment by dadshouse
| October 26th, 2009
Senorita – you’re saying if we met at Peet’s, she would have smiled and worn a thong? That could be Peet’s new marketing campaign! Genius!!
Ginger – that Debbie Downer skit is hilarious!
Comment by Honey
| October 26th, 2009
I went on a date with a fellow once, had a WRETCHED time (which I thought was painfully obvious) and then got the follow-up e-mail: “I think connections that immediate and intense are rare and worth following up on…”
Um, no, actually. There was no connection AT ALL. As others have said, NEXT!!!
Honey´s last blog ..Interview with Gary Stock (Part 2)
Comment by Abby Carter
| October 26th, 2009
The granny panties are probably what made her grumpy. Gotta love the online dating world…
Abby Carter´s last blog ..My Serendipitous Road to Getting Published
Comment by Senorita
| October 26th, 2009
David,
I’m not saying that she may have smiled or worn a thong had you met up with her at Peet’s. Wishful thinking though.
I was just trying to say that the coffee would’ve gone down a lot better, since you prefer Peets.
At least something would’ve felt good going down…….
Senorita´s last blog ..Advertising Bullshit
Comment by meg
| October 26th, 2009
Sounds like a dreadful date. I totally wear “granny panties” but if I thought I was going to get some action or wore a short skirt(which I wouldn’t ever) then I’d wear something a bit sexier.
meg´s last blog ..5 Great Things About Being Single Vol. 2
Comment by Maria
| October 26th, 2009
ahh, all the truths about dating rolled into one date. Smile, good attitude, work those sexy clothes but good and god almight, try to be engaging, interested, perceptive if the other party(you) is fading, bored, pulling away and put them out of their misery and end it already. David, I am a new poster but have followed your blogs eagerly for a long time now. Love them!! am a newly single mom,would love your advice/take on a woman asking a man out. I want to do it but nervous as hell. Have you blogged about this yet?
Comment by Karen
| October 26th, 2009
And this ladies and gentlemen is why this single gal doesn’t do online dating. Although, God knows, then I could at least blog about it. The bad news is it was a sucky date, but it did make a great post. You lose, but we win, well sort of.
Look it was a loss at the frowny downer Eeyore face. C’mon, no one really wants to see Eeyore in a thong, right? I mean if it had been Tigger, well ok then, because everyone knows that Tigger is bouncy, trouncy, flouncy pouncy. Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! But Eeyore belongs in granny panties.
Comment by Uncomfortable
| October 26th, 2009
Without any more information, the story you have told makes it sound like your date has Asperger’s or something similar to that.
I could be totally off-base, but that’s what it sounds like and read in that light, you entire post comes off as mean spirited, as unintentional as it might be.
Comment by dadshouse
| October 26th, 2009
Uncomfortable – that’s one hell of an insight. And actually, I wonder if you’re right. I saw the movie “Adam”, a romantic story about a man with Asperger’s trying to date a woman. My date did share some traits with the lead character of that story.
My date was not a US native, and I attributed any social awkwardness to her having been raised in another culture. The Bay Area is very diverse, and I usually embrace the differences people bring to the table here (me included – we’re all minorities here, so we’re all adding our little piece.) But it could well be that she suffered from Asperger’s.
Either way, my post wasn’t meant to be a mean-spirited attack on this woman. It was meant to be entertainment for anyone who has been on a really uncomfortable, crappy blind date.
Your point is well taken, and I’ll try to show more empathy in the future. I apologize for being insensitive. Thanks for weighing in.
Comment by meg
| October 26th, 2009
There wasn’t anything mean spirited about your post. It was hilarious.
Shake the haters off.
meg´s last blog ..5 Great Things About Being Single Vol. 2
Comment by QTMama
| October 27th, 2009
I don’t think it was mean spirited either, DH. I know you well enough to know you are just not that guy.
You are honest and truthful, but you’re not mean. Kinda of McPerveyPervason, but we love that about you. ;)
QTMama´s last blog ..Sunshine and ShaNayNay
Comment by Lance
| October 27th, 2009
Dude, I’ve have waay worse than that. That was just a mediocre date with a chick who didn’t have her A (or B or C) game. Too bad. How old was she?
Lance´s last blog ..The Hottest Kiss Of My Life
Comment by CJ
| October 27th, 2009
Mean spirited!? Hmmm, could uncomfortable have been your date??? ok, ok, THAT may have been mean-spirited of me…so sue me. On second thought, please don’t. :) As I believe you’ve said before, it’s your blog and it’s all in good fun, write what you want. Better luck next time…or not. When are you gonna give up on this online dating thing????
CJ´s last blog ..Bragging rights!
Comment by thewildmind
| October 27th, 2009
Gads!!! You could really see my panty lines…and, what?! Granny panties are the bomb any more…What?! Boys shorts are sexier, slinkier and more comfortable!!! Why didn’t my BFF tell me before I met you for coffee!!
J/K!!! I’m not the one DH met, really! But, seriously, that post made me laugh so much! It made me wonder what mess ups I’ve made in the past with those thousand first dates that never went anywhere (oh, wait, they asked me out and I said no?) Even so, I am going to be ever so much more freaked out about panty lines now! I sure don’t want my granny pannies showin on my next coffee date!
Oh, and I must remember to flirt and smile… :D
thewildmind´s last blog ..How Rushing A Sorority Is Like Online Dating
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 29th, 2009
This was a funny post. But the footnotes made me laugh out loud. For about five minutes. That’s a long time for laughing.
Hey, I’m gonna be in Alameda Nov 11-13. We should meet up again! (I’ll wear my granny panties.) ;)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..From Andy Rooney?
Comment by RJ
| October 30th, 2009
GREAT post! How many of these did I go on?!?! Lost count. One woman – pretty, smart, sexy (at first) – was a doctor and spent a good portion of the first part of the date talking about tumors, growths, and excision of said items. Interesting, yes. Hot? No. Anyway, good call.
Comment by wendy
| November 3rd, 2009
David, I am a very attractive, sophisticated & sexy 50 yr old woman, whom does not own any “granny panties” …. but LOVE the idea of purchasing a pair and flashing them to a guy I’ve had much email exchange with (Gary S., Lance’s interview). Just thinking, maybe her “bloomer” decision was intentional … are you sure you didn’t do anything to piss this girl off before your initial meeting?
Also, have you – and/or others – ever realized the androgynous characteristics of ALL the ‘Pooh’ characters? I first pondered this oddness when my young daughter (now in college) asked me if Pooh was a girl or a boy? I had to tell her that I actually didn’t know! (sorry, David) Just further thinking, do you suppose that Miss Eeyore could have actually been a boy, rather than a girl?