Male and Female Dating Perspectives
A couple I know met like this: he came into the store where she worked to buy things for his work, and saw she was hot, sexy and confident. They flirted and chatted and swapped phone numbers, started dating, and now they’ve been a happy couple for more than two years.
The other day, the guy told a more detailed version of how they met. Apparently, he used to shop at one particular store. Some buddies of his told him there was a hottie who worked at a different store, and she had the sort of look he liked in a woman. (e.g. redhead and curvy, or brunette and slim. You get the idea. I won’t give identifying details.)
He went out of his way to her store, specifically to meet her. He chatted her up, etc. Now they’ve been a couple for more than two years. (Talk about a happy ending.)
All the men who heard this story thought it was perfect. We were impressed! The guy moved out of his normal hunting ground to find the sort of woman he was attracted to. Like a lion, he pounced on his prey. He took a chance, made his move, and it paid off. Now he has a girlfriend and a solid relationship. Happy couples rock.
The women who heard this story, including the woman who the story was about, reacted in a different way entirely. They figure if this guy would go out of his way to meet a woman like her, what’s to stop him from going out of his way to meet a different woman in a different store – even now that he’s coupled up?
In short, the women saw his behavior as a red flag. To them, any man who would venture off the beaten path in a sneaky manner, to chase after a woman, is a man not to be trusted. He’s the type of guy who might engage in discreet affairs.
Now – I’m not saying all women would think this way. But it was striking how the men and women who heard the story reacted. When we heard this interpretation, we men were shocked. If we have a rockin’ good woman in our lives, we have no motivation to look elsewhere for someone else. Yeah, he changed his routine to meet the woman he’s dating now. But he has no reason to change it again.
Could be some of these women knew men who didn’t subscribe to this same philosophy. Or perhaps they don’t like that the initial attraction on his part was physical. Who knows.
At any rate, one take-home lesson is this: if you’re a guy, don’t tell the truth about how you actually met the woman of your dreams.
Just say whatever she wants to hear, and keep holding her close.
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- Attracting a Woman – Want vs. Need
- He’s Not Worthy! You Deserve Better!
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Comment by Nicki
| November 10th, 2009
Huh. I had a totally different perspective on this. (Of course, I have been told often that I’m not a typical girl.) For me, I thought of him as a go-getter. He knew what he liked and wanted and was willing to stick his neck out there, take a chance. I’m trying to understand the leap to ‘discreet affairs.’ So far, nothing you said set off the red flags.
Well, I still wish them the best. And I hope she’s the kind of woman who can set aside the story and focus on the outcome. I still believe in happy endings.
Nicki´s last blog ..Shoe shopping…
Comment by Jim H.
| November 10th, 2009
This guy did nothing ’sneaky’, but I’m not surprized by the women’s response. The women I know tend to think everything has an ulterior motive; that everything’s a game. Because they play the game, they think we play it to. And some guys do – those are the sharks looking for nothing but a good time. But really, that’s a small percentage.
Comment by Heather
| November 10th, 2009
I would be flattered if a guy that was that interested in me did that! :) I think it just depends on the woman too!
Comment by Me Thinks
| November 10th, 2009
I think the issue is that he only did it because she had “the look” he liked. I would guess they are thinking that a guy would go out of his way just for how she looked, no other reason, he didn’t know anything else about her or her personality, then what happens when she gets older and her looks “fade”? If he is solely attracted to her for her looks, then it goes to follow that he’d do same for another woman with better looks.
However… I personally wouldn’t go there. I’d be flattered since after 2 years you can assume they have a lot more between them than just physical appearance.
Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| November 10th, 2009
The only way I would find this worrisome is if he had been in a relationship with someone when he sought out the lady at the store. Otherwise, I would find it flattering that he took the initiative.
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Totally Music Tuesday
Comment by Mindy/Single Mom Says...
| November 10th, 2009
I certainly don’t see anything sinister in what he did. If I had friends telling me about a guy that was my “type”, I’d go check him out and flirt too! As long as I was single of course. Frankly I dont know why a woman would be bothered and not flattered by what this guy did.
Mindy/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Inside the Mind of a Deadbeat Dad
Comment by momma sunshine
| November 10th, 2009
I’m not sure how many women would actually feel this way. I don’t see anything wrong with a man going about meeting a woman in this way. “If you do what you always did, you’ll get what you always got”.
Personally, I’d find it flattering if a man went out of his way to check me out and meet me.
But your advice to men to not be honest with their women regarding how you met the woman of your dreams? THAT I have a problem with. In a real relationship, honesty is the best policy. ;-)
momma sunshine´s last blog ..Winter Fears
Comment by Honey
| November 10th, 2009
I never would have thought of that interpretation, either. But then again, I met my boyfriend on MySpace!
Honey´s last blog ..A Typical Date With Lance and Why Intimacy Matters on First Dates
Comment by ZenMom
| November 10th, 2009
Hunh. I must think like a guy. I didn’t go as far as the whole lion hunting metaphor. But, I thought it was clever and brave of him to go out of his way to meet a potential love interest. I don’t see why that would make him sneaky or more likely to cheat. Does not compute.
ZenMom´s last blog ..Quote Junkie: On Writing
Comment by *Juliette*
| November 10th, 2009
What kind of women did you poll for that reaction? I would guess that they might be very insecure in love or in failing relationships and not willing to take action to spice up their love lives. Of course we all have a “type” we are attracted to! From my POV, healthy single women would normally be impressed that he had the determination to get out in the real world and do some interacting with a woman he found attractive. Personal attention from a man is never bad, as long as it’s not unwanted.
*Juliette*´s last blog ..How Much Baggage Is Too Much?
Comment by Senorita
| November 10th, 2009
I own a vagina, and I don’t feel that way. I think the women reacted crazy in this situation.
How he met that woman is not a red flag, it is a great thing. Great things happen sometimes when we venture out into something new.
If a man (or a woman) is gonna cheat, he is going to cheat no matter what.
What I want to know, is where you found these chicks with these points of view.
Senorita´s last blog ..Makes Me Mad Monday
Comment by Just Me...
| November 10th, 2009
First, who really cares who they met? Whether he was on the prowl (what unattached guy doesn’t look around when he’s out and about?) or whether she saw a prospective mate (what unattached woman doesn’t think that when meeting a new guy?), they were both single, liked each other and, apparently, it ‘took’….
If either sex reads too much into anything, they can find the negative..
Personally, I think the real story is in what’s happened since they met.. Not how..
Just Me…´s last blog ..Long days and bad news..
Comment by dadshouse
| November 10th, 2009
Momma Sunshine – I made that remark tongue in cheek. I remember an old Cosby Show episode where the wife remembers every detail of their first date, and Bill can’t even remember the color of her sweater. She’s devastated! So he realizes he needs to tell her stuff the way she wants to hear it. Or something like that. Men don’t ponder the details like women do! (How’s that for a stereotypical remark)
Juliette – the women liked that he struck up the conversation with her. They just wanted it to be spontaneous, not something he planned out because he heard from friends that she was hot. That’s the part they didn’t like.
Me Thinks and Just Me – I totally agree! The proof is in the 2 year pudding, so to speak.
I personally thought it was great how he met her. I won’t judge how any woman reacts to a man’s advance. But the woman I date will be someone who likes how I hunted her down, whatever that way may be.
Comment by Big City Dad
| November 10th, 2009
I’m glad to hear the reactions of some of you women. It he thought the woman was attractive, what’ wrong with trying to arrange a way to meet her? If a guy has the confidence to approach a woman he doesn’t know than more power to him. The red flag would have been if he approached her, really didn’t like her, but stayed with her anyway because she was beautiful, sexy, etc. Takes more than that to last two plus years.
Big City Dad´s last blog ..In The Beginning…
Comment by staciesmadness
| November 10th, 2009
I don’t find it a red flag at all…
I find it romantic…
staciesmadness´s last blog ..Can’t buy Love
Comment by Senorita
| November 10th, 2009
You mentioned that the woman you date will like how you hunted her down.
RAWR ! Aren’t you fierce !
Time to get off the computer and find that elegant gazelle gracefully frolicking in the wild.
Senorita´s last blog ..Tell It Like It Is Tuesday
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| November 10th, 2009
He just sounds smart to me. And like he found an effective means to get what he wanted. Spontaneous is nice, but there’s nothing wrong with “planning” if you can make it work. Good for him, for doing so.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Dear Family of Strangers Connecting
Comment by annie
| November 10th, 2009
I think that women like to believe in the fate/destiny aspect of happy coupledom more than they like the truth – which is that men are not so Disney Princess in their approach.
The first version of the happy couple’s meeting fits with the model that women are force fed from an early age whereas as the second implies that there is work involved in addition to timing and good luck. Women don’t like the work part. jmo.
Also, women could find red flags in the happiest of couples stories if they are given even the slightest opening.
annie´s last blog ..The Fenns: Chapter Three
Comment by Kat Wilder
| November 10th, 2009
Not sure who those women are and where you found them, but their reaction to this sounds more like insecurity — theirs — than his red flags.
Sometimes, we meet people by chance. Sometimes, we create chances…
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Most likely to succeed — but in what?
Comment by ck27paws
| November 10th, 2009
This blog was forwarded to me by a single male friend. It never occurred to me that this man would try the same approach again. If I were that woman, I would think it was insanely sweet and flattering that he went out of his way to meet me. That’s it.
Comment by ilinap
| November 10th, 2009
I actually think that’s a cute, flattering story. I didn’t take away anything raunchy or untrustworthy.
ilinap´s last blog ..Steaz, Please
Comment by Travis
| November 10th, 2009
I can see both angles. But, from what you have described, I didn’t see anything wrong with his ambition. I would of, only if the guy was seeing another women at the time.
Now the last paragraph? That’s a different story. I don’t buy the “don’t talk about how you met” comment. Clearly if a women was getting bothered by this, it was told wrong. Plus, who doesn’t like the, “How did you two meet story.”
No need to lie, just tell it in a way, that is more meaningful. And, if that doesn’t work, still don’t lie. You will always know that you spoke the truth.
If you lie… then they would come back and assume your not trustworthy and then start to wonder if your going to do it again, and then question what other things you’ve lied about. At least with the truth, they will always know who you are.
Travis´s last blog ..Road To Closure: Vol 12
Comment by Sandy
| November 11th, 2009
If there really are women out there who said that, I think it’s nuts! I’m pretty certain I’m a little older than the people involved but I don’t see a problem with someone being told “hey there’s a woman you might like working at ABC, why don’t you check her out?” How does that give any hint of insincerity or infidelity on his part? Apparently he was single, she was single, they liked each other, voila!
If someone recommends a restaurant to you that you’re not familiar with or a different cuisine, do you try it? I hope so. Sheesh…how dumb.
Sandy´s last blog ..Book Title Meme
Comment by Lance
| November 11th, 2009
An interesting thought here and I’ve definitely heard it before. Some people sort of have their head in the sand and insist on meeting a partner in a totally “natural” and “organic” way, that is to say by pure coincidence. I think this is why there’s a social stigma against online dating (which is diminishing, though), because you’re “shopping” for a gf/bf vs. having it happen in a storybook fashion. The fact is, dating is a bitch and the reality of modern dating is you have to do anything and everything to find a good partner and fulfill handle that area of your life. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a little strategy and going out of your way to find someone. I’ve seen this for both guys and girls, so I don’t think it’s gender specific.
Lance´s last blog ..A Typical Date With Lance and Why Intimacy Matters on First Dates
Comment by QTMama
| November 11th, 2009
Oh please, this is SO NOT a red flag! I’m surprised by the suspicions of the women! I mean, if we’ve said it once, we’ve said a million times – If a guy wants to date you?
He’ll find a way to date you.
Period.
QTMama´s last blog ..Oink Oink
Comment by katherine.
| November 11th, 2009
I didn’t have the time to read all the other comments…
geez….I thought it kinda romantic that he went off his normal routine to find her…and it worked.
but the part about being a guy…and the advice not to tell the truth…I find that objectionable.
katherine.´s last blog ..Dona Nobis Pacem ~ Blog Blast for Peace 2009
Comment by CheeryWise
| November 13th, 2009
I have to admit, I agree with Lance. If you’re looking for a gf/bf, strategy is important. Nothing wrong with following up on a tip… if there isn’t chemistry, no harm, no foul! It’s a cute story, all the more so as it expands to reveal the underlying truth.
I love the Cosby reference! They were the coolest couple – even if just on screen.
Comment by Sarah Timbers
| January 15th, 2010
Definitely not all women think this way. I think it’s great that he made such a move. It would be even more romantic if a woman would live in a different country and the guy would come just for her!
Comment by oshea12566
| January 22nd, 2010
Happy to see most female readers of your blog agree that the way he met her was NOT a red flag.
But some women actually saw how a he hunted her down as a red flag? Are they kidding? What isn’t a red flag then?
oshea12566´s last blog ..DANCE!!