Single Dad Dating – Where’s the Line of Women?
I recently attended a broadcast performance of the opera Turandot. When I blogged about the evening, a married mom asked: And you don’t have the ladies lined up at the door? What’s up with that?
I had to laugh. As a single dad dating, I hear lines like that from married women all the time. I even wrote a post about the phenomenon last year, describing a dinner party where married moms fawned all over me because I read books like Eat, Pray, Love, and I once attended three days of teachings by the Dalai Lama. Their own husbands would never do those things.
Do women look for one thing when they’re single, and something else entirely when they’re married with kids?
A lot of single women I’ve met on the dating scene aren’t looking for an opera- and book-loving partner. They might appreciate those things in a man, but truly, they know they can go to a show or start a book club with any girl friend.
The women I meet tend to be looking for something else entirely. Maybe they want a guy with a good job, someone responsible who can provide and protect. Or maybe they want a single dad who owns a home, and has financial security.
Of course, some guys play right along. They wear a nice watch, show off their car, take women on elaborate dates.
Nothing wrong with that, but displays of material wealth and shows of comfort aren’t important to me. When I date seriously, I look for a woman I connect with. I like her, she likes me. We get along as people, rather than depending on each other for survival or trying to upgrade our lifestyles.
Being a single parent has shown me that I can get along fine by myself. I don’t need a woman to take care of my house or my kids.
As a single dad dating, I want to find a woman who shares enough of my interests and values that we genuinely enjoy spending time together.
Whether we’re at the opera, or not.
- Is Dating Easier for Single Dads than Single Moms?
- Dating After Divorce
- When Hanging Out is Better Than Dating
- Relationship Compatibility
- Men Who Read and Cook – Sexy or Unmanly?
- Male and Female Dating Perspectives
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Comment by BigLittleWolf
| November 30th, 2009
Seems to me, DM, that you are expressing what many of us who’ve been divorced for a long time have experienced, when we don’t fit into a typical mode in our region. Whether it’s the trappings of how you live, what you’re interested in, the fact that you don’t work in a group environment, something about your personality or your character (all good, of course) – or possibly something you give off that says “I am independent and want a relationship, but that’s different from being dependent and needing a relationship.”
And you may also have more unusual wants & needs in a partner for your area. Supply, demand & the market you’re in. And internet dating doesn’t quite cut it for getting you any closer to a relationship that would “fit.”
I can only say, you have my empathy. But when we have great kids, and our health, that’s a lot. Not the whole enchildada, but a lot. Hope it was a good Thxgiving.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Why do people cheat?
Comment by Nicki
| November 30th, 2009
Ahhh. I understand completely. Rachel asked me just last night if I wanted to get married again. I’m still working on finding someone I want to go on a second date with. Seriously. So, while I like the idea, reality sents in and I know that he would have to be pretty incredible, loving, accepting, and fit in with the family. No small order, I know. Luckily, I’m not holding my breath, not feeling desperate, enjoying my life…it is really great even single.
Nicki´s last blog ..We have a new addition…
Comment by Mindy/Single Mom Says...
| November 30th, 2009
“When I date seriously, I look for a woman I connect with. I like her, she likes me. We get along as people, rather than depending on each other for survival or trying to upgrade our lifestyles.”
Exactly.
And I think that’s what makes it more difficult, as I wrote in this post: http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com/2009/11/arranged-relationships.html
When you take “the list” out of the equation and just look at the character of the person (and chemistry too of course)is when we can find what we really want.
Mindy/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Giving Thanks
Comment by T
| November 30th, 2009
Interesting thoughts in this post. And sadly, I think there are just as many single women out there that want these things but don’t know where to find a man like that.
T´s last blog ..The Affair, part 9
Comment by Kelloggsville
| November 30th, 2009
I reckon he should be James Bond whilst dating and then turn into the self aware, caring and considerate at settle down point. Once settled down a woman is looking for someone who is prepared to look to the inner self and reflect that out loud and in turn share and connect with her. But in the initial dating, hell no, you need a champion, a true man, a romantic yes but with that little extra umph! once love is declared he is then supposed to morph into the person that you are showing yourself as at the moment!!!! I reckon Shrek has just about the right character for me!! (Single-mom now remarried and jolly happy)
Kelloggsville´s last blog ..Forced Independence
Comment by Sandra
| November 30th, 2009
Having met you, I don’t know why you are still single. But nothing in life is guaranteed, so being a good guy doesn’t guarantee you your match.
Sandra´s last blog ..29
Comment by dadshouse
| November 30th, 2009
I think Kelloggsville hit on it, exactly. Men are supposed to be adventure heroes during the dating phase, then morph into something else entirely once settled down. One problem with that for me is that I’m already settled down. I have kids and a home and I’m quite happy to just hang out. In fact, I sort of prefer it. http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/04/20/divorce-homebody/
How do I skip all the dating crap, and have a woman magically appear in my house? :-)
Comment by loriann
| November 30th, 2009
As I hit the ten year mark, in December, since my divorce and separation I think about why I have remained single. I am living a comfortable life and I don’t need a man to take care of me. I’ve been pondering the following quote: “Your task is not to seek for love, but to find the barriers in yourself that you have built against it.” ~ A Course in Miracles, Williamson
I also think about the following:
I am non-polyamourous, age appropriate, attractive, compassionate, intelligent, grounded, vibrant, fun, sexy, sweet, with dark hair and olive skin. Everything you put out into the universe on 08/08/08. Alas, I am not Latina, I don’t have a butt (darn Mom & Dad:), although I love to walk and hike, by no means am I athletic and lastly, I’m geographically out of bounds in the North Bay…………oh, and, at 47, although age & life stage appropriate, too old for you :-)
Do you wonder if you prefer to remain single 10 years after?
L
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 30th, 2009
I dunno. Since I’m not into opera, I wouldn’t likely find it appealing to find a man who is.
Meeting a good match is tricky. Must be why it’s such a big business. I will say that even though I’ve found a man who is very much a good match for me, the challenges remain. Obviously there are no hard and fast answers or formulas. You just do what you do… meet whomever you meet… and go from there.
Yeah, I’m a hippie.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog ..From Andy Rooney?
Comment by Honey
| November 30th, 2009
I have often wondered about these sorts of things…how did all the guys and gals I knew in my sorority/fraternity days go from the kegger-and-dance-club attending, casual-sex-endorsing, class-skipping folks to the homebody, monogamous, married parents with stable jobs WITHIN SIX MONTHS of graduating?!
It makes me think that there are LOTS of folks who just do what’s expected of them, in the order that it’s expected, and glean small pieces of happiness on rare occasions rather than thinking about what’s really important to them and sculpting their lives to reflect those priorities. It’s the only explanation I can come up with for people who have shifted so radically (and in such a cliched way) in such a few short years.
I mean, I don’t go clubbing anymore because I have trouble staying up that late, but – my life is still very much aligned with the priorities I have always had.
Honey´s last blog ..I’ve Had Weird Dating Experiences Lately. But I Think I Have a Girlfriend.
Comment by Andrea
| November 30th, 2009
Granted, I’m married, but my take is that when you are married you to come to appreciate the things you WISH your partner had – like a willingness to ignore football and go to the ballet once a year. Or maybe not include your mother in law on your ‘family’ vacation.
The traits others see in you are probably the ones they wish they had held out for in regards to their own spouse.
Andrea´s last blog ..First Day of School…
Comment by Kat Wilder
| November 30th, 2009
There’s no way to say what “women” want, any more than we women can say what “men” want. It comes down to what does T this woman want; same with this guy.
I love opera, but it isn’t on my must-have list.
Now, great sex …
Stop by my new digs tomorrow at http://www.katwilder; I’ve had some, uh, “work,” done.
Kat Wilder´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at
Comment by ilinap
| November 30th, 2009
My husband and I do all the things we loved to do together before we were married (less often now that we have 2 kids though).
ilinap´s last blog ..On a Lark
Comment by Rose
| December 1st, 2009
Cathouse Teri nailed it. Meeting a good match *is* tricky, and as she says, “Even then there are challenges.”
I’m recently remarried and I met Mr. Wonderful at match.com but second marriages are far more complicated than first marriages. And when you’re still licking your wounds from a failed first marriage, I think you’re more likely to be extra, extra careful about trying to do that permanent pair-bonding thing a second time.
I had 70 first dates – true story – but part of the process was realizing that internet dating sites are not the online equivalent of a Sears Romantic Partner Wish Book. As my 60th first date said, “At this point, it’s all a scratch and dent sale.”
We’re all screwed up and we’re all cracked pots and I think the key is finding someone with neuroses that you can live with, and figuring out – really and truly – what you can live with and what you can’t live without and making adjustments to your battle plan as you move through the process. And then figuring out if you’re willing to settle or if you’ve made peace with living alone and are *not* willing to settle.
In short, it’s complicated. ;)
Rose Thornton
author, The Ugly Woman’s Guide to Internet Dating
Rose´s last blog ..Mr. and Mrs. E – a real life love story
Comment by jason
| December 1st, 2009
dad,
do you like brazillian woman? (what a question, eh???)
i wish i could set you up with this woman, but she lives in the East Bay.
Bay area logistics are sort of challenging. For me, i basically almost-wont consider dating a woman outside of the SF city limits
Comment by Elizabeth
| December 2nd, 2009
Ok, I realize I’m late to the party here, but I just had to chime in.
Why are women still looking for guys to take care of them financially? Is there something in our culture that still encourages female helplessness?
Isn’t it better when two mature people can deal as equals?
But I do remember (just to be provocative here) a book, it was actually on hotting up sex in marriage, where the writer-psychologist claimed that you attract people at your own level of differentiation. In other words, the folks with whom we get emotionally intimate are roughly at the same level of emotional maturity.
I’m still trying to figure THAT one out. ;-)
Elizabeth´s last blog ..Mouths to be kissed…