Breaking Up Just Before Things are Perfect
Imagine you’re a single parent, dating someone you’re sure is the love of your life. But just when things are about to become perfect – your soul-mate breaks up with you.
Know the feeling? I certainly do. No, this isn’t a pity party. I’m thinking back years ago to my first girlfriend, post-divorce. I was reminded of all this when I read Nicki at Suddenly Single Journey and her blog post: Envisioning a room of my own.
Nicki’s divorce was final. She was living with the man she thought was her soul-mate. But on the eve of her divorce party, he broke up with her.
Flashback eight years before to my own life. My divorce was final. I was dating the woman I thought was my soul-mate. I had just moved into a new home, a place my girlfriend had helped pick out. I was gearing up to ask her hand in marriage. And she broke up with me.
Coincidence these two experiences are so similar? I’m not so sure.
Perhaps when my girlfriend saw my new home and envisioned her place in it – she came face to face with her future. And due to her own insecurities, she was scared. Sure, she happily dated me, had fun with me, met my kids, had fun with them. And maybe she even thought about being part of it all.
But once the home was picked out and I’d moved in, the idea of her marrying me manifested into actual commitment. While I’m a single dad involved in my kids’ lives, her own dad was further removed, more absent. Maybe that intrigued her, but also made her wary. Who knows?
Whatever her reasons, just before things were perfect, she pulled the plug.
Sad. But you know what? As the years went by, things turned out okay, anyway.
In fact, life is pretty darn perfect. (How’s that for acceptance and gratitude!)
- Single Parent, Empty House, Full Life
- Dating After Divorce
- Younger Women Dating Older Men
- Relationship Compatibility
- Single Parent Dating – Easier for Dads Than Moms?
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Comment by Nicki
| December 1st, 2009
Kudos on the acceptance and gratitude. I, too, am discovering that even if it doesn’t seem that way at the time, things do pretty much unfold the way they were meant to. After getting over the initial grief stage, I’m happier now that I would have been if we’d stayed together.
So honored…for EVERYTHING. So glad to have you as a virtual friend.
Nicki´s last blog ..November State of the Blog Address…
Comment by Dual Mom
| December 1st, 2009
Wow, you do acceptance really well! Women are complex creatures, otherwise we’d just bore the crap out of you men, right? It blows my mind that you still believe in “soul mates”. Good for you.
I’m always the dumper, yes I have issues, shut up.
Dual Mom´s last blog ..Merry Fraken Christmas
Comment by Vinomom
| December 1st, 2009
Perhaps she just wasn’t ready for the “ready-made” family. I’m not big on the idea of “soul mates” either.
In any case, she did you a favor. If she had just gone through the motions, you might have been looking at a 2nd divorce down the road.
Vinomom´s last blog ..The Whole Ordeal
Comment by Jim H.
| December 1st, 2009
Soulmate is a stupid concept. Everytime I hear someone say it, I cringe. My ex-wife used to tell people we were “soulmates”. Guess we weren’t, after all.
Comment by *Juliette*
| December 1st, 2009
I used to believe in soulmates too. Now I believe in being as in touch with my own soul as I can. It sounds like you are getting there too. Congratulations on your acceptance and gratitude, DH. In the end that’s what will serve you the most.
*Juliette*´s last blog ..The 53 Year Old Virgin
Comment by T
| December 1st, 2009
I do believe in soulmates. I believe that there are many that come into our lives and influence us and make our souls sing.
Funny how things work out in ways we’d never expect. They often don’t make sense but there’s a plan in there somewhere, isn’t there?
((hugs))
T´s last blog ..The Affair, part 10
Comment by QTMama
| December 1st, 2009
I don’t think SoulMate is a stupid concept, but I often wonder if it’s a true concept. I thought I had mine once, and yes, the plug was pulled in exactly the same way. It’s a rough road to healing, but it’s a journey I’m glad I’ve taken.
QTMama´s last blog ..QT Must Have’s and No No’s
Comment by Mindy/Single Mom Says...
| December 1st, 2009
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again;
Timing is Everything
You can find that one person who seems to be a great fit in so many ways, but if they are not on the same page or in the same “life stage” as you are, what you described above can happen. I’ve experienced it myself. And if you’re lucky you can find that person who is also ready when you are.
Mindy/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Post Break Blog Blank
Comment by Dee
| December 1st, 2009
Odd, similar story here, also 8 years ago. We had dated nearly a year and found a comfortable togetherness – or so I thought. One day in a fit of insecurity I asked what he liked about me and I was blindsided as I was accused of trying to corner him into marriage. UH NO!!! In fact if he had gotten down on one knee I would have pleaded with him to wait for a really long time – neither of us was ready for that. My head is still spinning trying to make sense of it all. I’ve moved on and even recently remarried, but when I think back to that day all I can see is a remote picture of myself with jaw dropped to the floor, stammering weak responses and trying to figure out what the hell just happened.
Dee´s last blog ..Boys, Boy Parts, & Stupid Games
Comment by Honey
| December 1st, 2009
I always wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten into grad school in Arizona…Lance and I had been dating quite happily for 7 months or so and the move was what ended things (though his reaction to that was not very mature, but hey – COINCIDENCE, that was almost 8 years ago, too!). I briefly imagined asking him to come with me, but given how long we’d been dating that would’ve been a bit ridiculous and I think we both knew it. Plus there’s no way he could’ve stayed in the field that he was working in if he’d moved where I was going.
Honey´s last blog ..I’ve Had Weird Dating Experiences Lately. But I Think I Have a Girlfriend.
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| December 1st, 2009
Like a few others, I don’t believe in soul mates. I think we have many people we might love and be compatible with at different points in time. As for your commitment-phobic friend of years past, perhaps she sensed you hadn’t had enough time “single,” or the entirety of the package was overwhelming when it came time to take a next step.
We rarely know what goes on in another’s thought process. Yet we continue to seek or wait, and hope for a great connection with another person. I think that’s human nature, no matter how good other things may be.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Courage
Comment by Laura
| December 1st, 2009
I think we have all had this – the one love straight after divorce. The one we think is it. The one who ultimately breaks our heart.
In breaking our heart – they teach us that we can and will love again.
Laura´s last blog ..Who is thanking the men?
Comment by Keith Wilcox
| December 1st, 2009
Funny how things turn out differently than we expect yet not necessarily worse. I’ve been having an ongoing conversation with a friend of mine about this concept of soul mates. It’s my contention that there is no such thing as it would be a statistical problem finding one person in 3 billion (or 6 billion if bisexual or something :-) anyway, because there are too many factors to even begin understanding people can be the right personality type and still fall through. Sometimes an imperfect fit becomes perfect over time. Sometimes we start out perfect for each other but then grow out of the relationship like an old pair of pants. And, because of what you just said, there are psychological issues to deal with that have nothing at all to do with a person’s basic personality. The only thing left for us to do is stumble around in the dark until something happens. I guess it’s being available to let something happen that is the problem for most people. They become jaded by experience and have a hard time just letting life happen. That’s how I see it at least. Long, winded opinion — sorry.
Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Christmas Trees: Real vs. Fake
Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| December 1st, 2009
That has definitely happened to me since my divorce. It was hard to swallow, but you know what? If there was a reason the other person wasn’t feeling it, then it’s better to move on.
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Totally Music Tuesday
Comment by Heather Dugan("Footsteps")
| December 1st, 2009
People either learn to work through the inevitable glitches with the one they love or they keep bouncing on. Many are enamored wit the concept of “forever” but not in touch with the reality of it. As painful as it can be to break up, I’d rather be alone than with someone who can’t fully invest.
Heather Dugan(”Footsteps”)´s last blog ..Gym Jump
Comment by dadshouse
| December 1st, 2009
I believed in the soul-mate concept a long time ago. Now I subscribe to the notion that every person you meet every single day has a chance to touch your soul, just as you can touch theirs. Some people’s personalities or energy will resonate with yours and you’ll want to keep them around, souls touching, for a much longer time.
In his book “Seat of the Soul”, author Gary Zukav talks about the concept of “spiritual partnerships”. He suggests we need partners not for survival, but instead to learn how to care for another person more than yourself. That is the root of compassion.
I blogged a little about this here: http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/06/11/single-parents-missing-intimacy/
I wonder what cosmic shit was going down 8 years ago that so many people had massive soul-mate breakups back then! (Ha)
Comment by Danielle
| December 1st, 2009
My favorite quote is “rejection is Gods protection” and although I am not overly religious, this saying has played out for me more times than I would like to admit.
Comment by Heather
| December 1st, 2009
happened for a reason is what my grandma would say! :)
Heather´s last blog ..car lag?
Comment by Just Me...
| December 1st, 2009
Have to say that I’ve never truly been surprised at the end of a relationship.. I’ve only had a few that I didn’t end and I seemed to see the end of those coming before they actually did..
Probably more of a statement on my lack of trust than anything else.. :)
Just Me…´s last blog ..One Week!!
Comment by Kat Wilder
| December 1st, 2009
The hardest relationship is one “post”something, especially marriage, especially long-term marriage, especially with kids. We were different in our 20s, 30s and we looked for different things.
Then, wham, divorce, and we want to get back to the warm-and-fuzzy-loving-waking-up-to-a-warm-body thing … quick. When the first post-marriage relationship I had broke up, it was … a gift (not at first, tho!). I was on auto-pilot to get back to what I had, instead of thinking, gee, what do I want?
So, dads, maybe it was a blessing indeed, albeit painful nonetheless. Ms. Soul Mate is out there, you know. You will find her!
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Kat unleashed
Comment by Sandra
| December 1st, 2009
This happened to a good friend of mine. He bought the ring and was about to propose when she broke up with him. She didn’t even know he bought a ring, but found out about it later and ate her words.
It’s so cliche but things do happen for a reason. And I believe it in your case, since you are at peace with yourself.
Sandra´s last blog ..29
Comment by Desiree
| December 2nd, 2009
Similar to what Dee said above… I’m still trying to figure what the hell happened, although it is getting easier not to think about it so much as the days go on. To be completely frank, I know I wouldn’t have gotten this far in my thinking had I not moved across the country.
I guess the thing that I will never understand is WHY he dated me (let alone had me move in this summer) when he had no interest in marrying me at some point – is that wrong to think of it that way? I mean, the point is moot now, but… I’m just sayin’…
Desiree´s last blog ..Sick of Christmas? Move it to June!
Comment by Karen
| December 2nd, 2009
I am smack dab in the middle of this right now. Although to be fair, he has done this more than once with me. Anyway I just bought a house, his youngest and mine are both HS seniors and about to leave us with staggering amounts of free time next year, and I think he looked at the house, and the timeline and saw his future, and ran for the hills. Except he can’t run too far, he always comes back, but still, if he would have waited until next year when our collective 5 kids were all out of our respective nests, things would have been perfect…
Comment by katherine.
| December 3rd, 2009
the type of man who appealed to my soul twentysome years ago was far different than the type of man who appeals to my soul today.
It is not possible for there to be one soulmate for each person. Just one human error would have thrown off the pairings centuries ago…
katherine.´s last blog ..Cy Timmy….Cy
Comment by Travis
| December 3rd, 2009
@katherine – I believe the idea of the soulmate waiting for you, is flawed. It’s a myth, that has noble attributes, but is inherently wrong. We can love anybody, if our heart desires it, and we continually work for it.
My variant on this is that we create our soulmate. By the efforts of love, compassion and the willingness to change as we get older to stay in step with each other.
This is the noble goal and should be our effort. To work together to become soulmates.
Travis´s last blog ..It’s a Bright Day… Even When You Stand In The Dark
Comment by andygoose
| December 5th, 2009
Like Mindy said in the comments, timing is everything.
My soul mate was 10 years younger and wanted her own children. I was done with having more. Had to let her go so we both could be happy. But what I got out of it was knowing exactly what I want and don’t want in the future, so it was worth the effort.
(Just found your blog and subscribed after reading the first post!)
andygoose´s last blog ..My 40 Obscure Life Lessons
Comment by Kelly
| February 15th, 2010
Soulmates — yes — I have to vote YES! However, I think there is more that one for each of us, more a random lot sprinkled all over the universe allowing us ample opportunity to find one of the them!
I have endured the pain of more than one break-up, the clear winner with most intense and indescribable pain was that of my marriage — leaving my jaw on the floor with genuine, punched in the gut, surprise and “..but wait, we have two amazing children and we have a life here…” all over my face!
It has been two years. The single mantra that stood true throughout is the FACT that I really don’t want to be with someone who does not want to be with me – whatever the reason. Yes, I believed that what we had was real…I knew that I was good to him, I am a life participant,a great mom, not bad looking,blah blah blah…fact is, it doesnt matter.
My girlfriend recently made a statement that I think really resonates. (BTW – she is very happily married) She said, “I think that there is no perfect relationship. Everyone has ups and downs and everyone looks at their partner at one point or another and just plain does not really like them, for the moment. You have to be able to remember why you fell for him or her to begin with, you have to remain faithful…and you have to hope that you are never both at that place at that same time. Life is choices, and relationships are not easy, but they are worthwhile.” — and I tend to agree! :)