How Do Co-Parents Get Along?
How did my ex-wife and I get to a place of amicable co-parenting? A newly divorced mom recently asked that question in a comment on a Dad’s House post, Co-parenting – How to Deal With an Ex.
The short answer:
My ex-wife and I simply decided to put the kids first, and our differences second. We strive to make parenting decisions that are in the best interests of our children. We figure our kids will lead happier lives if their mom and dad can at least do that.
The long answer:
Getting divorced was the most painful emotional experience I ever endured. Two people fell in love, got married, had kids. And then one day realized they cannot bear to live their lives together.
Great Books for Relationship and Divorce Advice
For some couples, the divorce ends with hateful feelings, bickering, fighting, harsh words. For others, there’s a drifting apart. For my ex and I, there was a deep sense that we wanted very different things from life. We couldn’t stand the thought of having the course of our lives dictated by the other.
For ten months we lived separated under one roof. It was hell. We avoided each other as much as possible, because when we were together, tensions rose and tempers flared. Not healthy for the kids, or us.
After we separated, a sense of calm pervaded. We both were in control of our own individual destinies. (As much as any person can control anything. The universe has a wicked sense of humor! All we can each do is make choices, strive to be self aware, give love from a compassionate heart.)
When it came to the kids, my ex-wife and I realized we were stuck with each other as co-parents. We had joint custody, so legally we were both entitled to have a say in how our children were raised. As such, we needed to communicate with each other and make decisions together, even if we felt angry and didn’t get along.
We separated the bad feelings toward each other from the good feelings we had toward our kids.
I think if we didn’t have joint custody, the custodial parent might have written the other parent off as insignificant, irrelevant, someone who just gets in the way.
My ex and I had our occasional fights – two a year seems par for the course. But otherwise, we simply put our anger and disappointment in another place, and tried to feel compassion for our kids. Our children deserved the best life we could give them.
My ex and I relied on email to do most of our communicating. Written messages with a day-long delay in response removed the emotional charge from any disputes we had. Plus, we could avoid being in each other’s presence if we wanted. (We both attended our kids’ soccer games, and eventually got to the point where we could sit together and discuss child-related issues Time heals.)
When our emails turned into ALL CAPS MUD-SLINGING FESTS, we’d hit the delete key, and go back to curt, business-like communications. Focus on the issue. Have a concrete goal. Get in, get out, move on.
For marriages that end in bitterness, rejection, total disrespect, it’s hard, and may feel impossible to put those negative feelings aside. But if both parties intend to co-parent together, what’s the alternative? You have to put the bad feelings someplace else, and do the work of co-parenting. You get through it, then do something to let off steam or unwind – and forget about your ex.
Don’t let thoughts of your ex, or their words and actions, define how you feel about yourself.
For me, I focus on things I truly enjoy: I Cycle. Cook. Listen to music. Watch soccer. Spend time with friends. Have a cocktail. Enjoy life.
Most of all – enjoy enjoy enjoy!!! the time you spend with your kids. They grow up fast.
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Comment by Just Playin'
| December 8th, 2009
What a wonderful post and site! With all the craziness out there it is so refreshing to find something this good. A great resource for those charting these unfamiliar, to them, waters. Keep up the good work.
Just Playin’´s last blog ..The Tree Is Up!
Comment by Elizabeth
| December 8th, 2009
Good work, David. I like the practicality here.
What angry divorced — or divorcing — parents don’t seem to get is that the reactivity keeps you connected. Parents who get hooked by the other one’s behavior (except for abuse) are playing out scenes from their marriage. It’s a HUGE buzz-kill for potential dates, and it’s horrible for the kids. That’s one of the primary reasons kids do badly after a divorce — their parents fight.
It’s the same thing for forgiveness. Why do we forgive the person who has wounded us? We forgive for our mental wellbeing — it liberates us.
Elizabeth´s last blog ..Hope for Anissa, hope for us
Comment by Dee
| December 8th, 2009
It’s not easy, but very possible. You outlined it perfectly – keep the kids front and center. I guess that was easier for me and my ex as we agreed on how to raise the kids. My supervisor must have spawned a child with an absolute dipshit based on his phone conversations (I try not to eavesdrop, honestly, but I sit just outside his door)
Dee´s last blog ..Can I ever get a decent picture????????
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| December 8th, 2009
This is all good stuff, DM. But if only one is willing to play nice, no matter how hard you try, how many years, how many ways, it ain’t happenin’. It takes two, two to put the kids first, two with integrity. Two. And no amount of negotiation, intervention, appealing to the better part of valor, appealing to the best interests of the children will matter. Two. Adults. Or you’re nowhere.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..K and coffee, midnight weary
Comment by Heather
| December 8th, 2009
good advice.
Heather´s last blog ..Not Me Monday!!!
Comment by Nicki
| December 8th, 2009
We’re working on the co-parenting. I had already figured out the beauty of emailing. And I have to tell you, I don’t just enjoy enjoy enjoy my time with the kids, I cherish it, treasure it, and look forward to it.
Thanks for the co-parenting tips.
Nicki´s last blog ..I finally exhaled…
Comment by LittleMama714
| December 8th, 2009
What a great blog.
I’m struggling with an ex who refuses to co-parent. I’m trying my hardest but he seems completely bent on doing everything he can to exclude me from my child’s life when he has her, which isn’t often because he lives six hours away. Currently it’s one week per month, but that may still change.
I’ve tried my hardest to communicate like an adult but all I get in return is the all caps emails with cursing and hurtful language. I’ve given up on phone calls unless they’re recorded.
Not sure how to handle this other than to do what I’m already doing, which is not let him change my behavior and make sure the court is aware of his reluctance to cooperate when they consider his visitation rights.
I hope someday my ex and I can communicate in a way that is productive and beneficial for our child. I applaud you and your ex for the strides you’ve made and the selfless decisions you have made in the best interests of your children.
LittleMama714´s last blog ..Pieces of Me
Comment by Travis
| December 8th, 2009
Email does become a great thing for those tense co-parenting resolutions. Not only is it in writing, but it becomes easier to keep it to the facts. You answer on your time, pace and emotional state.
Even if only one of the co-parents is keeping it rational. It helps a lot. Because the people who need to listen will get the right information. Even if it is only from you. On the other hand if both become irrational, it will only be the kids who get punished for it.
So, if we have to be the ones who keep it together. Our kids will benefit from it.
The moment you let go. Is the moment when everything will start to grow again. Your heart gets bigger, your compassion becomes greater. And you can see clearly all that lies ahead.
Travis´s last blog ..A Very Special Breakup Song
Comment by Andrea
| December 8th, 2009
Excellent advice…that I sincerely hope I never have to use.
Andrea´s last blog ..The Tail of A Dog
Comment by CJ
| December 8th, 2009
I’m always impressed when I hear of two parents who BOTH agree to put the kids first and then follow through. There are few things harder than getting along with an ex. Kudos to both of you for having enough strength of will and love for your kids to honestly and truly put them first.
CJ´s last blog ..Email Exchange with the ex…
Comment by Mindy/Single Mom Says...
| December 8th, 2009
I agree with BLW; it does take two. You can spend years beating your head against a brick wall trying to make things amicable and rising above the other parent’s self-serving tactics but eventually you learn that beating your head against that wall only hurts you and in turn, your kids.
Unfortunately when dealing with pathological people, using reason, logic and kindness doesn’t work. You can rise above it but there will never be an effective co-parenting situation when one parent is hell-bent on taking you down.
Mindy/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Things that make me go Hmmm?
Comment by Kat Wilder
| December 8th, 2009
I agree — the parents must, must, put the kids first. That means sacrifice. That means “playing nice.” And ideally that would mean both parents would cooperate, as BigLittleWolf states.
But even if you can’t get your former spouse to cooperate, you must continue to do the right thing. As we all know, we can’t control what someone else does — we can only control how we respond to it.
Hard lesson to learn.
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..In praise of older women
Comment by T
| December 8th, 2009
I love this David. And I’m sure you’ve done a post like this before. Its a great reminder.
I do think it takes two… two parents who love their children.
Great post!
T´s last blog ..$1000 win, 7:38 a.m., & 48 lbs. later…
Comment by Sandra
| December 8th, 2009
My parents could’ve learned a thing or two from you.
I can’t imagine going through a divorce. A breakup with a boyfriend is bad enough.
Sandra´s last blog ..Titillating Tuesday
Comment by Sonia
| December 8th, 2009
This is a great blog by way of answer to my heartfelt query. I do intend to do the right thing by my children, always. I think coparenting will be easier when the terms of the divorce are final…whenever that may be. Everything is up in the air right now: who will get primary custody, who will win the lion’s share of the assets we’ve spent a lifetime building, will alimony be for 5 years/10 years/a lifetime? These are all such divisive issues with so much at stake. Part of what is stressful now is that my not-yet-ex-husband is desperate to win a large share of custody to minimize his child support payments. He is also desperate to keep as many of our assets to himself as he possibly can. As a consequence, we have both lawyered up and our court date is many months away. Until then we have temporary orders, and of course everything could change if the ex decides to file malicious motions in the meantime to get his way. It is quite difficult to coparent amicably when you are aware that the other party is determined to do as much harm to you and your children as he possibly can, under the law, and is quite capable of being underhand and conscience-free. I personally believe that if my husband could cheat on me and lie to me the way he did with no conscience, then surely he is capable of harming the children with the same kind of destructive narcissism. It is in the children’s best interest now to protect them from a person who has lost his moral compass, and also protect them and myself from future poverty, and unfortunately that means an adversarial court battle. The looming of an adversarial court battle does not make for smooth coparenting or peace of mind. I hope that when all the final orders and settlements are done and dusted, coparenting will become a bit easier. I just wish it were over already, because I’m dying to move on with my life.
Comment by Sonia
| December 8th, 2009
I just read some of the earlier comments that “It takes two.”
It certainly does!
Right now I’m coparenting from a place of fear because we coparents consist of one husband who is anxious to grind his wife’s face into the dirt until she is completely minimized and humiliated in every sense (financial, legal, sexual, parental, social)–for reasons that have never been explained–and one wife who is trying her best to protect her and her children’s future.
The children know nothing about any of this, and to protect their emotional health that’s the way it must stay. It is horrible trying to coparent with someone who means you nothing but harm.
Comment by dadshouse
| December 8th, 2009
Sonia – an adverserial divorce is the hardest! Is there any way you can reel in the court date by going through mediation, instead? Everything in the divorce settlement is negotiable. Attorneys typically advise their client to grab as much as they can up front, then give things up as bargaining chips.
My ex and I divorced in California, and we agreed to split everthing down the middle. Whenever there was a question, we did what was in the best interests of the kids. Negotiations were still heated at times, but they weren’t adversarial. And once the dust settled, we put it behind us and got on with co-parenting.
I realize it takes two to tango, and your ex may have no regard for what is fair or right.
Comment by Travis
| December 8th, 2009
@Sonia, yes, it feels impossible to co-parent under those conditions. But having gone through a very similar divorce and having everything about me attacked, and dragged through the mud with public attempts at humiliation (I found that ignoring them, worked better than addressing… most times). People tend to ignore people who are banging a drum, when your quiet respectful actions are proving otherwise.
But co-parenting, can be as simple as just dealing with factual things about the kids… and the kids only. And it gets difficult when you have to read through a rant on everything about how evil you are, and then have a note slipped in about a scheduled event.
This alone, makes it easy to let go of any emotion. In fact. the best thing you can do is to treat him like anything he says is idiocy. And ignore his behavior and demand your needs.
Let them act the way they do, and then listen to all the things they would say. Come up with a list of counter comments and in a very calm and pleasing voice, let your lawyer have at it.
Doing everything peacefully and intelligently, will actually cause more pain for them than you can possibly imagine. It’s just pure awesomeness. Plus it’s funny. And nothing beats agitating a person like calmly chuckling at what they are saying and then proving what they are saying as wrong. And then watching them storm out of the court room, after you caught them in a lie.
Travis´s last blog ..Tell Me You Love Me. Tell Me Something Romantic.
Comment by Sonia
| December 8th, 2009
We were planning to mediate, but he unilaterally ended it. No explanation was ever given to me or to the mediator about why he broke our appointment. I believe he hired an attorney at that time who told him to fight.
I live in a community property state like California. My state often awards more than 50% of the assets to a much lower-earning or non-earning spouse, to level the playing field as it were. There is no legal requirement that the asset division be 50/50, just that it be “fair and equitable.” There’s a lot of room for interpretation in that wording. So that threatens my husband.
My state also has a track record of generous alimony awards to spouses who have given up their careers to raise children and take care of everything on the home front, in the case of marriages that have lasted 20, 30 years or more. The court considers that the spouse who took on 100% of the child rearing and household duties enabled her/his spouse to climb the corporate ladder to success, without ever having to think about his children or any domestic responsibility. Where there is a huge disparity in incomes, the court again tries to level the playing field, sometimes for life. So that’s another possibility my husband views as a threat. When one person dissolves a long-standing marriage, it’s considered as the breaking of a contract–there’s a price to pay for freedom.
n.b.: My state is ostensibly a no-fault state, but I’ve been advised that the judges are only human beings and they can’t help but look at all the circumstances when they hand down their decision.
So the mediation ship has sailed, and I must accept that, because it does take two. My hope is that once the court battle is over, we can draw a line under the whole mess and coparent amicably. Right now it is very tense and unpleasant.
Comment by QTMama
| December 8th, 2009
Oh man Sonia, after reading your story I really want to go hug my ex. *Sigh* I’m sorry.
QTMama´s last blog ..Weird Thing of the Week
Comment by Mark
| December 8th, 2009
You provide a great living example of how to put the kids above and beyond the differences that ended your marriage. Thanks for sharing.
Mark´s last blog ..What Is the Truth?
Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| December 8th, 2009
As always, you give great advice both to single parents and not-yet-single parents.
To Sonia, I feel horrible for what you’re going through. There WILL be an end, though, even though it doesn’t seem like it now. When the other parent shows no interest in doing what’s right for the kids, it’s hard not to feel helpless to protect your children from them. Speaking from experience, if there’s one piece of advice I can give you, it’s this – no matter how low the other person sinks, hold your ground, keep your integrity, and keep doing what’s best for your children, even when it’s unfair. You will come out the other side of this, hang in there.
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Totally Music Tuesday
Comment by Keith Wilcox
| December 8th, 2009
Not that I’m an authority on the subject, but I’d say you’ve just written, with some interjections, a 45 minute motivational speech for people dealing with divorce and co-parenting. I’m not divorced and even I feel better reading it. Time does heal, focusing on your passions and having fun with life are paramount to anybody’s experience. I guess fights are bound to happen, but your level headedness about it is probably what mitigates most of those disagreements. My wife and I have been having a few issues recently — I’ve had thoughts of what my life would be like alone. Your take on the aftermath is intelligent, no mudslinging or looking backwards. Only a firm grasp on reality. Anyway, that’s that.
Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Shoot Your Way to a Safer Future
Comment by ilinap
| December 8th, 2009
I applaud you. Sadly, my parents were less than amicable. And it seemed to me as a kid that no one cared about spending time with us. It’s my turn to to raise kids now and ensure my sons never feel that way.
ilinap´s last blog ..The Debate That Mary Sparked
Comment by MommaSunshine
| December 9th, 2009
THanks for this. My ex and I share 50/50 custody and it’s challenging sometimes to say the least. I’m hoping that time will make it better….your post gives me hope.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..The First Date – Sunshine’s Perspective
Comment by Deesha
| December 9th, 2009
David, I just want to add my kudos to you (and your ex!) for being such an inspiring model. What a gift to your children. Co-parenting like this might not be the “norm”, but as more stories like yours are told perhaps divorce can become less and less synonymous with unavoidable and endless acrimony.
Deesha´s last blog ..Every co-parent plays the fool…some time.
Comment by SDMktg
| December 9th, 2009
I have 50/50 custody and during the settlement phase I left a lot on the table financially in order to avoid a prolonged fight and the fighting and emotional toil it would have taken. My attorney looked at me like I had two heads.
I’ve also had to be more than accomodating and put my kids first over and over again because many times she won’t. It’s challenging and it isn’t fair that I have to be the one who picks up the pieces but someone has to and I am their dad. Most recently she moved away for a job and visits twice a month but still gives me a hard time about what a huge sacrifice she’s made and how much the situation is hard on everyone and she appreciates me doing “my part”. Like Travis when I get one of those emails my response is short and sweet… “So 10:00 on Saturday then?”
The kids are doing great and that’s all that really matters to me.